ll,
Thanks. I think from a "Being a Child of God" standpoint, I'm doing fine. My relationship with Him is gorwing stronger every day; I "feel" bad/full of shame when I sin; I enjoy reading the Bible and surfing the weeb for Him; Worshipping Him through music and prayer (practically only listen to Christian radio now)...so I believe I am on the right track there.
As for dealing with my W ------ HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's why I post so much when it comes to "what should I do?", because ALL (most all) of my actions have come under fire.

Gotta run she just came in from work - VERY EARLY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Love in Christ,
ttsmm

How do we deal with our spouses? I find it difficult to keep my self together when he calls me. He calls me today to tell me that he has been sick for two weeks now. I already knew this but he didn't know that I did. I was very worried about him because I knew that he had to be very sick to stay home from work that long. Why couldn't he call and let me know how he was doing? I ask him that and he said there was nothing I could do anyway, that was not even my point. Why do some people seem to have no consideration for others feelings? I couldn't go see him because of where he lives. I started to though but didn't because it would have only caused trouble. I am trying hard to not divorce but sometimes I feel like it would be best. I'm sure that I'm like a lot of you here that look at the circumstances instead of looking at the situation from God's perspective. I read this in a book, it said something like this--God is not threatened by a woman, or any other sin in your husbands life. He has the power to deliver. He wants you to receive comfort from His word and put your total confidence in Him. It said the Lord says not to fear because he is on my side. He is mightier than any woman or anything else in my husbands life. A relationship based on lies will fall apart. God will dissolve that relationship to nothing. Anyway I just wanted to talk because most of the time you guys are the only people I have to talk to. Thanks

Cheryls,
not a prob. we are all here for the same reason: the have our marriages restored. and even though we know WE can't do that only HE can; we are also here to comfort each other and give godly counsel.

ll said something about a 180. prob w/me is that, as my W says, i'm never consistent, so what would be a 180 for me? like tonite for instance. came home and didn't say anything to her, except when i was making dinner for the kids, i asked how something should be cooked. in fact, when she leaves for work in the evening, i say goodbye even though she only says goodbye to the kids. tonite i didn't say goodbye. so am i going 180 or being inconsistent?

side note: i cancelled the flower subscriptionn. she never put the flowers, roses, in our d's room, she kept them in the original box and threw it in the trash. am i hurt? yes, and i forgive her.
Father, guide me with this latest experience; round off my rough edges to make me the man You intend me to be. Amen.

Love in Christ,
ttsmm

ttsmm

I've read most of your posts and I don't know how you deal with it. At least when I do see my husband he is nice to me. He always tells me that he loves me whether we are on the phone or somewhere together. So, I don't understand why he always p***es me off. I can't control my negative feelings towards him. It doesn't do any good but I can't help it. He says he loves me but I think to myself, if this is what he calls love then I don't need it. I don't know what to do.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

I am full of venom right now for my W. It has been a horrible day, and I took it out on the kids. A first for me: in the past when I have yelled at the kids, I apologized for yelling but told them the reason behind the chastisement was valid. This time the the reason was not valid and let my D know it, and I apoligized for it. So it was a bad there.

As for my bleeping W. She comes home from work and oges to our D's room and removes her stuffed animals with good reason (the lice came back). BUT, she did not do it nicely. Our D started crying and my W laced into her, screaming at her, calling names, a lier among other things. MY HAS NOOOOOOO COMPASSIONS and right now I really don't care much for her after this. She blames everybody else for either her troubles or if something can't be explained; i.e. the lice. She tells our D that it came back (1st case at Thanksgiving) because daddy took you to a movie theatre. That was over two and a half weeks ago. Of course she doesn't look at her taking them to childcare at the gym several times during the Christmas break, or Chuckie Cheese, or McDonalds Playplace. NOOOOOOO, she is NEVER the cause of anyone eles' bleeeping grief. It's all done to her.

Today I did the chapter on Her Motherhood in "TPOAPH". She needs more than my prayers, she NEEDS God. She doesn;t give a flying bleep about anyone's feelings except her own.

God can be all things for me, love, comfort, understanding, strength, etc. EXCEPT He can't fill the physical void I have. Sex yes, but more than that, holding, hugging, caressing, etc. I miss that, AND WITHOUT A MIRACLE FROM GOD, I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT AGAIN.

I was so close tonight to telling her to back off when she was screaming at our D. I even had thoughts about stepping between her and our D; even pushing her out of the way. But, I prayed for God to make me DO something, so all I did was hold my D and stare at my W with venom as she screamed at this frightened 7 year old girl.

I don't think my W knows anything about being a child. She treats them as adults; i.e. about my hurting mommy with my A, about these being "just stuffed animals", among other things she does to them.

I don't think I can take it any longer. I really think I want out of this marriage, OR GOD SHOW WHY I SHOULD STAY!

TO start with, it would very hypocritical of me to do this weeks restoration. Would another man please volunteer to step in this week. We are doing chapter 3 "Her Motherhood". Email me if anyone wnats to do it.

So Tell me ladies, after your H betrayed you, did you take it out on your kids?

bye,
trying..to understand it all.............

ttsmm
I don't know which is worse, your situation where there is always something going on or mine where there is complete silence every day. I know the silence sounds better to you but it's hard also to deal with.

We serve a God who deals with the impossible. This is where our hope lies. he only wants a heart that is willing to believe Him for the impossible. I think this is where we both fail. We keep looking at the circumstances, I am very guilty of this. When we do this we start to sink. Our circumstances seem to be very real , but they are only temporary. They only have the power to remain permanent if we allow them to do so through doubt and unbelief. We can't believe the lies of the devil.

I am telling you this and you are probably thinking, well it seems easier said than done. Believe me, I know how very hard it is, I don't think a day goes by that I don't cry. I can't seem to get out of this depression I have had for years, I think like you at times, what is the use, nothing is changing, everything is the same or is worse. I think that is a big part of the problem. We have to keep our faith even when we see nothing changing. Sometimes it just seems easier to quit. But then I remember that is exactly what satan wants us to do. Faith is the evidence of things which are not seen. Consistency will pay off. I know you feel like you can't take anymore, so do I, but Jesus in you can take it. I feel like a knife is being stuck in my heart everyday that my h lives with that ow. My heart hurts. But I love this man with all my heart and soul no matter what he has done and all I want is for him to come back home. We can believe Him when He tells us to trust Him and not be moved by what we see.

<small>[ January 03, 2004, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

I'd rather the silence.

I can't stand that she opens up and tells me about her day, and I am suppose to stand there and listen. But, as soon as I mention anything of what I am doing or how my day was, she walks away.

WELL F*** HEr.

I am sick of it. You don't want me anymore, find someone else to listen to your judgements about everybody that is NOT like you. I DON'T CARE TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

Losing faith in it ever being saved. You know why, because those on this site that have been saved both spouses had some faith, NOT one of having no faith, or having NEVER believed ever in their life. Also, still noone is in the same position as I, a WS who wants to save the M and has been out of the fog for over 4+ years, thought the M was being worked and was tricked into buying a house.

Giving up hope on the M,
ttsmm

trying,

I'm always so sad to "hear" about how terrible things seem to be going. You need to take it less personally. This is a spiritual battle between W and God. Recognize it for what it is. While she was standing there "railing" at D, you should have been praying God would protect that precious baby, that Mom's words wouldn't even sink in, that Jesus would deflect them OFF her, so they didn't hurt so much. Try that next time, 'k? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Did you go to church this morning? Last night? I hope so. You need to hear from God.

Next, did you just read Cheryls' last post to you? "FAITH IS EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN." You've got to get your eyes OFF the circumstance and ONTO Jesus.

Detach, (emotionally) detach. DON'T LISTEN to her telling you about how her day was......when she wants to tell you about it, kinda act UNinterested......

".....Hmmmm? Oh, yeah, let me just go take care of one little thing, I'll listen to your story later, dear...." DETACH. Make her have to seek YOU out.

You need to read Love Must Be Tough (James Dobson). He talks about this "dance." YOU PURSUE, She flees.

If YOU FLEE, SHE WILL PURSUE..........

You are hanging on, and she knows it. She knows she can treat you this way, and you will take it. Gotta stop that dance. It's called "Acting As If." This is a Michelle Weiner-Davis tactic. Acting AS IF YOU WERE Already Separated. DON'T let her suck you into her anger.

Trying, it's obvious this is draining your LB$ severely. If you ever hope to restore your M, you've GOT TO Detach. You can't continue to allow her to make withdrawals from your LB$. There's not much left.

Detach now.

God Bless, brother. We are praying for her (and you)

My situation looks totally hopeless also. My husband lives with the ow. He says he can't leave because he can't leave his child that they have together. I've tried to tell him that moving out of ow's house is not leaving the oc. But, he is pig headed. I have quit saying anything to him, what's the use. He has so many excuses that it makes me sick. But I will tell you this, when God gets ready to move him out of there no oc, or ow or anything else is going to keep my husband where he is right now. It's very, very hard to deal with, I have good days and bad days, seems lately more bad than good. My husband knows the Lord and look at what he continues to do, and yet he will look me right in my face and tell me he doesn't want a divorce and that he still loves me. I know it seems as though he has his cake and is eating it to, but that is not the way it is really. He says he has a lot of problems to work out with his situation and then we can work on our marriage. I can't even write here what I want to say to him when he does that. I've thought of divorcing him but I feel something in my heart that says no. So my decision is , do I go with my heart or with my head?

lupo,
too late. i told her i wishshe would get hit by a bus. i said this in front of the kids.

she started in by going to the basement, my area, because she wanted pics of a cake she had made. but, of course she didn't tell me that. she just said she wanted to know where the pics were. so i followed her to the basement and found them for her. then she asked me what i did with the pics of my mom in the casket? i told her i hid them. she said i was sick and said i made it up about someone else taking the pics. this escalated very quickly into an all-out argument with both screaming at each other in front of our c. our d was screaming for us to stop. when i tried (didn't try very hard) to walk away, she told our d, "see daddy's running away from the truth again." i lost it, and laced right back into her. she called me sick in front of the kids and i told her she was sick and called her some names, then she pretended that i was the bad guy, looking at me saying these things in front of the kids, meanwhile all the crap she told the kids when i was out of the house.
finally, i got my coat and left, cursing her, cursing God, cursing everyone.
God doesn't care about this m. yes, he cares about me, but my w is not saved, so as the bible says, if she wants to d, let her. problem is, i promised to be m'd to her, so even if we d, i will not re'm, unless she dies before me.

i'm now back in the house, in the basement, after i had a brief conversation with losthusband on my cell. who knows how long i have to stay down here, all night probably.

God, Why are you putting me through this? If You are going to save this marriage, show me a sign. Otherwise, please, I beseech You, get the divorce moving quickly.

sad thing is this coming Saturday, our d is having her first sacrament of reconciliation. great, this is when i thought God would touch my w. i don't even think my w will go to it. the only reason she is going to the communion is because of the party she will have for her afterwards. God is no where in her life.

LB = ZERO UNITS.

I GIVE UP.

trying

TTSMM and Cheryls,

I need to share something with you. I was BS in my M and I very much wanted our M to survive. I tried for 3 years to work on it, work things out, do MB, go to MB Weekend, pray, read, go to counseling--we even counseled with Steve Harley and met Mr. and Mrs. Harley on the MB Weekend. Nothing worked. I was a believer and willing to work on myself and admit my faults--my exH was not willing to work on himsefl or admit his faults. The M was doomed to fail because he had the free will to CHOOSE to not work on it.

HOWEVER, I truly believe that God can restore M's after an A, and that if both partners look to God and humble their hearts, there can be restoration. The problem for me came when my exH was too proud to look to God or humble his heart. His choice was to continue in sin rather than admit his follie.

At first I felt like and thought that God had abandoned me and my M. I worked and worked and it wasn't being "fixed." Well, God told me two things: First, *I* was trying to work and work and trying to fix things rather than leaving it in God's hands and giving it up to Him. Second, just because the M ends does not mean that God stops working in my life or my ex's life. Now that I have been divorced for a while, I can see God working in my exH--doing a good work, really--and I feel almost embarrassed that I stood in God's way for so long. If I had only gotten out of God's way!! Anyway, for me to really start to grow in God, and for my exH to really start to have God work in his life, our M had to end. Now my exH is alone (he has lost all of his OW), and it is beginning to dawn on him what he had and what he lost and what he did. I do not believe he would have been able to see that without actually losing it. Does that make sense??

Sooo...although it may seem to you today as if God has abandoned you and your M, and as if the world is going to end if your M ends, take it from someone who has been there--it doesn't. God works in HIS time, not ours, and HIS time is different. Give it God, and completely trust Him and rest in His ability to work when HE wants to (not when you want Him to). Have a little encouragement and faith, my friends. Your M may indeed end, but God's involvement with you and your ex will not.


CJ

faithful,
thanks, but, as i mentioned she doesn't in God; not she's lost touch with Him; she never believed in Him.

as for d'ing and then coming back, i don't see it. she wants sex right and has told me several times that she can hardly wait for d to go through so she can date a normal person again an dif they are right, have sex again.

remember, i am the one to who is the ws.

again, can someone on this site point me to another ws in a similar situation? hearing how the bs stood for their m and they believed God and He restored it just doesn't work for me anymore.

update: i'm down in the basement and she bangs on th door and screams to me to stop evesdropping on her phone calls. there's no line in the basement - paranoia is setting in.

God help me.

my situation is unique on this website. i need to find someone similar or i have lost all hope.

trying and crying

Faithfulwife,

You are so right about getting out of God's way.
I am living prove that it only takes one spouse working with God to save a marriage. There was NO hope and many told me just what you said, give up he will never come home he has free will. God made him willing. God showed me many times my marriage would be restored. My part was to allow God to change me and be obedient to what He told me to do through His word. If God sends you down a path, He will get you to the end. You say my husband would not work on the marriage. Neither did mine, he didn't want to go to counseling or anything else. He didn't care about any of the principles here. He wanted out. I had no where to turn but to God. I put all my faith in Him and allowed Him to convince my husband our marriage was fixable.


Trying,

Your situation is a lot like mine. My marriage was in the same mess yours is in maybe worse. Your situation is not that different than anyone elses. Please stop trying to find someone to compare to. Marriages are as different as people are. No two situations are the same but as I posted to you before much of mine is similar to yours.

No matter what the situation is, there is only one enemy, and that is Satan. He and he alone is your enemy. Instead of trying to find someone in the same situation, please ask God what He wants you to do. I believe He is telling you, but like me you are not always listening. Why? Because much of the time we don't want to do what He wants us to do.

Why is God allowing this to happen to you? He is calling you closier to Him and He wants your wife's heart. It takes time. There is not a quick fix like our culture demands. Please understand I am not trying to judge you are put you down. I am truly trying to help you by sharing what GOd has shown me. Please go back and read your post about the last argument you had with her. Tell me where God is in all this. These things are not of Him. Since they are not of Him, they must be from the evil one. She attacks you so you attack her and so on. Well you say I was right she was wrong I was just defending myself. First, this is not your call. God is the only judge. Second, if we are doing the will of God we do not need to defend oursleves.Third, who is the follower of Jesus Christ here? You are and God never promised it was going to be easy.

When you give in to her remarks and attack her, you are proving to her that following Chirst is not all that. No you cannot be perfect. You will slip and fall. That is o.k. that is how we learn.
So, she said you were sick. Was it worth having your children hear what they had to hear? God knows your not sick and that is all that matters. Let it go. You cannot win. There is nothing to win and everything to loose. You say you can't do it. Then get ready to have another man in your childrens lives. Get ready to have another women in there lives. Divorce hurts. It hurts more than having someone say something to you. You will win the battle but lose the war.

I had to learn and am still learning, sometimes it is best to be wrong ,or at least not be right,than to win. What have you won? Store up your treasures in heaven. Please understand I have done all the things I have mentioned you doing. It is hard and we need brothers and sisters that will hold us accountable. Start letting all that stuff go. Let her thinks she is right, it won't last, nothing from Satan last. Everything good and lasting comes from above. When you stop trying to fight this battle then God can start working in her heart. The things she does is not right but you must let God show her this and she won't hear Him as long as you keep telling her.

I am with you and I know you can overcome.

gentle

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

TTSMM,

I've been reading through some of posts and I would like to say a few things to you.

I will tell you that God's number one priority restoring the lost relationship between Him and His creation (humans). Nothing else is more important to Him than that.

So, it stands to reason that God is working on everyone including you and your W. Yes, is concerned with your M, but he is more concerned with your relationship with Him and your W's soul. God wants our desires to be in line with His.

God is trying to save your W's soul and you are trying to save your M. I was doing the same thing a while back and God told me to pay attention to Him and not my M. If she were to die today what would be more important, her going to heaven or her being married to me? I decided that her salvation was more important. I needed to adjust my priorities. If my W's relationship w/ God were to improve, my M would probably get better. I had to focus one her R w/ God and not my M.

You need to focus on your relationship with God and pray for your W's salvation. An improved M will be a by-product of a better R w/ God.

I am serious about this. Your W will not be educated by your words. She will only be taught by your actions while being guided by the Holy Spirit. All under the umbrella of your prayer and the prayers of others.

James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Daniel 3: 17-18 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn't, Your Majesty can be sure that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."

Serve God even if your W chooses not to.

I know this isn't what you want to hear my friend. God has been bringing you through a serious encounter with the enemy. He is bringing you through. The enemy doesn't fight fair. He has no rules, but you have authority over him and some influence for your W, but you cannot save her for her. She will have to make that choice. I know, I really know, how painful it is to see your W struggle with God, but don't give up.

T, I don't know what the outcome will be, but I do know that your R with God will be the thing that will comfort you in times when nothing else will. I also don't know about your experiences with God's provisions are but I AM PROOF that He can bring you through circumstance with peace.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But please know He has not abandoned you or your W.

Get as many people to pray for you as you can.

We are with you my brother.

S&C

S&C,

You bring up a very good point. I have moments when I feel such an urgent need to pray for my husband's soul. It's almost like I can feel him falling into a pit and I need to come in and pray for him, to intercede, so he won't perish.

Trying,

I can feel your pain. All I can tell you is that you need to continue to show Christ's love, even when others don't. Very important to do this. And what I'm learning is that when things start to go well, a day later or a few days later, something worse happens than before. This shows me that God is working continually. He is winning this war we are fighting and Satan is getting angry because he only has a short time left so he wreaks havoc on those who are continually turning to God, communing with God, to try to tempt us to give in, lose hope, lose faith, so he can gloat and rejoice. I, for one, will not let Satan win this war! Are you with me?

I've also learned that the only thing you can do for your spouse is pray for them. Continually pray for them. It WILL work. I'm not saying the marriage will be restored in the meantime, but I am saying that your wife WILL be affected by these prayers somehow. Without her even realizing it. She will not let you know this, more than likely, and she will fight it. But God will reach her. You just have to be willing to do whatever it takes for that happen. Even if that means letting go of your marriage temporarily. This does not mean give up hope for reconciliation or give up believing that the marriage will be reconciled, but it means being obedient to God. Continuing to do what He asks of us and praying for others.

If you continually give in to her insults, arguing with her, creating strife and so forth, this will eat at YOU. It will turn YOU angry and bitter. Look at it, my brother, it is already. Please, please, I urge you to get back into His word, commune with Him, be still and let the Holy Spirit come through you. This is the only way you can receive peace and joy that you so desperately need right now. I am praying for you and your situation.

Peace my brother in Christ,

Hey T,

Where are you? Come sit down post a while. You're on my mind today.

S&C

Thnanks SFM / S&C,
I have no time to post. But, I checked my journal and saw I didn't read Hiw Word since Friday. Feelings started Saturday, blew up Sunday. Go figure. Back in His Word again.
Love in Christ,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage (His Will BeDone)

TTSMM,

I'm really sorry for your pain. Here are some verses for you.

If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. (Gal. 5:15)

A gentle answer turns away wrath. (Prov. 15:1)

A gentle tongue can break a bone. (Prov. 25:26)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:31,32)

Above all, love one another, for love covers a MULTITUDE of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.(Gal. 6:9)

If you enemy [spouse who "doesn't love" you] is hungry, FEED HIM; if he is thirsty, GIVE HIM something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but OVERCOME EVIL WITH GOOD.(Rom 12:20-21)

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But EVEN IF you should suffer for what is right, you are BLESSED.(1 Peter 3:12-14)

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. (Rom 12:14)

Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' WAIT FOR THE LORD, and He will deliver you. (Prov. 20:22)

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called sot that you may inherit a blessing. (Rom 12:20)

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Prov. 29:11)

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deut. 31:8)

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)

We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5)


Be still before the Lord. (Psalm 37:7)

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

Forget the former things; DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. See, I am doing a NEW thing! Now it springs up; do you not perveive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18,19)

God bless!

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>