Happy Thanksgiving everyone!<P>I have been doing a lot of soul searching this past 48 hours. I realize that I have an anger issue that has driven a wedge between my H and I long before his affair.<P>I have been doing some reading on how to re-channel my anger into something more productive. I realize that this transformation if not going to happen overnight- but it is going to happen if I concentrate on it, and make it a healthy habit.<P>I do need all of your help. I am changing my Plan B to a Plan A/B mix, and then eventually Plan A. I don't plan on making any contact w/ my H. I will wait until he initiates it. I will see him during our visitation times now, begin as my D is having trouble going w./ him. I need to show her that it is good for her to see her daddy and that I must do what I can to show her my healthy attitude toward my H.<P>I do know that this may not get my H to come back home. But, regardless of that, I will be more comfortable with how I feel and what is being perceived by my D in regard to my H. <P>Since she is so young, I think it is very important that she learn now- since we have YEARS to co-parent- that the way things are right now, are ok.<P>Anyone have any thoughts? I WILL need your help here. If anyone has any suggestions on what has worked for them in regards to non-love busting techniques, I would be more than happy to hear them.<P>This board is teaching me every day. I guess I am a slow learner. I'm trying. <P>Thanks everyone.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Cheryl,<P>What a wonderful attitude! I don't have any pearlsof wisdom today regarding the anger issue. Sounds like it is an old issue - do yo9u plan to clear the air with your H at some point over this issue?<P>Regardless, you are making a grat choice to heal old wounds regardless of the marital outcome. Your D is LUCKY to have such a great role-model for a parent!!!!<P>Roll Me Away

{{{{{{{{{{Cheryl}}}}}}}}}}<P>Happy Thanksgiving to you too! <P>Yikes... I just sent as my last reply to cbs' post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009993.html" TARGET=_blank>Couple of questions help?</A>... an explanation of why she should continue in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?!<P>That doesn't mean it applies to you... <P>Everyone one knows, who's been here a while, that the choice and timing of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>, or a modified Plan A/B... is a very individual thing...<P>Check out that post just the same... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009993.html" TARGET=_blank>Couple of questions help?</A><P>I understand completely about showing/having a "good" relationship between you and H in front of your D! I think about it all the time too... and I can't help but feel that it is because of just this... that I am staying in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. Although I think it is possible to explain to D (age dependent... how old is she?) the concept of protecting your feelings (for H) in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>... in simple terms!<P>As I am learning from so many here too... just a book someone suggested... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis.<P>Prayers for a good friend... with hard choices ahead... <P>Jim<BR>

Hi CeeCee -<P>This is so great!!!! It's exactly what we are supposed to be doing through this nightmare.....taking a look at ourselves and learning what positive changes that we can make to improve our lives - or at least the parts that we have some control over...<P>Good for you!!!! Your D is a very lucky girl!!!!<P>And we are all lucky to have such a wonderful example of how we can accomplish some things through all this!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

CC-<BR>In the link I gave you, it gives some ideas on how to deal with an angry person.... ie: your husband, without getting caught up in the anger game that goes nowhere.<P>I'll give it to you again. Scroll all the way down, and surf over to the discussion board - and look at some of the freebies. You don't have to buy the workbook, but you may get some insight into "how" to change some of your behaviors that may change his.<P>Good luck, and hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.<P>Connie<BR> <A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com/discuss/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com</A> <p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited November 25, 1999).]

RMA-<BR>Thank you. I don't think I will share this with my H verbally. I have a lot of reasons why I can't do this it. I do intend to show him this through my actions, however. It is part of the reason that I am no longer going to have a go between for visitiations. I think it is important for me to SHOW him that I am working on changing my behaviors.<P>NSR-<P>I always love to hear from you. You are so kind and so compassionate. Our daughter is 2. She has had a lot of trouble adjusting to this. I know that she misses her daddy and he misses her. For a long time, I was -I admit it- trying to 'get back at him', if you will, for the pain that he caused me. I have to learn to seperate my relationship w/ him and the relationship he has w/ our daughter. <BR>Thanks for the book tip. I'll check it out.<P>Sheba-<BR>Thanks for friend. It feels good to let go of some of this. It actually feels good to know that I had my part to play in all of this. I think that knowing this and dealing w/ this will help me to get over some of the bitterness and betrayal. I hope that I will be able to continue on this path. I need lots and lots of prayers.<P>TnT-<P>I am having trouble opening the link you sent me. I will try again later. Thank you for all you do for me. I lean on you a lot and you are always there to comfort me.<BR>Yep, I did have a nice Thanksgiving- Did you?<P>Thank you all. <P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Cheryl,<P>I too had to find an outlet for my anger that would be productive to my kids, my W and most omportantly myself. I struggled with the anger for three or four months. I finally decided to put the anger where it would do the most good, I went back to school. Now I'm finishing my first quarter back in school and will finish with approx. a 3.7 GPA this quarter. Just remember that you can do whatever you set for yourself with determination and a little desire.

Here's my thoughts:<P> <P>I think you're on the right track here, especially for your daughter's sake...<P>You're doing great!! I'll be curious to see how that Plan A/ Plan B mix goes...<P>Hugs,<P>~Sheryl (with an S)<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Hi CeeCee -<P>No Problem .......<P>Prayers, shoulders, ears, eyes....whatever you need - you got it!!<P>Let the growing begin!!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi Ceecee,<P>good on you. Well done. Big, big step forward for you.<P>I too had feelings of wanting to get back at him, but I guess luckily for me I'm 1000 kms away so theres no visitation face to face times when I can blow up at him. Especially in front of the children. That is definitely NOT to say that I didn't have my times of letting him know exactly what I thought of him and the situation!!!! Luckily, or maybe unluckily, I don't really yell or shout - I get very sarcastic and cynical. Very very cutting. Don't know what's worse, when I think about it.<P>When H calls for Bridgit, I don't even say hello any more, I just hand the phone to Bridgit, but I do have to prompt her to tell Daddy what shes done all day. Last night on the ph. she practiced her songs for the Christmas concert with him, with me there sitting beside her prompting the words.<BR>That bugged me.<BR>However, she loves her daddy, and he loves her, and I don't want her to be emotionally crippled by all this. <BR>The children do need to know that they are loved by BOTH parents, and more importantly, that it's ok for THEM for love both parents.<P>You've done a wonderful thing for your daughter, and for yourself. I'm so so very proud of you. You put your daughter first in this whole mess, and my firm belief is that they have to come first where all these issues are concerned. Especially at their tender ages.<P>I also think (god, all these opinions I have, sorry)<BR>that by SHOWING your H how you are dealing with your anger is 1000 times better than telling him. I'm sure his response (in his head) would be yeah yeah, whatever you say !!<BR>Am I right. I know that is what my H would think. (OK, now I can mindread too !!!)<P>One last thing, your healthy attitude towards your H, where your d is concerned, WILL reap its own rewards. It will be your reward to have a healthy, adjusted, emotionally stable child who knows she is loved by both her parents. It is so worthwhile, your future actions, as these children need to be protected from the big nasty old world out there.<P>I am so proud of you girl. Go show him what a fine woman you are, and what a wonderful mother you are. That you CAN put your own feelings aside, for the sake of your baby.<BR>YOU will feel so much better about yourself too.<P>(((((((((((Cheryl))))))))))))))<P>(is that the hug, did you get it !!!)<P>You ARE doing the right thing, and I think you know that. There's so much more that I want to say, about how proud I am of you, but I would be repeating myself. <BR>One small step........<P>Take care of you and baby<P>Love and hugs, and prayers<P>Jo<P>ps.. this time difference is a bummer. Its 6.30 am Sat here, and I've only just read your post. Please dont ever think that I've forgotten you.<P>

happy again-<P>Good for you!! I am not usually an angry person, but I am around my H. I need to find an outlet for it. I am starting by humming when I feel that feeling coming.<P>NB-<P>Thanks! I will take all the hugs and prayers I can get. How are you doing btw? I haven't been following to much lately. Trying to do something- ya know!<P>Sheba-<P>Thanks again. I know that you will be there for me to lean on. I apprecate that.<P>Bonnet-<P>I would never think you are forgetting about me. I know how hard it is when you have children. I will be sending you an e-mail later.<P>Sending you all prayers!<P>Love you guys,<P>Cheryl

Score one big one for Cheryl!!!<P>Don't forget, you're supposed to send me hints for MY problem.<P>Way to go, dear friend!<P>Lori