I guess no good deed goes unpunished. I must have had too much fun !<P>Yesterday I delivered T-day meals to local shut-ins, talk about depressing!<P>But things picked up from there. Went to my friends with there 4 kids plus his SIL & husband and their 2 kids so it was quite a houseful. But there was plenty of food and I had a good time.<P>I then called my kids who were with their mother at her parents house. My 12 yo dropped a monkey wrench in my New Eve's plans. She had suggested on having a party for New Year and I agreed that we could invites their friends and families so things were looking up.<P>So last nite my daughter asked if my stbx could come as she was going to be alone. I said I owuld have to think about that and my daughter said if mom couldn't come then she didn't want to come either.<P>I guess I have to sit down and explain things to her. Originally stbx was supposed to work and somehow she got off. She said they may need her because of overstaffing for Y2K fears but since she is now working full time that probably won't use her as she would get overtime. <P>I don't know and don't care where om is, but would assume he is working since it doesn't look like they are going out. I don't know where all her "other" friends are either.<P>I guess I'll tell my daughter that actions have consequences and since her mother left, missing out on "family" things is the consequence and that if she chooses not to be there , then she can go spend the nite with her mother. <P>I'm not sure where my son sits on this as I imagine it just came up. I haven't heard from stbx on it either, I would think she wouldn't want to come but I don't no which woman will be doing the thinking, the intelligent, caring one, or the selfish, uncaring one.

Let delivering dinners to shut-ins uplift your spirit, my friend! You have done very well, nothing to be depressed about there. (I know what you mean though. It's THEIR circunstances that are depressing. I've done this too in the past - not recently, because too bitter about good deeds not going unpunished, sacrifing everything I am and have for love and that not going unpunished either!) I think the universe (or God or whatever name you prefer) is trying to tell us this simple truth - "Work not for reward but do the work!" What this means, I think, is that when we do a charitable action like yours, we should not expect any kind of preferential treatment because of it. If we could, the we would do these charitable acts for a reward, not out of compassion and caring. (I've often noticed that just the opposite seems to happen - a few years ago, after I'd brought Christmas dinners to the eldery and was driving home, my timing belt blew, a little $200 expense including towing. Sometimes I think God even likes to lay a little extra sacrifice on us this way.)<P>Boy am I in my lecture mode today! Sorry if this seems a bit much. Don't know what to tell you about NY eve. I'd probably just let STBX come to the party, if it was that imporant to one of my children. Otherwise, you may be forcing them to take sides with one parent or the other. But this is easy to say, and I can't really tell what I'd do in your situation. It's tough. I know. I went through this with my 1st W and son. Thank God my present W and I don't have any children together! But keep doing those good deeds, man! They WILL pay off in the long run even if they don't in the short term. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Hi RWD -<P>Belated Happy Thanksgiving to you!!<P>I haven't caught up with a lot yet...<P>I want to say thank you for being so giving to deliver to people...how wonderful!!! <P>I am also glad that you were able to enjoy yourself also...<P>The New Year's party.....what a predicament!!<P>I wonder where this came from....how did a conversation start on this and who asked who about it.....<P>I agree that you should talk to D about it....try to find out some details and then work on a solution WITH the kids keeping in mind that this is their MOM!!<P>I know how you feel and how your Wife has made decisions and I agree, but the kids have their needs too!!! UGH - it's all so difficult!!!!<P>Perhaps getting through the Holidays and New Year as pleasantly as possible in some form of "family" unit would be a good thing......<P>Although - I would be curious where D's way of thinking was for yesterday and YOU not going for dinner....does it not work both ways? See if she is being influenced ......<P>Just some thoughts.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Wex,<BR>Thank you for the compliments, and yes it is their situation that is depressing, a little old lady all alone, a man in a wheelchair on the second floor apt of an old house that should be condemed, and delivering a meal to some woman I didn't see, but the door was answered by a younger man and woman who certainly looked capable of preparing a meal. They also made me think of my stbx and om. Living in some old ratty place, with a bunch of old cars and car parts laying around. That probably won't happen though as the both make decent money, unless his w takes it all.<P>As fro the good works, I agree, if you are doing them for the reward, you might as well stay home. I just like helping people.<P>As for the party, I can't let the kids run my life because they would do this stuff forever. My d already says she is going to live with her mom everytime she is mad at me. I don't know if it is too early to call her bluff or not.<P>Sheba,<BR>We just decided about the party earlier this week. I was sort of waffling around, waiting ti find out what stbx was going to do. So I decided to take the bull by the horns, I didn't want to be left sitting around by myself with kids and then her coming in at 11:45 to do something with them.<P>I imagine the kids told her about the party on the way to grandmas house. Yea, it is interesting they didn't say anything about me not going. <P>I also find it interesting that my stbx is making such a big deal about NYE, we never did that much before and also its not really a kids holiday. The kids holiday was haloween and she worked and wouldn't take off because in her words "it isn't a major holiday!"<P>I would like nothing better than to have a peaceful holiday season, but I just get so irratated anymore when I see her. I still have a lot of bitterness and resentment towards her.<P>I just can't imagine anybody, me ,her or the guests being comfortable being there. I have no problem if she comes at around midnite, sees the kids, then leaves, but I see no reason for her to be there the whole nite, do you ?<P><BR>I really would like to know why she sn't going out with om unless he is working. Then she would not even be thinking about the kids.<P>Thank you too for the compliments. It really wsn't that big a deal.

RWD...<P>Happy belated Thanksgiving...<P>Just as a reminder to me... where are you in the plans?...<P>Hard core Plan B?... modified Plan B?... hybrid Plan A/B?... post withdrawal(W's) return to Plan A?...<P>Is OM cmpletely out of the picture? Is your W trying to contact him, or he... her?<P>Is there visitation scheduled with your W.<P>I'd like to make comments... but I don't know where you're at... or where your heading...<P>In general... it is never in the best interest to punish the children... (spoiling is yet another story too!)...<P>New Year's Eve will be tough...<BR>If you're in a "full blown" Plan B... I think you can still have her over... just with some ground rules spelled out clearly...<P>Love your kids... first and foremost...<BR>Your W... you can work on, mostly when withdrawal is over... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Best wishes... <P>Jim

NSR,<BR>I posted you a reply, but don't know where it went !

NSR,<BR>I've run out of plans and am using Plan D(divorce). I just can no longer trust her or feel anything but anger and bitterness for her.<P>My counselor said a long time ago that it sounded like an exit affair to her, that my w simply wanted out of the marriage. The affair gave her a reason and she is taking full advantage of it. <P>OM is still in the picture as they work together at the hospital. He is also paying part of her rent and has the keys. I think they were togther most of last weekend.<P>I don't think I'm punishing the kids, although I do spoil them, she is the one that said she would come if her mother wasn't there, so she is making the decision.<BR>

hi rwd, i do not think you are punishing the kids either. If you would be uncomfortable, then no invite to those that would make you feel less than happy! <BR>Kids always come first in my book, but this is manipulative. You do still have to parent them!