Please pray for me. I don't know what to do. I thought I should go to plan b as my H. is going back and forth between me and ow, also ow is pregnant, probably 4 mon. now and I really don't think H. will leave her. He is living with her also. All the things he told he would never do he has done. My heart can't take anymore. I don't believe God wants us divorced but I am without any hope at this point. I can't seem to bring up anything without us arguing and me getting upset, yet when I think about never seeing him again I can't handle it. I can't seem to get away from the craziness of the situation. Cajeanie if you are here please help, I know you are going thru some of the same. I have no one to talk to about this, everyone thinks I should just give up on him and he will never change.

Day by Day,

Hello. Sorry to find you so down and hurting. Isn't this the most difficult challenge you have ever had to face?

I sometimes just want to give up, but I try just one more day.

I don't know if I can help, but I just want you to know that I am here and I have been looking for your posts. I also included you in my prayers on Wed. and will continue to do that.

I always come here most of the time any more and get such support from Lupolady and Steadfast and Committed on the Restoration of Marriages Prayer Group.

Are you doing much reading of other posts here at MB?

I find them all very helpful. Have you been in Plan A at all? I think it's good that your WH is talking to you and at least seeing you. I made a critical error when I first found out and moved away from our home and moved in with my D and SIL. I have been about 500 miles away from my WH and that's why he was able to keep the OWs pregnancy such a secret from me.

I didn't know until after the OC was born and a relative let it slip to my sister who lives away from here and she passed the information on. I had been Plan A'ing for about 6 months and it seemed to be going really well. I would send cards, and love letters and we would have phone conversations, and I thought we were making progress, but the whole time she was pregnant and he never said one word to me.

Now I don't know what to think. He has been living with OW and I was trying to wait out the A, thinking he would end it and be willing to committ to working on our M, and now this. I don't know where I stand anymore.

I have been having thoughts of moving back to where they are so I can do a better Plan A, or, I also wonder if I should just go to Plan B.

But I know that sometimes you need to go back and re-do your Plan A, before going to a Plan B. I am wondering if that isn't what I should do. I just sent my WH a letter this week and told him I knew about OC. He has been very distant, and hasn't called in a long time. It makes me very worried when he does this, but I have also learned that it could just be that things aren't so lovey-dovey as he would like me to believe. I often try to imagine how crazy it must be there now with a new baby at home and them missing her income. They need it just to get by, and he thought he was getting a career woman and would be out partying and having fun without any responsibilities - that's what he told me wanted

That's not what he has now. I wonder how he feels now or6 months when he is tired of listening to her nag all the time. Hmm?

I try to imagine how fat she must be right now and how he must just hate that. I sent him some very sexy pics of me after I have lost about 50 lbs. That must have just killed him to look at my pictures and then at her.

At least your WH is coming to your home and talking to you. I think that is a good sign, and I know it is hard for you to not LB because you are in so much pain, but oh how I wish I could just see my WH and have a chance to talk to him face to face once again. I would do everything recommended here at MB to try to win him back. You still have that chance. Is there any thing you can think of that you can do to start filling some of the EN's that OW has been filling?

Just think of this - do you know how "*****y" she must be right now with the hormones starting to kick in? How demanding? Maybe you can become a safe haven for him from that?

She must be losing her figure too, and soon, no more sex for your WH, are you looking good and being available to him?

Is this your origial home? Then he must love to come home to it? Do you offer to make his favorite dinner? It must be full of memories and that is probably why he likes to come there.

Sometimes we are so paralyzed with fear that we can't see the opportunity staring us in the face. I don't know if you have tried these things and maybe you have, and you probably can think of even better ones.

I know you are the only one who can decide when enough is enough and it is time to go to Plan B.

I know there are others on here with a lot more experience than me and they give very good advice. Post to some of them and ask and they will help if you keep asking.

It is hard to focus, but if you want this man, and it sounds like you do, then you need a plan and you need to follow it. I don't necessarily think you are ready to go to Plan B yet. Do you really want him, then sit down and figure out a Plan, even if it takes another 6 months, that's ok. It will take time and patience and you will need to be strong. It's hard, I know.

Can you tell me what you have done so far? What books have you read, or what your plan has been up to now?

Just want you to know I am here for you and if you want to just vent, that's ok too. I know it is hard to find friends and family that want to talk. I will listen.

God Bless you, Day by Day.

Cajeanie

thanks for responding C., I have tried to plan A but it gets very hard since this has been going on for 2 yrs now. This ow is the second ow, his first was a very intense sexual relationship with someone who live 800 miles away and so I think that fueled the fantasy even more. Then he met this one and she is here in town so he could see her all the time. I keep thinking I have to not see him, but when it comes down to it I can't go thru with it, my own addiction problem to him I guess. We get along fine when I don't bring anything up, but I do know he says he doesn't see any consistency in my actions and I guess that is true. I try not to lb but get jealous and upset with him and lash out. Not attractive I know. But you are right about the attractiveness issue. I have also lost weight since this has gome on and he is always commenting on how thin I am and I know he thinks I look good. The only problem with me is if he stays with her and goes thru childbirth with her and goes home with her and the baby that pretty much shows me he wants her and the baby tog. I don't know if I could take him back after that. Maybe that is my last boundary, so I figure I've got about 4 mos to go. I'm not sure of the due date and don't want to know either right now. Too much to think about. I'm sorry you are so far away from your H. It would be hard not to see him, last yr when my H. moved out we weren't in contact because he didn't want to be and he was really messed up with the first ow and it just killed me. I couldn't stand not seeing him or talking to him. Thanks for praying for me. I just bought a book about prayers for your husband, praying scriptures for him and it does help. I'll pray for you also, that you will have peace and comfort. DBD.

Day by Day,

I am sorry to hear that this has gone on for 2 years and two OW. It has been exactly one year for me, and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I admire your for hanging in there for so long.

Are any of your C still at home with you, and what are they telling you to do? Are they in contact with their Dad?

I know that it hurts you to think that your WH has chosen this Ow and Oc over you, but if he is still coming home to see you, then he hasn't made that choice - he's still fence sitting. How much of it do you think is just that he feels guilty and an obligation to be there for the OW.

Do you want to do a new Plan A without LB?
Could you make yourself the safe haven that he is going to need or are you emotionally past that point? I think you are the only one who knows the answer to that.

I recently read an analogy here on MB that said that WS's feel lost and are searching for their identity and instead of trying to find it by turning internally and looking into their current relationship (M), they turn outward and look for a new identity by attaching themselves to a new person and a new relationship to define who they are. Once they start to identify with the new relationship, we begin to see them change.

Of course, he doesn't want you to be nice right now, he will want to start fights. He needs to believe that he is making the right choice, but now by trying to Plan A, you are making him feel like he might have made the wrong one. But now with the OC, how does he get out of that?

To quote Cerri(MB), it's like they have painted themselves in a corner and they don't know how to get out, because either way they turn, there are consequences, so they make "no choice".

So, Cerri had me tell my WH that the OC does not change my desire to save our M. Have you been able to say this to your WH?

If he won't discuss it in person,
Have your tried writing things you want to say in a card?

I know how your family and friends must be right now. Wow! If you could hear my S talk about my WH! Someone on MB told me that family and friends see you hurting and they just want the hurt to end. They think that if you divorce the hurt will end and you can be happy again, the way it used to be. But, of course, that won't make things "all better" and it won't make you happy again. There isn't any magic pill, or action.

I thought about that for a long time. It has been like being alone in the middle of a desert for me, I'm the only one hanging on to the life left in this M. But I stand on God's word - not man's.

I will be going to Plan B in 2 weeks, although, it does seem a little ridiculous to send a Plan B letter when he is already living with OW and OC and isn't seeing me, but those who have experience on MB have been telling me that I should do it. I guess it is mostly for me and not him, and also, I am sending a copy to her, just in case she doesn't realize that I am still around.

It has been hard for me too, trying to Plan A. It is really difficult long distance. That's why I have been thinking about moving up there.

It's probably something I should have done months ago when I was trying to Plan A. I moved before I had found MB and I believed that it was over because my Wh said so.

It wasn't until after I had moved that he started calling and talking to me. I just can't make any sense out of these WH.

I have tried everything else, so now I am going to try Plan B and some "tough love." I want my M and I will do whatever I can, even if it doesn't feel right to me. I always try to go to God's word to find out if something is right, and I have been mistaking being a door mat for my Wh as being what God wants me to do.

I am finally beginning to understand that if I don't respect myself and my beliefs, that my WH isn't going to, either.

This action obviously hasn't been saving my M and it hasn't been saving my H or causing him to hear God's call to him for repentance and to obey him.

I am Plan B'ing and letting God do whatever work he has to do with my WH, and just concentrate on being the best I can be and keeping my eyes focused on God.

I am going to keep praying for my WH and let God work. What book of prayers did you buy? Is it "Power of a Praying Wife?" I have that one and use it daily.

I have been talking to Cerri over on the JFO forum. She is a MB counselor, but will answer your questions there. She is encouraging me to get into Plan B quickly, and I have been fighting with it, but have decided to listen to the advice of others more experienced than myself and will do it.

Why don't you try posting an email over there to her, if you haven't already.

I know there is nothing that will make any of this any easier for you. Wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. I miss that so much - just being held and feeling safe in my WH's arms.

I am praying that we will both find that again, and until then, we will look to our Father to hold us safe in His arms.

May God Bless you and your family,

Cajeanie

Thanks C., I will write more later, I am at my son's in wisconsin. It's a big Harley weekend here in Milwaukee so we are going downtown to see the bikes and dif. things going on. Without H. who could be with his real family if he hadn't screwed things up. Anyway Tues I'll be back so will get into detail later and maybe try Cerri too. a lot of people here have told me to go to plan B. but I don't know if it is right for my H. or the sit. yet. ttyl,DBD.

day by day: I am also in the same situation as you. My H has OW who is 6 weeks pregnant. What I don't hear a lot of people saying is that their WS says they are in love with the OP. Does your H say that? I have been praying for him to see the light. I will pray for your H also.

How do you handle knowing when your H is with OW? Tonight my H is going to be with her. I told him that I would rather know when he is, but am wondering if that is more difficult. How do you react to him when he comes home?

Cherri, I have seen your name here. Do you have any advice for me?

God love to all of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by day by day:
<strong>Thanks C., I will write more later, I am at my son's in wisconsin. It's a big Harley weekend here in Milwaukee so we are going downtown to see the bikes and dif. things going on. Without H. who could be with his real family if he hadn't screwed things up. Anyway Tues I'll be back so will get into detail later and maybe try Cerri too. a lot of people here have told me to go to plan B. but I don't know if it is right for my H. or the sit. yet. ttyl,DBD.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Asking Cerri is a great idea, she has helped me. I read and read and posted and got much advice. It was all helpful, but finally I did a session with Steven Harley and he helped me come up with a Plan B and how to adjust it to my particular situation. Cerri further helped me with other aspects of Plan B.

Your situation, like mine is complicated by other issues. Certainly the OW pregnancy is a big one.

I can't advise you on what to do, but I can tell you how I managed to get control over myself.

First - Soul searched and wondered what did I do in my marriage to drive my W into OM's arms. It was painful, but that was the source of most of my pain. I acknowledged to God that what I did was wrong. I prayed for his forgiveness and Divine Mercy. I know I was forgiven. I felt a great weight lifted from me.

Second - Although I do not nor will ever condon the adultery of my WW and OM, I prayed for God to help me forgive them for what they have done and the pain they have caused my family and I through their actions. I still don't accept what they are doing but I can forgive their weakness.

Third - I prayed for strength, courage and wisdom to accept God's will for myself and WW. It was hard at first because I didn't want to think about the possibility that God's will might not be for my WW and I to reunite.

Forth - I have done anything and everything I can do to improve myself and change my image of myself as a victim to a winner. Someone with self esteem, someone worthy of happiness and love.

I go to the gym, take walks, eat right, taking a non-credit college courses, call my friends instead of waiting for them to call me. Re-connect with my kids and other relatives, bought new cloths for the newer thinner me, cleaned my house like never before. Wash my car more. Go out with friends and family as much often, joined a prayer group, pray daily, etc, etc, etc. You get the idea

You can feel whole again and like a person worthy of love, with or without you WH. Then you will be prepared for what ever blessing God has in store for you.

My WW is still with other OM. I used to feel like a reject, but I don't anymore. If I can do it at 59 I know you can at 44. There are wonderful things in store for you if you avail yourself to them. I hope your WH comes home and appreciates the woman you are. In any case you don't deserve to suffer, nor does your God want you to.

God Bless You. You are in my prayers.

Monty, that is very insightful about not needing to suffer and that God doesn't want us to. Maybe that is the answer. Like you said maybe God doesn't intend for us to be together in the end. At this point, just 1 week into this whole thing, I still have faith that we are meant to be together. I have been searching myself a lot since H told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore (8/7/03) and especially since I found out about OW and OC to be.

There have been times throughout our M when I did't think that I was in love with my H. But things have always turned around and I could find that love again. I'm praying that he can do the same. I have found in this last month that I am more in love than ever with him! I want what is best for him. If that is me, terrific! If that is her, I guess I'll have to live with that. For now, I will use Plan A.

It is our children that I worry about most. And what about child and H? What will happen?Praying, praying, praying!

day by day, I'm praying for you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suebee:
[QB]
There have been times throughout our M when I did't think that I was in love with my H. But things have always turned around and I could find that love again.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that feeling. No marriage is great all the time. It does take faith an effort to bring that love back, but it's worth it. The same thing happened to me a few times in my marriage. I hope my W will feel that way too one day, while I still have faith.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
singleguy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by singleguy:
<strong>Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
singleguy</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you are right Singleguy. I sure have experienced a lot of absence over the last 6 mos. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WOW! Thanks for all the responses. Sometimes it is hard not to feel sorry for myself. Things just seem to go on forever. To Sue, my H. lives with the OW so it is very hard to let him go at the end of our time together. Knowing he is doing all the little intimate things, homey things with her. I can't stand it at times but I know we belong together. I have tried to make amends to my H. for the things I have done wrong and he does say he loves me. He is having a hard time now especially with the preg. I feel he doesn't want to babndon her and feels it would be wrong not to raise the child. I made him an album, scrapbooking, and gave it to him the other day, our children when they were young and us dating and stuff. It made him cry to look at it. He realizes how much he has hurt everyone even himself, but is still holding out against God. I am just trying to be patient and pray for him and our marriage. I did tell him if he is still with her and goes thru the birth with her I won't see him anymore, so I guess that willl be my plan b. So we have a few months to go, I figure she is due dec-jan sometime. Another great christmas! 3rd one now since the first A. started. thanks again for posting, it helps to hear other opinions. I'll be praying for you guys too, the weekends are always the loneliest, even if I do see him a little/. It's never enough, but I feel if we can still see each other and have fun together there is hope.

DBD, oh I am so sorry for the pain you are in! I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I don't know what that would be. I can say though that I will pray for you and your husband. Father, I pray and ask in the name of Jesus for Your divine intervention in this marriage. Father, I ask that You would give dbd's husband clarity of mind, order his steps and direct his paths. Lord, I pray for a stirring in his spirit, please take him back from the enemy! Lord, I lift dbd up to you and ask for Your peace that passes all understanding for her. Father she needs you so much right now. Please Lord give her a glimpse of what you are doing in their marriage. In all things I give You thanks Lord, and all Praise to You. IJN, AMEN

AW: please pray for me also. I am in the same situation as dbd and would appreciate it. I pray constantly that God will open my H eyes and allow him to see his true path, which I believe is with me and his children here.

dbd: I continue to pray for you, too. One question for you, does your H say he is in love with OW? Mine does. It's soooo heartbreaking.

AW, thank you for your prayer. I do need peace and do feel better at the moment. Sue- My H. doesn't say that to me, I know he does think he loves her and that is why the conflict, but he does say he loves me and I do believe he does. He is just very confused. When my H had his first affair he said all the usual babble and fog talk of not being happy and not loving me the right way etc. I know what you are going thru and yes it does hurt, I don't think that is something that will end, but don't stop believing he loves you. He does underneath it all, he is just taken over by evil. I really believe all this is caused by satan and he wants us to be defeated and give up. If you have never gone to rejoiceministries.org website I would suggest going there, they have an e-mail devotional they can send you, also books. They've helped me so much.

SueBee, I am glad to pray for you.

Heavenly Father, I lift up SueBee and her husband to you. Lord Your word promises us that what God has joined together let no man separate. Lord I stand on this promise for SueBee, and know that it is Your will for marriages to be restored. In Jesus' name I ask for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit on SueBee's husband, please convict him and cause him to see his sin. Father, I pray that SueBee's husband will come to You at the foot of the cross, broken, with a true Godly sorrow, ready to turn his life over to You. There is none before You Lord, You are almighty, the Lord of all. Thank You Lord that nothing is impossible with You. Please take SueBee under your wing and protect her. Father I ask that You give her Your great peace. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

That is a beautiful prayer. I agree with you in that prayer. God bless you!

SueBee: Would your H be open to checking out the Promise Keepers official site? There are great helps for men there, without being judgemental or overbearing. He is very torn right now and is battling guilt, shame, etc. The love of Jesus can set him free and restore your M. I am praying for you!

hurting Promise Keeper, yes, I think my H would be opposed to checking out the site. While he believes in Jesus, he doesn't really practice any religion. Don't know if he prays much. This is probably some of our problem. I was raised in a devout Catholic family, he in an Episcopalian family that didn't really practice. Early in our marriage, we went to an Episcopalian church and enjoyed it. Then we moved and didn't care for the church here. So I tried to raise our children in the Catholic faith. He only goes to church with us on Christmas and Easter.

I have since had some issues with the Catholic church, so I am searching for a new church. Went to a Methodist church on Sunday and felt that the pastor was speaking right to me. She was talking about how divorce ruins families and how we are a materialistic society. That we are all searching for something, and that can only be fulfilled if we come to God. The children enjoyed Sunday School, so we will give this a try.

God's love to all!

Suebee,
I will also stand in agreement with that prayer that alcoholic's wife posted. What was said in that prayer is so beautifully accurate. I also would accept everyone's prayers for God's chosen mate for me. That she would come quickly and that we would both know we were called to each other. Let us all stand on Hebrews 11:1.
God Bless Everyone
singleguy

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

singleguy, I will be praying for you that the Lord will lead you to that special someone. May He bless you abundantly,

AW