I know with prayer, all things are possible. sometimes i forget though
and i let fear control me instead.

I ask for forgiveness for all my actions, direct and indirect, that have contributed
to my marriage struggles.

I ask for guidence to learn to be a better wife and partner. And for patience.

I ask for healing so my heart can learn to trust in our relationship again.

Hi,
Sometimes this board is a little slow in responding but I wanted to welcome you!

Blessing to you and I hope you feel comfortable to share here. Maybe you would like to tell us a little more about yourself and your struggles.

GB
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> DZZZ

Hi Finally,

Welcome to the board! Diamonzzz's right. This board is a little slow to respond, but that's probably because we're all busy reading our scripture, praying and fasting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Would love to see you as a regular chatting with us. We encourage one another, lift each other up, and lift each other's spouses up in prayer each day. This is a great group of people. You have not been led here by accident.

God bless and you'll be in my prayers.

Hi Finally,

Don't let DZZZ and SFM fool you. We are a David amoungst Goliaths here. We are slow to post our responses (sometimes), but we aren't slow to respond in prayer and standing in the gap for you.

Having said that... Welcome to the MB Prayer Forum. Yes we're kind of small, but growing. I actually think we'll start getting bigger soon, as prayer gets answered for people and they want to lift others up as well. Hope you feel lead to join us when we pray.

Blessing to you.

S&C

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

Hi Finally,

Yes, you have come to a good and Godly place. We aren't perfect now, but we soon will be. We all serve the same God and His Son Jesus. They are the focus of this thread and the foundation of our lives.
You will see our unique personalities display themselves as we go thru the trials we face, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful, but all of it is real. It's like a family here, and family is more than blood relation.

So please feel free to share as you feel led, and we will do our best to support you, and make you one of our own.

God Bless
singleguy

thank you for the warm welcomes. i have been reading thru the various posts threads here, they have been helpful. i am not able (probably more truthful to say, ready) to share too much right now. but I will keep you all in my prayers (something I am really just now learning how to do on a day by day basis) and I ask you to keep me in yours.

thanks.

Karen

Hi Karen,

Like the others here, I pray that you are able to find the strength within yourself to trust again.

My wife is in a similar position after my infidelity was revealed to her. I'm sure she would appreciate your prayers too.

One of the other members at my recovery group passed on something his wife's therapist had said. I do not know how true it is, I just pass it on in case it is of use.

One of the hardest things about trusting anyone after you have been betrayed is that you are afraid that your trust is undeserved. In effect you need to trust your own abilities in determining if someone is trustworthy or not. Perhaps the easiest thing to help is to turn to places where you *can* trust completely, be that your pets, or God, both of whom love you.

God Bless,
Richard

i guess i need to say some details here, not wanting to mis-lead anyone.

Richard, i am not in your wife's shoes, I am in yours. I cheated on my husband. although i can still relate to the concept of not being sure if you can trust your own decisions. is staying married the right choice or not?? is this about staying together for just the kids or are we really trying to build a strong bond between us as husband and wife because we love each other. are the changes in my husband real or just a figment of my imagination.

i am not saying this to excuse my behavior... my husband emotionally checked out of our marriage many many years ago. he had issues he did not how to resolve and he decided to just live seperate lives. for so long i tried and tried to get him to go to counsoling, go to something called retrovaille, read books, anything to help us figure out why our relationship was so bad. he would never admit there was any problem. it was so hard on me and my self-esteem was terrible, even our sex life suffered terribly, he would not want to be close to me very often and when we were, it was very impersonal. i didn't know what to do for myself eitehr. i had a bit of a break down in april of 2001, i was put on medical leave of absense from work and was put into a day program for mental health, put on medication. that was the lowest point in my life, from there i started to climb up, but what i decided while in that program was that this marriage was no good for me and that i needed to leave him. and then i did something i should not have done, i decided to symbolize this internal decision that the marriage was over by having an affair. this occured in july of 2001.

right after being with that person, i came home and told him i wanted a divorce. he then finally, realizing how much his life was about to change, decided to work on our marriage.

it has been a struggle ever since. i did not want to be married anymore but since he was finally willing to try, i felt trapped. but so much has happened since then, we have both grown and i have finally started to have feelings of wanting to be married to him, wanting to love him again. for a long time i had so much anger, angry that he abandon me for so long and was only finally willing to work on things because his life was going to be impacted, for so many years he did not care about the pain i was in after much praying i was able to let go of the anger. now i seem to be stuck on trust and fear. we make some progress, have some good days and then my fear takes over and i pull away, put the wall back up. i want to stop letting my fear control me and i want to consistently act in a loving way.

Finally,

I have to go to a meeting in a few minutes so this will be short.

I want you to know that you will get the same care, love and prayer as anyone else here on this forum. While you are not in Richard's shoes, you are in very similar situation as my W. You already seem to know your M can be healed. It will depend on how much you are willing to trust both God and the principles here at MB. I can tell you personally, that they do work. It isn't always easy, but your M can become better than you could ever have imagined.

I have to go. I am very encouraged with where you seem to be right now.

Bless you.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> guess i need to say some details here, not wanting to mis-lead anyone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad you feel safe enough to share your heart hon. There are some good people
here. As SG said, we are not perfect (in fact you'll be very suprised to know MANY
here can relate with you, all too well) but we are mostly all on this forum because we
want to do better. I like the saying "We do what we do till we know to do better".

By the name you chose it is obvious that you are trying to do better and you are coming to the right place. I don't mean this forum hon, although coming here was a start, I mean coming to God. Asking others for prayer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Richard, i am not in your wife's shoes, I am in yours. I cheated on my husband. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">((((((((((Learning))))))))) I for one know how hard that must be to type those words. You put yourself out there trusting us not to flame you. Tell you what?
How about we promise you WILL be told the truth here and you will be encouraged,but I hope that no one will make you feel rejected here. We ALL fail hon, and we all make mistakes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">although i can still relate to the concept of not being sure if you can trust your own decisions. is staying married the right choice or not?? is this about staying together for just the kids or are we really trying to build a strong bond between us as husband and wife because we love each other. are the changes in my husband real or just a figment of my imagination. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, let's get practical here. First off, have you read anything on this site? From the home page there are some really good articles on Infidelity. The reason they are helpful is because they explain some of the typical
thoughts and feelings that people go through that are considering a divorce. Especially when there has been an affair. There is a state that you are in that Marriage Builder's calls 'fog'. I really like that term. It's like you can't see clearly. Your ability to make decisions are affected. Nothing makes sense. You question everything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i am not saying this to excuse my behavior... my husband emotionally checked out of our marriage many many years ago. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, right here. Do you think you are still excusing your behavior some? Just an honest question...

This is important because if you are in denial about that still, it will be clouding your decisions.
If you justify your behavior at all, then you might be giving yourself a licence. Again, this is what they call "fog". Maybe think about that a little more and see what you come up with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he had issues he did not how to resolve </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">May I ask you if he is now willing to work on those issues? Is this maybe where much of your questioning is? Are you wondering if you can have a marriage if he is STILL not dealing with his "issues"?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and he decided to just live seperate lives. for so long i tried and tried to get him to go to counsoling, go to something called retrovaille, read books, anything to help us figure out why our relationship was so bad. he would never admit there was any problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you convinced he is willing to work on it now. Did the affair convince him that YES there is a problem? Or do you think he came to that conclusion before it even happened?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it was so hard on me and my self-esteem was terrible, even our sex life suffered terribly, he would not want to be close to me very often and when we were, it was very impersonal. i didn't know what to do for myself eitehr. i had a bit of a break down in april of 2001, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry. Sounds like you have been through the mill. (((((((Learning))))))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this marriage was no good for me and that i needed to leave him. and then i did something i should not have done, i decided to symbolize this internal decision that the marriage was over by having an affair. this occured in july of 2001. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is actually quite common. We convince ourselves that we are not REALLY married. Even though you were separated you are correct to admit you were still married. That's why you have remorse. You know you did wrong. You had
reasons why you felt pushed to do this, but not excuses.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i came home and told him i wanted a divorce. he then finally, realizing how much his life was about to change, decided to work on our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many times it's a wake up call like this that a person needs. Sounds like you had a change of heart too.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it has been a struggle ever since. i did not want to be married anymore but since he was finally willing to try, i felt trapped. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why specifially do you feel trapped? Can you explain that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
but so much has happened since then, we have both grown and i have finally started to have feelings of wanting to be married to him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is great! See, feelings CAN come back. The cool thing about the Marriage Builders site is there are a lot of articles and tools to help you begin to mutually meet each other's needs. You know, the reason you two fell in love in the first place is because you both meet needs in each other. Here is another practical bit of advice for you. Have you actually gone to the site and downloaded the emotional needs questionnaire? I would suggest you do that, together. This will help so much.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> wanting to love him again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the key right here. A willingness to WANT to love him. God can work with that and He WILL!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">for a long time i had so much anger, angry that he abandon me for so long and was only finally willing to work on things because his life was going to be impacted, for so many years he did not care about the pain i was in after much praying i was able to let go of the anger. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This will be a process. Forgiveness opens the door, but the process of it sometimes takes time. If you begin to meet each other's emotional needs, as well as avoid "love busters" (again read up on this and do the questionaire you will find on this site) you can begin to create an environment that will help you heal. Trust takes time to rebuild. On both sides.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">now i seem to be stuck on trust and fear. we make some progress, have some good days and then my fear takes over and i pull away, put the wall back up. i want to stop letting my fear control me and i want to consistently act in a loving way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alright this is where God comes in. The Bible says that "perfect love casts out all fear". That perfect love is God's love. He is the only one that can give you a perfect, unselfish love for your husband and vice versa. Practice trusting God with your emotions. When those fears come, realize that they are just that, EMOTION. You don't have to be ruled by them.

You know yourself in a day or so, maybe even an hour or so, it passes. This is why we can't trust our own emotions. ALL affairs begin in the mind first. That is where our thought process starts the process of going down that road. You have to begin to retrain your mind (asking God) to begin to think good thoughts toward your marriage and your future. It will take some discipline to do that but in time you will begin to train your mind (the Bible calls it renewing your mind)

Alright, I have one last question I need to ask you. About the OM (other man) that you had the affair with. Is it over? Totally. No contact? At all? Are you still thinking about him at all? The reason I ask is that if you are, it is quite normal. It is something you have to be honest about and MB can help you with that too.

There are no contact steps you must have firmly in place. This is very important. If you are still talking to this man, even by email, you are still in "fog". That was hard to ask you, but I feel I have to ask you that.

Please keep posting and I really hope that others chime in here. You and one other person are the only people I have ever posted to on this topic. But I felt strongly to welcome you and to let you know you will not be judged here.

Keep going.. one step at a time!

Blessings,
Dzzz

Finally,
I am glad to see another WS here at the prayer forum, as I am to. I mean that, it is good to see a WS realizing they need God in thier lives. I am not proud of being a WS, and I know God used this trial to bring me back to Him.
God has given me a passion now to share my experiences (the affair, Internet Chatting and pornography, being controlling in my marriage, afraid of being controlled in my marriage, and other things) to help others before they go down that same road. Or if they are on it, to quickly make that detour back to God.
When it comes to being a WS, I can soemtimes be harsh in my comments, but always loving in prayers for them. I know the decietful lies that Satan told me during the A and the ones I told myself afterwards, before becoming a child of God.
My W has filed for D. I am standing for my M and am not giving up hope that God will save it and my W. You are in a very good position. No filing has occured and your H wants to work on it. Get yourself out of any fog, as Dzzzz mentioned, and realize most of the doubt you are feeling is from Satan. If you haven't read "The Power of a Praying Wife", get it and read it. There is also "The Power of a Praying Husband". If your H wants to work on the M, get him that book.
In our weekly restoration posting, hopeful98 wrote an excerpt from "TPoaPW" that I think warrants repeating here:
Pg 17-19
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This oneness gives us a power that the enemy doesn’t like. That’s why he devises ways to weaken it. He gives us whatever we will fall for, whether is be low self-esteem, pride, the need to be right, miscommunication, or the bowing to our own selfish desires. He will tell you lies like, “Nothing will ever change.” “Your failures are irreparable.” “There’s no hope for reconciliation.” “You’d be happier with someone else.” He’ll tell you whatever you will believe, because he know if he can get you to believe it, there is no future for your marriage. If you believe enough lies, your heart will eventually be hardened against God’s truth.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You married your H for certain reasons. God knows those reasons too. Now that Satan has convinced you to stray, he is trying to convince you that because you strayed it must mean you were never meant to be married. DON'T BUY IT. It is part of the fog all WS' go through, even after the A is over. In fact some BS' go through it too. My W (BS) says well I never really loved you. I married you for the worng reasons, as did you, so it is best that we divorce.

Sorry for the long response, you are in my prayers, as well as everyone else's here. This is a loving ministry of men and women who are looking towards God for Love and Hope and Direction. They have a load full of Wisdom. There full of other things as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . And we all here to help eachother gain our ultimate prize when we leave this planet, our eternal glory with God in Heaven <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God's Blessings be upon you and your husband,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

My husband never found out about the affair. what made him wake up is the fact that i wanted a divorce, not because he discovered the affair.

Before all this happened, I did get and read The Power of a Praying Wife. I faithfully read a chapter each morning, while all was quiet. but i was also spinning downward at that time and my husband was not at all interested in working on anything. I asked him to read The Power of the Praying Husband. He refused. He believes in God, he says he prays everynight before going to bed. He did not feel he needed a book. I will pull out my book and get back to reading myself. Thanks for that thought.

Now to answer some of Dzzz's questions....

regarding the issues my husband had. yes, he was able to work them out. ironically one of the issues was that he really believed something occured between me and a co-worker about 12 yrs ago. he was totally wrong about that. it seemed crazy to me that months after i did start an affair, he tells me how he believed something happened between me and this co-worker. we talked about that co-worker. after asking me about it and listening to my responses, he was able to totally believe i was faithful back then. of course in my head, i was like "you are NUTS!!! you have been so distant and cold and refusing to work out our problems for 12 yrs!!! and you wait until right after i actually do start an affair to finally be ready to talk it all out!!!" it was the act of having an affair that changed me so much internally. and my husband saw it. he saw i was at the end of my rope and that he needed to finally jump in and do something if he didn't want me to walk out the door.

I am convinced that his issues are resolved in his head now. for a while i was fearful that something new would occur and he would not know how deal with it. because things happen in life, misunderstandings... i was afraid he would do the same thing, just let it get buried inside until it ate away at him again. but i really think we have much better communication skills now. and that he has more faith in us and more belief in me, that i would never do anything to hurt him (again, so very ironic, he starts to trust me right after i stray) but i do believe we know how to talk things out when they happen now, without letting time make the gap between us grow too big to ever cross.

i think there is more to respond to but i have to get going.

i am glad to have found this site. i have not looked at much at all yet, other than this board. but i totally intend to. i need to work hard at keeping my focus in the right place.

oh... you asked if the affair is completely and totally over. it has been a major struggle to get him out of the picture completely. i believe he became quite an addiction for me. he was a crutch and it has been hard to let go of it. we have said goodbye many times over the period of time we saw each other, but it never lasted much more than a month. and then once we were in touch again, we saw each other often. these past few months, the contact has been very rare and the few times we did get back together, we both unspokenly knew it could not continue.

i need prayers for that struggle. it has been about 9 days of totally no contact. i must admit, it has been hard. at a time when my husband wanted nothing to do with me, this man wanted me very much, and i felt so comfortable with him from day 1. even though i know it is all fantasy world, it has been very hard. i really want this to end. My prayers lately have contained a prayer to release this person from my mind and heart. i've never honestly wanted that to happen before now.

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Finally,
You WILL have to tell him about the A at some point. It always comes out. Better for you to let him know then for him to find out in an un-loving way: during an argument between the two of you, he bumps into this OM outside; the OM decides to track you down because he can't stand being away from you and calls your house while your H is there (of course the devil is the influence on this one); any number of things could occur that wil let your H know. Better to come from you.

From what you've posted so far, you do believe in God and you do want to make the M work. Satan has already thrown a monkey wrench, the A, and your H's former ambivilence to you, into the M. For you two, he wants nothing more than the M to disolve. Marriage, a strong Christian marriage, is a testament to God. Satan doesn't want that.

Also, by letting your H know, you can, together, write an NC letter (no contact0. This tells the OM that you are committed to your M and to your H. It explains in no uncertain terms that you will have NO CONTACT with him ever (phone, email, in-person, to answer questions) NONE!!! It also makes the OM know that your H knows and is behind saving your M as well. Lastly, it keeps you accountable...TO YOUR HUSBAND. The A has light shown upon it and an A can NOT live in the light; if flourishes in the darkness and in shadows and in secrecy.

My dear sister, you are still in the fog. Congratulations on the nine days. Make it permanent witht he NC letter and letting your H know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i need prayers for that struggle. it has been about 9 days of totally no contact. i must admit, it has been hard. at a time when my husband wanted nothing to do with me, this man wanted me very much, and i felt so comfortable with him from day 1.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a very passionate man. I enjoy kissing and cuddling, and PDA's (public displays of affection) as well as making love. A couple of years before the A, my W stopped kissing me because of my crooked teeth (I had them when we met so?) and because she said I did not know to kiss. The OW enjoyed my jokes; was going through a D; enjoyed my company; enjoyed my kissing; enjoyed my "dirty talk" in bed; etc. She was what I needed because I was not feeling "loved" by my W. What a big lie Satan told me. He said instead of working on your M, no matter how much it hurts, you deserve to have fun.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> even though i know it is all fantasy world, it has been very hard. i really want this to end. My prayers lately have contained a prayer to release this person from my mind and heart. i've never honestly wanted that to happen before now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is a fantasy. It is all smoke and mirrors. It's all an wonderfully devilsih illusion that we buy into. Do you and the OM argue? Probably not, or if you do, it's problably not to the intensity of those with your H. Does he do things romantically that your H doesn't? Problably so, or he does them with out you having to ask, like you might have to do with your H. Does he flrit with you like you and your H use to when you first met and were married?

You see all of things make us feel alive. They make us feel special. THEY ARE ALL FALSE.

In one of Hurley's books, "Surving an Affair", Dr. Hurley talks about a married couple, Sue and Jon (I think?). Sue leaves Jon for Greg. This happens after the A had gone for a while, and her H, Jon, finds out. Once Sue and Greg started living together, and the A was shown in the light of day, things changed. Sue and Greg had arguments. The fantasy was no longer and became a harsh reality. She didn't wake up seeing htis man, going off to work and wondering when ther next encounter would be. She went to work after his annoying habits (the bills, the laundry, he wants to watch something different on TV, or whatever), she witnessed the last few weeks and thought, oh boy, I have to put up with this. And Greg, he decided after he now had Sue; he didn't have to sneak around (that is part of the life and thrill of an A, the sneaking around),: he didn't want her. He wnated to find someone else he could "sneak" around with.

This is in my humble opinion (IMHO) and in my experience. I will not be a hypocrit and am probably opoening myself up here to much criticism, AND I still work with the OW. I have told my boss and HR that I do not want to placed on any projects with her, and I literally have no contact with her. My boss and HR said "No. Keep your personal life separate from your work life." So what I do is have no verbal contact with her. When she is in the room I ignore her and and she knows that I will have nothing to with her, even professionally. I know in my heart that I am NCing. Buit guess what my W still thinks I am having an A with her. I am working on finding a new job, and praying.

Any way, I went off on a tangent but I felt you needed to know that I'm not perfect either. None of us are.

I will pray for you and your H that God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit touch your heart and guide you into how to handle the NC letter and the revealing of the A to your H.

God's Blessings be upon you and your husband,
TTSMM

Well, on this point, we totally disagree. I will NOT tell my husband about this affair. I know him enough to know he would NEVER be able to deal with it. the guy just had suspicions about an affair that did not happen and look what happened to our relationship. telling him to clear my own concious would be wrong. i know it puts a secret between us, but that is my cross to bear, not his. i did talk to my pastor about this, i am methodist, he did not thinking admitting to the affair was a good idea either.

there is no way i would ever blurt it out during an arguement, he will not bump into the other man because he is not in our circle of friends, and the other man will not call my home, i don't even thinks he has it, only my work and cell number. nor do i fear he will contact me over and over. i have never had thoughts of having a long term relationship with the other man, he is 14yrs younger than i, i have kids. we have talked about all that extensively.

the part of being held accountable to my husband is the only valid thought for me. but again, i believe it is wrong of me to throw this at my husband in order for it to be easier for me to get over the urge to see the other man.

no good would come of him knowing, our marriage would take a huge hit, the kids would be impacted... i'm sorry if you all disagree, but at this point in time, i have no plans to tell my husband anything.

my plan is to get out of the fog (i know exactly what you mean by that) the other guy and i were always very upfront with each other. we saw this for exactly what it was, a physical affair, yes emotions came into the picture sometimes, but it always came back to the same stuff. we did not talk about getting together. if i had gone forward with the divorce, i would not have started anything more with the OM, my kids would not need me getting serious with someone else right away, I would NOT want to get involved with anyone, especially someone 14yrs younger than me

my plan is to focus everyday on being IN my marriage and on being a loving wife and mom.

i found this site and specifically this prayer board for strength in prayer

Finally,
Everyone of us has sinned here, you are not the exception. God says if we have broken one commandment, we have broken them all. It's the fact that we have fallen out of relationship with God, not the actual sin that marks us. Dzzz spoke a lot of wisdom to you. She truly, as we all do, cares about you and getting you thru this trial. I can tell you that if you stick it out with your husband, God will honor you for it. He will also bless your marriage if you will continue to seek restoration. If you will starve the other relationship, it will die. If you will feed your marriage, it will grow!!!!

God Bless
singleguy

PS: There is a link to a program that was on Focus on The Family that ttsmm listed the link. I feel that might help with the communication problems. Maybe ttsmm will relist it here.

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

thanks single guy and to all others for your prayers/thoughts and sharing your own perspectives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
If you will starve the other relationship, it will die. If you will feed your marriage, it will grow!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, that is EXACTLY what i am banking on here!!!

p.s. i did see the link in the other thread.

Hi Learning,

I am glad you came back. I did have a little hunch that maybe you were still struggling with OM.

You might be right that not telling your H about the affair is the right thing. No one can make that decision for you.

Ultimately you have to live with the decision you make, after carefully weighing out all the reprocusions.

I told you I was going to be honest with you and so I wouldn't be true to that, if I didn't at least give you my opinion on this.

You did tell us that he has harbored a feeling that you had an affair many years before with a coworker. He was so convinced that he distanced
himself from you because of it. I am wondering why he would think those things? What was happening in your lives at the time that contributed to his feelings about this?

You say now you think he has dealt with that and he is convinced that it never happened (which was the truth all along).

The problem with secret sins are that they have a habit of popping up when you least expect them. The bible says all that was done in secret will be some day be "shouted from the rooftop". Now I know that is referring that final day .... but I also think there is a principle there. Anything left in the dark, WILL grow.

IMO, you are like a boat still tied to the shore. You want to sail on with your husband and move on, but you are still tied (emotionally, and because of a secret sin you and OM share) to the shore.

You say you would hurt your husband by telling him. I am wondering what NOT telling him will do to him? Think about that. For one, the affair is not over (not really, you have still had contact as early as 9 days ago) and so really you are STILL in it. And, you are struggling to let it go. And this has gone on for a long time.

IF you did tell him it would force you to make the decision to live out in the open
and become accountable to him and to the marriage.

You want to come out of the fog but you have to be willing to do the steps it takes to do that. One of the steps "might" be (and again I stress this IS your decision --I hope and pray no one here gets heavy on you with that, it has to be YOUR decision and you have to believe in it -- otherwise we have all just guilted you into
it) to reveal it to your husband.

I would suggest you really pray about that decision, not to say you haven't, just
encouraging you to make that very clear in your mind.

Failing that, I absolutely believe you must tell SOMEONE, anyone, for some accountability.
You need people in your life that love you right where you are at, yet will help keep you accountable.

Do you have anyone like that?

Leaving that to you and the OM is as foolish as putting two drunks in a room full of alcohol
and asking each other to "help" them. They only thing they will help each other with, is getting
the caps off the bottles.

This is MAJOR "fog". And major deception. If you are serious about cutting off ties with your
OM, then you need to tell someone, (preferably you husband) then make up a no contact letter.
Block the man from you e-mail, change your telephone number, move, do WHATEVER it takes.
That is true repententance.

This can not be done half heartedly. You have to treat this like an addiction, like you have agreed it
is.

Anyway, hon, stay with me here. Keep posting. You don't have to agree with me, but I told you I
would give you the truth.

Blessings,
DZZZ

Finally,

I started to tell you about how my W kept her 1st and 2nd ONS (one night stand) a secret for 8 years before I found out. Then she kept her 3rd a secret for 2-3 years before I found out in 2001 (but it got too long).

She's was really good at hiding stuff from me, mainly because I wanted to believe the best of her. She still works with OM and even now she isn't totally honest with me. She thinks she is sparing my feelings. I have told her, if she isn't totally open with me I will always have thoughts of them trying to get back together. She felt like she had to walk on eggshells and not talk about OM because it would hurt me. I have on numerous occations told her that me not knowing hurts way more that the truth. Because with the truth, I know what I'm up against. With the deceitfulness, I fell like I'm up against my own mind (which can be far worse than reality), my W (the possibility of returning to the A), the OM (trying to take my W away still), and Satan (trying to make me believe God doesn't care about my M).

What I am trying to say here is once a BS believes an A has taken place, any perception of deceit only makes hurts us more and withdraws from our Love Bank.

I don't believe my W is still in the same relationship with OM. But anytime she withholds any information from me; it makes our recovery that much harder and drawn out.

You are the one that needs to decide and you are the one that will have to live with whatever choice you make. If you truely believe your H cannot handle the truth then I recommend that you search God's word and listen to Him alone regarding this issue. We can only tell you of our experiences and feelings under similar circumstances.

I hope I am making sense here. I'm tring to write this with no agenda or personal bias. I just want you to trust God and His direction here. He may very well be telling you not to tell; YET! But I truely believe your H will find out. And when he does, it's so much better coming from you (and sooner) than someone else (and later).

I will continue to pray for you and your family. Bless you and keep seeking God's intimate friendship. You have a very hard road to pave my sister.

S&C

Finally,
I mentioned earlier I might be harsh in my comments, but I will be truthful. And Dzzz put in better words than I. I just want you to understand I am the WS, so I feel God has put to me as part of my mission in life to use the 'E' in my SHAPE (read "The Purpose Driven Life" for details) E-Experiences, to bring men and women back to God and help save their marriages. The experiences I can share with you and others are:
- I had a an A
- The lies I told my W and others that I wasn't having an A
- Internet chat
- Internet porn
- Having no backbone in my M
- What happens when the H and W don't communicate
- Other things I can't think of right now...

My spiritual mentor told me once (I don't know if it is scripture) "That which I use to boast about is now my shame." I use to be download and save 100 xxx pics in a matter of minutes. I am not boasting; I feel ashamed by those actions and if my telling someone, no you in this particular case, warning someone to stay away from it, I will.

You are a child of God and I love you (and I am still going to be honest with you). I love that you have reached out for prayer and help and support.

Btw, 3 priests (one I met for a quick confession, the others from my church) all told me I should not have told her. My W's aunt and her H went on a religious retreat and during an exercise they had to right down secrets and feelings that they each were having. The priest/moderator told everyone afterwards that what they wrote would be handed to thier spouse. But he read then all first. When he read the one my uncle-in-law wrote, he ripped it up (he had wrote about numerous A's he was involved in).

You see if men of God, priests, pastors, etc. will/have given advice to quote-unqoute protect the M. But men are fallible, look at all the A's going on. But God is 100% accurate and on the mark. He wrote the book, and that is what we really should base our decisions on. Pray, pray, pray for God to show you the answers.

Still love you dear sister.
God's Blessings,
TTSMM

PS Here's the link sg was talking about.
Focus on the Family Broadcasts Archives

Finally,

You have heard from three of the best, people who care about you so much. So do I. Somewhere way back there in time, something drove you two apart. You need to find out what it was. Also the bible says " the truth shall set you free ". Free to be a person, to be a wife, mother, friend, and most importantly a child of God. I ask that you will do everything possible to develop the intimacy that God wants you and your husband to have. A marriage that you have not had yet!!! I do believe that God will open a door for you to tell your husband about the affair. You need to pray about it, and for it. When the God given time comes, your hubby will be able to handle it, because God will have prepared him. If satan can't keep the affair going, I can assure you he will expose it. This other man will have an affair with someone else who knows you and will see something, or find something, and... Plus God said he would expose sin whereever it is found. If it is confessed and repented of, it can't be found.

I was a husband who was cheated on. Finding out your spouse had an affair hurts, it hurts alot. But you will never become as one with your husband as the bible says you are to be if you don't eventually tell, because this secret sin will always bind you in some way and will steal joy from your life and marriage. And then when it comes out.....

God Bless
singleguy