My H and I have been in recovery for almost 2 years.Here lately I have been feeling the depression I felt after discovery.Nothing that I can think of has caused me to start feeling this way.I will be sitting doing something and all of a sudden I start thinking about the affair and I start crying like a baby all over again.I had gotten to the point where I was doing really well.Now all of a sudden I feel I am back to point A.I wake up every morning thinking about it and go to sleep everynight with it on my mind.I have to get past this or I am going to go nuts and ruin my marriage in the process.I feel I can't bring this up to H because after this long he gets irritated with me about it.We are supposed to be "moving forward with our lives."I made a promise to him to not throw it in his face like I had before.When I have mentioned something to the effect that I am having a hard time at the moment he always says something like....."it's over,there is nothing to worry about and you need to stop dwelling on it all the time."Of course that is easier for the betrayer to say...."let's move on from this."Maybe I shouldn't say easier....but I'm sure they want to leave it in the past a lot sooner.<P><BR>I think maybe this may stem from my expectations being too high about the reconciliation.He is different now than he was.A much colder person.I miss the affection and the closeness.This is a need of mine that is definitely not being met.I have discussed this with him but it does not seem to make a difference which hurts me even further.<P>I just wondered if anyone else has slipped back into a very bad depression after things had been going rather well.I have been on Paxil for quite some time now and it helped me a great deal.I swear I don't feel it's working anymore though.Just tonight I had one of my crying spells with the big tears running down my face and my heart aching.When does this ever end?You would think after 2 years the pain would have gotten much better but instead it just keeps coming back.Sorry if I have brought everyone down tonight.Just needed to talk.I actually tried talking to H tonight and he said I am overanalyzing everything.I read to much,dwell too much and think too much about how to make the marriage work.Excuse me but after almost losing each other i am doing everything I can.<P>I also have been looking into one of the marriage encounter weekends such as Retrovaille.It sounded like something we could really use.I told him about it today and asked if he was interested.He came out with a flat out....."no I'm not interested."I asked why and he said he did not want to sit around with other couples discussing eveyrone's problems.I told him thats not what it's about and he still was not interested.Then he wanted to know why I was pushing this so hard.This upset me so bad that I will not mention it again.But I can not figure out what his big aversion is to this.<P>Why am I depressed again??I think I just answered my own question.<BR>Thanks for listening.Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.<P>[This message has been edited by Swttmy (edited November 25, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Swttmy (edited November 25, 1999).]

Can anybody offer any advice?????<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

I know exactly what you are going through. My wife and I have been reconciled for a year and a half. Yet, I feel myself falling back into a rut of anger and depression. I sometimes ask myself, When will it end? or Will it ever end?. My wife has done and continues to do everything possible to keep our marriage alive. But like your husband, she gets tired of hearing about the past. Says I am overanalyzing, etc...I just want to be happy and be with my wife whom I love more than anything in the world. But it is hard when the person you love the most is the person who hurt you so bad.<P>All of the books/articles I have read say to focus on the present/future rather than the past. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of things. My wife tries hard at planning things for us so that we are happy in the present. <P>Everyone says time will heal the pain. Hopefully they are right.<BR>

Swttmy - I haven't had the opportunity to try the recovery thing yet, but I wanted to let you know i was reading.<P>I really think the depression comes in waves. Even for me. I had a terrible bout for about 3 weeks just recently.<P>But for you, it's gonna happen too. Pull up some of the old posts on recovery. You'll see that others in recovery have gone through the same thing. You've been working very hard, you're tired and you haven't been able to "give in" to your emotions very much.<P>Couple that with wanting things to be "fixed", dealing w/ life in general, trying to rebuild, insecurities...........you got the picture.<P>Take some time to be good to yourself. You deserve it. And know that, even during recovery, the ride still has bumps, sometimes big ones. Together you two can ride them out.<P>Hang in there.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Swttmy}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Thank you both for responding.I had just had hopes this depression thing would have gotten better by now.<P>I also wish that my husband would put forth more effort into fixing things.He would just rather "play it by ear" so to speak.Me....I'm an action person.If something is wrong I am going to do everything possible to fix it.I'm not just going to sit back and let things happen as they happen.<P>I guess I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do though.......<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

This may just be my situation, but when things started getting a little "cool" again between us, I began trying harder and wasn't getting desired results. That's when I snooped and found he was back into his chatting/thinking about meeting someone again. Therefore, back into depression again. They aren't capable to fully loving us when they are somewhere else in their head. <P>I'm afraid to post this because it might not apply to you and make things worse. But that's my situation. My H is ready to ask for counseling and go back to church with me.

Tammy,<BR>Hi!<BR>I am not familiar with your story, however you sound like me! We are well into recover...9 months, and I have bad bouts with depression as well. Here is what I have learned (BTW, I am on antidepressants as well-Remeron).<P>1. Nothing my husband does "pushes" me into depression. I have found it really correlates with PMS (no jokes, here..please!) But seriously, like the week before my period, I go into a major funk. Look at my old posts! Never fails. I feel like crying all the time...YUCKY!<P>2. ALCOHOL.....my psych told me that some people (like ME) cannot drink alcohol while they are on antidepressants. He said, in effect, it washes out the medication completly out of their body. This is me, FOR SURE! He said that ONE drink on occassion, like one time a week is OK, but yu you have one, or two a day, "You may as well not be taking the mediation AT ALL". I experimented around with this, and sure enough...if I have a few day span where I drink two drinks a day (even one a day) WHAM, right back to where I was.....well, not quite as bad, but pretty crappy.<P>So....like the other's above me sai, it is common to have bouts with depressio, but look at the time when it is occuring. You might be like me with the PMS, or alcohol thing. See if you see any correlations.<P>Other than that....tell your H about it. Try to do it in a non love-busting sort of way. Talk through your feeling and see if you have any unresolved issues.<BR>Good luck!<BR>Sally<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

Hi Tammy,<P>I hate to bring this us, but there seems to be a correlation between your present needs not being met and your depression. Maybe you feel like your slipping back to how things were before the time the affair started? <P>The sad thing is now we all know that ANYTHING is possable. For our mates to have been involved in the first place with an OP is mind shattering enough, but to never truely have the confidence that it won't or can't happen again is a very hard thing to live with, no matter how long you are in recovery. <P>I have been in recovery for only 5 months. My husband is working very hard to help me through and has changed in so many good ways, but he has stripped me of the "safe" feeling that I hoped a marriage would be about. I would have done "anything" to have worked out this marriage before his affair, yet I never had the chance. I feel completely helpless about what "could" happen in the future. I only hope, through education, (reading Harley's books and going to therapy) that I will be given the tools to make this marriage successful.<P>It never fails that I get depressed on my way home from work everyday. I call the bouts the 4:00 blues. I cry, feel sorry for myself and my family and can not meet my husband's eyes when finally encountering him. This has not gotten better in time so I do not offer any practical advise except to talk to your husband. Your feelings can not be put off. If you have concerns you need to address them or else the whole "love buster" thing will start up again. <P>You are very lucky to be in recovery. You are heading the right direction. Just take care of "yourself" and your needs. You deserve to be happy. Very happy.

Dear Swttmy:<BR>I feel bad for you that you have to have ever gone through any of this in the first place. I mean, we marry the person that we think is going to treat us with respect and love us and be with us until eternity...ok...now for reality...Unfortunetly, you want things to go back to the way they use to be with your husband way back when he was treating you great, loving you, showing you affection, attention...etc..all the great things that he should be, but, now, it's a whole different story. He is not the man that he was. You cannot change a person. You cannot make him act or feel something he does not. So, in tern, you feel frustrated and feel unloved. You feel as if he is not working with you and really doesn't want the marriage, although he may not be coming out and saying it. So, your frustration, lack of love from him, kicks in and then you go into the depression mode. I get the same way. I think that this is normal. But, at the same time, you have to realize why this is happenning and then accept the fact that it may never go back to the way it use to be. I am fighting that now in my marriage where my h had his affair. He is not the same person when I met him. I struggle everyday with the fact that he is not really trying or putting 110% into the marriage. Then I go through the same thing you do and the depression kicks in. But, I am getting better and a tiny bit stronger and wiser everyday. I am beginning to realize that I am a good person and don't deserve the treatment I am getting even though he was the one that had the affair. I think about why am I trying so hard to save this marriage and he's not really concerned about it. Now, I am coming to the point of trying to get myself together and think about me and my needs and wants. We ahve two small children and divorce is not an option right now ONLY because of the children. But, I can see divorce in my future with him and that is , unfortunetly, what I am getting myself together for, in case, he doesn't come around. I am building my life over again with him in the same house. I am moving forward with putting myself together again and being whole. When the time comes, could be in a year or years, when I know I am ready to be without him and know I can survive without falling apart and can take care of my childrne without depending on him, then that will be the time to say good-bye. You, my friend, cannot change him. You have offered him counseling, but, he doesn't want to participate. Your living on hopes and dreams and trying to change something that you may not be able to change. I will ask you...is this the way you want to spend your life with someone that is not treating you to your fullest expectations? Yes, you love him. I am not saying for you to leave him. Nor, am I saying for you to stay. I am meerily pointing out the things that you really should be caring about and that is you. What good is a marriage if YOU are not together and emotionally and mentally drained? You are the most important person not him. Find that world that is revolving around his actions, emotions, feelings towards you and wrap that around you and become and live towards accomplishing yourself as whole. Anotherwords, the world does not revolve around him...but, should around yourself...

Still very,very depressed.Nothing gets too much better.What is this life that I have grown to "settle"with????<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Swttmy -- I too can understand what you are saying about the depression coming back. My W and I are about 10 months into recovery, and for the most part are doing very well. There are still issues to deal wqith, and probably will be for quite a while, but we are doing very well.<P>One thing you mentioned, as did some of the others who have replied to you which struck a nerve for me was the lack of willingness to discuss anything about the affairs. . .<P>My W has made tremendous effort at opening up to me about her affairs and what led up to all our problems. The times when my depression seems to rear it's head is when she starts trying to "put it all in the past."<P>What I mean is that during recovery, we all go through periods where something reminds us of the infidelity. Sometimes we can attribute this "memory" to something around us, other times we can't. During these times, I need my W to be willing and able to talk with me. If she can't or won't, then things get worse.<P>I agree to a point, that once recovery is underway we should try to leave the past in the past. Sometimes though we need to be able to talk about it. Period.<P>It is also during these times, that I find myself turning to this forum much more. Sometimes I post, sometimes I respond to others. Sometimes I just read. I have well over 600 posts and replies by the way.<P>I know that I haven't given you any answers, but I wanted you know that I saw this thread, and that you are not alone.<P>God Bless

Hi Swttmy,<P> I understand completely.....for one thing your H is NOT meeting your needs.....this is happening to me. We are 7mos. into recovery my H wants to forget about it , can't really tell me how to fix things but something vague is "missing".....so I'm supposed to run around and guess and hope I get it right....meanwhile I feel starved for affection and attention. My solution ?.....I am calling Steve Harley today....I feel I cannot live in this environment of being worried this will happen again since I don't know how to fix it and where we really stand. My H is like yours, has dumped all this on me and now would just as soon "forget about it all" and move forward.....Good luck and think about counseling (with Steve) even if your H won't....I'll let you know what happens.....LU

Swttmy - Nobody has mentioned yet that antidepressants can lose their efficacy over time. You might need a higher dosage or a different drug. I was on Paxil for a long time and had to change to Serzone because the Paxil wasn't working as well any more. I'm not a big believer in drugs, but when it comes to situations like the ones all of us are in, I'm willing to try anything that helps!<BR>

Good topic for me today - thanks!<P>We are 16 months into recovery and here I am posting - proof that I'm feeling those old feelings again. My H is away all week and I don't miss him! His emails are lovey and mine aren't. He's on a business trip with a very young atractive woman from his firm. Someone he traveled with just a month ago. Just the two of them. Noone I should be concerned about. Not the OW. But when he left the first time, he was so proud of himself for telling me she was going along (didn't want me to find out from someone else) - feels that shows he's changed, can be honest. Fine! But I asked him to avoid drinking with her at dinner and etc. and he came home looped from the plane ride. when I asked how much wine, his answer: "However much they give you" He couldn't figure our why I was not giving him a warm welcome home. When he left for this trip, I asked him to please put a picture of me in his wallet - to show this woman, as he flipped thru pix of the kids. Did he? Well, I remided him just before he left, and he said, "How long is this going to go on?" (me not trusting him). Told me he didn't have a picture of me that he liked that was small enough for his wallet. I had one to give him, but he refused it. Then, angry, opened his suitcase to show me he had packed his favorite framed picture of me and said that was the last time he would prove to me he was trustworthy. Just before he left, we discovered that our 15 yr old son had joined a satanic "church", cheated on a test and falsified his report card. So I'm here mopping up the mess (most of which I feel he created in the first place) and he's belyaching about how hard it is to be in a foreign country and not understand what's going on. I have no sympathy! I was on Zoloft for 6 mons and just went off. Right now, what I'm feeling isn't exactly the depression I felt after discovery of his affair, but more the return of anger and the sense that most of our problems in the marriage were due to him! Appreciate the chance to vent.