Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 584
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 584
I have added you to our Weekly Prayer Request List. Please join us in prayer and fasting as we all work, through God's Love, Grace and Mercy, to restore our marriages.

God be with you,
TTSMM

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,710
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,710
Thank you, TTSMM. Question -- have you heard of Restore Ministries? I found their website & joined the prayer group. I found the information very helpful. They do have a lot of different ideas then MB, but I like the fact they base their ideas on scripture.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 107
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 107
Update:

it was tense last night.

she looked at me funny as I came into the house. inquired as to why it took me so long to get home. she could tell by my mannerisms that I was hiding something from her. I admit to you here that I couldn't handle not talking to the OW.

we hardly had any dinner as we talked alot. both of us had only a couple of bites. talked about why the sudden change in me over the weekend.
she feels that i'm in deep temptation right now. I think she is right as I don't feel close to God like I used to deep down inside me. That disturbed me. I'm feeling very cold and distant and I don't like that. she felt that also and wondered why am I putting up a wall. talked about genuine love and went back into the past where I did show genuine love to her.

We talked about why she has more of it than me and she pointed out to me that because of my upbringing and being exposed to porno at an early age as well as being molested I did not have a good childhood. My mood swings and anti-social behaviour are a result of it. Thats why I don't have close friends, only have her friends because I didn't develop my social and communicative skills well. She recognizes my problems and wants to help me and work with me to overcome them.

she said that leaving this marriage would be a sign of running away from my problems. If I hooked up with someone else the problem will not go away and will still be there. She said don't you remember what the counselor said? I totally forgot the counselor's observations. she reminded me that there will be ups and downs while in recovery. She admits that she held back as she was afraid I'd try to dump her again. That made me think of what I did to the OW too.

She also pointed out that we're supposed to look towards the future and be positive. She noticed that I'm very pessimistic and always dwelt on the past. she reminded me that the counselor told her to forget the past and start over fresh. she pointed out that I wasn't doing it. And guilt. how am I going to deal with it? what about the person I'm "supposedly not seeing?" Sure there may not be guilt right now but after reality sets in both of us will feel it. Is that a good base on which to start a new life together? Got me there but I still chose to ignore it.

She hates it when I don't take responsibilities in running the house. She wants me to take some of the weight off of her. Sign of selfishness and immaturity. At this point I realized that I'd do the same to the next person in my life if I left. I couldn't handle any more of the conversation and hinted that I had some homework to do. She said that she'll have to tell her friends as she has no one to unload the burden I've put on her shoulders.

Left the dinner table still confused as to what I should do with my life. all we could do is pray for each other and me praying for help. also left open channel of communication with her. During my homework I thought of taking the OW to my office christmas dinner and dance next month and then booking a room.

She asked for a good night kiss and I gave her two small pecks. Then she asked if we could touch our feet in bed but I said no as that might lead to something more. She then questioned me why I would kiss her and yet not touch her. I could only say that a kiss was ok but nothing physical please. I left a pillow in between us as we sleep. I did not sleep well at first. Said my prayers for guidance and help. She woke up at 4:45am this morning as she had to go to work today. I got up to make her breakfast. At breakfast she prayed out loud for help for me and restoration of our marriage.

After she left I went back and reread your emails from yesterday. Then I looked at a picture of the OW for a bit and then turned off the pc. Went to bed for a short while and masturbated thinking of making love to the OW. Finally got up and dressed for work.

SOMETHING AWESOME HAPPENED TO ME THIS MORNING!

You're not going to believe this but as I parked the car and got to the parking lot elevator I suddenly felt a sudden great relief flow over me. The fog lifted and a wave of love and passion enter me and I felt my cold heart and hard feelings disappearing! I then felt my feelings for her returning! This was the miracle I was hoping and praying for from God! I now feel freed of the bondage to the OW! PRAISE GOD!!!

As for the OW I sent her the same message I wrote above. It hurt her but she now knows the reality that the devil is using her to tempt me and will now leave me alone as I will leave her alone too.

My sincerest apologies to everyone here for my succumbing to my desires despite enacting NC.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
Hello Mr. Miew,
Thank you for your PRAISE REPORT! Hold tight to God's Hand and do not let go! I am sending old posts from a WS Trueheart he made so much sense. Please read some of his old posts!
God Bless you!


Topic: Good morning all...
trueheart
Member
Member # 10878

posted July 16, 2001 08:29 AM

Good morning everyone...been gone for the weekend!! I have been reading posts this
morning...wow...pretty active weekend. I wanted to share with you, if you dont mind, a
letter that I posted for Orchid in Plan A/Plan B forum to WS, hoping to maybe help
someone...there are many more things I could have said, but felt I said too much anyway. I
was just trying to help maybe burn off some fog for some WS and to let them know they
are welcome and understood more than they know...I hope you all had a good weekend
and have an even better Monday!! Keep the faith...

Trueheart

Orchid...Sorry this took so long! I had a busy weekend, but you guys were all in my
thoughts and prayers!!! Here goes...I hope it helps someone out there that reads it...
Dear WS's everywhere,

Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that
your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in
your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that
you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past
weeks, months, or years.

I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances
surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important
things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help
you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long,
shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in.

The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and
unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our
darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have
put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or
physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more
than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it
all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they
want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our
imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong.
They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the
course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild
that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well. They know they have
made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that
they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in
these things. Can you? We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only
the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us
as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us
their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers
in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we
didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to
learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can
start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth
in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty. You took an oath, in your heart and
mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you
see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need
you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on.

I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the
OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your
spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted.
They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one
time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do
that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I
just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I
dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to
spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water. We
even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how
insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can
find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to
cheat and find a reason to say it is ok. What we should be doing is finding every reason for
our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to
make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know
what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they
are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!

The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain,
anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest
of the wide range of emotions of having an A. I know what is like to have that OP fill up
your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex
is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear
them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO
matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are
married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and
have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are
my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all.
We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so
blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this
OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we
don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy
to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that
knows us and truly loves us. You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are
very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together
elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right
things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the
point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving
them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and
emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't
right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the
foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to
destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right,
true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at
all. The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you
can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in
your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the
excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go
back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and
fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your
marriage, and your family. It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication
on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love
than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life.
You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you. The truth is
most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and
even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough
for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no
friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the
love of their life". I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow,
the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W
crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was. I now spend everyday,
more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would
know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way,
there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to
your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much
more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You
have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The
affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed
you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their
piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter. They know, from being here, what they
need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need
to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is
oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you
the love you deserve!! Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love
them?? By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt
the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their
love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the
crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the
other person in your life. You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful,
loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from
time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it
with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what
happened. It is part of the healing process. What you can expect is love, honesty, and the
rebuilding of your marriage. They know what it takes to make things work now. They also
know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is
going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand. They even know, that you
may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and
protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the
sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is
all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home
and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to
the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with
yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix
it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be
willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful
than anything you knew before.

I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I
am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life
was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found
them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the
same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who
understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write
me...trueheart42@hotmail.com. There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep
the faith!

*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*

Trueheart

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 107
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 107
I'm just so happy right now that I want to cry!

Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 584
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 584
Mr.Miew,
You are in that position right now. Your W still wants you. Get out of that fog and go back to your W.

With me, unfortunately, that letter is only partially true. I have been out of the fog for the last 5 years, and have been working on the M. My BS, doesn't care about me at all and has filed.

Am I feeling bitter? Yes!
Am I feeling angry? Yes!
Am I feeling jealousy? Yes, towards you WS' who have their spouse begging and hanging in there with you.
Am I still trying to save my marriage? Yes!


Run back to your W. Write out that NC letter and let her mail it for you. You should not be contacting the OW, by email, phone, face-to-face, or any other way to infomr them that you are not going to contact them anymore.

Ever watch those terrible soap operas or the variety of movies through the years where, one person tells the other they are breaking up? In one scene, one tells another, "It's over." They respond, "I understand", "One last kiss goodbye.", "Let's make love one last time for old time sake.", etc... In the next scene, what do we see? The two of them in bed, one with a smile on their face, the other, in deep guilt. The devil needs just one point of contact and start the whole mess going all over again.

By involving your spouse in the NC letter, you are recommitting yourself to her and the M. You have someone else who can hold you accountable; who can look you in the eyes and say, "You promised."
Without it, the OP can say to you, because they WILL contact you, "I know you didn't mean it was over between us.", "I just need to talk.", "I am having a hard time with my ex, what should I do?", or any of a thousand times a thousand excuses to GET YOU BACK.

I wish you all of God's Blessings, Brother.
TTSMM


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Overcomer4513), 140 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5