I've been lurking on this forum off and on for over a year but not posted anything. I wouldn't now, except things are really falling apart, coming to a head or crisis or whatever, and I know there is no answer without prayer. How can I distill the history into a few words? Impossible, but I'll try.
My boyfriend and I are two adults, upper forties, early fifties respectively, both divorced (he for two years, me for nearly twelve), living together for a year-and-a-half after knowing each other only five months. Old enough to know better? Yes, of course. But our coming together seemed almost divine providence then and now, and our initial attraction and affinity for one another was so strong, the circumstances seemed so 'right' that we brushed aside all questions and hesitations in a manner worthy of any two foolish teenagers. And yes, we met and came together while he was 'on the rebound,' considered that, and ignored that too.
Now, broken and damaged people that we are, with two lifetimes of pain and struggle behind us, we have found that old ways and habits, old wrong methods of coping, old hurts and scars and emotional barriers rear their heads when we least want or expect them to, and are tearing us apart. Our love for each other, and our true desire to be good for each other has yet kept us from breaking up - so far. But it's getting worse. Last year after an awful fight I found this (MB) website and tried to suggest its principles as something new and different, something worth looking at as a possible way to try something new. But his mind was and is closed to it - says he doesn't need some new set of rules rammed down his throat. I still see this approach as having hope if we could only try it, but things are getting worse and we are getting farther and farther apart. Both of us are to blame, between us having repeatedly committed every one of the "love busters" and failed nearly all of the other requirements of meeting each others needs and making our 'love bank' deposits. I have an especially bad problem with pms and the horrible mood swings it entails, not to mention coping with symptoms of menopause, losing my job and not being able to find another comparable, watching my savings dwindle and my financial independence be threatened, and having to deal with my beloved youngest son being discharged from the military on the eve of deployment because he's gay, among other challenges of the past year. He has not seen nor spoken to his children in over two years, both of them having turned against him (with encouragement from their mother) as a result of the divorce which he initiated for reasons he believed (don't we all) were compelling, and is still dealing with other repercussions from his divorce, and other issues, though the more they chew on him, the less he seems to want to share them.
Yes, we know the problems are huge, and we have both made awful mistakes, both in our pasts, and together with each other. Yet we still love one another very much and feel in many ways that we are meant to be together, if we could only find a way. I can't imagine ever finding anyone so perfect for me in nearly every way, and he says the same. And I really think we could make it if only we could 1) define this relationship and decide whether or not to commit to it, i.e. get married, though that is the proverbial "elephant" in the living room no one mentions. He says he is "not ready" in the best manner of the frightened male. I say it too, to save face I guess, but I don't really mean it, though in the past I thought I never wanted to remarry. But now, knowing my BF, loving him as I do, I really would like to, to really try for once to make it work like it's supposed to, (but I'm afraid if I tell him that he WILL leave and I don't want him to go); and 2) if we could seriously approach a marriage with the outlook and tools MB provides.
I'm sorry this is so convoluted and confusing. It's so impossible to describe a relationship, let alone all the other peripheral issues surrounding it, in so few words, though it feels like I've rambled on forever here. But please, if anyone reads this, pray that the God we believe brought us together in the first place will help us through this time of conflict, will help us stay together, and help us to do it in the way that's best for us, for each other, for our families, and in accordance with his will. Please please pray for us, that we don't throw away what, at my/our age seems like it could be our last chance to finally get it right. God, I know we've done everything wrong, but please pray there's a chance for us and we will be shown the way to take it. Thank you very much.
<small>[ March 13, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Byrd50 ]</small>
