Let me first say this Arik and I have decided not to read each other's posts for the next couple of days. We both wanted a chance to be honest about what we are feeling without angering or hurting the other person. So please do not mention any thing to me that he has said and vice versa. As I write this the tears just keep coming. I feel so abandoned right now. I feel no love from my husband and only the smallest amount of affection when he knows he will get something in return. He has been cruel and heartless in jokes that he tells me. One night when he had a bit too much to drink he said "I've just come to realize there's a lot of p*s*y"s out there to f*c*. He has suggested a threesome with he the OW and I. Today he asked me "what would you say if I told you I had sex with Kitt(a stripper he met on the last road trip-he and "the guys" went to the local strip club a lot in the 2 weeks that they were there)?" When he saw my face he immediately said it was a joke but I just don't know. I don't know him anymore, I don't trust him anymore and I don't feel any love from him anymore. He says he is torn apart and needs space to figure things out but can't get the space he needs because we can't afford for him to move out. I have been looking for a better paying job and so I told him tonight that once I got one he could leave if he wanted. The last thing I want is for him to go, but I don't want him to stay if he doesn't want to be here.<BR>I commited a bit of a LB this afternoon, I told him that being a single parent would be hard but I am practically one anyway, he is on the road so much and when he is at home he does't contribute much to the parenting of our children or the running of the household. I hate to say it but it is true. He does not help with any housework and makes dinner only on the nights that I work. I am the one who puts the kids to bed and gets them up and ready in the morning. I clean the kitchen after they have gone to bed, and when that is done I fold the laundry and put it away.<BR>I am so srry for going off like that I am just so sad inside right now that I don't know what to do. My kids need me to be strong my husband needs me to be unemotional and I just need to rest and feel loved. I have lost about 13 lbs in a month(great diet plan huh?) and I feel like a wreck.<BR>Sometimes I just wish he WOULD go away and then at least I could go on with my life and all this pain would slowly go away because there would't be him there causing it.<BR>I know at times that I have been less than easy to deal with through all this for him and I feel bad for adding to his pain so I just don't know what to do.<BR>I guess I just needed to blow off some steam and cry some tears.<BR>Thanks for listening. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{Patient Love/Nicole}}}}}}}}}}<P>My prayers are with you and your kids... and Arik too!<P>Your life is very clearly a very difficult one... and I hope and pray for "enlightenment" of your H...<P>Know my thoughts are with you tonight...<P>Oh Lord... (like George Bailey)... keep an eye out for our dear friend Nicole.<P>Jim

Nicole,<P>I know you are a loving wife, and your lovebusters today were not characteristic. It was a withdrawal in your lovebank. It seems his time away is a withdrawal also. <P>Why doesn't he get a different job? It seems like this would help so much. <P>You must NOT lovebust no matter how hard it is, you are not helping your situation one bit.<P>Also, go to your prayer closet to pray. Remember the Power of a Praying wife? Well - you don't have to tell him what you are praying for. Let God do the work on him. I just know that God IS working on him. His conscience wouldn't be working overtime if God wasn't working on him. He tries so hard to push you away, because he thinks "you" are the one making him feel guilty - but instead it is God.<P>Trust God in ALL things right now. <P>I know it hurts. Scream it out to God. Take a drive or walk around the corner and just get with God and tell Him how you feel. You may feel foolish if the neighbors see you, but go ahead and do it. It will help.<BR>

I replied to your H post and I promise not to say a thing. First let me tell you the feeling that you are experiencing right now I felt too. I too, felt that I was technicallya single parent and that maybe I would be better off without him. Now that he is gone (since April), I feel even more pain. I never realized how much I loved him until he walked out. I have many regrets. But I will never regret trying to get him to come home. When he was home with us, I felt so torn because I knew I still loved him but I didn't know how I still could. Do you think maybe this is how you feel? Let me tell you, it has not been easier since he has left. The children and I are sometimes total wrecks. The girls are having alot of bad days and so am I. He seems to be enjoying himself though. I married for a lifetime. In good times and in bad. These are the bad. Real bad. Get to counseling, and fast. Both of you!!!!! If you try everything and it still fails at least you have nothing to regret. Make him go to counseling. Beg him to go if you have to. You both are worth it and so is your marriage. I'm sure all of the wonderful qualities that he had are still there, look for them. There was a reason you married him, find it again. Good Luck

Nicole,<BR>My heart goes out to you. Feel everything you need to feel, just consider what words and actions you take. Base your words and actions on your goals rather than your feelings. I know that's not easy. You probibly are much like a single parent with your H's career as it is. Of course you want and you deserve to feel love. Your remark that if you get a better paying job you will let him leave makes me want to cry. Please don't burden yourself with the financial. If he were ever to leave, let him figure that out. It's called tough love. You need to continue to do what is best for those kids.<P>I pray this is the worst of a horrible nightmare and the husband you know and love is back for good.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks for your responses:<P><BR>NSR thank-you so much for the prayers they are so appreciated. I need His strength right now because mine just isn't enough.<P>TNT again thanks for the prayers it takes all I've got and more not to LB. Sometimes the hurt is so bad. I can't wait until the book comes in at the book store so I can start reading it. It sounds relly good.<P>MENTAL I do realize that it would be much harder if he weren't here at all but sometimes I just feel like it is more trouble than it's worth to him and he is going to just end up resenting me and the kids for the life we kept him from. I know what you mean about marrying for a lifetime. I did, my husband was my first and on;y and that was how I intended it to be for life. If he leaves though I know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

Faith;<BR>Thank-you for the words of encouragement. I pray daily that he will come back and be the man I know he can be. I feel he is searching for the inner peace that he found when he first became a christian but he wants to leave God out of the equation. He just doesn't realize that it isn't possible without God.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Hugs to you, Nicole, and I can only say one thing…<P>There are bound to be setbacks in Arik's withdrawal… you have to be strong and ride them out. Lean on those here who can give you the spiritual help I cannot. Best of luck to you. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Nicole,<BR>If it is any comfort, I have seen more spiritual progress in my H the last few months than in years. It is like it is just kicking in.<P>My H has been a lifelong Christian (as I have)and although except for his affair (I know big except) he has been a man of integrity, but not what I would call a man that walks by faith. I see that changing and I believe that all we have experienced this year it what is changing him.<P>Hope your find this is true further down the road.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Oh, PL, I'm sorry. I pooped out and went to bed last night.<P>It is such a hard thing that you're trying to do. A lovebuster here and there is gonna happen. You're not the type to make them happen that often, so don't beat yourself up about it.<P>During his withdrawal, he will be cruel. It's a hard for him not to be as it is for you not to react.<P>In the beginning, the night that my H left, we sat up all night one night talking. At one point he told me that living w/ me had been the "pits of hell" and that he had wished way too many times that I had had an accident and died! He told his family even more horrible things about me. Even though he's not here, now that he's not in love w/ PT anymore, he says only nice things to everyone about me, and 90% of the time, he's nice TO me. I'm not even sure he's letting himself remember those horrible things.<P>This withdrawal is hard on BOTH of you. You have to be strong - and remember that we are here w/ you - everyday - all day and night. I don't know what I would've done w/out my friends here.<P>I know how bad it hurts, Nicole. Please try to be strong as long as you can.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Nicole,<P>Hope today is a better day for you. I know exactly how you feel - I am in your shoes now. But, once upon a time I was in Ariki's shoes, and can understand how he feels, too.<P>An important point to remeber is that BOTH of you are suffering right now. <P>I loved FHL's post - feel what you need to feel but act on your goals. Right now, both you and Arik are looking at and probably truthfully seeing the WORST in each other. Try to recognize this as a phase or period that Arik is in - Dr Pittman in "Private Lies" calls it TEMPORARY INSANITY - how true, how true!<P>It is SOOOOOOO hard to not react to the hurtful things he is dishing out to you right now. But, please try. He is confused, you are confused, he is hurt, you are hurt... it is a cyclical thing that keeps perpetuating. Try to be the one to break the cycle if you can. Try to focus on those children and yourself. Only Arik can find his own way. This is hard, because it puts you in the role of "observer". You really can't do more than be a compassionate and loving suppoerter, even at times he DOESN'T deserve it!! <P>We are here for you - come and place your hurt, disappointments and sorrows here and we will hold your hand and offer a kind word or two.....<P>Roll Me Away <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

my heart goes out to you i dont have any advice because i am in the same boat but you are in my prayers<P>------------------<BR><BR>MAY GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!

PL, I too am in the same boat as you are except my husband and I are separated and he is living w/ the OW. I have also lost a lot of weight since I discovered my H's affair on 6/18...more than 30 pounds! I know what it is like to not be able to eat or sleep for days, but you just have to keep going for your children. And, don't give up! My H and I are dangerously close to a divorce. I know that last night while I was w/ my family he was gathering financial information for the divorce papers. But, I refuse to give up! I wish I had more words of advice for you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I empathize with you. Take care!