Hi all,

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. This morning isn't such a great morning. I could really use prayers like crazy. I believe I'm having another attack of Satan in my midst. I feel like Satan's winning this war and I don't know how much more I can take. I feel so desolate, so alone (even though I know I'm not). I'm having such a hard time keeping my chin up and truly believing that God is restoring this marriage.

I got part of a wish on Christmas. My H did stay with us. He did not go to church service on the 24th as planned, but he did stay in the house & slept in the bed on the 3rd floor. We were laughing, I opened a present from him and Christmas morning was absolutely beautiful. The children were so ecstatic that their father was there with them. He ate at his mother's and I ate with the kids at my mother's. Now, I'm having second thoughts that I allowed him to stay there. When I took the kids to see his parents Christmas day, he was there after eating dinner with them. When I sat in the kitchen to talk with them, I looked in the room and there he was, playing with the kids, his brother next to him with his girlfriend, and suddenly I felt totally out of place, like I didn't belong there anymore. I had to come home immediately. I told him to drop the kids off later & I tailed it out of there.

He came by later with the kids and I told him that I couldn't be "just friends". I thought it would be better not to see him at all then watch him drive away all the time. He agreed. Then I had second thoughts. I told him the next day to disregard that comment & continue as we've been doing. Then I really did it. I asked him to try again. Why couldn't we try to start over? Why did i do that? Why did I set myself up for failure? Why did I open my mouth? Why didn't I keep my mouth shut? This must have scared him because he never came around Saturday.

Sunday morning I got up, went to church, and I saw my new offering envelope sitting there with my name only instead of both of our names. I believe this set me off. I cried from that moment on. It especially angered me that he never came to see the kids in their Christmas pageant Sunday morning. I had called him the night before & left a message for him reminding him of the time of service & their pageant was the next day. He never came. The first thing my D asked me, Where's Daddy? That tore my heart up. Having to tell her, I don't know.

The day goes by. Finally, at 4:30 in the afternoon, he decides to call our D & arrange to pick them up. I had been crying all day. When he came, I was very quiet, didn't speak to him at all, and he sensed the tension & went outside to wait for the kids to get ready. I tried to give back to him the present he gave me, but he refused it. He told me to keep it. I told him I didn't want it & handed it to him anyway. When I went for a drive later, he had put it on the porch. After he left, I could not stop crying & I started to pack more of his things. I packed up the Christmas present in the box it came in and have it sitting by the door. I took two cards he had given me about loving me forever & wrote LIAR real big on them & stuffed them in the box as well. Why did I do this? I'm hurting so badly right now, please help me. I feel so empty inside. So alone.

Did I just ruin all of God's plans for restoration? Did I interfere when I shouldn't have? I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to react. I feel so numb right now & all I can do is cry. Please, please, please help! God, please bring him back to our home! I am so sorry for interfering. I am so sorry for sinking in the water! Please God, forgive me.

SFM,
Looks like the enemy had a field day with both of us this past Christmas. You can read mine at Question for the Female BS's Out There, so I won't include them here.
From my heart, satan pushed every emotional button in you and made you react in ways that you wouldn't normally. But don't give up hope. It doesn't matter what you do, if it is His Will, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Having said this, get back on track with His Word and His promises for you, so your prayers will not be hindered.

If you wrote this 24-48 hours ago, I would be crying on your shoulder. But even God's timing between us on MB is PERFECT. Get back to Him. You "TPOAPW", read it. Don't wait for the next installment from h98. Pray, Read, Pray, be tehre for you children, get some rest, Pray, Read. This is a tough battle we are going through. You need to be well-armed against the enemy. I don't know how it is for most men, but for me, I like consistency. Marie is the same way. I know when I waiver back and forth it tears my credibility with her.

IMVHO, women are more emotional and change their minds very quickly. If your H is used to that from you, then you didn't set yourself back at all. If not, then you might want to plan how you will speak and react to him BEFORE you talk again.

I know it is difficult and I definetly should follow my own advice.

My prayers are with you Dear Sister,
ttsmm

SFM,

The things you said and did were pretty much the same as things I have said and done to my husband in the past four years since he left. You are human and women do let their emotions get the best of them sometimes.

As trying said, God's way will prevail. It doesn't matter what your husband is saying or doing, stand on what God has promised you. I believe your husband staying at your home and giving you a gift are signs from God of what He has for you and your marriage in the future. God would give me signs like this and then I would be hurt by something my husband did to reject me and I would get all discouraged and say and do things that I shouldn't have.

I would be so broken because I had messed up. I would repent and then tell my husband I was sorry for the way I acted. God can fix our mistakes. He gives us other chances. I do believe me losing it at times slowed the restoration down. Maybe it wouldn't have taken so long if I had learn to be quite sooner. IT takes time for the wounds to heal.

All is not lost. If I were you, I would ask my husband's forgiveness for saying the things I said and doing the things I did. I would thank him for staying with me and the children and spending time with the children. Men need to be needed. Always give him affirmation. Build him up. If he get compliments and is treated good when he is around you and the children, he will want to spend more and more time with you.

He will remember this when things don't go so well with the OW. You are to be Christ to him not matter how hard it is right now. Be someone he wants to come home to. Please try not to do thing like calling him a liar. He meant the things when he wrote them, leave it at that and hold on to the promise.

Please understand that I have failed in the same ways myself. I do understand how hard all this is. I have emailed or called friends just as upset that I had messed up so bad that my marriage would never be restored. Praise God, these friends would remind me that God was still God. They would tell me God's hand is on this. They would also remind me of all I had already accomplished.

Do you get Charlyne's devotional? If so have you read many of Bob's postings on being the prodigal and how things Charlyne did effected him but he would keep pushing it all back?

It was a good thing that you let your husband stay with you. Don't let Satan steal this from you. Satan is you enemy and he comes to kill, steal and destroy. Don't let him.

The first Christmas my husband was away he came very early in the morning to stay with us and be here Christmas morning. He stayed until about 4:00 in the afternoon and then went to his mother's with the girls. I reacted in the same way you did. I was so hurt that he left. I was not invited to his parent's house so I was really hurt. The next two Christmas he did not come to our home until about 2:00 in the afternoon. I was so hurt that he wasn't here. Things were worse than the Christmas before and I said something's I shouldn't have when he called. He was with his family and they wanted the girls to come to their home. I was so hurt that he was not with us Christmas morning that I kept making him wait later and later to pick them up. After he came and left I spent the rest of the day in bed crying.

Last year at Christmas, things were much better and he came early in the morning once again. He stayed until about 2:00 and let with the girls. I was still sad but didn't say anything to him. I did go to bed after they left.

Then comes this Christmas. My husband has been here almost everyday for the past three months. He includes me in everything. We all went to his parents Thanksgiving. That was the first Thanksgiving we spent together as a family since he left. We bought all our Christmas presents together. He was here Christmas Eve and we went to the Christmas Eve service at church together. His parents came to our house Christmas Day and everything was really nice. I even got the same amount of cash from his parents as he did. This has not happen since he left. He is still here.

He still sleeps on the couch, why I don't know. He doesn't tell me he loves me nor does he hug or kiss me in front of anyone. But he is here and he talks to me as a husband would a wife. He talks of us as husband and wife. He tells me if he is going somewhere and he comes back here. He hasn't really made a commitment yet so I haven't sent praise reports saying he is home even though he really is home. Reconciliation is a process and has just begun.

I tell you all this so you will know that reconciliation happens even when we mess up. Yes, we can get in God's way but, after we hit our heads against that wall enough times we say I am not going to do that anymore, it hurts. Like me, when you get tired of the hurt, you will learn to keep quite and believe God is working no matter what we see.

All of you are in my prayers even if I don't post sometimes. I look forward to seeing each and every marriage here restored.

gentle

gentle,
That is beautiful to hear about you and your H. Praise God and how He works on our marriages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's difficult to keep the faith. IMHO, we are all "doubting-Thomases" to some extent and we need to see in order to believe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men need to be needed. Always give him affirmation. Build him up.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know my biggest EN is Admiration (in the form of Appreciation). I want to be wanted. I want to know that what I do matters to the most important people in my life, especially Marie. Even with her surleyness to me, when she thanks me for something and appreciates me, though fleeting, it drives away the lonliness of the previous few weeks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Men are problem solvers by nature (that's why sometimes we talk when you ladies just want us to listen - we are trying to come up with a solution and move on to the next problem). So, if we find we are doing things for our wives (and our children) and we do not receive feedback (preferably positive) our brains shortcircuit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . We can't have unresolved problems, or unproductive solutions within our lives. It doesn't work (we see this from the results generated), time to try something else.
In my experience and MHO, of course.

God's Grace,
ttsmm

Gentle,

The OW is no longer in the picture. He comes down to our house to "have someone to talk to". He has stated over & over that he wants us to be friends. I have told him that I don't think we can be because I will always want more. I think to myself that God wants us to be friends first & then work our way up from there. I'm just not sure. Today I have been crying all day at work. My H is there with the kids now. I pray that he's there when I get home tonight. He asked my D last night if I was mad at him because I tried to give back the clock he gave me. This clock is beautiful. It took some thought for him to get this gift. I can see that he truly wants to be friends, but it is so hard not to look at him continually & be satisfied with "just being friends". I miss his hugs, his kisses, his touch. He has told me that he does not miss being intimate with me at all even though there wasn't any problem in the bedroom before he left, which he himself confirmed.

The only thing that I was curious about was the fact that the only people he bought Christmas presents for were the kids & me. He could have used that money on his mother, his brothers, anyone else, why me if he still does not feel anything? It is so hard to get him to admit that he still has feelings for me. I don't think he realizes it himself. He has made the comment to me that I am so far above him spiritually (a Bible thumper to be exact) that I feel like he thinks he's not good enough for me (from different comments he has made). He is the one, I know it in my heart. God brought us together. It is so hard though to keep that faith of God's plan of restoration, like you said.

I did thank him Christmas night for giving us a special holiday, for going Christmas shopping with me. He is the one who brought up the fact of us not really talking too much because he saw the sad look on my face when he drove away on the 23rd after shopping. He told me he wants it to be easier on me to deal with all of this - so he thinks he should stay away. That is why I agreed with him. It is very hard. I don't know which would be worse - not seeing him at all or getting at least 5 min a day with him to laugh and enjoy each other's company. Yes, it's hard to see him drive away, however, I think I'd rather get 5 minutes than no minute at all. Unfortunately, if he believes I am mad at him or upset that day because of the surrounding circumstances, he will avoid me as much as possible so as not to upset me more by seeing him (his words, not mine).

It is so very hard to make the proper choices when your brain is all screwed up, your heart is twisted in knots, and you feel the whole world just crumbling down around you.

Gentle, your story is somewhat similar to mine. I also believe that "losing" it with him has slowed down our restoration. He has told me all along that he will not come home to the same woman he left. I strive to have a quiet spirit, one day with Gods help I know I will.

Cheryls,

That is how I chose my nickname here. I wanted to be a quite and gentle spirit. I thought calling myself gentle would be a good start.

My husband never even said he wouldn't come home to the same woman. He just said he was never coming home because I was never going to change.

There have been times when I thought he was right. It has taken a long time for me to have lasting changes. You will have them too. There will always be someone here to encourage you, it may not comfort you but you will be encouraged.

gentle

gentle

I was reading your post to SFM and it sounds so familiar to me. My husband left four years ago. Thinking back now the reasons he left were really very foolish. We seemed to argue about nothing. I believe most of it was my fault. He treated me like a queen and I took it as him trying to control me. I wasn't at all close to God then and didn't really know how to be a wife to him. Since he has left I have come to know God more than I ever have in my life. I could get along with him for short periods of time and then I would just blow up at him. I know it does nothing but push him away. He has told me all along that being "nice" to him would draw him back to me, so why can't I succeed at doing this? Everytime I would fuss at him I would promise myself that would be the last time. Then I would see him and he would say something I didn't like and it would happen all over again. He would tell me that I haven't changed or I was never going to change. I would feel miserable and become very angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions. When I do this he won't call me or see me because he says he isn't going to put himself through it. I always call and apoligize to him and tell him it won't happen again. It always does, although I have to say not as much as before. I want him to come home so bad but I know it has to be God's timing and not mine. If he were to come home now I know our marriage would struggle to survive. God knows best. I have to become the woman that God wants me to be first. I hope I get tired of hitting my head against the wall soon.

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

Well, I was lucky. I had a friend of mine go over to my house and take out those two cards out of his box and put them back in my bedroom in my personal belongings. He will never see them. This would have just created hostileness towards me. I also have to tell my D today to take out the present he had gotten me and put it back on top of the entertainment center where it was before he takes that box. Found out last night that he was a little angry with me because he didn't know why I was angry with him Sunday. I explained to him that I have good days and bad days. It's a very stressful time. He understood that and wanted to know how he could relieve the stress for me. He thinks by him not coming around when I'm there will do it. Boy, what little does he know.

We did have some breakthrough last night. He apologized to me for the affair, for lying to me, for the deception of pretending to be someone he thought I wanted, for what I'm going through now. This is acknowledgement on his part of his shortcomings and I praise God for that! I apologized to him for my arguing with him over the course of the marriage, for being so, pardon the french, B***** that he felt that he had no other choice but to leave, for not being the wife he wanted. We ended up having a very good conversation, laughed, talked on the phone before I went to his room, spent about 4 1/2 hours in his room talking, then I called him to say good night and we were the last person each other spoke with before we went to sleep.

He will be spending New Year's Eve with friends and this will be the first time that he has not broken in the New Year with his family. Please pray that God intercedes and brings him home to break in the New Year with me and the kids.

Sfm,

I am so glad that you had the cards removed before he saw them. It is good that you are keeping the clock. You had a heart change and then you were blessed with a good evening with your husband.

You are doing a great job. I believe you will see even more changes soon.

gentle

Thanks gentle. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so glad that you had the cards removed before he saw them. It is good that you are keeping the clock. You had a heart change and then you were blessed with a good evening with your husband.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never thought about it that way. Sometimes you just need other people to point things like this out. I can feel changes too occurring. I feel like something's going to break through soon, a good change. It's an unbelievable feeling that I just can't shake. Every time I start to get down, this feeling keeps coming back. God keeps telling me, Don't worry. In MY time.

Thanks for the encouragement.

SFM,
I am so gald to that things are better. As you siad, "In HIS time." It's just difficult to see to that way sometimes. your story is inspiring.
God's Grace,
ttsmm

My heart hurts. I wish the pain would go away. I have developed a fear of leaving my home in the last 6 months or so. When I think about leaving I can feel the fear overcome me. Actually my fear is not leaving but having to come back.

Dear Lord,

Please give Cheryls a peace of mind that only YOu can fill. Please lift up her aching pain and fill her heart with gladness for You. Let her be filled with an awesome hunger for Your word and let her "be still and know" that You alone are God. Please help her overcome her fears and hold her hand when she feels the fear overwhelm her to give her peace and contentment. All this I ask in Jesus' name, Amen.

Cheryls,

Our stories do sound familiar. I do know the pain you are talking about. It has not been that long ago that my heart has hurt so bad that I just wanted God to take me to be with Him. I would always feel like I was messing up saying something
I shouldn't have said. I would feel like I could not be nice enough or good enough when my husband was around. I would just die inside every time he left to go to his brother's house.

I too cried almost everyday. Some days not that much but some days I could barely take the pain. I went through times were I didn't want to leave my house either. I just didn't want to face people or situations that would make me miss my husband. Thank God, He put people in my life to help pull me through. I don't get to talk or see these people as much as I use to since my husband started staying here. God moved some away, and some had life changes of their own. At first it hurt me but now I see that God was preparing me for my husband being here all the time. That is what I meant when I was talking about GOD putting people in our life's for a season. He gave me what I needed when I needed it. Looking back at this I can see this clearly, but at the time I questioned what He was doing.

He is preparing you by giving you what you need right now. He wants you all to himself right now so He can mold you into the woman He created you to be. Please know Cheryls that it was just months ago that I was in pain like you are now. Things changed slowly but also suddenly if you know what I mean.

You can write me if you need to. I will get back with you as soon as possible. tpatter4@aol.com

gentle