I am new to this site but I am in a very difficult situation and I need prayer support. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We were both 20 when we got married and were married in a rush (We had a 6 day engagement).
I am a Christian but was not living a Christian lifestyle at the time of our marriage. Had I been really following my faith I would have never married him. My religion states a Christian should not marry a non-Christian. His mother, a devout Christian looked at me as an answer to her prayers. Although I was not attending church on a regular basis I was a Christian and in the past he had dated atheists. I also believed that one day I would come back to my Christian roots and possibly lead my husband to the Lord.
But in the meantime we were caught up in our partying lifestyle It has been rough at times but our love has always pulled us through it. He worked to put me through college and when I graduated I had a period of about 2 years when I didn't know if I wanted to be married to him any more. I still loved him but felt unappreciated and had fallen out of love with him. He was always very affectionate and I found myself not wanting to even touch him. I decided to stay since as a Christian I do not believe in divorce.
We continued in our marriage both unhappy. Me, unappreciated and him feeling unloved. In May of 2001 we decided to try to have a baby. He had been wanting to have one since I graduated but I was not sure if I was ready for that level of commitment.
Anyway, I got pregnant relatively quickly. We found out in December of 2001. I still was aprehensive but was resolved to make the marriage work especially now. I was sick most of my first trimester but in March when I began to feel better I started noticing him acting differently toward me.
Ironically, about this time I began to feel the baby move inside me. This changed everything about how I felt about my husband. It was like I was in love with him all over again. I had his child inside of me and my life had changed. I realized it wasn't all about me. I had been self centered most of our marriage which is the main contributing factor on the breakdown of our marriage.
Sadly, he had finally began to pull away from me. After asking me to change over and over he had finally given up. I worked nights at the time and he had wanted me to work days for months. I never would change. Feeling the space grow between us just as I was reinvesting myself into our relationship I put in for a transfer to days when I came back off maternity leave. My request was granted but I still had to work nights throughout the rest of my pregnancy.
I opened up the line of communication by asking him to pay more attention to me and give me the affection I needed. He rarely touched me anymore which is totally out of character for him. I felt something wrong at this point. He spent a lot of time out with friends after work and at parties. Not wanting me to come giving the excuse I should not be in a smoke filled bar being pregnant.
I began to watch his behavior more closely and look at reciepts. I noticed a reciept for some wine and he doesn't drink wine. I confronted him on it and he said it must have been a mistake. I was really paranoid now and began checking his cell phone. That is when I found it, her phone number over and over on the call log on a daily basis. I knew what was probably going on but chose not to confront him. Here I am 6 months pregnant. Can you blame me.
I was making myself sick thinking about him meeting her all the time. I lost weight and I was pregnant so this was not good. On our 10 year anniversary, he went on a business trip to San Diego and said none of his co-workers were going. Of course I worried myself to death the whole time.
As we drove to the airport, I talked about our 10 year anniversary being a good time for us to start over and have the kind of marriage we should have always had. Even wrote him a long letter appologizing for my past behavior. He seemed sceptical but was at least touching me now.
Since I found out, I had been paying the attention I should to him. Being affectionate and getting up early to fix breakfast for him and having dinner ready for him when he got home. I felt like his touching me was at least some progress.
I had the baby and get this, she came to see us in the hospital. I don't think he told her I was pregnant. I get nauseaus thinking about it now. I asked him is she had a boyfriend and he said, "She used to." I guess he though she would stop seeing him now that she knew he had a child. Two weeks went by, my husband was very supportive and loving toward me and the baby. Then he wanted to go out to a bar with his friends. When I protested, he got angry. We had a very frank conversation and I asked him if he wanted to leave me. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to try to work it out and he said yes. I told him that was good enough for me. Time went by and I felt us getting closer. We went on a cruise in September of 2002. We had sex for the first time in months. It was good to have that intimacy with him again but I felt him detached and he never iniated the sex. The months went by at about the same level. He stayed home for Thanksgiving when I went to visit my relatives. This concerned me but I was just too tired at this point to fight with him about it. Christmas was nice, he bought me tickets to the Nutcracker ballet. This was a very thoughtful gift since he hates crowds and traffic. I was feeling better about our relationship. We spent New Years together and I felt we might make it out of this. He had quit "going in to the office" on the weekends and had not gone out to any bars with his friends during the last part of the year. However, he still went to the "driving range." In fact, he went to the "driving range" on New Years day. I didn't think anything about it. In fact, I told my sister, the only person I had confided in that I thought things were getting better and I began to let my guard down. Last Monday, my husband got called in to work all night at the last minute. This was a true work call. When I got home from work I found he had accidentally left his computer work-email account up. There for me to read was every e-mail correspondance they had ever had. I found out that the relationship started in the fall of 2001 about the time I got pregnant. She had been with him on the trip to San Diego. She had been with my baby when I was a work on the weekends and he was off. This really disturbed me. In fact, she had bought her a bunch of toys for Christmas as well as presents for him. Thankfully, none of these showed up at the house. He must have left them at her house. Finally, she was totally in love with him. As I read all these e-mails my heart sunk. I was nauseaus again. Just when I thought things were getting better. This was no casual encounter, this was a relationship. The one good thing I got out of reading this e-mail was that it appeared as if his trip to her house on New Years he broke it off. I guess his resolution was to quit cheating. She e-mailed him the 2nd asking him what she wanted him to do with the Christmas presents and to please not bring the baby since she knew she would never see her again. And that seeing him after several days would open up the hurt all over again. Unfortunatly, my happiness was short lived. He agreed to meet her friends that weekend while I was a work. But I went further though the e-mails and they became chatty during February. I deducted from one of her responses that he must have said they must cut off all e-mails too. Now, again awake to this problem I found through sluthing that she had moved. One Sunday morning after a really nice weekend together he said he was "going golfing." From past experiance I do not trust this excuse. I told him I was going to try to find some garage sales. I let him get ahead of me then headed over to her house. She was not home but the timing was perfect in that he drove by her house just as I was pulling down the street. Our eyes met and he kept going. My heart was racing, was this going to be the confrontation. I sat there. I prayed to God, to guide me as to what to do. I went home. He called me on my cell phone and made up a lame excuse that didn't make any sense as to why he was in that neighborhood. Back to my faith, I have been praying and depending on God since I initially found out about this in May of 2002. I believe this all happened as a wakeup call for me to heal my marriage before it was too late and still believe this. I have been totally selfless since I found out which is very tiring but it has not been all for nothing. I look back from the way he was treating me in May and now and it is nearly a complete turnaround. Our marriage was at 20% back then. It is about at 70% now. I attribute this to the strength God has given me. I beleive this is my cross to bear. I also feel I am reaping what I have sewn 10 fold like the Bible says. Since the incident with him driving by her house he has been acting even better toward me. I think it scared me. I am sure he was thinking "Oh, my gosh, if she had been there I would have stopped and would have been caught." I truly believe he wants our marriage to work but like Dr. Harly says, she was filling a void in his life that I was not providing. She made him feel good and he is having a hard time breaking the addiction. I know Dr. Harley says that you have to get away from the source of the addiction but in our situation that is not possible. I cannot confront him because I do not want to risk the possibility of divorce. I still believe I am to lead my husband to Christ one day and if we are divorced that can never happen. He is a good man and is trying to do the right thing but being a non-Christian he cannot pray for strength. I pray for him but I recently read in a prayer book about the power of group prayer. All I have is my sister as I do not want to tell family about this. Please, pray for me. I believe God led me to this web site for a reason. I also believe my suffering is close to ending. God is working hard on my marriage for me. Needless to say, my relationship with God is the best it has ever been since he is the only one I can turn to. I have left my life at his feet completly this past weekend. I was so tired of trying to fix things all by myself. It is such a relief. I feel 100% better since doing this. I have my appetite back and have even more energy to pour into healing our marriage. I am making changes for the better in my Christian life and my faith has truly matured. But I am not out of the woods yet. This is my second chance and I am not going to blow it. Wow, what a wake up call huh? Any Christians out there that can understand what I am saying I would love all the input I can get. Thanks for reading my long drawn out story and for caring to respond.

Dear Needing Advice,

I'm so sorry about your situation and really don't have the words to say to help although I will pray for you and keep you lifted up.

God allows everything to happen and will open our eyes when they need to be opened, I will pray for continued strength in your relationship with your husband and that God's will be done.

I'm finding myself that the closer I get to God (lapsed Christian coming back again to the Lord) the harder things become because the enemy is MAD! Stay in the Word, pray for guidence and to keep your eyes open, He will show you what you should know and open the right opportunity to allow you to learn and grow in Him. Your a blessing to this man and to your child, I wish you the best.

" I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned to secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:12, 13

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9