Hi everyone,
My W and I have been married for 20 years this past Feb.
Last night I broke the news to my W that I was seeing an OW since March. We met via the internet and met in person a week later and in April we had relations 3 times. My conscious has made me break up with the OW 3 times so far. Thoughts of losing my Godchildren, my friends, my church, etc. came to mind each time. Definitely going on a roller coaster ride here. The OW and I have fallen in love and I've tried so many times to stay away but the withdrawal phase hurt so bad.
Both my W and I are Christians. I was baptised Apr.1993 with my wife but she has been saved since she was a child. My life has been a struggle trying to shed my old self which involved the internet and many OW while married.
After breaking the news to her that I loved the OW more than her I went numb. I couldn't handle the conversation anymore. I prayed in my spare basement bedroom and read Decision magazines for guidance. My W still wants me to stay despite my many faults including the lastest one. I'm so weak that I'm not sure if it would work. I was scheduled to join a men's program for total growth in Sept. but now I'm in total disarray. I feel my heart has hardened so much that I feel too fargone. Is it too late for me?

<small>[ July 22, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: VanDan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by VanDan:
<strong>
Last night I broke the news to my W that I was seeing an OW since March. The OW and I have fallen in love and I've tried so many times to stay away but the withdrawal phase hurt so bad.
After breaking the news to her that I loved the OW more than her I went numb. I prayed in my spare basement bedroom and read Decision magazines... I was scheduled to join a men's program for total growth in Sept. but I feel too fargone. Is it too late for me?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry no one has responded to you yet, Vandam.

Please consider going to the men's program, regardless of how you are feeling. You, apparently, KNOW what the right thing to do is....but it's hard, isn't it? Well, it gets easier with time, if you "just do it."

Withdrawal from A is very, very hard. But you have an advantage over many trying to do it. You and your W know the Lord! Of course you know He doesn't want you engaging in extra-marital A......AND He doesn't want you to leave your M for an A. Soooo, where does that leave you? FIX THIS!!

Commit fully to your M, your W, and God, and just do NC (that's NO CONTACT) with OW.

Van, have you read the Concepts linked above with this site? You MUST do that! They explain ALL of this. It explains all about the withdrawal, and the pain, and HOW to break off an A. Of course there will be withdrawal - and pain. But, you have also considered the pain many others will feel if you leave!!

Time to get help doing this (that's why you're here, I KNOW!!). BUT, we can't really help you. Only GOD can.

Ask Him, Van. HE's there, waiting to help you get yourself back on track with your life, and HIS PLAN for your family.

God Bless,

Thank you lupolady for your prayers!

Yes I certainly got lucky finding this site using Google.com...this has really helped me see what the root of my problems have been, where its taken me and where to go from here.

I tried the NC but I was weak by the 8th day and emailed the OW. Last night my W and I went to the beach and with my printed copies of most of the pages in this website we sat down and read together with some breaks in between for discussion. She says the item missing is how the BS is to deal with the hurt feelings while working on the POJA. I looked for it but I may have missed it.
I did feel my hardened heart softening yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home after work I sat down with the W and discussed about what the next move was.
Earlier in the day I emailed the OW to find out why she was in love with me. I told the OW my reasons which I thought were pretty good and her response was a short and vague sentence. That didn't sit right with me and I asked her to elaborate and again I was left wanting. I then followed up with the question of would she have me if I came out of this with hardly any money. She replied that money didn't matter.
From that point on I felt that Satan was using me like a puppet to hurt both the OW and my W. My W was an emotional basketcase and will be seeing her doctor today for a medical slip to excuse her from working the next two days. My wife has lupus and no surviving relatives, so I now know that leaving her would heap much guilt of abandonment as well as guilt of leaving my faith, friends and family. My W thinks that taking steriods for the lupus has played a part in her feelings and desires for me but I do know that I haven't been proactive in working to make things better, ie EN for her.
This morning I'm getting ambivalent about my decision to reconcile yesterday and thinking about the OW again. I have to pray for the armour of God to shield me constantly during the day and days to come.

VanDan,

Glad you found MB. This is truely a godsend for many marriages. And don't think you found this place by accident.

God wants you here to find out how to heal yourself, your W (Wife) and your M (Marriage).

God has plenty of things for you as a H (Husband). I would you recommend you do short but extensive study on Eph. 5:25-30

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find out what this word "Love" really means. I think your W already understands it.

You're in my prayers too!

Bless you on this journey of discovery, and above all get real close to God.

S&C

Wow! Thank you Steadfast!
I never thought that God would have taken me to MB once I hit the "I feel lucky" button at Google.com!

Thank you also for Ephesians 5:25-30!

quote:
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Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body.
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The OW told me that I have to love myself first (she is Roman-Catholic btw while I'm a baptist) but I couldn't understand that concept. Now, after reading that passage its making sense to me now. I feel so much empowered now!

God bless you all!

VanDan,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OW told me that I have to love myself first (she is Roman-Catholic btw while I'm a baptist) but I couldn't understand that concept. Now, after reading that passage its making sense to me now. I feel so much empowered now!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I'm glad got something out of it, that's a start. But I was hoping you'd focus more on the first part Eph. 5-25. ...love your wives, just as Christ loved the church....

Along with that I will tell you, and I will be blunt; "NEVER HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH OW AGAIN!" The only contact you should ever have with her again is in the form of a NC (No Contact) letter.

I doubt you will understand this now, but betraying your spouse is probably the; SINGLE MOST HURTFUL thing you can do to your spouse. You have to prove to her that you care more about her feelings than you do the feelings of the OW and even yourself.

You my friend have a long road ahead of you to rebuild trust you destroyed. You will learn more about God and His desired relationship with you and how close they are to His design for M than you ever thought possible.

You are very, very lucky man, to have a woman that is willing to go through the pain and agony she will endure to stay with you. Don't screw it up.

You have the ability to build a M that is beyond your dreams.

Bless you.

S&C

Thanks S&C!

I read the entire passage and I know I've sinned terribly. I did send off the NC email to the OW before I read your reply.
Yes, I do realize that I've treated her badly and its going to be an even longer road to recovery.
It used to be that she would tell me that I haven't shown proof to her that I love her and now with this situation she will have to tell me what I can do to repair the damage.

Called the W at home and she feels a little better. Looking forward to talking with me tonight about the MB pages and the agreement. She was an emotional basketcase yesterday while I was at work. Broke down and cried each time she received calls from her workplace. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She went to see her doctor today to get an excuse slip for not working the next two days.
She has lupus and is taking antihistimines and steroids to counteract against the antibodies that attack the DNA. In a previous discussion a couple of months ago where I wanted to leave, her anti-DNA count went sky-high. With no parents and the closest relative being in San Fran I'm all that she has. I've realized that for me to abandon her is cruel and despicable.

<small>[ July 23, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: VanDan ]</small>

Van
I hope you have read some of the boards and see that often a fog of true love or loving more than is common as is the withdrawl. Its like a drug, once you let evil into your life it snowballs you.
But as you are a christian you know the path is one of doom. God does not and will not bless any evil act. But all is not lost, forgiveness from God is a easy one, its forgiveness from yuor wife you are seeking and I wish you well. This can be a awesome place to help heal your heart and soul. May I offer this to you?
"Lord, take this man and all his dispair and burdens of his sin and of his heart and raise him up Lord, wash him and cleanse him in your love, release him from the holds of the worldy father and let him return to the path you have chosen for him. Lord we ask you to soothe and comfort his wife as she is hurtting lord. We ask that you wrap your arms around her as a sheild and give her strength for this journey. May angels be at your doors and the healing to begin. Only you father can see where this parth is going but allow these two to walk it together and to acheive a pure simple happy marriage just like it was new, father bless them, and protect them to do the things your heart desires and we thank you Father Amen"

Thank you all for your prayers! As I sit at my desk at work this morning tears are welling up in my eyes as I read your prayers and look at a picture of my wife's smiling face. Her steadfast love for me could only come from Jesus Himself.

Last night we talked some more with the pages from MB in our back yard. When it got a little too cool we went back inside to the kitchen and talked some more about honesty. She then asked me more probing questions about the OW and her thoughts on the subject. In a way it was a relief to be relieved of the burden of lies I carried. She had an inkling that I wasn't honest with her then and gave me many changes to come clean last year. At one point she thought that my masturbation was a contributing factor to my carpal tunnel problems and I disagreed. As she is a nurse she said that it was most likely a major factor. Well I don't do it that often, not even daily and I work the pc mouse 7 hrs a day 5 days a week. Usually I get extremely upset and would storm off but I didn't this time. Remembering about the enthusiastic agreement we both agreed that we had a difference of opinion and changed the subject.
Things cooled down and we continued to talk.
All in all things are improving slowly and last night she asked if we could be a little bit intimate and asked if I was in enthusiastic agreement with her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Again I want to thank all of you for your prayers and I pray for the armour of God to protect you all from harm and evil.

<small>[ July 24, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: VanDan ]</small>

Hey, just went through your post and had a couple things come to mind.
First one thing that I think is being missed here is that the Bible says that all sin begins in the heart. IMHO one thing you need to do, is examine why you had the affair in the first place. A man leaveing his wife for another woman, usually is a direct cause of something else in their life. Sin usually starts small and slow, watching or reading the wrong type of material, not going to church, or not reading your Bible. There may be something about your spouse that makes you unhappy, that you may not be willing to admit to yourself. The problem may not be her fault, but just something you don't like. An affair is usually the result of some kind of unhappiness. I suggest you take some time to examine your heart and don't just markup the affair is being the problem. If there's something else in your life this would just be the first affair, and there will be more. Read the Bible, and pray to God to open your heart to yourself and reveal any unknown sin in your life. Pray that he convict you of anything in your life that is unpleasing to him.

If the affair is truly just a lustful thing, then you need to not only ask forgiveness for the affair, but also to help you with your lusting nature.

Many people don't see the forest through the trees, make sure the affair isn't just a tree.

As far as helping you to stay away from the OW. When you feel like going to see her, or call her, or contact her in any way, bow your head and ask God for strength. This will truly take a lot out of your desire to see her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: Chikar ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
As far as helping you to stay away from the OW. When you feel like going to see her, or call her, or contact her in any way, bow your head and ask God for strength. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It has also been suggested on the boards that any time you desire to call or contact OW, you call your W, and tell her how much you love her, and that you remain committed to recovery of your M!

Good advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

CAN I GET A AMEN TO THE POST ABOVE !!!!!!!WHEN THE DESIRE STRIKES TURN IT TO YOUR WIFE......YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED AT ALL THE RESULTS

Yes, I've started to phone her more often yesterday. Glad to say that she is delighted! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

After work she asked how I felt and I told her that I feel way better. My walk with God is getting better, thanks to all of you here! I don't have lustful thoughts anymore. I do get the occasional thought of the OW, but not in a sexual way. When that occurs I now turn my attention to my W's picture instead.

Just got off the phone with W and she had just come back from a meeting at work. Feels good and bad at the same time. She discussed privately with her dept head about the stresses she is going through from my A, her health and job security (her hospital is moving her dept to another hospital further away and her union can't do much due to recently introduced gov't laws which really are thinly disguised union busting tactics).

Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
What you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From that point on I felt that Satan was using me like a puppet to hurt both the OW and my W</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is EXACTLY what is going on, plus he is trying to drag you into the Pit with him!!! Don't let him get away with it! You have the power by the authority of Jesus Christ to stop it. Use that authority. Give this situation all to Him. He can and WILL heal your marriage! Do you and your wife read the Bible together? It is amazing the changes that take place when that happens. I saw a comment the other day from a man who returned to his wife after committing adultery - he said "I gave up gold for sawdust". I am glad you are staying for the gold. I am praying for you, your wife, and your marriage. And for the OW to be removed from your lives.

Update:
We've set up an appointment with a counselor for Aug 20th. She was wondering whether we should deal with my sex addiction or to work on our marriage. At the moment my addiction to porn has left me. I don't have any urges to view that junk now. I believe Jesus has humbled me in order to reach this state.

On a side note I've been noticing some strange goings-on in the house. Last year I noticed a burning smell in the basement tv room. Since my furnace was in the room next door I thoroughly inspected it but could not find the source. Since then I've never noticed the smell again. After my W and I came back together again and we slept in the same bed I woke up in the middle of the night to see a round warm colored light on the wall of the other side of the bedroom. I at first dismissed it as streetlight from outside but I looked at it again and it was much larger than usual, about the size of a volleyball. We had the venetian blinds closed and only a few small dots shine through. This light was motionless. I should have woken up my W but I didn't and when I looked up again it disappeared. I wasn't spooked at all. I told my wife about it in the morning and she thinks it was the street light. Well a day or so later my W and I were watching Entertainment Tonight in our basement tv room, my arm around her. The lights were on and I noticed a bright rectangular shaped light flash on the ceiling almost above me. For a moment I dismissed it as sunlight reflecting off of a passing car but I quickly realized that our basement tv room did not have windows! I surmised that it was impossible even for the light to bounce off of anything at the angle it shone at. I just sat there a bit stunned but again I didn't tell my wife until later. She now thinks that they're angels from God, considering the circumstances. Well, the next couple of nights that she had to work the evening shift I had my bedroom lights on while I slept. I was scared! Last night we were able to sleep together again and I was comforted in the fact. Well last night around 3:00am I was awoken to a loud thump on the headboard of our bed! My W was still asleep and I was wide awake! I looked around but didn't see anything unusual. I check my W's arm and her hand was close to the headboard, however that thump was quite pronounced and I'm certain she would have woken herself up while doing that. I know this whole thing sounds far fetched but its true.
My W's cousin is a member of a Taoist club in Hong Kong and when he visited us he mentioned about a presence in the house. I've never noticed anything unusual at all until now.

My request is, could you pray for the light of Jesus to shine in all the dark corners of my house so that it will drive out whatever is there? Thank you so much for your love!

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: VanDan ]</small>

Van Dan,

I don't do much replying on these boards (mostly reading) since I'm pretty new here and still learning but your "light" story really got my attention. I am not going to say that you are going crazy or anything but I do believe it all. I would like to believe that it is God's angels but I don't think they NEED to show themselves to us so we know they are there. We need to have the faith that they ARE there and always will be. IMHO, I think it's the devil trying to scare you off. He is NOT happy that you and your wife are working in your marriage. His only goal is to cause destruction. I know it's scary to see this type of stuff (I have seen plenty, even an uncle possesed) but if you see it again, just stop where you're at and PRAY! Ask the Lord to take the fear from you and TRUST him!

About a month after my husband left, the OW dumped him and said she wanted nothing to do with him. He was very depressed. He came out of the fog for a few days and then moved in with his mother. He talked to a lady from church and told her that he had just wanted to "try out" the world and go to parties and stuff. He had already done all of that and did not like ANY of it. He told her he just wanted to go back to church and his church friends. Two nights later (while sleeping in his mom's living room - at about 2am) he awoke to the feeling of someone watching him. He looked over to the couch and there was a black creature sitting at the top of it. He though his eyes were playing tricks on him so he just stared at it. At the same moment, this creature looked over at him and they just stared at each for a few seconds. This creature was ugly and slobbering all over. After a few seconds of staring, this creature flew into one of the pictures on the wall and the picture fell. My H was very scared and went into his mother's room. She said he looked very pale and couldn't even talk to her. She prayed and read bible verses to him. She then called our church pastor and he (along with another one) came over at 3am to sing and pray with him. They even anointed my husband.

The reason I tell you this is because I truly believe the devil felt he was losing this battle and had to come himself. Some people suggested that my H could have just been hallucinating but I don't believe that. The devil just wants to destroy us but we MUST stand firm.

I will be praying for you and your wife. Keep praying for your marrige and you WILL see that God is WONDERFUL!

Take Care!

H98

Thank you for believing me H98!
I didn't want to bring it up but I love all you people for supporting me!

I did suspect that it may have escalated to the devil when we reconciled. I feel so fresh and clean now that I don't know why the devil should even bother now. I certainly pray alot more now than I did before and with more vigor.

I've also posted the strange goings-on at theshadowlands.net message board for more insight from people more knowledgeable on the subject.
That burning smell I noticed a while ago was like firewood burning. It was quite strong and only in one location. I mentioned in the other website that I renovated my house back in '82 and I did remember that I had a wood burning stove/gas stove in the basement in the same location as my furnace. When I made that connection I thought of my deceased father. Strange, huh?

VanDan,

While it is true that enemy doesn't want your M to recover and he will do things to distract you, you need to keep something in mind. The focus should always be on God. Satan will do his sabre rattling to get both of you to pay attention to him and not your Saviour.

This includes what may or may not be any angelic presence you may be experiencing. If they are angels sent by God, even they would tell you not focus on them but to turn your focus to the Father. If they are from satanic origin, even more so; focus on you and your W being intimate with God.

As your spirit is more in tune God, you will better be able to discern what it is you are experiencing.

If it is from the enemy, as a child of God, you have authority over them, especially the two of you together.

Aside from that, it sounds as though you two are doing better. I know you have said your desire for porn has decreased and you no longer want it; it is/was an addiction and one you may fight for a long time. You will need to have some boundries set and they will have to be something your W will need to provide input on in order for her to feel comfortable. Make sure she has honest input and don't get defensive with what she needs to feel good about it. Does she feel safe enough to be able to do that?

I gotta go. Bless you.

S&C

You're absolutely right, S&C...stay focused on God instead of the other thing!

Yes, my W and I are getting along alot better now. I'm still being totally honest with her about my past whenever she wants to know and at any time. Yesterday as we were heading to the supermarket she asked my what my goals were. I told her in no specific order:
1- that we will grow old together
2- travel together
3- keep her happy (with EA of course!)
4- keep loving and honoring God

VanDan, I agree with S&L, focus on Jesus, pray in the Spirit and let the Lord heal your marriage.

S&L is right, if they are unclean spirits in your house, you have authority over them by the blood of Jesus. If you haven't ever read any of Dr. Neil Anderson's books, get one. I read "The Bondage Breaker" which had good info on what to pray, etc. when being oppressed by the enemy. Very interesting reading.

May the Lord bless you and your wife abundantly. I will say a prayer for you right now.

AW