Cyndi and I married in 1998. I was attending school full time then as I lost my career as as Police Officer due to a car accident. I was then finishing my undergrad studies hoping to move to Law School. Cyndi knew this was my plan from the beginning. Her job was a night shift and I soon moved into her house to care for her children while she worked. The chemistry and connection between us was immediate and I proposed to her the night before Easter in 1998. I presented her ring in a plastic Easter egg. We married in July 1998.
By then, her job was beginning to require longer hours and she was moved to a different terminal where neither of us believed she was safe. She also was developing health problems. We agreed she would leave her job and we would try to carry on using my savings and investments. When that began dwindling, and all of her children entered school, she returned to a day time job and I took a job and began Law School at nights. We both switched jobs a couple of times. She finally settled in a rather low paying, but very rewarding job as a teacher's aide working with handicapped children. She is very good with them as her oldest son suffers from Autism and her youngest son is learning disabled.
My work and school hours resulted in us really only seeing each other for about 30 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes between work and school and she would usually be asleep when I got home. Weekends were times to address any and all problems, housework, yard work, etc. Plus, because of the amount of time I was out of the house, her mother, brother and sister soon became regular fixtures in the house, moving furniture, redecorating and doing as they pleased without asking. When I was there, I was constantly criticized for not doing things other than studying or I would be "guilted" into leaving my studies and working on something that could have waited.
Cyndi's children's father was also a problem, not visiting the children, when he did, he would call or just return them hours earlier than he was supposed to and he would berate, beat and generally upset the children. He would then turn and yell at Cyndi. If I tried to intervene, she would tell me to stay out of it.
The stress grew and grew and both of us felt the other was not hearing the needs we expressed. When I was preparing to enter my final year of school, we talked about how the stress was affecting us and decided a trial separation was in order to sort through everything. We agreed to remain in touch, see each other as much as possible and make a true effort to reclaim the happiness. For the first 4 months, we were together every weekend whether at her house or my apartment. We did things with her children, went on day trips, worked on the house and just spent quiet time talking. I took time to closely examine myself and identify my own faults and took action to correct them. At the beginning of November, we agreed we should end the separation and I should move back home. I was elated.
On the night I was to return, I was visiting my children and parents. I accidentally bumped my cell phone which dialed Cyndi's and left a recording of a conversation we were having. She thought it was about her and I was belittling her. I can honestly say, the conversation had nothing to do with my wife. She would hear nothing of it and told me not to come home.
She refuses to talk to me about much of anything and filed for divorce in January. I have been begging her to try counseling as I know I have made so many changes in my life, I know she will be very pleased and we can rebuild a stronger marriage than we ever dreamed of.
Cyndi called me 3 weeks ago and during the conversation, I told her that all these lawyer games was keeping me from studying for the Bar Exam. She tearfully said, "You had better pass the Bar. You had better not ruin everything we worked for! We worked too hard for you to get here! You had better not blow the Bar!" I told her she was right, WE worked too hard for this and WE deserve to benefit from it. Thoughts flashed through my head that maybe she was meaning I had better not mess up her alimony claim, but then I thought she was too sincere. I went to a Bar Prep class and got through it with the belief that she is behind me and she believes in me. To me, that means there is still something there to build on. So I'm trying very hard.
She also admitted she is "casually dating" someone and she believes if we did try reconciling, I would hold that against her. I tried to reassure her I would not. She is a beautiful woman and attracts other men's attention wherever she goes. I can understand her giving into temptation and I WILL forgive AND forget.
When I think of myself in a few years, I hope and pray that, yes, I am successful, and she is by my side. I got to where I am on her strength. I want to share the fruits of our labor with her for eternity.
Through various sources, I have compiled a list of my own faults and what I can do to change them. All of them have had some impact on our marriage. I have worked very hard to make these changes and have prayed for the help of God to continue to improve myself. I have severed all ties to any "friends" who were harmful to my marriage whether because my wife was uncomfortable (former romances who remained platonic friends) to those who felt some unknown need or desire to put her down and call her names.
I have defended my wife to anyone and everyone who chooses to say negative things about her. Last month, my father and I had an argument about her. I heard Cyndi's words "Pick and choose your battles" and left before anything got out of control.
A few nights ago, I was talking to my former partner from the Police Department. He decided he should tell me I shouldn't want to take on Cyndi's autistic son for the rest of my life because "Who needs a retard" and then proceeded to call Cyndi a whore. I told him I will not stand for that and unless he decides to get his comments under control, not to call me again. Dennis and I have been friends for almost 20 years, but my wife comes first.
Today, while having lunch with my mother, she commented that I have managed to get my wedding ring back on over the cuts from the attack on me. I explained how when I was praying, I felt a presence and was "told" to put it back on so I did. I also showed her how the ring is shining like it did the day Cyndi and I were married and I did nothing to clean it or polish it. I told her I thought this was a sign of good things to come. She said she would rather I take it off. I told her I am married still and do not intend to remove the symbol of that marriage. Fortunately, she did not continue the discussion. Otherwise, I would have had to leave.
I have another friend who is recuperating from cancer surgery. As I began writing this letter, I was talking to her on the phone. She was giving me the "Get On With Your Life" speech and I told her I do not want to hear that and if she felt compelled to continue, I would have to hang up.
I am trying to study for the PA Bar Exam which is in 18 days. I am trying to keep Cyndi's words of how "We worked too hard for this" in my mind and do this, not just for me but for US.
I have spent the entire year of our separation working to improve myself so she can have the husband she desires and we can have the marriage I always wanted to give her.

Thank you again for your prayers. The responses I get from members is amazing and very uplifting. I know I am asking God for a miracle and miracles are rare things. I hope he looks down on me and sees the good this miracle will do for many lives and grants it very soon. Our 5 year anniversary is July 24th. We, at one time, discussed renewing our vows on that day. Though I have doubts, I am still hoping we can do that.

Bob,

Miracles are everyday things for God. They just seem like miracles to us because we have a hard time believing that the "Creator of the Universe" has time for us. Well Bob, you need to know God's character doesn't allow Him to spend any less than 100% of His time waiting for us to get close to Him.

Get close to God and keep praying for Cyndi. You'll be in my prayers.

S&C

Thank you steadfast. I am doing everything possible to get closer to God. But for each step I take forward, someone knocks me back 2. Getting very depressed and now under the care of a psychiatrist. Just can't seem to get a break. Now, my career in Law is ruined.
I have nothing left as a future so I guess it's time to leave it all behind.

Bob,

BTDT. I was the president of a small corporation myself about 9 years ago. Now I'm low man on the totum pole in a team of system analysts. And that's not bad I think God is where he wants me to be.

I can tell you that God is a God that can truely rebuild from nothing. You are precious to Him. Just keep in mind; "The main thing, is to keep the main thing, the main thing." And that is to put God first. Seek his companionship and guidance.

Hang in there and bless you.

S&C

Bob,

I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, that many here will, and that you are not alone, and whatever we can do to offer you our support and encouragement, well, just know that we care.

I, like you, am questioning right now, how, what is going on in my life is part of God's plan.

A few weekends ago, I was feeling so low and feeling that nothing in my life was ever going to be ok again. I just found out that for the year my WH and I have been separated, I have been praying for reconciliation, and the OW was pregnant. MY WH and OW had a baby and I didn't even know she was expecting. So, I understand how you feel that every time you try to move ahead, it seems you get knocked back.

I went for a long walk on the beach and sitting in the sand by the surf, I looked far out and saw the spouts of a whale and then I soon saw it breaching, coming up from the ocean and going back in. It's not common here for us to see them, and especially this close to shore.

Well, on my way back, I just kept thinking about Jonah and being in the belly of the whale and how our God is a God of second chances. I went home and read about Jonah. He had to totally become obedient to God and trust that God would help him, and not rely on his own thinking or what was in this world, but in the spirit. Hard for us humans to do, as least it is for me.

I'm struggling too, Bob, but I just want you to keep coming here and talking to us. Steadfast always has an encouraging word, and tomorrow, I will be praying for you.

Let us know how you are, ok??

God Bless You, cajeanie

THank you for your prayers. I'm still doing lousy. Wife has filed a huge brief packed full of lies and trying to force me out of any decision making regarding the house. He new boyfriend is stalking me and I can;t seem to get any help from the Police. Just waiting for the next attack.
God? Are you listening?

I'm sorry, Bob.

I will definitely be praying for you as well.

Gregg

Bob,

Just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. Sorry to hear about your challenges. How are you doing?

God Bless, cajeanie

Bob, hang in there!! I also am praying for reconciliation in my marriage. It is not easy, but it is right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> God will honor and bless your desire to be faithful to your wife. Focus on you, not her, and trust the Lord during this very difficult and painful time.

Also, I want to recommend two sites that have helped me so much. One is called Restore Ministries (www.restorem.org) and the other is Rejoice Ministries (www.rejoiceministries.org). At the first site, you can get a prayer partner.. someone who is in a situation similar to yours (a man). There are also some powerful testimonies in there that I'd encourage you to read. At the other site, you can sign up for a daily devotional (it's called "Charlyne Cares"). Those devotionals have at times, gotten me through the day and been the voice of God telling me to hang in there!

You can also get books and tapes from both sites. There is a men's book at Restore Ministries. I have the women's book and it really opened my eyes to so much. Both couples were themselves divorces (both men had affairs) but have been reconciled for several years now and began these ministries.

I, like you, distanceed myself from anyone saying "move on", etc. I remember telling a friend shortly after the divorce (10 mo ago) that I was not going to date for a year in hopes of reconciliation (now, I'm not dating indefinitely!! At that time though, it was only a year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . She said, "Oh please! You know you'll be dating before then!" I was really upset actually. My family also tells me "move on" etc. so I simply keep quiet. Most of my talks about reconciliation are with the Lord and only, well, really only one other woman, my prayer partner who is also praying for reconciliation in her marriage. No one can really understand because this is something God is speaking to you about, not to them. God has shown you this, and God is the one leading you.

I think alot of Abraham when God told him to sacrifice (KILL!) his son. He told no one! If he had, I'm sure they would have tried to stop him. If it were today, they'd say he was mentally ill, hearing voices, a murderer, bipolar, yada, yada. But, he told no one. If he had, well, no one would have understood because it was God speaking to Him, telling him, not others, what His will for him was.

It is also awesome that you are defending your wife and choosing not to slander or gossip about her or to listen to slander or gossip about her. God will bless that! I learned that it is wrong to share our spouse's sins with others, even if they are really sins that really hurt.

Remember Noah? He had three sons. Well, after the Flood, he got drunk and made a fool of himself by exposing himself in a drunken state (he was naked... basically a drunken idiot). Well, two of the sons tried to cover him. They tried to cover him so he wouldn't be shamed. Well, the third son, however, told people. And Noah, cursed that son's son Ham, and the race of Ham was forever cursed as a consequence of the son's blabbing about his dad's sin.

Boy, did that story speak to me! NO ONE needs to know the details of our spouse's sins. God is the greatest counselor there is and He is sufficient for us to share those things to and to help us with them. Personally, I feel like when I share my husband's wrongdoings, I am betraying him. How could he ever trust me again if I can't keep my mouth shut?

Well, Bob, I didn't mean to say so much. These were just the things that came to mind in response to your post so hopefully, they are things God will use to speak to you adn bring you encouragement as well.

Keep pressing on and keep having faith in God. Check out those sites. I think they will really be blessings for you. What you are doing is so not easy and is so opposite the world's advice, but it is so good and I for one, encourage you to keep on.

I will pray for you!

God bless!

p.s. I just looked up the verse about Noah and his nakedness.

Here it is:
Genesis 9:21-25 "When he [Noah] drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness and told his two brothers outside. But shem and Japheth [the 2 brothers] took a garment and ladi it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father's nakedness. Their faces were turnde the other way so that they would not see their father's nakedness. When Noah awoke from his wiine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, he said, "Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will be to his brothers."

Then he went on to bless the other two brothers and said that Canaan would be the slave to them.

(Sorry I got some names wrong and details a little off!)

Anyways, the point is: Ham broadcast his father's shame rather than trying to cover it. He was basically a blabbermouth. The other sons tried to avoid further disgrace to their father.

I think it's an example for us that shows us that we should not blab about the sins or disgraces of our loved ones.

God bless!

Bob,

How are you doing? There are lots of opinions here by many. I do reccommend that you go to Cerri's thread on JFO and post to her and get some feedback from her. She is a professional trained in Harley's program and will help with some practical advice as well.

God Bless You,
Cajeanie