In June I found out my H was having an emotional affair with a girl at work. I am presently seein a christian counselor. H has always said that it wasn't that big of a deal. He was helping her out in her marriage and it went over the line. He did take her to eat and kissed her twice he said. He would call and call(enough to still remember her cell phone and home phone) She would beep him and he would call her back. My son even admitted once I found out that one weekend while I was outof town he came home to pick up the phone and hear OW on the phone at 12:30 at night. He still doesn't show any remorse or guilt. He just wants me to get over it. This sunday I used his truck and my dgt punched his phone and punched a button that showed her phone number.Said he doesn't know how it got there. Doesn't know that key function????<BR>This week I have had such anger and unbelief.<BR>I want so bad to believe. He has been off this week from work. But monday he will go back and she will be there. Everyday she is there. How do you just get over it. I pray and pray and try to think Godly thoughts. But the pain is so unbearable at times. THe pain comes in waves. It is so hard to believe anything he says. I have caught him in several lies since June. I am so tired of hurting. Will it ever end? Will the pain go away? Will I ever be happy again?

I'm so sorry. Just reading that brings back so many waves of pain. It has been since Nov. 6 1998 since I found out and I feel somewhat stronger but I still feel the pain. My H claimed his affair was just emotional too. I, like you, caught him in plenty of lies. I will be divorced soon and it hurts so bad. I wish for another chance or that I would have had the support of this board or others to help me. Now that I look back I wish that I would have demanded him to go to counseling with me. Your story is alot like mine. Cell phones and meetings for drinks or lunch. It hurts just the same whether emotional or physical. I do not believe that you can make it without some type of counseling for the both of you. He needs it. Ecspecially since he thinks it was no big "deal". Yes it was, he crossed the boundries of marriage and both of you need to know why. Without complete understanding and total commitment your marriage will be rocky and that pain you feel will never lessen. I hope and pray for you.

In my opinion, your husband is not telling the truth. <P>And this sure sounds like an affair to me, that is on going - even if there isn't sex involved. It is the worst kind, the emotional affair. It is the worst kind, because it is denied so much more easily - your husband justifying this affair, telling you to "get over it" (which is not what he means, he means "quit harrassing him about it....") And in my opinion it is the hardest to overcome (to get over).<P>Yes, you will not always be this unhappy. But the pain that you feel is probably the worst pain you have felt in your life, right? But you will get beyond the pain. Maybe you will have to learn to live with the pain for some period of time, but affairs after discovery - don't last. That is statistical.<P>What are your husband's emotional needs?

<B>Overcomer</B>:<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at Marriage Builders(MB) start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You sound like you should be sarting off in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<P>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>A few quotes from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> book are in order... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and...statements like... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Stay out of my private life", "I'm disappointed you don't trust me", "I can't remember", "We're just friends", and "I just need some time away to think things through" (pages 40-44 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ... will fill your life while he is in the affair! <P>The people here at Marriage Builders(MB) have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>But just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Will it ever end?... Mostly <B>you</B> can help...<BR>Will the pain go away?... Not right away... <BR>Will I ever be happy again?... Yes... (as a simple answer) <P><BR>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 26, 1999).]

Thank You for both of the replys. I did read that total seperation from the unfaithful spouse and his???friend is suppose to take place in order for healing to begin. How can this happen if #1 he doesn't feel it was that big of a deal #2 he continues to workwith her. Is is possible that it wasnt that big of a deal and I am making it a big deal out of it? Who really knows the truth. Oh yeah in Sept he had detailed billing turned OFF on his cell phone bill. Cute isn't it. What is he hiding.???

Hiding evidence.... <P>Because he KNOWS the truth. But he wants to live a lie. <P>DECIDE that he IS having an affair FIRST. Then decide what you want to do about it. Go to the links and get all the information you can.<P>There are LOTS of things you can do to "lure" him back where he belongs. You hang in there, your husband is STILL there, and you are certainly able to do more than you are doing, I'm sure. Go back and read basic concepts - and all the links that NSR suggests.<P>Start by DECIDING, and make absolutely sure you DO NOT LOVEBUST!!!!! Really, I think this is the most important piece of advice you can get.<BR>

Overcomer,<P>#1 he doesn't feel it was that big of a deal... If he really feels this way... approach him (without <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... like TNT suggests) with a very important rule of good marriages... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... let him know that you feel hurt by his actions implying dishonesty! And, let him know your opinion... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't "quote" the book to your H... like I'm doing... Work it into a good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! He will trip up after a while... then you will need some really open and frank discussions!<P>Jim

You speak of love bust. It is so hard becasue he has changed into a completley different person in the last 9mth-1yr. Maybe it is mid age crisis???? Even my sister said he is different. It is hard to love someone through this. I do pray & have victory but it is up/down/up/down. I feel like I am faking what I really feel.Faking like I am ok when inside I am dying. Is that what is suppose to happen.Fake it til you make it like "they say". Fake that I am happy so he can recover.So he can he can hecan. I guess I am to angry tonight to care about him anymore. What about ME!

Well, yeah - you put it pretty bluntly by saying the term "fake it", but sometimes, that is exactly what ya gotta do...... <P>and - I know what you mean, 'what about me'. <P>Why does it have to be "or"? Why can't it be "and"? <P>I mean, you don't lovebust, yeah - you fake it sometimes, but you also need to find ways to make your life feel like it is going forward while your marriage stands still (or so it seems.) <P>I think you should find some activies that help YOU take care of you, also. Very important. <P>But the most important thing you can do better, is hold back on the lovebusters.<P>TNT

It is impossible to judge another's situation, but for what it is worth, I believe my H had a brief affair that did not yet become sexual.<P>Who knows what motivates them to lie?<P>I hope that your situation is fixed in time so that it does not devastate your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Count me in the group of wives with husbands that are in the denial stage. Even when confronted with evidence he brushes it off like its all my fault I am so suspicious. <BR>So I'm really going to try to give up on the evidence and throw myself into the plan A. I know enough of what is going on to know it is wrong of him to give so much to her while holding so much back from me. But I can't change anything but myself right? I will try to start there. Lora