Last night my husband was checking his emails and found a joke that he decided to forward. He went into his addresses to send it and the Ow's address was in their . Without a second thought he checked off her name(along with several others) to send her the joke. This bothered me on two levels.<BR>1)Why was her address still there.<BR>2)Isn't a joke still personal contact.<BR>I spoke to my husband about it and he basically said that I was blowing things out of proportion. That sending jokes to each other is what people do on a professional level and he didn't want me putting restrictions on what type of work relationship he and the OW have.<BR>I don't understand. Isn't any type of contact that isn't directly related to the job leaving that door open even if it is just a little? Am I being out of line in expecting that he would do everything in his power to keep his relationship with the OW strictly on work related subjects(it bothers me enough that he has to talk to her even on that level).<BR>I am trying to see where he is coming from but it is so hard sometimes. I told him last night that it would make me feel so much better if he would try and think of my feelings once in awhile and then he goes and does something like this. <BR>I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!<P><BR>Sorry I just needed to vent.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Contact is continued contact! Although I occasionally see OM at work (about monthly and NEVER alone!), I would NEVER initiate anything like sending him a joke! That is too personal - just for friends and once the affair is over, the friendship has to GO! That is one of the paybacks of the affair - you lose the friendship. Another good reason to not step over the line...<P>Roll Me Away<BR>

Hi, PL. You're not out of line. You're not overly sensitive. Welcome, once again, to the world of justifications. 2S KNOWS it's contact. He KNOWS it's against what you guys are trying to do. He just wants to justify it.<P>Her e-mail address should be gone. No contact, including jokes, except what is absolutely necessary on the job. He's discovering how very hard this really is and having trouble letting the last bit go.<P>Be patient. Let him know how you feel, with respect and understanding for what he's going through as well. This hurts. He knows it hurts. But it's part of withdrawal - that last little bit of letting go.<P>Now, 2s, if you're reading, and I feel sure you are.................. You know the deal. You understand. Be honest, with yourself and your wife. Mostly yourself. We're pulling for you. You can do this, but you have to make the REAL committment!!<P>Hang in there, you two. The pain and hard work will be worth it in the long run.<P>Have a nice Thanksgiving.<P>Lori

Thanks guys. I don't want to push him away but sometimes I feel if I voice my concerns it will. When he left to get his hair cut this morning he was very angry. I don't know how to tell him how I feel about certain things without creating a LB. Almost anything I say about contact with the OW gets him angry.<p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited November 25, 1999).]

I know - it will make him angry as long as he's in withdrawal. And continued contact, even this sort, will make withdrawal last that much longer. He knows this, PL, he's just got to take that last step. Just hang in there, you're not gonna be able to say or do anything right for a while, even if you're a saint!!! Be strong.<P>We're pulling for you!<P>Lori

Justification is right! Matter of fact, most companies DON'T WANT people forwarding jokes around to each other. It ties up their email system for non-work-related stuff.<P>And his work relationship with the OW is absolutely your concern and you have every right to Help him determine what it should be - it shouldn't be AT ALL!<P>Try to use the Policy of Joint Agreement if you can. Point out to him that neither of you should be doing things that the other does not enthusiastically agree with.<P>I don't know what else to say except that you are NOT wrong!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

PL,<P>Lostva is right - this is the withdrawal rearing its ugly head. My H also thought he could still be friends with his oW - still call her daily and of course, we are separated, again.<P>In their heart of hearts, as Lostva said, they KNOW they have to give up the OP. 2S's knows this - ESPECIALLY after being on this forum! But it is HARD, HARD, HARD and more HARD!!!! He might have slipups - hopefully this is one and nothing more. But, through it all, HE has to embrace and believe that he can no longer contact her - that the friendship has to die for you 2 to move forward. All you can do is be supportive and most importantly, EMPATHETIC, which is mightily hard to do, too.<P>Good luck.....<P>Roll Me Away

Hey guys. Yes, lostva, I do read all of her posts. I am only going to say this, and I know I am going to get slammed for it. I sometimes feel like the pressure from all of this (ie; the site, you guys, my family, my wife, my heart) is just way too much to take. I find myself in such pain at times that I feel like packing it all in. I want to just go away from everyone and everything. I am sorry, but the love of BOTH of these women is extremely important to me. I feel like I am just letting the world down sometimes. It really sucks. Sorry Honey.<P>------------------<BR>We stumble and fall sometimes, and that hurts. But it is the most incredible realization when you look and see that it was your spouse that picked you back up......<P>Take care of and Love each other.....Arik<P>

2soulmates,<P>Been there, done that. Yes, YOU REALLY ARE SUFFERRING!! No doubt about it!! I am sorry, because I understand your pain. Only thing I can tell you is this: running away won't take the pain and problems away. AND, no matter WHICH way you go, which woman you would choose to have a life with, you are going to SUFFER withdrawal from having to cut a person you love out of your life. S^ucks, doesn't it!?!? Sorry, no way to get around it....<P>You have made a decision to stay with PL - GREAT choice!! Now, your emotions will SABOTAGE you over and over, again - making you think you can find a way to keep both women in your life - via friendly e-mails and all the other sneaky tricks - we have seen and used them all. 2soulmates - you are only sabotaging YOURSELF! In the long run, you have to do the "tried and proven" methods to break it off and keep it broken off. ONLY then can you focus back on PL and rebuild a wondeful, loving relationship with her. I don't mean to sound crass to you at all with these questions, because I REALLY UNDERSTAND - but do you HONESTLY think you can get over the OW by maintaining contact with her - no matter how small????? Do you really think it is going to get EASIER if you prolong what you need to do NOW???<P>You are struggling terribly with the withdrawal - Dr. Harley didn't call it "withdrawal" without good reason. Please give yourself some time, take anti-depressants, and make a PLAN with PL to sever all contacts and a plan for how to handle slip-ups. My personal experience was that the withdrawal lasted as long as my EA.<P>You really can make it through this most painful period...you REALLY can! Many others here have done it and YOU can, too!!!<P>Roll Me Away <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

2S - now, you KNOW we're not SLAMMING you, just supporting you. But we can only do it honestly and with your best interests at heart. If we didn't care, you wouldn't hear from us at all.<P>Listen to RMA. You're not alone. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last. It FEELS personal and unique to only you, but you know inside, it's not. You have only to read posts from others here, to read Harley's info on withdrawal and you can almost predict what you'll go through tomorrow.<P>You ARE a strong man, 2S. You are strong enough to get through this. It ain't easy. No one said it was gonna be. To tell you the truth, I don't believe that your suffering is any less severe than mine. The difference? I don't have a choice. I HAVE to roll with the pain. I HAVE to do without the love of my life. I HAVE to sit here and miss him and NEED desperately to talk w/ him and not be able to do it. I have to get through it. <P>So do you, if you want your marriage to succeed. So do you, if you want to end the pain for you and for your wife.<P>You CAN do this. It will get easier. Every time you make the right decision, every time you are stronger than you think you can be, you will grow and you will be one baby step closer to getting through this.<P>Don't feel slammed. Feel cared about. 'Cause that's what you are. We believe in true and lasting love, we believe in marriage and we believe in you.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori