I am new here. I have just told my wife that I had an affair. We have been working on this and she thinks things are going alright. The trouble is, I am still having this affair. I love my wife, and I know if she finds out, it will be over. I am so mixed up that I really wonder if there will ever be a time when I can be honest with myself or anyone. I can't say anymore at this point. Please help.

Hi, Camlaa and Welcome. You've come to the right place if you really want to save your marriage.<P>You know what you have to do. You know how very hard it is. It's your decision to make and it's the right one.<P>Take some time to read. Everything on this site. Harley's principles, everyone's posts. Every book that's recommended. And decide. Decide what's right. Decide what's important to you. You know you have to do that before you can save your marriage.<P>We're all here for you. Anytime. Time for some serious soul-searching.<P>Lori<P>

I have been in that same situation, just recently in fact. I am still in love with Chrissie (my OW). We work together, but so far have been able to keep things on a proffesional level. I am working very hard on my relationship with my wife and things are going good. Sometimes we get into the old arguments about what my true feelings are, but for the most part, she has been very understanding. My only advice to you at the moment, is...BE HONEST. It is the hardest thing to do right now, and it will be the hardest thing you've ever done. I guarantee it will be a very redeeming experience for you and your wife. It is going to hurt alot, though so be prepared and remember the love you have for her. If you value your marriage, you must be honest with her. Good luck and I'll be watching for your new posts.

CAMMLA<BR>I read your post earlier today and wanted to answer. First I wanted to get my thoughts together. I want you to know that every word I'm going to say is out of compassion for you and your wife.<BR>When I read your post I was filled with terror because Your words spoke everything that my H was doing and feeling 10 months ago. I flashed back in time. Now I want to thank you for writing the words that my H couldn't say then. <BR>I want to tell you, from my heart, that the absolute worst thing that you can do is to let your wife think the affair is over. <BR>I can't remember exactly where on this site it is but somewhere, honesty is compared to a flu shot. The truth hurts but only for a minute and it prevents the immeasurable pain that will come if you don't give it.<BR>Now I will tell you how I felt when I discovered over and over that my H had not really ended the affair even though he led me to believe that he did. This is how your wife will feel WHEN she discovers the continuation.<BR>I felt humiliated. I felt degraded. I felt disrespected. I felt as though every single moment had been turned into a lie. even the good things were tarnished because they were all based on lies. Twice I found out that my H was still carrying on with the OW after he said it was finished. Each time I was filled with the most intense terror that I have ever felt.<BR>I used to say I had been to hell and back again so many times, I had frequent flyer miles.<BR>You are robbing your wife of her dignity. You are taking her ability to protect herself away from her.<BR>Believe me I am filled with empathy for you. I know what my H went through. It was horrible for him It is horrible for you.<BR>Please please don't continue to lie to your wife. The truth is so much less hurtful than the lies. The more lies there are, the less chance she will be able to believe anything. I know that my H thought he was protecting me in his own way by keeping the secrets. I wish he was here to tell you that the damage he did with those secrets was far worse than the truth ever could be. He doesn't post here and I thought about asking him to reply to you but I know it would be painful. I have seen him in pain too many times to ask him to go through it again.<BR>Give your wife a chance to defend herself from hurt. <BR>Take care and keep posting.Sorry I rambled so much.<BR>You are in my prayers!

Welcome <B>CAMLAA</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>(My friends here at Marriage Builders must be wondering where have I been with my semi-standard welcome... sorry I'm late...)<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principals and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Even as the betrayr(wayward spouse) you'll probably want to start on an immediate <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Even for the wayward spouses... there are many here... ask... specific questions of how to stop your affair!!!<P>The people here (betrayed and wayward) have <B>all</B> had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>But just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ! Think!<P>First... you must make the decision to leave the OW... and start the withdrawal!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thanksgiving Day . . . thankful that even though I am the OM, our friendship holds with brutal honesty. They have separated, and I am still here remaining as supportive as I can. Yes, we love one another and have promised only to give that chance opportunity. That chance to get to know one another without all the noise. So I am the 'Other Man' .<P>CAMLAA : What about the Other Woman ( OW ).<BR>You want a perspective from the unmentionable entity, those of us out here who are hated as if we are marriage wreckers . . . here it is. <P>I have stood loyal to my lady friend as she dealt with indecision. After seeing what was happening to their children, her and her husband agreed mutually to separate. <P>The lady you are having this affair with ? What about her ? So, you have no legal document binding your relationship, but . . . . . .<P>If you love your wife, then end this affair. I am involved with a woman who no longer loves her husband, but you still love your wife and my advice is to be honest with the Other Woman . . . the Other Person . Tell her how you feel, and then she will know how to help you end this affair. <P>I would, if my lady friend were to tell me that their separation led them back together. After all, what are friends for ? <P>