I am not willing to give up the love of the other woman. I am even thinking about going to her in a few days. I must see her again, and I am willing to risk alot to go and do that. I have been making plans to go there today. Am I ready for a divorce? I guess I had better be if I am not willing to give up on this. I know that I sound like a jerk, but in reality I am just a very confused and hurting guy. I am not confused about what I want, just about what she wants. Is it possible to make a second marriage work? Do people really get to have more than one lifelong loves? God this hurts.

All I can say is think carefully about what you are doing. I believe that you can be deeply in love with two people at once. This isn't to say that it is easy, or right. I must give the floor to the others on this one, since I am too close to this right now, to be of much help. Take care.<P>------------------<BR>We stumble and fall sometimes, and that hurts. But it is the most incredible realization when you look and see that it was your spouse that picked you back up......<P>Take care of and Love each other.....Arik<P>

CAMLAA,<P>I assume you're married? Does your wife know about the OW? Is she aware of your intense desire to see her? I guess basically, my question is -- what is the state of your marriage? How long were you married? How was your relationship with your wife before you met the OW?<P>You must tread very carefully here. Examine what you think went wrong with your marriage. Examine why you love the OW. When you were first married, were you head-over-heels in love with your wife? Think hard and deeply. What was it about your wife that made you want to marry her? All these things are possible, but only if you are willing to commit to that.<P>As to the OW, do you really know her? How easy would it be to have a happy marriage with her when you both have the knowledge that you destroyed your family in the process? That guilt will weigh heavily on you for the entire relationship with the OW.<P>I guess what I'm saying is that you owe it to your wife to see if you can make it there before you go on to anyone else.<P>I know exactly how you feel about the OW... I'm a betrayer as well. I think about the OW quite alot. It's been since late June that it was broken off between her and I, but I still have my bad days. Withdrawal takes a long time. It sucks (just ask 2soulmates -- he can tell you!). But to me, it was not worth crushing my wife and destroying my son for my own selfish needs.<P>Right now the OW is so strong in your thoughts that you cannot possibly see things straight right now. I urge you to go with NO CONTACT. Gain some perspective. Try working with your wife to get a loving relationship with her. Read everything on this website regarding emotional needs and love-busters.<P>think about it...<BR>--andy

CAMLAA,<P>I have sat on both sides of this fence. I can tell you this - I was D already once, and it is a DEATH. Although I wanted the D, it was STILL devastating to both me and my children. You can NOT even imagine how hard a divorce will be on yiu until you experience it. You are in a hard place right now -you will lose one woman you love no matter which way you end up going.<P>Listen to airheart - he is giving you some good questions that you need to answer. Right now you are being driven by your EMOTIONS - and a more wise thing to do is to act on a combination of emotions and LOGIC. The questions airheart has posed to you are meant to make you use your LOGIC in deciding what to do. Also, it will be virtually impossible to think clearly while involved with the OW. I STRONGLY urge you to break off with her until you come to some firm decision. Really, no matter which way you end up going, it is the kindest way to approach this. If yo stay involved with both women, you will be UNABLE to make a true, well-thought decision any time soon. You will only be prolonging the decision-making and waffling and hurt yourself and BOTH women you care about in the long run.<P>Others have been in your situation, ncluding me. It is a painful place to be - for you, your W and even for the OW.<P>Try to get your wits about you before you ACT. I suggest a counselor who might help you to think through your actions as to the OUTCOME for yourself, your W and the OW, either way you go. I think too often we tend to act on what feels right NOW instead of taking the time to think what the long term effects of our actions might be.<P>I will tell you, I did re-gain all the love I had for my H. Unfotunately, now HE is in an affair.<P>Best of luck to you....<P>Roll Me Away <P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

CAMLAA:<P>Check your other thread for my intro/welcome....<P>I don't usually make book recommendations in the introductions but for you, I'd recommend <BR><A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman. <B>Read it from your W's perspective please.</B><P>A few quotes from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> are in order... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The path that leads to recovery is very narrow, and unless couples find that path, the tragedy of an affair can permanently cripple a marriage and often lead to the further tragedy of divorce. (page 10 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...the <B>tragedy</B> of divorce is such an understatement... <P>For the other waywards here at MB it is a unequivocal fact to them that... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Love makes ending an affair extremely difficult (page 33 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... but... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs die a natural death. (page 50 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You need for yours to end a <B>quick</B> natural death before it gets worse or all parties involved... If you don't have it yet... <B>do get </B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> <B>immediately</B>... and get yourself over to "Kevin and Lee's Story" (page 52)... <B>ASAP</B>!<P>The anguish, pain and suffering to be avoided is phenominal! <P>Keep posting here... many will help... <P>Jim<BR>-------------------------------------<BR>Knock and the door shall be opened...

Sounds to me like you need to find out what love really means to you. Is love spending your life with someone or is love escaping from the life you have?