I am a WW.

I'm sure like a lot of WS, I wanted to think of myself as different. I searched the Bible for loopholes and found none.

My husband and I really married too quickly. He wasn't exactly honest with me while we were dating and I didn't exactly wait to figure it all out either. I was afraid of being alone and loved feeling someone love me. It didn't take long for our marriage to become routine and distant. For about the first five years, I tried everything to keep that from happening. I read marriage books, went to counceling by myself, went to church, listened to tapes, tried to keep sex exciting and different, and asked him what he wanted from me. He rejected me over and over again. He pushed me away- any effort that I made to be close to him resulted in nothing.

Eventually, I gave up. However we have a beautiful and perfect little girl and I didn't want to disrrupt her two parent home.

I was sad and lonely and tired and depressed, but I centered everything around my daughter, so that I wouldn't have to see reality. I did everything that I could think of to make her world normal dispite that lack of love between her mom and dad. I accepted the way things were.

I had an affair after a business trip. It was my first time away alone since my daughter was born and I was sad to leave her, but thrilled to be free. I was vibrant and alive and fun. I had a great time! When you become vibrant and alive you tend to attract other people. While I was on the trip a man that I knew asked if he could kiss me and I told him no, I am married. The fact that he wanted to had me so excited. I felt desireable again.

When I came home, I told my husband, that the man had asked if he could kiss me, but I didn't tell him how it made me feel. I made it sound crazy- like how wierd would that be, that someone else would want to kiss me. I don't really remember him saying much of anything.

While I was on the trip, I also got to know another man that works in the same building as me (at home). There was definate physical attraction between us, but I didn't really think about it.

We ran into each other at work periodically and he asked me to lunch. I went. He told me how much fun that I am, blah, blah, blah and before I knew it we were going to lunch more frequently. One day at lunch we kissed. It was exciting. Eventually, we had sex. I was so discusted with myself. It wasn't love it was definately lust and I knew it was wrong. I promised myself that it would never happen again and I eventually cut all ties with him.

I decided that I wouldn't tell my husband. I didn't want to hurt him and honestly, I didn't want to admit that I had done something so bad. I found a church close to where we live, I started going to counceling again, and I tried, unsuccessfully, to somehow connect with my husband. He wasn't interested, so I went to stay with my mother.

I came back home after he promised me to go to counceling, church, etc. I happened for about a month. Then I completely gave up. I should have left, but I didn't. We just lived our seperate lives. But now, I was no longer going to pursue him. I would invite him places with my daughter and I, but if he didn't want to go, I would just go alone. I went to school, out with friends, church, and I became a happy, fulfilled woman who loved herself and her daughter. I was outstanding at work and school. My daughter and I made wonderful memories together, and I had close (female) friends like I have never had before.

Last year, a new guy started to work in my office. He is confident, charismatic, charming. We instantly liked each other and developed a close friendship. We went to lunch together (with co-workers) and talked and laughed.

He was engaged, but his fiance wouldn't set a date. He was very discouraged with his relationship. He really wanted to get married and start a family. I used to think that she must be crazy and that if I were single I would date him in a heartbeat. I wondered what she was like and I prayed that she would see how special that he is.

Through the course of a few months, we would talk in the office, never alone, and there would be moments that we would look at each other too long. No words were spoken about feelings, but they were there and were obvious. We went through cycles of avoiding each other, light banter, and conversations with real matter. One night a group from the office went out. Later he walked me to my car and we told each other of our feeling out loud. And we cried. He kissed me on the forehead before I left and I cried all the way home.

The next time we saw each other, we agreed that we shouldn't "go there." We agreed that it was never going to happen and I told him about my previous affair. I told him that I would never do that again and if I were ever to be single again that I wasn't planning on having sex before marriage anyways- so for me it wasn't an option. So we agreed to be freinds.

Everyday that I came come from work I was sad. I was sad that my home was not happy and that it had not been. I was sad that while time was passing by that I never had the second child that we had planned on. I was sad that I didn't want to have the second child because I didn't want another one to witness a loveless marriage. I was sad because I thought that I could just exist like this and I never dreamed that I would fall in love. I didn't think that I needed it.

My husband noticed that I was different and he asked me what was wrong with me and eventually I told him.

It's been eight months and we are both a wreck. My husband is a completely different man and he loves me now. Although, I know the right thing to do would be to fix this marriage, I don't want to. I can logically figure out all of the reasons that I should, but I can't shake the anger and sadness and despair. I don't want to say goodbye either.

My husband has admitted that it is a lot to ask, considering our bleak past, but he is willing to do anything except let me go.

I can't seem to make a decision and I am going out of my mind. I am in love with the OM. It's not a lust thing. He is good and kind and willing to let me go if that is my choice. He loves me too. I don't have doubt of that.

In many ways, I see this as a tragedy, although I can see the blessings too. My husband has been saved and has woken up from his emotionless slumber. He has new opportunities and the confidence and strength that only comes from God. Our lives can be different now, if I just make the choice.

People may want to me or feel angry at me for betraying my husband, but please, if you respond, do so gently, because I guarantee that I have been harder on myself than anyone else.

I'm sorry that this was so long, but it was helpful to get it out there. I really need some prayer. Please enlighten me.

Dear Broken1, I am sorry that you are struggling through the difficulties that you have been going through for some time.I am so glad to see that you have found this MBer's site at a time when there is spiritual awakening in both your lives.I truly believe that God can and will help in this situation and you will find a lot of help and guidance here.

I would like to suggest that you post or copy and paste your post to the GENERAL QUESTIONS site under the INFIDELITY area.The RECOVERY site is also fantastic and there are many wonderful people who have already experienced what you are going through.You will find people who are very helpful,understanding.There will be noone who will hate you or be cruel to you. Sometimes straight forward with truth in a kind way but not with hate or cruelty.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> People may want to me or feel angry at me for betraying my husband, but please, if you respond, do so gently, because I guarantee that I have been harder on myself than anyone else.

I'm sorry that this was so long, but it was helpful to get it out there. I really need some prayer. Please enlighten me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have my prayers and you will find a lot more if you will share with the people on Gen Q.There are other WS's who post there,too.
You CAN make the right choice.You made two very good ones by #1. asking for prayer.#2.coming to this MB site.I wish for you the best.I will be watching for your progress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> kk

My prayers for you... as you suffer greatly from this addictive behavior.

I pray you seek and find answers that are healthy and spiritual.

Adultery is ugly. Adultery is like a cancer sickness. You are in terrible pain. Please seek treatment for this soul-eating addiction of adultery.

Broken1, believe me I feel you........I too have faced some things with my husband and his indiscretions..........and when I think of some of what I really know it makes me sick to the stomach.....so I have given it to God and I am committed to doing whatever it takes that is in my power with God's help to make it work......though my husband is not really where I am in my relationship with God...I am totally committed....... one thing I always think about is the fact that I have not been a saint and if God can change me and forgive me and wait on me to turn to Him, I can do that for my husband. Most of all I believe I had figured out that my husbands issues are from childhood, possibly even from birth....and I hope that I am part of the solution and certainly dont want to be the/a problem for him...... so just go inside yourself, deny self, we have to do that sometime and you have for the best results...... I believe that it won't be that/this way always....pray and fast that God will restore your faith in the relationship you can have now with your husband ... especially if he is now willing....that means a lot, just remember when he was not........ and I feel as for the OM...... you will just not be happy in the end....... but that is my opinion........TRUST GOD, he will show u the way...

Here’s your prayer…

Heavenly Father…I ask that you lift this individual out of SIN.
Cast Satan out of her life and give to her the power of your Word.
Comfort her heart with your “love”
Open her eyes to see her husband as you do
Help her to love her husband in a deep, emotional, and physical way
Let not the OM tempt her and release them both of this wrongful affection

With each step she takes down the right path, grant her a blessing that will
Reward her heart.

Protect her spiritually, emotionally, and physically from evil.
Set her heart free and allow her to forgive herself.
All this I ask in Jesus Name…Amen

God Bless
Amber Rae