I had an affair that lasted 7 years. My lover and I had made plans to live together just as soon as I got things settled from an estate left by my mom. We were deeply in love and things were great. I had never met anyone with so much in common with me and everything so perfect. Well, things got a little drawn out in getting everything settled and she dumped me. She even came right out and told me she already had my replacement. I felt so guilty after all this hiding that I told my wife and honestly expected to be thrown out on my ear. Then came the surprise of my life, she said, Now that it's in the open we can work it out!! This never crossed my mind. I can't even come up with a real reason why I got in an affair in the first place. The wife and I are really trying to make it work but it seems I can't forgive myself or get my lover out of my mind. I keep thinking of all the plans we made, all the time we spent together trying to get things in order for me to move, how much I still care for her and now neither of us will ever experience the rewards. Can anyone tell me how to speed up the process of getting over this affair, forgiving myself, and rebuilding our marriage? I know my wife is the only way to go, she has stood by me through every problem we ever had. I have done her so wrong and I am truly sorry for what I put her through. By the way the estate settlement came through within 3 weeks after being dumped!

Really feel for you! You must stick at recovery plan!
I was only losely 'with' my OW, but EA/PA for 21 months, left home for 15, but did not live with her. She dumped me and has gone back to her H. We really cared; and her parting comment was, "Its not what I feel, it's what I'm doing. I dont love him ILY..." Then not seen since 05/01, last spoke 01/02, back in recovery with my dear BW since 05/02, feeling aweful, guilty, still thinking of OW (but W despite jealousy etc standing by me... Deserve it?). But just now beginning to feel human and not wanting to be dead!

Stick at it, I'm sure you (and I too) can make it.

My sons 24/19 have just looked onbemused... so hard for them, for there was never trouble in our marriage. Couldnt make it out when I said goodbye last year.

me WH 58, BW 47, M 27
OW work colleague 42, M no kids
she left H 08/00-08/01 (200 m. south)
I left W, bought 2nd house 01/01-04/02

Try to stop 'picking at your scab'. Your lover is gone, not coming back, and it's time to focus on re-establishing all the warm, fuzzy feelings you had at one time for your wife.
By thinking about your now-in-the-past OW, and obsessing on forgiving yourself, you are just keeping the sore open and the drama going. When you start thinking about her, make yourself stop. It's that simple and it can be done. Don't get so caught up in feeling bad about what you did that you use it as an excuse for letting your wife down AGAIN. Next time you start all this guilt and wishful thinking, do something nice for your wife instead. You may be sad about all the big plans you had with this woman you had no business making plans with in the first place, but just think of all the plans your wife has had all this time for the two of you...