Arik,<P>This needs to be said.<P>I read your most recent post.<P>Name calling is childish and immature. Your slamming of another member of this board as you did was uncalled for and rude. You could as easily have disagreed without the nastiness. The reaction that you had only shows the rest of us that the post struck a nerve - perhaps a truth that you don't want to admit to yourself.<P>You are hurting the mother of your children. The woman whom you promised to love, cherish, honor and remain faithful to all the days of your life. And the response was to her post about being so UNHAPPY AND HURT that she wants to DIE! You may not understand how a response like the one to which you objected can often help someone who is depressed to that point, and maybe it doesn't. But you really have no right to bash someone else after announcing that you are continuing your affair and wanting us to validate your feelings.<P>I had sympathy for your dilemma until I read that post. I have quite a bit less for you now.<P>Until you acknowledge that you CANNOT give your marriage a chance while you are still in contact with the OW, you will not move forward - you will remain in this confused hell that you've created for yourself. We can tell you over and over - but until you listen, our words are meaningless.<P>This is my first post to you - I hope that you will grab onto sanity so that this will not be my last post. I believe in marriage - I believe that the promises we made to our spouses were the truth and what is happening now in their lives is delusion. Statistics bear that out - over 80% of men who divorce their wives for the OW <I>wish they could be with their wives again</I> within 5 years... because they finally see the truth.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

Terri...You said that I shouldn't bash someone who is only trying to help. But I assume you think it's ok to bash someone WHEN you're trying to help? His calling me a moron was not bashing? Hmmmmmmm, I think you and I have a very different opinion. I don't honestly think that any part of his reply was helpful, and the only nerve that it struck was that it hurt my wife to read words like that about her husband. Yup, I'll be the first one to admit that I have been the biggest jerk in the world to her. She has done absolutely nothing to deserve the things that I have done. Neither have you or any of the other people here. But I will not have anyone say hurtful things to my wife about me. No matter how much they think it is helping. I am very sorry to make you think less of me as a person. I am not really that much of an a@$@^le. I do certainly have a very confused outlook on my relationship right now. This doesn't mean that I don't deserve every bit of respect that I have given to others.<P><BR> Arik

The only time I feel respect needs to be shown is yours towards your wife, which isn't being shown with your present actions. Get a clue quick...you're hurting many more people than your W with your actions. Try and put somebody else besides you first for a change....you might even like it!

You wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You said that I shouldn't bash someone who is only trying to help.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No, read my post again - my point was: "You could as easily have disagreed without the nastiness."<P>Dazed and Confused was posting a response to your wife based on three things: 1) that Nicole had just said she wanted to die; 2) that you had just posted that you were still lying and cheating on her; and 3) that the two of you weren't going to read each other's posts. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But I assume you think it's ok to bash someone WHEN you're trying to help? His calling me a moron was not bashing? Hmmmmmmm, I think you and I have a very different opinion.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Perhaps you should remember what "assume" can do? No, I don't think anyone should call another person a moron. But the fact of the matter is, you <B>specifically</B> posted your message TO Dazed and Confused - you went out of your way to make certain that everyone knew that you were po'd at what SHE had said, much like a child having a tantrum in public. The message that Dazed and Confused posted was addressed to your wife in response to a message that sounded pretty suicidal to all of us. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't honestly think that any part of his reply was helpful, and the only nerve that it struck was that it hurt my wife to read words like that about her husband.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You posted that you are pretty much planning to leave your wife in favor of a woman with whom you are having an illicit relationship, and you believe that we should tell her - what? That you are a fine and honest man? That you are doing right by her? That you are acting like this for her own good? I have a question for you, Arik - if Nicole was hurt by the Words of Dazed and Confused and NOT by the fact that her husband has lied to her and deceived her, then why didn't <I>Nicole</I> tell Dazed and Confused that the post upset her? I'm sure she doesn't need you to speak for her here - she knows that she is among friends. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yup, I'll be the first one to admit that I have been the biggest jerk in the world to her. She has done absolutely nothing to deserve the things that I have done. Neither have you or any of the other people here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You're absolutely right - we haven't - and Dazed and Confused is one of those women who has been hurt by a deceitful husband. But what good is your admission of your awareness of hurting your wife if you do not <B>stop</B> hurting her? Yes, admission of guilt is a good start, but unless you act to <B>change</B> things, it is no more than empty words. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But I will not have anyone say hurtful things to my wife about me. No matter how much they think it is helping.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I still would like to know who those words really hurt. My guess is that they hurt you far more than they hurt Nicole. Nicole's hurt comes from the awareness that others have only seen the bad in you - and not the good man that she loves ... believe me, I know this from much experience. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am very sorry to make you think less of me as a person.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I never said that at all. I said that I had lost my sympathy for you. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am not really that much of an a@$@^le. I do certainly have a very confused outlook on my relationship right now.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes, you do. I'm glad you see that. And we have given you the advice that has worked for anyone who has actually acted on it!<P>Arik, you are looking to others for happiness and validation - That can ONLY come from within YOU. First you have to love yourself and then you can understand what it is to love another. I agree with and support all those who have told you that your "love" for Chrissy is a fantasy - you haven't had a REAL life with her as you have had with Nicole. Yes, marriages can get stale and boring - but finding someone else is NOT the solution. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence - maybe you should WATER YOURS! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This doesn't mean that I don't deserve every bit of respect that I have given to others.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Perhaps your last announcement made it seem like you aren't respecting anyone else - foremost, your wife, and, to a much lesser extent, everone on this forum who has offered you caring and support. You will not receive validation of your affair here. That is not what we are about. Perhaps I'm wrong, but it sure seems like that's what you want to hear.<P>Dazed and Confused was saying the words that many of us likely think to ourselves when we see cheaters attempt to justify their affairs. But the best way to "get back at" someone who calls you a jerk is to prove that you AREN'T one ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR><p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited November 26, 1999).]