I was reading Bill Hybels' book, "Too Busy Not to Pray" and I came across Chapter 14 which deals with Leadings. In the paragraph headed "Proceed with Caution" one of the bullets is "If a leading requires you to shatter family relationships or important friendships, question it." Then Bill follows it up with the sentence, "I'm not saying you should automatically reject such leadings unless they are also against Scripture, but reconsider them and treat them very carefully".
I'm confused by what Bill is trying to tell me here.

I know I'm supposed to test the leading against Scripture and Bill points out Proverbs 5:18-20:
"May you rejoice in the wife of your youth...May you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?"
Bill says, "A leading to be unfaithful to your spouse is never a leading from God."

I just can't seem to accept the fact that the desire to leave my wife for someone else is against God's will. My wife and I have reconciled but I still talk to the OW. I even loaned her some money to help her get out of a financial bind. According to this site I should be doing NC but I care so much for the OW, even moreso than my BW. I joined the Top Gun program through my church to help straighten out my life but this week I feel like I'm going to falter.

Please, I need your prayers right now. I also need the courage to bring this up in my Top Gun group.
Thank you my brothers and sisters!

Mr.Miew

Hi,
And thanks for being honest with us. You know, God's word is the truth.
Sometimes our feelings don't match. Sometimes the words seems contrary
to our feelings. That's ok. Our feelings as you know, come and go.
The truth is, God's word is an anchor. He cannot lie.

I don't want to preach to you today but I want to remind you of the scripture
that says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding".

That's tough when all your emotions are screaming "let's go THIS way", and you
know in your heart of hearts, the Lord by His word is telling you to not go there.

There is the conflict. Your flesh is conflicting with that part of you that has been renewed
in Christ.

Here is the answer. Go back to basics. Tell the Lord EXACTLY how you feel. (of course
He already knows) but tell Him, in prayer. Hold nothing back. Cry out from your very
soul. Tell him your fears, your desires, why you love this OW. Express your fears, and
your doubts. Get it all out to Him, hold nothing back.

After you have done that. Make a commitment to God that you will let Him have full control
of your emotions. Give Him permission to work in your heart.

Next, make a conscious decision to follow the truth of God's word, and not your feelings.
That means, no contact with OW. No allowing your mind to stay on past "glories". No
looking at old pixs, or playing old songs that remind you of "her". Set your heart to allow
God to give you love for you wife. Think through your every move. Your emotions have nothing
to do with this. For now, it will feel like you are going against your heart, and your own emotions, but you have to discipline your mind to NOT go "there". Only you know what "there" is for you.
Make conscious decisions in small baby steps, every day, to walk in "truth".

Start to see and recognize patterns. Do you think of the OW when you are lonely? Bored?
When you go to certain places? Play certain music? Find out what triggers and start to systematically remove them. Treat this as an addiction, because it is.

Next...... having done ALL things (and no cheating) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> then you can stand back and wait on the Lord to do the work.

Your feelings WILL follow your actions. This is a guarantee. You CAN change your mind. That's one
of the cool things about God and how He made us, he gave us the ability to reason. You can decide
to love your wife again, and God will help you.

Will it be easy? No way! Not on your life. It was a series of steps to walk away from that wife, (I bet she helped too!) and it will be a series of step back. Will it be worth it?? Of course! Would God lead you astray?

You do your part, and wait and see... in a shorter time than you realize, you'll be back on solid ground.

I am praying for you!

You can do it!

Blessings,
DZZZ

Mr Miew,

Listen to what diamonzz says. She is a smart gal, and she is right on biblically. You need to know that for every Godly thing that exists, satan will always present a counterfeit. Christ - anti christ: marriage - living together: truth - lying, etc. One of The Ten COMMANDMENTS says: Thou shall not commit ADULTERY. It's not a suggestion, but a command. God said He would punish sin where ever it is found. The end of the 6th chapter of Proverbs says that " any man who takes another man's wife is a fool and destroys his own soul, he will be severely punished for this sin ". She was created to be some man's wife, even if she isn't married now. You would be causing her to be committing adultery against her future husband. Jesus said " if you love Me then obey me ". Why would we even have the right to call Him our savior, if we didn't obey Him. I might sound a little harsh, but I want to make you think seriously about what you are doing. It is wrong, and in violation of God's word. Get on you knees, like Diamonzz said, and confess your sins, and God is quick to forgive. Jesus knows the temptation you are facing, and he can deliver you from it. Do the right thing.

God Bless
singleguy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just can't seem to accept the fact that the desire to leave my wife for someone else is against God's will. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what my H is saying to me. "How can something that feels so right, be so wrong?" I'll tell you how. Because it's based on dishonesty. That is Satan's way. It's never God's way. God is about love, reconciliation. Not about deceit. Satan tempts us to do things that "feel good". God wants us to do things that go against our human natures. He wants us to be more in line with Jesus. Trickery, hurting people, etc. is based on Satan's attempts to turn us away from God. Satan uses these "feelings" to get us to turn away from God. He knows that when we do things that "feel good" we are giving in to the powers of our flesh. Jesus asked us to put away our desires of the flesh and walk in a new spirit. Much different than walking in the flesh. When we walk in the spirit, we are honest, love unconditionally, and help others instead of helping ourselves. Doing something that will hurt someone else just to make ourselves "feel good" is selfish and cruel.

I hope that you continue to pray for guidance and I agree with everyone else. NC with the OW. Plain & simple. It must be done NOW.

The others have given you great advice so I don't have much to add. God will never lead you in the direction that goes against his Word. And, His word says he hates divorce (Malachi 2:14) and that we are not to commit adultery, and that adulterers don't inherit the kingdom of God.

I will pray for you, that God will soften your heart towards your wife, and that you will lose all interest in this OW. If you are still having questions in your mind please take some time to study His instruction book on marriage, the Bible.

God bless,

AW

Last night in my men's accountability group (started Oct.2nd) I was able to muster enough courage to tell them of my addiction to pornography. I've never shared this information with anyone at all. I've had the problem since I was 10 yrs old. I had a feeling that I was going to be the first one in the group to share this and I was. It was amazing to find out that I wasn't the only one. We prayed for each other and are thankful to God that we can be frank with each other. Next week I will share with them my urges to commit adultery.

No doubt the evil one comes like a roaring lion ready to devour us. I think this phase ties in with the fact that I've joined this program and the evil one is working on my weaknesses.

Last Monday night I was working on my wife's pc because the battery died and lost all of the CMOS settings. I went to my other pc to copy the dial-up information and next thing I knew I was starting to look at explicit pictures. I stopped myself as soon as the picture downloaded and turned off the pc. I knew I let my guard down and I knew I had to be accountable to my group. At that moment I felt prompted to turn on the tv. It was 11:00pm and I came across the tv movie "Sex, Lies and Obsession" staring Harry Hamlin. It was the story of a man who had a pornography problem and how it had affected his family. His eldest son had caught him having phone sex and started to hate him. At the end of the movie the husband and wife were able to reconcile and he was allowed to move back in. As the family retired for the night they said their goodnights and I love you to their two boys. The eldest son didn't respond at first because of his bitterness but replied back "I love you too, Dad". At that moment I broke down and cried my heart out. I knew that what I did in my past I hurt my wife deeply. I told my wife the next morning after picking her up from work and we both drove home teary-eyed and my voice cracking. I now know that God wanted me to watch that movie.

Despite this, my urges came onto me again and that is why I came here. I still struggle but I know that with the tools provided from the program that I'm on the right path in seeking His Kingdom and His righteousness.


Thank you all and God bless! I love you all!

Mr.Miew

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>

Mr.Miew,
Brother, I don't have time (at work right now) to really get into this, BUT, let me tell you you are on a very slippery slope.

There are many good men and women at this site and can offer a lot of insight from the Bible and their experiences. I have not found too many WS' (wayward spouses) in this forum...so...Just like you, I am the WS in my situ, and I had a problem with pornography.

God does not want you having and affair with this other women (physical or emotional). The devil does.
He makes it feel great so, we (you, I and other WS') say it must be what God wants.
WRONG!
The devil is not honest. He tells you, "Yeah you are really going to love sleeping with this other woman and you should. You are going to feel so much pleasure (mental as well as phyical). What's it going to hurt? God wants you to be happy. Right? Hey, you've just met your soulmate."
What the coniver doesn't tell you, while you are in this fog (all WS' are in one), "When your wife finds out, which she definitely will, because I (the devil) will make sure you slip up somehow, you are going to cause so much pain to her. Not only that, you are going to experience so much guilt, you might do something drastic...resulting in never being saved by God. Plus this momentary pleasure is going to result in possibly losing your wife (but we don't care about that right now do we?), your family, your friends, your house, your job, your community, your life???"
"But", the devil says to himself, "I'll only tell him about the pleasure, not the pain."

Read my postings in my signature (very long but hopefully very insightful) and see where this can lead.

In short, my W has filed for D and I am just waiting and praying for God to change her heart.

But, there is still time for you.

Father in Heaven. Help you beleagured son, Mr. Miew. Enlighten him to proper path to take as Satan tries to destroy another marriage with his false promises and his deceit. Show Your Mercy to Him as You work on his heart, soul, mind and body to reliquish him from his carnal desires.
Let Your Son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, gather him into his arms and protect for the onslaught of Satan's lies. Clear his mind of MISleadings being presented to him. Replace those sinful desires with Your Infinite Love and Peace.
We ask this in Jesus's Most Holy Name. Amen.

God be with you,
TTSMM (tryingTOsaveMYmarraige)

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: tryingTOsaveMYmarriage ]</small>

TTSMM,

What sound advice! I wish you could tell this to my WH. Listen to him, Mr. Miew. He knows what he's talking about. TTSMM, you always seem to know just what to say. Praise the Lord that he is working through you as someone who's been there & has faced the consequences of his actions. I'm sorry that you're in the situation you're in right now, but being saved is the most important thing. Now that that has happened for you, the rest will fall into place. I pray that the Lord works on your W's heart to restore your M. I'm glad to see that you have turned your life to the Lord. I promise, he will reward you for it someday. GBY!

Mr Miew,

Also know that God loves you unconditionally. All of heaven is cheering you on to make the right choice. That choice is in your hands. You have been given the power to overcome it. God has put it inside of you. I have talked about finishers and quitters before, but I will again. God says He will reward finishers who are true to His word. " And if you will endure, and don't quit, you will be given the crown of life. ". Really think about that. The commandments are to protect you, not to restrict you. Focus on couples who heve been married for thirty, forty, even fifty years. They are full of life. Then look at divorced people, they are usually lonely, and even miserable.
The bible says the pleasures of sin are sweet, but short. Ask God to restore the feelings you used to have for your wife. speak them out loud everyday. " I do love my wife, I do love my wife ". Start by being obedient, and God WILL begin to restore those feelings again. Trust me!!!

From a brother who loves you!!!! Remember there is only victory in Jesus.

God Bless
singleguy

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

My wife said to me that I was looking for a loophole to get out of this marriage and committed adultery to in order adher to Jesus' command. Now I'm wondering if I really did intent that?

I know that if I leave my wife God will be very upset with me. I've often thought about whether my faith will suffer from making that decision or will God and Jesus continue to love me despite my disobedienc? Should I separate from my wife in order to clear my head?

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife said to me that I was looking for a loophole to get out of this marriage and committed adultery to in order adher to Jesus' command. Now I'm wondering if I really did intent that?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Possibly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that if I leave my wife God will be very upset with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God will be disappointed in your choice and try to set up cuircumstances and situations to get you to return to her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've often thought about whether my faith will suffer from making that decision or will God and Jesus continue to love me despite my disobedienc?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your relationship with God will suffer and you will be turning your back to God's love. His love never changes. He will always love you and be there for you. Your choices will move you away from Him and make the road back hard and painful, because the enemy doesn't want you in a relationship with your heavenly Father.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I separate from my wife in order to clear my head?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, absolutely not. You need to keep your promises you made to her and love, honor and cherish her through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, forsking all others, forevermore. Does this sound remotley familiar?

I'm sorry if I sound very direct today. I have meetings to go to and need to leave as soon as I finish this.

Don't go by feelings, go by what is right according to God's word. He will honor it.

S&C

Mr. Miew,
PLEASE get your head out of the fog. you are taking the Bible and twisting the words to justify your feelings. Or shuld i say, the devil is pumping your brain with all these justifications for having an A and for looking for an easy way out. Believe me it is not easy. Been there and still there.

Have you ever felt God talk to you?
Have you ever seen any visions or miracles in your life that you knew were from God?

I don't know if you read any of my postings, but let me quickly share with you two recent incidents.

I was listening to the radio after praying my rosary on the way to work. Dr. Charles Stanley was on and his message was half way over. He was talking about combatting a Satanic attack. At the end, he said for us to pray for those who do not beleive in God or have God in their lives. I was driving up the turnpike and the car in front of me was going way slower than the speed limit. I turned on my signal to get into the middle lane and a van went flying past me. I changed lanes and got right behind the van. The license plate on the van was "MARIE". This is my wife's name; she is a non-believer.

Another time coming back from the gym I had seen many happy couples at teh gym and heard so many happy marraiges on the Christian station I listen to. I finally said, "God. I deserve to be happy like those couples. Please get this divorce over with quickly so I can move on in my life." Within five minutes, a white sports car passes me on the driver's side. It's license plate was "MAR1E" (yes that is a "1" not an "i").

Sorry, one more. A few days after I was reborn, I was lying in the sofa, where I now sleep, and I told God that I could not do this alone. I was laying my marriage at His feet. As I said this, a blue light blazed behind me from our gas fireplace. i got up to turn it off. The door to the controls was stuck. After I opened it, I turned off the gas. Funny, this is September; the knobs were all covered in cobwebs and dust; the fireplace was last used in March?, even the remote control had dust on it.

Point I an trying ot make is that you need to read God's word constantly and live it. you need to swallow and absorb and bring it forth in your actions, words, and thoughts. You need to pray constantly, keep God on your mind. Develope a "First Love" relationship with Him. You also need to STOP the porn. I will not type here and be a hypocrite. I still look at the late-nite movies on cable (occassionally) and then I feel so much guilt afterwards - BECAUSE I AM A CHILD OF GOD (as are you). But I think you are making excuses and justifications for your actions. GET OUT OF THAT FOG THAT THE CLEVEREST DECEIVER EVER - SATAN - HAS YOU IN.

God wants you to save your marraige. Don't think anything less. God wants you to save yourself. He wants you to join Him in heaven when your time here has passed. He wants you to love, honor and cherish your wife-----FOREVER.

You are in a good position. It sounds like she still loves you and is willing to work with you.

DON'T BLOW THIS CHANCE TO RECONCILE YOUR MARRAIGE TO YOUR WIFE and YOUR LIFE TO GOD.

God's Blessings and WISDOM be with you dear brother,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: tryingTOsaveMYmarriage ]</small>

Mr Miew,
You need to stop playing games with your marriage and your life. You already have consequences for what you have already done, how much more do you want. The pleasure of sin is sweet but short, the bible says. Why head down a dark alley. When you walk out of the will of God, satan has full access to you. He will rip your head off once he feels he has used you to destroy someone else. And everything you thought was so grand and alluring will actually develop a stench when the pleasure ends. Go find men who hve divorced their wives and are always messing with other women. They are far from God. They may look good on this earth, but the bible says " what good is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul. Your soul here is more than your heavenly inheritance, it's also your mind, will, and emotions. You literally destroy yourself. The bible says " have nothing to do with an adulterer, don't even eat lunch with them ". That ought to tell you what God thinks of them. Listen to these guys who are giving you Godly advice. Do the right thing!!!!

singleguy

I'm so torn right now between logic and emotions... I almost was going to see the OW after work today...

I can't understand why I can go cold turkey on internet porno and not this EA...

Just 2 weeks ago I memorized this verse...

1 Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has seized you, except what is common to man. And God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide you a way out so that you can stand up under it."

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>

Mr. Miew be strong. It IS an addiction and you have to treat it that way. It is every bit as deceptive as the porn addiction.

I read a post you posted to someone today about porn. I was proud of you. You are getting this.

Stay strong.

One thing that might help you right now is to read this MB site completely if you haven't already. There is a lot about infidelity. I like how the Harley's refer to the silly state of mind that you are in when you are actively in an affair.

He calls it a "fog". Good analogy because that's a great way to describe it.

Think about fog. You can't see clearly. You can't see what is ahead, and you can't see what is behind you.

Satan blinds you to the dangers ahead, and he blinds you to all that you are leaving behind.

EVERYTHING looks great on this side of sin Mr., but the reality is that nothing will hurt as much as it will if you mess up again.

The frustration you feel right now is nothing in comparison to blowing it again. The reason it will be harder this time is because now you know better.

You are in a battle right now every bit as much if you were in a real war.

Be careful.

James Dobson has a site online. I believe it's called Focus on the Family. If you do a search of old sermons you can listen to some great teachings on marriage. Right now you have to fill your mind with the word and positive teaching about marriage.

There was one my husband and I listened to on adultery. I am sorry I can't remember what the sermon was called, but I am sure if you do a search of old archives you can find it under the topic of "marriage".

Hang in there. The best is yet to come if you do it God's way.

I appreciate that you are being honest with us and keep coming back.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DZZZ

Mr. Miew,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't go by feelings, go by what is right according to God's word. He will honor it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ohh, I said that! It still holds true 3 hours later.

God will honor, obedience.

BTW - quote from your other thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you bored with me?. My wife has asked me this question twice this weekend.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a valid question. Are you? She is asking you what can she do to get you interested in her again. Help her out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I've mentioned in another posting I still have feelings for the OW. I want to be honest with her and discuss this with her but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any help would be appreciated. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure you still have feelings for the OW. You will have as long as you continue to see her.

You see, they are just that, feelings. Feelings change all the time. You had the feeling of love for your W at some time didn't you? So your feelings for OW will change as well. You have been mad at someone before haven't you? Are you still mad at them? Have you been happy before, how about sad. All feelings and all changing at one time or another. So what do you trust.

The kind of love you want in a marriage is the kind where you decide to love the other person. It is a choice when things aren't going well. But you know if you communicate well, the situation will change. If you and your W talk and speak lovingly to each other, even when you need to say something they won't recieve well. You choose to love during the "poor" times, during the "sickness" times, through the "worst' times and then when times are "richer", "healthy" and "better"; you can rest well knowing what the two of you have endured together and knowing that the love the two of you decided to bestow won't fail.

Mr. Miew, you need to never contact the OW again; except to write her a letter telling her that you love your W, you were wrong to hurt her the way you did and that you want to repair the damage you did. That your M is very important to you, you will not caontact her again and tell her not to contact you ever again. Let your W see the letter and send it to OW. And then, make a daily choice to protect the bride of your youth and never see OW again.

You have a choice. Do good or not.

S&C

Mr. Miew,
Last week God blessed me. I didn't even know it until I was driving home tonight. Every breath God gives me is a blessing; but this blessing last week was something real special. Do you know what that blessing was/is? It's you brother. God put you and I together for a reason. So that I can show you the path you are going down will and is lead(ing) to your ruin.
Sigleguy is right. Satan will tear your head off and throw you in the gutter after he's destroyed your marriage. He will have won by destroying two souls. Your wife's might still be saved, but yours.?.?.?
When I first had my A, a few weeks after it was finished I took about 12-15 tylenol. Of course nothing happened, I'm still here. But that day I was full of so much fear, lothing, and disgust. Then five years later, I was out of the house because my W filed a TRO. I went to see her to drop off some money (read the edditted suicide posting in my signature). I stared at a bottle of zoloft for 4 hours. Thank God, that with these attempts I did use my brain otherwise I would not be writing this right now. I would rotting in Hell, litteraly(sp).
If you send me an email, I will send you my phone number and we can talk. Or, you can send me your number in the email. Right now you need to turn off the emotions and turn onto God. And you don't need to go it alone.

Your brother in Christ,
TTSMM

Mr Miew,

Your verse holds true. You "ALMOST", but you didn't. God didn't say it wouldn't be a struggle, but that you COULD overcome it. Why don't you focus your energy on your beautiful and wonderful wife. Take all this "emotion" you have and pour it into her life. God will bless and reward that. Gary Smalley says onee of the first things we must do th restore a relationship is to honor our mate. Treat her like a priceless painting, protect it with your life. Don't just talk love, show her!!!!!!!

singleguy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> honor our mate. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey SG, I remember seeing those videos years ago.. Mr. you should try to get a hold of them, they are worth seeing..

SG? What were they called do you remember?
Gary Smalley ......

DZZZ