my husband left 14 weeks ago and at first he was coming round, saying that we were not 'over', he seemed confused, he did not want a divorce. This has all changed.

He wouldn't tell me or our three grown up children where he was living. I finally followed him 21 days ago. Yes, I found him living with another woman and her 2 yr old son.

Three days before that he had been kissing me !. I'm standing and praying but I'm losing heart.My husband has consulted a solicitor and I have written back to say I think my husband is not well and possibly showing 100% symptoms of a midlife problem.

I was told that his words mean nothing, and it is his actions that mean more. Well going to a solicitor seeking advice on divorce is quite an action isn't it?

My friend said, it was more a REaction, to the fact that I had caught him in the act, and I took my children with me, as they said that they would not believe that their father could lie as much as he has unless they saw it with their own eyes.

What is going on? Why has he done this? How can he disappear for 21 days and have no contact with us? I have been told to completely ignore him, which I have done, and eventually he will get curious and try and contact one of us.

I am starting to think that he is so angry at being found out, that he will just disappear forever as the humiliation is too much to bear maybe?

He went to great lengths to cover up his double life. oh my God, I'm struggling. Is this early days for me? Does anyone know if it is normal for a man to walk away from a 20 yr marriage, and also not speak to his children or see his grand daughter without remorse?

I want to speak to him but I know it would be a mistake. I have been told that he knows that we love him so much, that he will be waiting for us to contact him. What does anyone else think please? I cannot ruin what I have tried to do in thes last three weeks, do you call it plan b?

Please help me. Where is God. thisso

Hi thisso,

Sorry to hear this. You should post this under
plan A/B. Yep, I think it's a good time to start
plan B. Write him the letter. You can get a lot of help with the letter under Plan A/B. If he's waiting for you to contact him, he will be quite surprised the way you contact him with plan B letter. I know this must have been devastating
for the children as well. Soo sad for them too.
But it's the best thing that they know and all
of his secrets are told so that everyone close in his life knows. Sometimes it will make him think more now that it's out in the open.
Sure he's humiliated and should be. Sometimes
the humiliation will be too much and he may rethink at what he is doing. He's tearing
a marriage and and family apart. Do you think
it would be appropriate for the children to write a letter to him and tell him how they feel also. What are the children saying after finding out???

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

hi ladysheep,

The letter has gone. I've not thought about a letter from the children. They are shocked at what their Dad has done.Our daughter feels that it is up to him to get in touch with her. She thinks that if he hasn't got the guts to do that, then it is surely saying something about him.

Also, other people have said that if we contact him, then he has never had to face repairing something that he has done wrong. I must say, that if ever my h and I fell out, it was always me that made up to him, even if he was wrong !

I don't like upset and I always gave in to him. So in a way it's no surprise that he will disappear off the face of the earth now that he has done the unimaginable. Where has he gone?To a dark place in his mind. I'm just wondering if he ever thinks about us.

Plan b is all about no contact isn't it? thisso

Thisso,

Read my sig line. I, too, have experienced a "vanishing H" from a long-time M (also M'd 20 yrs when he left).

My H is a conflict-avoider, tho, so I totally understand why he did it the way he did. One major diff is that my H was the one who always came back and apologized whenever we had a tiff.....not me!

As far as getting through this, what helped me the most was reading on this site all about Affairs, how they begin, their dynamics, how they end, etc. Please do yourself a favor, and spend some time reading ALL the Concepts linked above. They will explain everything clearly, and give you peace of mind that it's not YOU, but he's lost his mind!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In some ways, your H sounds like mine! His staying away is his way of assuaging his own sense of guilt. Believe me, they DO feel guilty (somewhere, deep down inside) for what they are doing. It's just that they made this choice, and (at least in my own case), I believe they don't know how to UNdo what they have done. My H admitted as much. We talked on the phone after he had been gone about 3 weeks.....I attempted to apologize for my part in the break-down in our M which led to his leaving. His words back to me were, "Believe me, LL, you'll never know HOW MUCH I'm already sorry for......." See, I believe he was already feeling the guilt for what he had done. As time has gone on (now 2+ yrs later), I believe he is trying to convince himself this is all OK.

I don't believe going to Plan B without having done a great Plan A is a very good idea. If you are in doubt, is there any way you can schedule a phone consultation with the Harleys? It is expensive, I know, but according to others who've done it, well worth the money even for just one session.

While I can't begin to imagine what is really going on in the mind of a WS, I will comment that from reading on this site all this time, it's obvious they aren't thinking right....again, it's all laid out in the Concepts section.

Finally, yes, it's very early for you. There's a lot of pain, and confusion right now. Please, take care of yourself. Please learn and read here. There's a LOT of great information for you, and a lot of support. This nuclear blast that has overtaken your life is going to take time to clear out. Nothing (good or bad) will happen overnight - even tho it feels like this already did. In his mind, believe me, your H was "planning" this, or involved in it long before it surfaced to smack you in the face. So, he's further along in the "process" than you are. But believe all of us, we've been there.... and have all learned the lessons we're tyring to help you with - THE HARD WAY!!!

God Bless you.

Hi thisso,

How are you and children doing? Hope your all hangin' on at one of the most difficult times
in your life. Did you look at plan B? Yep,
it looks like you H is walking in darkness right
now, but the Lord will try to draw him back.
Hope your husband submits to His call and drawing!! Praying for you.

((((((hugs of healing)))))),

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

thankyou to you all.ladysheep, the children and I are comforting each other. I wish God would appear in person. I'm sure I'm hearing him, sure he's giving me signs. I know God can make my h listen but the big question is, does God WANT him to listen? maybe he wants my h out of my life??

I know it was a callous and cowardly way my h went about it,but maybe God wants him away from me?? I'm getting more confused with every day that passes. What does God want and what is he telling me? Or am I just deluding myself? thisso

Hi thisso,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know God can make my h listen but the big question is, does God WANT him to listen? maybe he wants my h out of my life??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are some definate things I can tell you. Yes God can make your H listen, and He wants him to listen, but your H still has been given the freedom to make his choices. Sometines this is real hard for people to understand and accept. But please don't blame God for your H's choices. I can only imagine God wanting your H out of your life if he were abusing you or your kids. Aside from that, I'm quite sure God wants the two fo you to stay married; fully understanding what marrige is and why God designed it. Because when that is realized by both people in the marrige, the M becomes quite spectacular and fulfilling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I'm getting more confused with every day that passes. What does God want and what is he telling me?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also know that God wants a very personal and intimate relationship with you above ALL things. Funny, we tend to ignore our R with God and when we try life on our own, at best it's fair. But when we start to spend more time in our R with God, He is allowed to work in our lives. And miracles seem to take place and life starts to become more than we thought it could be.

I'd like to suggest a couple of books book called "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren and "A Sacred Romance" by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or am I just deluding myself?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, these are words from an enemy out to destroy your M.

Take heart thisso. God really deos know what He is doing. Trust Him enough to allow you to spend the time to get closer to Him and see the changes. Bless you.

S&C

Hi thisso,

You see God couldn't change your H's choice of doing what he has done. Just as well as it is H's choice to come home, just as it was the prodigals choice, but when he did the Father welcomed him with open arms. Just don't know when and if it will happen. I know God is drawing and prodding your H to come home, it's H's choice to listen to it. You know God is telling him everyday that he is doing wrong in the relationship he's in, but H can listen or suppress the truth in unrighteousness. It's his choice. I believe there is a time when God just takes His hand off the situation after a time with wayward, and God will just work on restoring and healing you, if H makes the wrong choice.

Do you want to keep your marriage together?? If you do, tell your husband, that's the most you can do. Tell him you love him, and are so hurt at what he is done, but still believe your marriage can be saved. Then hear his side. If he says "no" then you have to go on. Maybe someday he'll come out of the fog. Are you in Plan B right now??

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

dear ladysheep, yes, if plan b is no contact, then i'm in plan b.

the problem is, alhough i've sent a letter to my h lawyer stating that i think my h is in midlife crisis, and that although he has an ow, i still want to work this out, i for the first time am starting to get really angry.

my h has left me with everything to pay, and has just gone on holiday abroad with her and her 2 children, leaving me and his children with little or no money.

yes, i work, but everything is piling up.he wants me to divorce him on the grounds of his adultery. i said no. i can hold it up for 5 years here in the uk. i don't think he is in his right mind.

i have decided that now is the time to give him some debts to deal with. at the moment i am sorting everything out while he goes off to la la land with ow. sorry, i've had enough and i'm not going to lie down and take it anymore.

so it looks like i'm going to upset God here. i cannot keep turning the other cheek. i can't. i suppose God will ignore my requests now for restoration.i think maybe i should not fight these feelings of hatred for my h.

may as well hate him, loving him hasn't worked, and if God gives him choices like you say, and he makes the wrong ones,then loving him, turning the other cheek, standing etc. is just a waste of time. i may as well set my self up as a laughing stock.

everyone tells me i'm stupid, and that he has gone. he says he doesnt love me and doesnt want me to be his wife anymore, so what part of that don't i understand????

nobody is going to screw me into the ground after i've worked my butt off for 20 years.no way. sorry ladysheep thisso

Just because there is no contact, that does not mean you are in Plan B.

Read the links below in my signature line.

Also, I recommend you get “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley.

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

thisso,

I have been following this thread since it started. I am not experienced enough to give advice. I can say the folks that responded to you have been a great help to me. Especially Ladysheep and Chris-CA123.

I will give an opinion however. I believe your H is a good man who is vunlerable to an affair for whatever reason, be it MLC.

INHO he is acting irrationally but knows his action has caused you and your family tremendous pain. So much so that he wants to run away from his sin and believes a divorce is a proper punishment for himself and will absolve himself. But, he IS running away from the mess he has created for all of you including himself.

He is probably is aware of the difficulty that he is causing you financially which adds to his pain and guilt but may think relief from his own pain is more urgent than yours.

I have a friend who left his W of 30 years for a younger OW. He did so after his affair was dicovered by his BS. He told his BS that everything would be fixed once he got a divorce. Their separation was long and finally he got his divorce. His W always said she would take him back but her anger was so fierce that she drove him away everytime he attempted to come back. She has since found a very nice man, but it is clear she still has much love for her EX.

ExH is miserable as well. He misses his old life but was too proud as well as too afraid to beg his BS for forgiveness and a second chance. She, in fact IS still too bitter to welcome him back.

Please don't let this be you. Others here, much more so than I, can show you how and why to manage your hurt and anger, so that if your WH wants forgiveness and a second chance he can do it without you being viewed as a door mat, but someone who is strong enought to endure his sin with forgiveness and compassion. You can do this, keep your self respect and get it from WH too.

Please hate the act and the evil that influenced it and not the man himself. All of us have weaknesses, but not all of us would resort to adultery. My wife did however. I am just beginning to get over the anger and have started to pray for her soul, no matter what her decision. This has greatly reduced my own pain.

God Bless you and your family.

thankyou monty.VERY MUCH. a warm and caring reply and thankyou everyone else, it is a blessing indeed to know that there are people 'out there' who care. thisso xx

Hi thisso,

How are you doing? I'm thinking of you and children.
I know it's hard to not be angry, in fact it's
pretty normal. I just don't want the anger to
destroy you. No it's not fair he threw 20yrs of marriage away, and has caused you and children more pain than you'll ever know. I'd be angry too. Are you in counseling?
Ask God to help you forgive him, even if you
don't see H, talk to H, etc... Pray for him, if
anything, praying for him help you.

One thing that concerns me is, that if you put
off divorce for 5 more yrs., and he's already
financially in trouble, 5 yrs could cause more
financial trouble to effect you. Can you get a
legal separation? I would take him to court,
get all the Child support, alimony, whatever it
takes to help you keep a roof over you and children. It is his responsibility!! Make him
face the consequences, God would!!

(((hugs)))

Sent with Love, Ladysheep