One wedding gift every couple should get is "motion sickness pills". I am amazed at how many ups and downs I go through on a daily basis.

Tonight, Saturday, my S decided to play games with me by not finishing his dinner. While my W was at work, the kids wanted to watch "Rugrats - All Grown Up", so I let them. But at every commercial, he had to go back to the table to eat. Well 2+ hours later, he still didn't finish. That's when my W came home.

Our S ran up to her. She says, "Funny, the children don't seem to be afraid of me." Then I listened to her for an hour+ extorting how I was a lier, and how I manipulate the truth, how my parents were demented, etc. The usual "stuff" she throws at me. The entire time I stood there and looked at her (trying no to stare). I prayed inside and asked the Holy Spirit for two main gifts during this round: patience and self-control. I also prayed that the Lord would bind Satan from her life, and give me back my wife. When she hit "touchy" buttons of mine, I remembered Jesus dying on the cross for me (and for her).

When she went off about mmy requesting a psych eval for both of us at the D hearing, she asked, "Do you want the kids to grow up in a foster home? If I am npt awarded the kids, you won't get them. The courts will not award you the kids because you are a sex addict." She said that her (my former thearpist) knows all about me and my illness; in fact maybe she'll call him as a psychological witness. That's one area where she blew it. According to the therapist, he can't be a witness for either side; his counselling us is private and can't be discussed in a court of law.

Earlier on in her monologue, she said she was going to get a letter from her lawyer that said she can legally start dating, since she has filed for a D and is in the legal process. She said I should go out and find some "playboy bunny" type of woman, who will have sex with me any way I want. Especially since: all I think women are are toys; I don't think women are people; I never thought she had a brain; since I hate women (I must because I am a lonely man); I did all the dispicable things I did to her in the M; and the list went on.

She did hit on a couple of qualities of mine as compliments: resourcefulness and determination (I think). She said that I (me) would survive and that I shouldn't be scared of her "financially ruining me"; she was only asking the courts for what she deserved. "The courts know all about your type." I have told my lawyer that you are a lier and that you mix a drop of truth in with your lies to make them sound real. Etc.....

Then she started talking about the kids and how she loved them and how she has tried to be a better mother than her mother was. How she is tyring to get past the scars her father left on her from "breaking a pencil" in front of her while he was trying to teach her math and she didn't get it. (Something that does affect her to this day - self-confidence). She hit on other "soft" topics for her self, and through out I kept SILENT. Mostly becaused I prayed for her and myself every time she pusheed a button; and partly because I had my I had my inserts in my mouth (whittening my teeth) so it is difficult to talk. [I hope it was because I a maturing and the Spirit is within me and because of my teeth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ].

Throughout the monologue she would ask me questions and I didn't answer her. About 45 minutes in I nodded my head, yes or no. Every time I wanted to walk a way, I asked the Holy Spirit for direction and He kept my feet planted (some figeting though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

She finally had nothing more to say. So I went down to the basement to get my bedding and when I came up she asked why our D's blanket was not in her room? I tried to answer but with the inserts, which she finally saw, I nodded my head. The unfortunate thing is she probably thinks that I didn't answer her at all during her monologue because I had that in my mouth and not because I am maturing. Oh well, that is for God to show her.

Thanks for letting me BMC, again (and again, and again, .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

God's Blessings,
TTSMM

rying,

It doesn't matter if your wife notices you are maturing, God sees. Your wife will notice in time. Right now she is so angry at you. I don't consider my husband a porn addict, but before he left he would watch porn movies and it really hurt me. He had gotten them before and had me watch them with him but he started watching them by himself. This really hurt me.

After he had left I ask him why he did this. He said , "I don't know, I guess it was like having an affair but, not really." I don't know if you have read the part of my story where I shared that I had hurt my husband about two years before he left. I still believe he is hurt. I thought I was in love with someone. Nothing happened between us, I never even discussed it with the man I was attracted to. He even started dating a friend of mine. I now know I didn't really care for this man I was just angry at my husband for the way I felt he had let me down. I guess he was getting me back. I have ask his forgiveness, but I am not sure if he forgives me.

I have now came to believe that even though H was mad at me about a lot of things going on in our marriage, the leaving me and filing for divorce was a way for him to get me back for hurting him. Watching the movies was to get me back some also. We both betrayed each other. It takes time to heal.

You wife is so mad at you that she is saying anything and everything to hurt you. You know revenge doesn't work in the long run and she will have to deal with what is really bothering her at some point. Your wife sounds like me when I was so mad at my husband. Then he left and I was devastated. I am so thankful this is all behind me now.
I am thankful God has did a work in me were I know I will never love anyone but my husband. Before all this happened I didn't believe in true love. I didn't even really know what love was.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I have been there. Pleas know that deep down inside your wife really doesn't mean these things. She is protecting herself she doesn't want to be hurt again. I don't know if you mentioned it before, but have you ask her to forgive you for the porn? Have you told her she was right to feel the way she does? Even if you have, each time she says things about it, agree with her. Let her know she is right to feel the way she does. No, it is not right for her to act and say the things she does, but God will deal with that part. Your part is to agree with her. Then the rest will work itself out. Even tell her you don't blame her for wanting a divorce. Tell her God has show you different and you know He is working on you. Saying nothing is considered agreeing but I believe her wife needs her feelings validated.

MT 5:25 "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court.

1CO 1:10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.

You are maturing keep it up,

gentle

gentle,
There is not much I can say, but thank you!

No, I don't believe I eever apologized for the porn.

As a woman, don't most of you keep a mental note of everything your people say or do to you?,particuarly your H? I mean, she kept hounding me that I was a sex addict, that after many months/years of it, I finally caved and said I was. I seriously don't think I am. I think a lot of it was very latent teenage rebellion, didn't have the opportunity when I was in my teens. BUT, nothing I say or do will ever convince her otherwise (that's God's part).

What I am saying is that, past experience has shown that if I validate her feelings right now, when she is arguing, how do I know she won't hold that against me later? I once told her I was a joiner. I don't even remember the context or situation I mentioned this is. Now she says I will be looking for the right answers the rest of my life; that's why I joined LifeSpring, my mens team, the Catholic church, etc. She says she doesn't need to join anything, "I know what I know, and that is fine for me."

Again, don't take this as resentment towards her. Thre is some, I am just venting, because it is better than fighting with her.

Thanks again,
TTSMM

gentle,
Can you give me the link at MB to the main part of your story. I would like to raed your situ. I am sure it will give me more hope.
God's Blessings,
TTSMM

Trying,

First, I haven't written my entire story in one post yet. I really need to get around to this. I will do a search of my old post here and try pull those together for now.

Yes, women do tend to keep track of everything you so or do to them. But, believe me when someone says, you are right to feel that way and I am sorry , it really does change things. Maybe not right away but it does. Saying something about being a joiner and saying you are sorry for something are two different things. Validating your wife's feelings doesn't say you agree with her actions. It is just saying I understand that what I did hurt you and I am sorry.

You must be Christ to her. She needs Christ. It must begin with you and you know this to be a truth. Yes, there may be times that before your wife is healed that she uses it against you. The important thing is that you are doing what God would have you do. God knows. If He is for you who can be against you? I know this is hard. I had a hard time telling my husband I was sorry for being such a bad wife. I had to ask his forgivness for many things. Some included things that may have not been all my fault. You can't get caught in the blame game. We had both done things wrong and the only part I can ask forgivness for is for what I did. God will deal with what my husband did. Me not asking for forgivness because he might use it against me, is not a reason to not admit for faults. This would hurt only me and my relationship with God.

I hope this makes sense. God made me look at it like this: Christ suffered a terrible death on a cross for my sins. He had not sinned or hurt anyone. He said Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Who was I to not ask for forgivness of the things I did to others? Who was to not forgive those that had hurt me, even if they were still hurting me? I learned that I had to pick up my cross and die to self.

Is her holding it against you really worth it? In time she will come to see how she has sinned against you. The best way for this to happen is for you to be the example and ask her forgivness for all the things you have done to her. There are proably more than you realize. I had to ask God to reveal to me how I hurt my husband, and boy did He. I had to go to my husband each time and tell him I was sorry for what I did to him.

Once, he said I wish you realized this sooner then maybe my heart wouldn't be so hard now. He said this as if it was too late. But time has shown it was not to late and slowly his heart has softened. It really hurt to know I had made my husband's heart hard. This is how things changed.
God would show me my sins I would ask His forgivness and then my husband's forgivness. Each time I would heal more and our relationship would heal. Forgivness is the key. Forgive and ask for forgivness. But I did no wrong...Jesus did no wrong.

be Christ to her,

gentle

trying,

One thing I forgot to mention. You said she kept on about you being addicted to sex until you finally said you were addicted. What matters is she thinks you are addicted. It hurt her deeply. It may not seem like much to you but believe me it hurts. It can hurt as much as an affair. You say her self confidence is low. Don't you think this could have even made her less confident of yourself as a wife and woman. This is not to say you are to blame for all the things wrong with your marriage or her. I am saying you have to look at what you did and work from there.

Let God deal with her.

gentle

Trying,

Just wondered how you are doing? I know it is tough over the holidays when there is strife between spouses. I have found that I like to help people here at this forum if I can, but sometimes the pain and hurt is too much to bear. Too much of the past comes to mind maybe. I just need to take a break once in a while. So I want you to know I don't mean to ignore you.

Yesterday there was a pastor from Maryland named John Cherry who had a sermon on the covenant of marriage. He said no matter what man or anything else said, that God said the covenant was forever. He quoted alot out of Malachi Chapter 2. He said the " wife of our youth " is the woman who bore our children. Get the tape to verify everything I said here. The phone number is 1 800 989 9384. The tape number I believe was FTD 305. The tape is available for $6 plus shipping. The whole series is also available as well. I think there are six tapes in all. He spoke to the men, and then he spoke to the women. he said " a virtuous woman " was one of moral character, and that a christian man had the responsibility to look on her as though she was married. Lots of valuble info.

I believe your wife has many issues, some from even before she met you. Gentle is right that you must be like Christ to her. Remember, she doesn't know what you know. You need to restore her trust, and her dream of a happy and faithful marriage. It will take time, but it will be worth it.

God Bless
singleguy

All,
I am not feeling depressed, much, but I want to use this post as a BMC, keeping my otehr postings CLEAN to praise and worship God.

This weekend the muffler went on the Jeep. She wakes me at 8:30 to tell me that she made an appt at 9:30 for me with the mechanic. Nice way tot start the morning. Anyway, the muffler is shot, plus hte tailpipe, and it is going to cost me $235. Problem is, they don't have the part, because of the dusting of snow we received (12 inches plus) and no deliveries are being made. So he removes the muffler and the tailpipe and tells me it will now sound like a racecar until Monday, when they can replcae the parts.

I get home and tell my W. She is upset because because now people, the neighbors, will look at her like she is some lowlife Hispanic (this is Satan talking). I told her not to look at it that way. The mechanic said, it will sound like a racecar; and who cares what the neighbors think? Wrong question. Where do you think this question lead to? "I don't care what the neighbors think, especially that one. Telling you, or whatever you tow hatched up, that I am a bad mother. etc....." Why does every talk lead to the A and all the "things" that spawned from it?

Then on Sunday, she was baking some cookies and was exhausted after all the work she put into them. (She is really is a good baker!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Then she says that she could have stopped at any time, but that she is stubborn and always has to see things through, even if... I filled in the blanks in my head..."even if I'm wrong", "even if it hurst others", etc. I took it that she would still follow throough with the D even if she had a change of heart, because of her pride. What I should think is that she will follow through with the M in spite of her pride.

Then yesterday, I went Christmas tree shopping, by myself <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , and foudn a nice tree: full but shorter than our usual. Her comment last night wasn't about the tree, but, "Why did you move the table?" "We moved it last year." "No we didn't. There you go again, lying. Why don't you just say that you wanted to move it, instead of making up stories?", etc.
I feel like I can't say a word to her. If I do, it can't include any reference to anything she has said or done or behaving, even if it is neutral,, which I thought this statement about the table was.

Lastly, she calls me today at work, to see if she can have some money. She runs down the list of what she needs and I asked her to pick up a hair brush for me. "No, why would I do that? I don't know what you would want. That is something very personal. Pick it up yourself." I didn't think of it as personal. That shows you waht an idiot I can be sometimes. Besides, I pick up female products for her, still, and I don't take it in any personal way. Well I do, but not negatively.

Thasnk for letting me bit&@.

btw,
I am feeling good. I have Him in my heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God's Blessings,
TTSMM

trying,

Your wife is trying to pick a fight with you over everything so she will not have to feel guilty about wanting the divorce. Satan is using all his tricks.

Just keep being Christ to her. Pray the full armour of God everyday.The battle is His. Don't let Satan steal anything else from you.

Keep loving,

gentle

ttsmm,
gentle is so right. I bet at times your wife is just like mine was, almost demon possessed she is so angry. But that anger is a choice. The sad part of it is is that when I was finally out of the picture, she was still mad, and had to find a new victim. Anger had taken root a long time ago and it just finally had to come out and I happened to be handy. It had nothing to do with what I really did or didn't do. I was just convenient. Most of it was about things that happened a long time before she met me. Anger is a powerful force and she will regret it someday. Too bad she doesn't see it now.

singleguy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by singleguy:
<strong> she is so angry. But that anger is a choice. The sad part of it is is that when I was finally out of the picture, she was still mad, and had to find a new victim. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, sg, I can relate to this. My WH is exactly this way, too!! Still sounds extremely angry every time I talk to him (which is verrry infrequently). I always think: "WHAT are you so angry about?!?! you've got exactly what you wanted......."

THEN I think to myself, "I hope you spew like this to the OTHER "PEOPLE" so close to your life......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> "Let them see how wonderful you can be.........."

Not a very Christ-like statement, I'll admit, BUUUT, it's all due to WH's selfish, sinful life right now, (and trying to live HIS WAY, not God's way) so WHY NOT let God open everybody's eyes to how miserable this whole situation they are in is?

Sorry, just had to join in..........Trying, your W is in a GREAT place now!! Joyce Meyer reminds anyone praying for someone that when they are being convicted of their sins, they will seem to get worse first!! This is b/c satan is losing his hold, and has to work extra hard in trying to make you give up the spiritual fight you are engaging in...........

Hang tough, brother. We're all hanging in with you, and praying with you, too!

gentle and singleguy,
I am always assured of receiving wisdom from you both (as well as many of our other brothers and sisters here). I know your words to be true, and I know the Lord's promises to be true, so I just do my best to keep patient and grow more Christlike every day.

It is difficult to talk with her, as I mentioned, because she will pick a fight, even when she is wrong. Should I just say, "You're right. I'm wrong"? With the insignificance of the table and the tree; what if I say she is right and later we find pics from last Christams showing I was right. Now she will start an arguement saying I was just yessing her.
Can't win.

But I am winning. I know it, and I must keep my eye on the prize.

His Will Be Done (hopefully she will be part of the prize).

God's Blessings,
TTSMM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is difficult to talk with her, as I mentioned, because she will pick a fight, even when she is wrong. Should I just say, "You're right. I'm wrong"? With the insignificance of the table and the tree; what if I say she is right and later we find pics from last Christams showing I was right. Now she will start an arguement saying I was just yessing her.
Can't win.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jesus told us, "Agree with your adversary quickly." This was so that we would not continue to create strife. Just a thought. Sometimes it can be very difficult to either keep quiet when we know something someone else said is wrong, or not give our opinion & try to prove they're wrong. I know I'm guilty of it way too many times.