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Wow...I think I will start with what happened this morning and then go backward to what happened Tuesday (early) morning.

I had to be at a store for an event for my work today. OM was right there! I have not seen him for TWO years. He looked terrible and was with a little kid--he was buying diapers. I am pretty sure he didn't see me.

One of my friends "happened" to be there so I walked over to him, (fortunately it meant my back was to OM) and asked him quietly to pray for me (I am pretty close to having laryngitis today so being quiet was easy!) and discreetly pointed out where OM was to him. He knew I appeared calm but was upset and suggested I walk around the store.

I moved toward a colleague who was standing a few feet further away and just at that moment, H came in (he promised to check in on me because I am sick and really shouldn't have been there anyway.)

I told him out of earshot of my colleague (nobody at my work knows about my A to my knowledge) and asked if we could go for coffee.

I am glad I have no "soft" feelings and no hatred of OM but it surprised me that the room was spinning and I needed to get out of there. If H hadn't come and Friend hadn't been there, I really don't know what I would have done. H says OM would be embarrassed to see me, too. I don't want to find out and I don't want him to know where I work now.

He could find out because we have a website so if he picked up a brochure and happened to visit the website, he could find my picture on there. My hope is he has moved on and left me far behind just as I have him.

H and I talked about needing to consider moving out of this city. It is big enough we never saw him for 2 years but small enough, too. I am really unhappy in my current situation at work (in a job share with someone who will not treat me as an equal and feeling like a failure that I can't build a working relationship with her--I can get along with almost anyone but not this woman apparently) and H is feeling unsettled. We don't want to disappoint our pastors or the congregation but pulling out an inopportune time and we have nowhere to go.

OK, going back to Tuesday after all that, I had this beautiful dream. I saw Jesus. He was sitting in the driver's seat of my pastor's minivan! The van was parked and there was no steering wheel but Jesus was in the driver's seat. He looked a lot like the paintings you see but not quite the same. He was not smiling nor frowning. He looked solemn and His eyes were beautiful.

I immediately responded (I was sitting in the passenger seat) by crying out and asking Him to take away any sin in my heart. But I couldn't cry and I was overwhelmed by His peace flooding me.

On Tuesday, I felt that dream had a meaning on a few levels. He is with the church and in control of the situation there (no finances yet and great needs--plus being in transition) and He is with our pastors (driving their "van"--or lives).

Tuesday marked 2 years and 2 days since d-day and starting over so I felt like it was a beautiful sealing confirmation of my restoration.

And then this morning happened and I realized my "secret" could unravel all around me in a second. And yet I feel like the dream was even more significant.

Friends, I have to go back to that same store over 3 or 4 Saturdays (Mar 22-Apr 12) for work--H says he will accompany me. I don't have to be there all day--just to oversee shift changes for volunteers.

Please pray that I never see OM again and if I do, that I have peace and know what to do and say or not say. I recall a friend said once just to look at him as though he someone I don't recognize but that's not realistic when I was stupid enough to share my body with him in shameful ways.

I know I have moved forward but I'm at a loss as to what comes next, if anything.

Thank you for your prayers. And any wisdom you can impart.

Blessings to you.

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hi freshstart,

I will pray that should your and the OM's path ever cross that God will give you either the right words to say or a place to hide. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is odd that you feel the same about meeting the OM as I do when I get close to FWH's ow at church. Sometimes I could stare her down in any contest, usually I take alternate routes, sometimes I do hide <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> in the bathroom and pray.

You are not the same person you were when you were w/ OM. God knows your heart. He will guide your steps and your words on those days you must be in that store.

I have lately been praying that if things in M would improve, I would be willing to move to get away from this terrible secret. If M is not going to improve then why bother I guess. God has a way of working things out. He will see you through any time you might come in contact w/ OM.

I think you had given me your email address once but I have misplaced it. I would like to ask you some questions if you don't mind.

I will also pray for the colleague at work. Remember Dr. Phil says you teach people how to treat you. I must have "Welcome" written on my face. (Doormat syndrome symptom showing.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't let not having anywhere to go keep you from doing what you feel God is leading you to do. That is easy to say, I guess.

Your dream was beautiful. I agree with your interpretation. Don't let Satan make you feel guilty since seeing the OM. Guilt feelings after confession of sin have Satanic origin and are created to hinder spiritual growth.

You are in my prayers,
landslide

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Landslide, thank you so much. I was feeling guilty because I didn't get back to the forum to follow up on you after I gave you my email. (My life tends to go into warp drive more than occasionally!)

My email is buildnewlife@yahoo.ca (I am a Canadian) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me the picture of Jesus--it came to mind fairly quickly after everything transpired. I realize I might never see OM again and hope that is the case.

However, I think God might want to "wrap" some stuff up for me, too--not sure. I actually had a strong sense this morning that this would happen. (I don't have ESP!) Weird, huh?

I feel terrible for you that you have to see OW and in church at that. May the Lord give you grace.

It reminds me of a friend of mine. J is a lovely woman. She discovered her H had an affair with this woman from church. OW in that case hasn't clued in that J figured it all out. She continues to be nice to her and drive her places--how on earth could she extend such mercy? She believes she is heaping coals of fire on the woman's head and indeed she must be.

It is a fine line--OM doesn't need mercy from me and yet he is the enemy of my soul. H said if OM dared approach me, I should quietly tell him get away from me. It has opened Pandora's box but as I say, God has done such incredible work in my life over the past 2 years (and before that, too) that He must have a purpose for it all.

Thanks so much, Landslide.

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Thanks freshstart,

I have a prayer request and a concern. H will not go for counseling. He doesn't think it is important to have NC with ow. He doesn't seek her out or anything (to my knowledge) nor does he avoid her like I think he should.

Tomorrow @ after service she will file by like everyone else and shake his hand. He could stand somewhere else but he doesn't. To me that means he doesn't respect my feelings. Does he think people will get suspicious when he avoids someone he used to spend so much time with?

I don't know. Is this a big deal?

I don't really even know how to pray about it. I don't know what I need God to do for me. Any ideas?

In my prayers,
landslide

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(((Landslide))): It IS a big deal. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult ordeal.

Lord, I pray You will give Landslide wisdom in dealing with this situation.

Holy Spirit, convict OW and block her access to Landslide's H. Open Landslide's H's eyes to her (Land.) heart and her needs. Renew his desire for the wife of his youth.

Father, I pray Your phenomenonal strength will belong to Landslide and that victory will result from the prayers going up on her behalf.

Landslide, for some reason, I'm thinking about Haman and how when he tried to set Mordecai up, things turned around to his detriment (and his death ultimately.) I don't wish death to OW for sure! but I believe God will foil her plans if she has any. I pray God will soften your H's heart toward you.

I don't know if you read my story or not but God literally woke me from my stupor with a dream. In the dream (and I'm not really a person who gets dreams alot although it might sound like it in this post!), I realized I was in a porno movie and I could feel the evil all around me. (Being a good/girl PK, I have never seen a porn flick but I knew instinctively in this case.) I woke up to the realization that OM was involved in this filth and that I had to repent for my sins.

Satan is out to destroy ministry families (indeed any family) but the Lord God is Supreme and He can heal the "land" of marriage. I pray He brings total restoration to you.

Blessings.

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Hey Freshstart, thanks for sharing this, be of good courage sayeth the Lord! I will keep you in my prayers as well. You and your H have renewed your relationship, the OM is now out of the picture, Forgiveness has been given to you from God and your H. Most likely the devil is trying to make you feel ashamed, but if you do come face to face with OM what would you say? If you see him again, ask the Lord to give you the strength you need and the words He wants you to say. It's awesome to see how supportive your H is with you, you are very blessed! I pray that the LOrd's healing touch will be on you and that you will feel healthy again soon! God Bless you!

Landslide, does the OW not know that you know? Would it be a bad idea to let her know that you know? It may prevent her from any further temptations, it is not an easy thing to confront the OW, but with God's help, if it His will, He will give you the strength and words to do just that. I have confronted the OW with whom the PA was happening before we split up, and I tell you I was really scared, but God was with me, and I was able to tell her that she was medling in God's business! by the time we finished talking, we hugged each other, forgiveness happened, and it was good. Seek the Lord on how to handle this, if your H is wanting to work this out, he will also seek the Lord in this. He needs to have someone to be accountable to, even if he doesn't want to go to counselling, you both need to find a couple or ministry to be accountable to.
I will also keep you in my prayers! God Bless and keep in touch to know what we are to pray for as the situation changes.

Love in Christ, SW

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Stillwaiting, good to hear from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow, and your words are total confirmation. My pastors know what happened (we confided in them when we first came to the church and they were truly ministers of grace and restoration in our marriage and our life) this weekend and my Pastor's Wife said God told her I will meet up with OM again. This thing is not going away and it is from Satan to test me just as you said.

Already today, I have been plagued with memories of sinful acts that I know are forgiven. I keep coming against them because I truly have NO feelings left for OM. Good or bad..nothing.

She also said to be strong and ask God for the right words. I wonder if I should say anything at all given the opportunity because "no contact is no contact" even two years later...isn't it?

What would be accomplished by my speaking? And yet do I as a restored Christian who was OM's pastor need to verbally ask his forgiveness? H would be horrified. I haven't checked in with H but he forbade me to even pray for OM initially and I never have. Is it OK to pray for him now?

My greatest fear in all of this is being exposed and having my new life crumble all around me. It certainly shows why moving away is a good idea after an A. But we're here in this reality now and it's not possible to run away. Part of me is glad to have an opportunity to come to terms with all of it and part of me is asking, "God, why now?"

I'm so grateful for your prayers.

Bless you.

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: freshstart ]</small>

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Hi Stillwaiting,

(Pardon me freshstart--I think this might be a "thread-jacking" on my part.)

Thank you so much for the prayers.

I'm almost sure the OW knows I know. I stopped talking to her the Sunday after d-day (1 year ago-in a few days). I've said,"Hi" once or twice because she was with someone else and heaven forbid the preacher's wife not speak to someone.

We were only acquaintances-not close. We were mostly friends because our kids were friends. I don't know how it ended between ow and H but he said he "talked to her." There has been minimal contact since (I guess). I'm not sure she knows how much I know.

So many threads here said I should have NC too. I wonder if I should let her know what I know. I have my "speech" ready should she ever say anything. It isn't harsh. It's just the facts. It will take the grace of God for me to go through with it.

I've read just about everything on the web about forgiveness. I am in the process of forgiving her and H. Forgiveness is something I choose to do every morning. I can't see reconciling with her for several reasons. One being that if I became too friendly w/ her H would think it ok for her "volunteer" work to resume.

God timing is always right. His will is always best. "There is no circumstance that can thwart the will of God in my life."--Oswald Chambers

Thanks again for the prayers,
landslide

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(((Landslide)))): you can thread-jack any time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Actually, it's interesting to me because although you and I are on opposite "sides" of BS/WS (thank God I can claim to be a FWS now!), the similarity lies in the fact that people were only too willing to "volunteer" to be with me/your H.

It's hard for ministers to draw healthy boundaries. So much about ministry life involves intimate details of others' lives. It is devestating when people (like myself or your H or anyone) crosses the line.

It also seems to me that we are all waiting for our opportunities to find some closure to our situations. You are praying for the right words to say to OW, Stillwaiting is waiting for restoration with her H and I'm waiting on God for whether to speak or not.

I am really feeling emotionally wrung out. I tried to rest this afternoon and was tormented with thoughts of OM. Please keep the prayers coming. I know God is greater than me and He will take care of everything in His perfect wisdom.

Bless you. (Thanks for your emails, too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

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Hi, freshstart:

I just happened to pass through, not much time, but wanted to give you my thoughts on your "situation."

I believe the dream was given to you by the Lord to remind you that HE IS IN CONTROL of everything!!!!

Meaning: Do not fear seeing OM again.

I believe you will ONLY see him again if satan thinks he can use it to create FEAR in you, to lure you into wrong thinking (dread, self-condemnation, etc), OR if God needs to cleanse something from that time in you.

I wouldn't know what that is, but Dear FS, Know This: God is using this to purify you, sanctify you, help you grow and become His Saint, more like Christ....Welcome It! Praise Him for it. With Joy.

I will be praying for you. God Bless you, my sister.

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(((Lupo)))): so awesome to hear from you!

And AGAIN! confirmation...recently I was told that God wants me to "swim" deeper in Him. I was starting to lose some of my freedom in Christ and it is being restored. I know this is a test of faith.

Thank You, Lord for my awesome MB friends holding me up in prayer!

I agree..the dream seemed even more significant after seeing OM.

I hadn't thought of that idea that maybe there is something further to be cleansed. I will seek God out on that. I believe I have cut all ties and he does not tempt me in the least. If anything, it's my persistent battle with shame that perhaps will finally be nailed to the Cross, never to be resurrected again.

How are you, Lupo? Hope to hear from you again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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FS,

Hey, I'm doing ok!!! Thanks for asking! It's been pretty crazy at work, not a lot of time for e-mail. Sorry I haven't written lately.

No changes here, except in my own heart and walk, which I guess is a good thing.......although I wish I could just talk to my WH once more....... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I miss him so much, and fear for his soul. I feel like he's so lost right now......

not good not good at all

I'm just so glad God is confirming things to you. It sounds like you are doing fine.

I'm sure there is NO temptation there......just the same, satan will try to use this to bring shame into your thinking.... and self-recrimination. Don't let him!!!

God has brought you so far.

Blessings,

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I'm going to use my own thread to go down a rabbit trail to ask for prayer!

Took 16D and 13D to dentist. 16 has 13 cavities! HELP, LORD!

Our finances are terrible and right after we left the dentist's office, my car died. H's little second car has been off the road for months. I would take a second job but I don't think I have time--my job even at part time is busy with flexing hours and eventually I will probably go full time.

The more I pray about money, the worse things appear to become. I have determined not to give up as I believe that's what the devil wants.

With this stupid incident of seeing OM again and now more money troubles, I feel discouraged and angry and sad and frustrated. AAAAAA!!!

The dentist is a Christian and so is his receptionist (I think). The receptionist was so kind--she sent my claim for the kids in (thank You, Lord, for a part time job with benefits!) to see how much my insurance company will cover before billing us. There are some mercies.

Sorry for venting and I know this isn't the biggest problem on the board. I just could use an extra prayer if anyone has a second tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks!

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Hi freshstart,

I have plenty of time to pray for you and the others on this board, because when I get too busy in the daytime, God is gracious enough to wake me from about 2-4AM so I can have plenty of time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When I have money worries I remember that our Heavenly Father owns it all. He knows your needs and has promised to supply them. Sometimes He waits until the money is gone until he sends an answer, just like sometimes he waits for healing on the other side of the grave.

I pray He gives you peace while He works this out for you. He is truly a good Father. We bring Him the things in our lives that are broken and He invites us to sit with Him while He unravels every problem.

Sleep well my friend. You are a child of the King.

In my prayers,
landslide

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Landslide, thanks! Today is a better day! My boss told me my partner is considering taking a package and leaving. I wish her well--I have noticed she seems more at peace. Actually, she could use prayer because she and her H are seeking God's will on a new venture together.

We got our starter replaced for free because it was still under warranty! AND H might get his little car fixed up at long last, giving me back my freedom with work and freeing him to do his pastoral visiting rather than chauffeuring me!

And they told me at work that I might only have to return to that store (where I nearly bumped into OM) one or two Saturdays (starts Mar 22 which is my day to be there)instead of all 4.

You are right, God is good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My devotions out of Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His highest today was about how we make Christ inferior by imposing our human limitations and trying to figure out He will answer our needs--we really can't fit such a big God into our little box. I guess sometimes I think I have such huge faith and then it feels like I run out..a friend said I really do have big faith and that's why it gets tested. Sounds plausible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In any case, thank you for your patience and prayers. Sorry about the two hour window of no sleep but that's awesome that you can use it for prayer. I hope the Lord refreshes you during that!

Blessings!

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Hey Freshstart, glad to see things are looking better! I am just in the process of realizing that God has unlimited resources and all we need to do is ask. This past week He has given me such hope for my marriage, and I know that I can trust Him with all things! I always get a little freaked out as summer approaches, because my business is really slow in that time, and the finances are not always there. But although I worry, God always sees me through. I always have enough to get by. I will trust Him to continue to provide my needs and do my best not to worry anymore!
Hey I'll be in Edmonton for that marriage conference. Have you heard anything about it?
I'll email you some info on it, maybe we could get together for a visit during that weekend?

Actually I have the info here, in case anyone else lives in the area and wishes to attend.

Canadian Marriage Conference March 27 - 29, 2003
will be held at Sherwood Park Pentecostal Church in Sherwood Park, AB. For more info contact
NAME CANADA (780)449-1500
EMAIL namecanada@marriageenhancement.com
website is : www. marriageenhancement.com

Speakers will be Leo and Molly Godzich/Arnold & Gwen Tackett/ Bob & Audrey Meisner and many workshops from different marriage ministries like Covenant Keepers of Canada,Promise Keepers, Family Foundations Intnl. and many more

Hope to see you there!
God Bless, Love in Christ, SW

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by freshstart:
<strong> My boss told me my partner is considering taking a package and leaving.

We got our starter replaced for free because it was still under warranty!

AND H might get his little car fixed up at long last, giving me back my freedom with work and freeing him to do his pastoral visiting rather than chauffeuring me!

And they told me at work that I might only have to return to that store (where I nearly bumped into OM) one or two Saturdays (starts Mar 22 which is my day to be there)instead of all 4.

You are right, God is good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My devotions was about how we make Christ inferior by imposing our human limitations and trying to figure out He will answer our needs--we really can't fit such a big God into our little box.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FS,

WOW!!! What a difference a couple of days makes!!!!!!!!!!!

IS GOD AWESOME OR WHAT?!?!?!?! LOOK at all the UNconventional answers to the prayers for help!!!!!!!!!! Talk about how Jesus is driving Mom's mini-van.

I am just awestruck.

PTL \o/

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You ladies are the greatest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just got home from a worship dance class. I feel so good!

Stillwaiting, I am eagerly waiting seeing you! I haven't checked out the conference yet but thanks for the info. I DEFINITELY want to meet up with you. It's always been a dream to meet anyone from MB in person and it's "ultracool" that you are a Canuck, like me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lupo, thanks for the encouragement. It amazes me the way God moves in my life. He has done incredible things and shown me an ocean of mercy.

Thoughts of OM are dying down and not bugging me again even when they come. I just ignore it. I talked with H and we agreed there is nothing I need to say to him. Actually we were in a coffee shop and I asked H if I should ask OM to forgive me. He raised his voice YOU FORGIVE HIM??? I was so embarrassed--the man across the way from us overheard. It's hard to describe the way that reaction made me feel inside--to know that I am finally pure and right in God's and H's eyes. Wow. GOD IS GOOD!

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Just a quick update. Yesterday was Mar 22 and I did have to go back to the store for the event for my work. AND I did see XOM there again.

This time, H was standing beside me and we were busy talking to others. I saw OM coming in through the double doors to the store. I avoided contact but noticed he also saw us. His response was to quickly turn his head the other way. I imagine he didn't want to find out if H really meant his death threat email 2 years ago!

I felt sick to my stomach but I survived and didn't have to go home or anything. I did manage to get out of the store quickly without making a scene and told H once we were out the door.

One thing that surprised me was that I was VERY glad that OM saw that H truly did forgive me and stayed with me...that our M healed and we are obviously happy. I have moved on with my life. I didn't anticipate all those good feelings. That was nice!

However, it got me wondering if he thinks of me..blah blah blah. I don't need to think about that junk. It doesn't matter.

Also, an update on the job thing. I have applied for a new job but haven't had any response. I'm frustrated now with my work. I think I feel ready to get back into more of a ministry-related work. I do believe that God uses me where I am and my work brings me into contact with tons of Christians. I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home type and suddenly I find myself wondering what that would be like and that it might actually feel good.

I told my Mom maybe I'm having a healthy mid-life crisis this go-round! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your prayers and advice. You have all been a wonderful blessing and help.

SW, your niece called me. I think I need her number again. My email was full but I think it's OK again now.


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