It's been awhile since I've posted. I had to move back into my parents' house and I returned to work after a leave of absence. But for the past 2 weeks my H and I have been getting along wonderfully. No arguing, no yelling. I was feeling like things were looking up for our relationship to be restored. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Today, he told me he just doesn't want to be with me right now. That he wants to be with the OW. That my leaving him drove him to his A, and that he is going out with her, she is his girlfriend. But, he also told me that he doesn't want to divorce just yet. "If" it doesn't work out with them, then we can see about us. He told me he doesn't care that I am hurt. I hurt him, I "blew his mind" when I left him. He said he wishes he could "blow my mind" like that. I told him he has, and then some.

How can this man, that I thought I knew, turn out to be so cruel? How can he just throw away 14 years of love?

The reason I am here is because I am feeling like maybe it's not God's will to restore my marriage. Maybe God has something better for me, even though I don't see it now. But the way I feel about my H is that I would wait for him a lifetime if it means we'll be together. I love him more than I ever have before. This separation from him has opened my eyes to my own sins against him in our marriage. It has made me see how much I took him for granted, and how I made him feel insecure and worthless at times. Most importantly, it has made me realize just how deeply I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Only, for him, it pushed him away. For him, it made him want someone else. For him, it makes him hate me.

What I don't understand is why he won't let me go? If I am not what he wants, why does he call me to tell me he's thinking about me and misses and loves me? Why does he say little things that mean he wants to maybe reconcile? When I ask him why, he says because he loves me and he says there is possible hope for us later on, but not right now. Right now it's all about her. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Could it be that God doesn't want us to reconcile? I've heard people say that divorce isn't God's will. But what if it's God's will? What if God doesn't think that my H is the right one for me? My H and I have had a rocky M, to say the least. It was far from normal. He had an A early in our M. I dealt with physical abuse, verbal abuse, and drugs at one point. We overcame them all. We made it through those storms. But this....this is the worst we both have ever been through. And I believe he is still hurting and angry for me leaving him. He denies the A before I left. But he "asked her out" the very day I left him. So, that leaves me to believe that even if it wasn't a physical relationship, there was something there.

I have done everything I can (except Plan B) to win him back. I know I should do plan B, but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that, or if I ever will be. I know I will answer the phone when he calls. I don't have to worry about him showing up at my house, because I live with my parents, but we have a child and that means I will need to talk to him. He has even said that maybe we should only see each other or talk to each other when it comes to our S. But I'm not even sure he could do that.

We are still having a sexual relationship. No matter how much I tell myself I won't do it, I still do. I crave the closeness I feel to him when we are together that way. Then today he told me he does it for me. Like he's providing for me, taking care of my needs. I almost wonder if he's afraid that I will look for it somewhere else if he's not doing it. Before, he said he wanted to make love to me because he loves me, now it's just for my benefit.

Please pray for us. Please pray for me to be strong and patient. I am so afraid that I'm losing him to her. And I can't bear the pain of being rejected over and over. I don't know what I'd do if he ever told me it's over for good. I think I would lose it for sure then. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deeplyhurting:
<strong> That my leaving him drove him to his A, and that he is going out with her, she is his girlfriend. But, he also told me that he doesn't want to divorce just yet. "If" it doesn't work out with them, then we can see about us. He told me he doesn't care that I am hurt. I hurt him, I "blew his mind" when I left him. He said he wishes he could "blow my mind" like that. I told him he has, and then some.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since I am just beginning to learn the MB ways, the only advice that I can give is to put your post on GQ II or Plan A/Plan B. They have much more traffic and experienced people, who have helped me, to advise you. However, I will relate my opinion based on my own experience so far.

IMHO Your husband is a 'cake eater' and that's why he doesn't want the divorce. He knows he has you no matter what he does. He also seems to be using your walking out to make you believe that he is justified in punishing you by his affair. He may choose to believe it himself so he can live with what he is doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How can this man, that I thought I knew, turn out to be so cruel? How can he just throw away 14 years of love?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After reading the rest of your post, maybe you know him better than you are willing to admit to yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The reason I am here is because I am feeling like maybe it's not God's will to restore my marriage. Maybe God has something better for me, even though I don't see it now. But the way I feel about my H is that I would wait for him a lifetime if it means we'll be together. I love him more than I ever have before. This separation from him has opened my eyes to my own sins against him in our marriage. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah yes, I have been there myself. In fact MOST of the pain I felt was regret and sorrow for the things I did to hurt my marriage and that I could not go back and relive it a different way. I asked God in a confession, to show me mercy and forgive me my sins in hurting my marriage and my WW and to take my pain as an offering of my sincerity. It has helped greatly. I do feel forgiven and I can spend more time on the future than constantly reliving a past that I cannot change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>...it pushed him away. For him, it made him want someone else. For him, it makes him hate me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is running away from reality. For him it is easier to run to someone else than fix his problems with your marriage. It probably won't work for him. The problems are within him and he carries them no matter where he goes. He will doubtless pay for this in time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What I don't understand is why he won't let me go? If I am not what he wants, why does he call me to tell me he's thinking about me and misses and loves me? Why does he say little things that mean he wants to maybe reconcile? When I ask him why, he says because he loves me and he says there is possible hope for us later on, but not right now. Right now it's all about her. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WRONG - it's all about himself. As above, he is a cake eater and feels insecure about his future with OW and knows he can come back. You don't deserve to be kept in reserve for possible future use.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Could it be that God doesn't want us to reconcile? I've heard people say that divorce isn't God's will. But what if it's God's will? What if God doesn't think that my H is the right one for me?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is more probably God doesn't want you to reconcile YET. It seems you both have issues to work out. For you it is self esteem, self love, and forgiveness of yourself and WH. I am in Plan B. I have used the time as best I can to improve myself and self worth. I exercise, lost weight, enrolled in a photography class, taken more interest in my kids and other family members. I try to get out with friends As much as possible, try to meet new friends, have joined a prayer group, cleaned my house etc etc etc. QUIT chasing after my WW who is chasing after several OM.

Will WW notice? I think so but I definately feel a lot better about me and my future. Both my WW and I realize that I am moving on with my life and I can do it on my own if necessary. I am stronger and more appealing. WW favorite squeeze is an alcoholic. I get stronger while she gets weaker. You can too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have done everything I can (except Plan B) to win him back. I know I should do plan B, but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that, or if I ever will be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Others can advise you better, but I my case, Plan B has made me feel a lot better about ME. I am changing for the better. I don't need WW as she is now. When my self esteem was at it's lowest, I was willing to accept a hug and kiss from her and cling to that while she gave everything to OM. My WW is also isolated now from family and friends, she has nothing but OM now. Time will tell if this is enough for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>We are still having a sexual relationship. No matter how much I tell myself I won't do it, I still do. I crave the closeness I feel to him when we are together that way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H is counting on this dependance on him for your needs. It allows him to continue his A without consequence. It is you who is suffering the consequences.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Please pray for us. Please pray for me to be strong and patient.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust in the Lord

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:04 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>