Fellow warriors,

I did something last night I'd never thought I would do. I told my H goodbye. I have been in IC for a few weeks now & since my H did not go to the last session, it was a big indicator for me that he does not want this M at all. He is happier w/o me. When I got home Wed night, I left a message on his machine congratulating him on his "new found freedom" and told him that I guess we'd never see each other again and that he would need to let me know what time he would be picking up the children over the weekend.

Last night, when my kids called to tell me they were home, my H was there visiting with them. I spoke to him about the weekend & asked him why he didn't go to counseling with me? He gave me his usual, I don't know. I made up my mind then that I would talk to him & tell him that I can no longer continue to be "friends". What he wants is for us to be friends, to be able to talk, carry on, spend time, but then leave at the end of the night. I have tried this for the past month. It is not working. I long for him even more now than I did before. He even wanted to know how the C session went. In my opinion, if he really wanted to know, he would have been there. We had a very long conversation last night in his room, and I informed him that I could no longer be friends right now that it's too painful for me. He understood.

My question - is this considered letting go of him & letting it TRULY in God's hands? Have I been trying to take control this time and not letting God do what He has to do to reconcile us? Is this what it's going to take for God to heal my heart, heal Adam's heart, and then bring us together as new, refreshed people to start again, God's way?

Some positives that came out of the conversation -- 1) He told me that it will hurt him terribly if he cannot have me in his life - if I wanted revenge, that that would be the way to do it - not talk to him at all - IS THAT WHAT I'M DOING? TAKING REVENGE?
2) He admitted he has thought about coming home - not for the reasons I want though, because it would be "easier" than what he's facing right now. He admitted it's very hard on his own.
3) He misses sleeping beside someone at night, he misses the companionship

Are all these positive signs and showing me that God is slowly working on him longing for me like I long for him? Is this part of God's great plan? I am so confused. So unsure. I don't know if I did the right thing by not being there when my H needs me. I know I need to let him "reap what he sows" which this would be considered, right? He will not be able to run to me when he needs help, not be able to call me when he's lonely, not be able to come in and "chat" then leave. He will have a chance to miss ME and what I have done for him, what I can provide for him. Am I right? Or am I grasping at straws here? Please help, warriors.

Lord,
Please give me strength to get through this day. To be at peace with my decision. Please work on Adam's heart during this time of silence between us. Show him what life would be like without me in his world. Place a burning desire for me in his heart. Call to him to reach out to You during his hurt and give him a longing, a desire, to return to the "wife of his youth". Thank you Lord, for giving me strength, for being my H during this time, for showing me always that You love me unconditionally and want me to long for You as I long for my H. Thank you for showing me that my life would never be complete without You guiding my every step. Praise Your name, and thank you for the most precious gift of all, our Savior Jesus Christ, in whose name I pray. Amen.

Is this a Plan B?
No. Plan B you still want to remain married and you state it directly in a letter to your spouse.

I have been in IC for a few weeks now & since my H did not go to the last session, it was a big indicator for me that he does not want this M at all.
IC is individual counseling, correct? Why would he go with you?

my prayers are with you Yvette.

Lord, be with Yvette today, help her stay calm, quite her fears. We are too impatient sometimes. We want to know what is going to happen and we want to know right now. Help her while she waits to see what path Adam will take. Help her give Adam time.

Yvette, Are you seeking revenge?? Only you can truely answer that. From here it looks like you are trying to remove yourself from a hurtful situation. You certainly have every right to do that. Did you give him options that would allow you two back into a path of reconciling?? There is nothing wrong with telling him the current situation is not good for you. To me it sounds like if he were willing to go to C with you and start working on your R, you would be more than happy to have that happen. BUT, he has to keep his word and show up. It is wrong of him to say he will come and then not show. He has to put his actions behind his words.

I think your prayer is right on. Asking for peace for you so you can give Adam the time to really make a decision. Until he does, you cannot really move in any direction.

Good luck!!! My heart is with you.

FL,

Thanks for the prayer. I really needed it. I am praying for you as well. I believe I did leave the door open for reconciliation. I told him that I want to have him as a H but I cannot sit by & wait for him to make a decision of what he wants to do - sit on that fence. I know if I push him one way, he will fall the other way. That is the pitfall of sitting on top of a fence. I told him that when he decides to go to C with me, then he could give me a call. Until then, he will be beeping the car to pick up the kids, not coming in to visit & chat, & I will not call him to talk about anything except the children & that will be it. He replied that this will hurt him quite deeply & I told him this isn't what I WANT, it's what I HAVE TO DO, for my own sanity and to get me through.

I apologized to him for having to cause him hurt, but I need to look out for me right now & get some peace of mind during this time. I believe I did leave the doors open, I didn't shut them the whole way, just partially, I guess but what other option do I have right now? I cannot continue to set myself up for rejection over & over again & that's what happens when I allow him to come in as a friend only. Unfortunately, I will miss him beyond words but I have faith that God will use this time to speak to both of us. Maybe this is the way that God can speak to him directly, without me involved. With me allowing him to be in my life, acting as if I'm a friend and not a wife, maybe Adam was unable to hear God speaking to his heart.

To answer your question, Chris, I see a family therapist that wanted to meet with me & my H last week, so we did. During that session, he had told my H that he wishes that Adam would come back to the next session to begin MC. When I questioned my H to see if he would indeed go, he told me he didn't know if he would or not. By him not coming, I assumed he didn't want to do the MC. This is what promoted my actions. Sorry for the confusion.

If you are gonna do a Plan B, then you have to do a Plan B letter.

Everything you say you told him is good. But what you said he may not have heard the same way.
This is the reason for the Plan B letter. It also gives them something concrete (okay paper) to look at and have a VERY CLEAR understanding of what you are doing (no contact) and why (it hurts too much). It also states VERY CLEARLY that you want to remain married.
This statement, "I told him that I want to have him as a H but I cannot sit by & wait for him to make a decision of what he wants to do"
seems pretty "threatening".
A letter will tell him this but explain it is not a "threat" in any way.

Also, he can go back and read a letter if he wants/needs to.

Hi Yvette,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did something last night I'd never thought I would do. I told my H goodbye.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you did a good thing. ...trusting God that is. God is working on him.

[qutoe]I have been in IC for a few weeks now & since my H did not go to the last session, it was a big indicator for me that he does not want this M at all.[/quote]

Chris; Yvette has (if I remember right) tried toset up more than one counseling session for her H to attend to help get the M into recovery. He has not shown interest in going after agreeing to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is happier w/o me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I got home Wed night, I left a message on his machine congratulating him on his "new found freedom" and told him that I guess we'd never see each other again and that he would need to let me know what time he would be picking up the children over the weekend.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember, Plan B is a plan to reconcile your M not end it all together. Your convesations should be limited to the children. For some people even that much contact with WS is too painful. In which case all handling of the children is through a third party. It doesn't seem like you are there.

Anyway, you should still write a Plan B letter, explaining how much you still love him, but it hurts you deeply when he leaves. You want your M too work. However, you also need him in the M also. Tell him you want him back home, and you are willing to take him back. But his return will be under certain conditions and yo spell out the conditions.

I have not had to write a Plan B letter (although I drafted one). There are others around that are very good at instructing about Plan B. The thing to remember is that Plan B is about protecting yourself and the love you have remaining for your H; while giving him a taste of what life will be like without you (after an awesome Plan A of course).


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question - is this considered letting go of him & letting it TRULY in God's hands?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is a way of letting go and allowing God to work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have I been trying to take control this time and not letting God do what He has to do to reconcile us? Is this what it's going to take for God to heal my heart, heal Adam's heart, and then bring us together as new, refreshed people to start again, God's way?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yvette, God's glory is brought forth in many ways. Lazareth died to show God's glory. Thousands of peolple got feed with just a few fish and loaves of bread. Sometimes it happens silently and very few people, if any, recognize it. But be assured, if your relationship with the Father is intimate, His glory will be shown.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some positives that came out of the conversation -- 1) He told me that it will hurt him terribly if he cannot have me in his life - if I wanted revenge, that that would be the way to do it - not talk to him at all - IS THAT WHAT I'M DOING? TAKING REVENGE?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Babblese" He may just be seeing if you will give in because of guilt. Only stop Plan B only if you truely feel like he is sincerly working on the M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2) He admitted he has thought about coming home - not for the reasons I want though, because it would be "easier" than what he's facing right now. He admitted it's very hard on his own.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now he will have to wrestle with God w/o the distraction of his faithful bride.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3) He misses sleeping beside someone at night, he misses the companionship</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he miss sleeping with you or just anyone?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are all these positive signs and showing me that God is slowly working on him longing for me like I long for him? Is this part of God's great plan? I am so confused. So unsure.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only plan of God's I know for you, for sure, is that He wants you to be closer to Him than you've ever been. He may be allowing this time not only for Adam; but for you to walk a little closer and more intimate than before.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if I did the right thing by not being there when my H needs me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He needs to know he needs you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I need to let him "reap what he sows" which this would be considered, right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly, he just needs to come face to face with his Creator and become the man God designed him to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will not be able to run to me when he needs help, not be able to call me when he's lonely, not be able to come in and "chat" then leave.[quote]

He will, but only after he agrees to the conditions you set forth in the Plan B letter.

[quote]He will have a chance to miss ME and what I have done for him, what I can provide for him. Am I right? Or am I grasping at straws here? Please help, warriors.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are correct. And more importantly he will understand how much he needs God.

Just remember, what happens now is a process, not an event. Allow it to improve and keep looking at him through God's eye's. Love him at a distance until he's ready.

Blessing to you Yvette. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Love in Christ.

S&C

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, this is a way of letting go and allowing God to work.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for this. I really do feel at peace with my decision and I have felt really good these past couple of days. God sure is in control! PTL! He has given me the strength to walk away temporarily. To Him be the praise and the glory!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now he will have to wrestle with God w/o the distraction of his faithful bride. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never thought of myself as a "distraction" but I guess it's true. Thanks for the eye-opener! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1 - He needs to know he needs you. 2 -Honestly, he just needs to come face to face with his Creator and become the man God designed him to be. 3 - And more importantly he will understand how much he needs God.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are things that I'm hoping will happen. If not, then I will still become a better person and will have a deeper relationship with my creator. I know I need God. Without him, none of this matters. None of this would make any difference. I really feel a deep sense of urgency to pray for Adam's soul. That, to me, is the most important thing. Adam needs to have that close R with his maker more than ever. He is lost, and I pray that he finds his way back to His Father and kneels in awesome wonder before Him.

I drafted a NC letter that I plan to give to him when he picks up the children. I was hoping to have NC with him for at least a full week, but unfortunately, there is a situation that has arisen concerning our D which we must discuss and handle together so there are no misunderstandings. Pray that this conversation goes well please. I would like to run the letter by you to see if it is loving and non-judgmental if that would be okay. Whoever feels moved to respond, please do so. I respect all of your opinions as fellow Christians.

Dearest H,
I wanted to go over what we had discussed the other night about our separation. I told you some things that I want to be clear you understand. I do not want you to feel threatened or "beaten up" in any way. I love you and always will. I understand when you say that there is no love left for me and that you are confused about what you should do. I also do not want you to think that I have closed the door and you will never be allowed back in my life. You are my husband and I want to have a loving, committed R with you and God as the head of that R. I want to learn how to restore the love that has been lost. I realize that I didn't meet the ENs you have been lacking so you withdrew from me. I recognize that and the Lord has spoken so loudly for me to wake up and make some changes within me. Fortunate for me, I listened and am doing just that. I cannot stress to you enough how these changes are permanent and I will continue to improve upon myself because I like who I am becoming - the wife you have always wanted.

It was the hardest thing for me to do when I said goodbye to you. I don't want this to be final. I really hope and pray that you will agree to go to C and try to restore the love that has been lost. Until that time comes though, although I don't want to, I feel I have to stop talking with you like we have been. It bears too much pain for me to remain friends while you are still confused. Please know that if you ever want to come to a C session and start to work on our M, all you have to do is call and ask what time and day to be there. All you have to do is come in and say, Y, we have to talk, and I'll listen.

Please know that I still love you and it's killing me to do this and I hope it will only be temporary.

Love always & forever,
Y

Any comments, suggestions, or anything I should add or delete? Uh oh, here it comes. I'm ready! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have given the letter to my H. We had NC from Thursday when we had our discussion until yesterday. Over the weekend, he acknowledged my request and beeped to pick up the children. I thought I would be nice & shovel his car out for him yesterday since it was buried in snow. My S & I had just got done with my mother's sidewalks so we thought we'd go do his dad's car. We had fun. When we came home, my S called him to tell him of the surprise because he hadn't been outside to see yet. He was surprised. I had to speak with him concerning a meeting we were supposed to have concerning some behavioral problems w/our D. He had to go to work so that meeting was cancelled. I made the drastic mistake of asking him if he missed me & if he liked things the way they are. He did not respond the way I would have liked him to. Of course, I became depressed & cried most of the day. He still had not read the NC letter. Maybe out of fear, maybe out of "oh no, here she goes again", I don't know but I pray that when he reads it, his heart will soften some more & he will contemplate on what he could be losing if he continues on this road.

On a positive note, we did have a very good conversation & he agreed that I could tell him I loved him when we did speak (only in regards to the children) & he would just acknowledge it w/an Okay or I know. Before this, he absolutely refused to let me say those words because then he felt obligated to say them back. This is a good thing. When I asked him if he likes the way things are, he responded, "Half & half, now I have no one to talk to." I responded to him that he could talk to his friends & brothers. He said it's not the same. This is a good thing too, right? I told him to find out why he wants to talk to ME instead of other people. He told me he'd think about that because he really couldn't pinpoint why he wants to talk to me and no one else.

I pray that God keeps moving in his life, keeps moving in my life, in our lives, in our children's lives. I pray that God keeps giving me the strength to get through every obstacle, to jump over hurdles, and lay low in the range of fire. To have the ability to keep forgiving & keep pressing forward even though I want to crawl under a rock & disappear sometimes. I pray that God keeps convicting me of my sins, showing me the areas I need improvement & helps me see through the clouds to that rainbow at the end.

I finally had enough money to order HNHNs and SAA. I have learned so much from them both. I am finished with HNHN & the letter inside SAA from Sue really hit home for the way my H says he feels. Should I let him read this letter? Maybe he'll find something he can relate to & realize it can be done if he sets his heart to do it? I really feel God is giving us the tools necessary to repair the damage. Now all we have to do is grab on to them & go with it. I pray that my H can see it this way too.

Lord, thank you for giving me strength. Thank you for moving in my life, for keeping me from giving up hope, for pulling me out of despair. I pray that A finds the love that has been lost deep inside his soul for you most of all and secondly, for me. Thank you for your hand of protection over our family & thank you for all you are doing in each of our lives here on MB. Thank you most of all for your precious gift of Jesus Christ, sent to free us all from the entrapment of sin. I humbly pray in Jesus' name, Amen.

I have given the letter to my H.
Good.

I thought I would be nice & shovel his car out for him yesterday since it was buried in snow.
You are NOT supposed to be “nice” (or mean either). You are supposed to let him be.

On a positive note, we did have a very good conversation & he agreed that I could tell him I loved him when we did speak (only in regards to the children)
Uh, why?

& he would just acknowledge it w/an Okay or I know.
So how is this gonna keep your love bank from draining?

This is a good thing.
No, it is not.

When I asked him if he likes the way things are, he responded, "Half & half, now I have no one to talk to." I responded to him that he could talk to his friends & brothers. He said it's not the same. This is a good thing too, right?
No. This has nothing to do with the kids.

I finally had enough money to order HNHNs and SAA. I have learned so much from them both.
Great.

I am finished with HNHN & the letter inside SAA from Sue really hit home for the way my H says he feels. Should I let him read this letter?
Uh, how does this relate to the children?

It is very difficult to do Plan B and it is even more difficult to do Plan B well.
I recommend the 1st thing you do is finsh reading "Surviving An Affair".
Amny thought to calling Marriage Builders counseling to help you better understand & implement Plan B?

Chris,

When I say that this is a good thing, I mean from a biblical point of view. This means that God is moving.

Maybe I didn't explain myself well about the shoveling incident. My S was asking me all day if his dad was coming by to pick them up. He had called him earlier in the day & left a message for him. On our walk home from my mother's, which is near his room, my S & I decided together to shovel out his father's car, partially because he was supposed to come pick them up that day & another part because he does not have a shovel to do it and this is his transportation to work. I cannot be in the mindset that "that's his problem how he gets his car out". I cannot be like that. Just because I did a kind act for someone does not mean anything except I showed an act of kindness toward someone. This is what we're all called to do by Jesus himself.

I told him I loved him because the road conditions were very severe & he had gotten called in to work (one of the reasons he did not come to pick the kids up). If something were to happen to him & I did not tell him I loved him before God forbid, I would never be able to live with myself.

As far as counseling with the Harleys, I do not have $185 to hand over for 1 session on the phone. I know I will hear that it's worth it, but I need to be a good steward of my $ & pay the bills, what bills I can pay. Right now I can afford the $25/C session with the therapist I see now - which now, is not every week.

My idea of him reading that letter is to give it to him & have him read it on his own & if he wishes to discuss it, fine. Instead of him believing he's alone in feeling this way, he can relate to another & see that it really is possible to restore love after it has been lost (one of his fears).

I don't know, maybe I was wrong to try to have NC with him. Maybe I should Plan A for a little longer, no matter how much it hurts. Jesus never said it was going to be easy. It is not easy to continue to love those who do not love you back.

One of the main "ingredients" in MB is doing what you say and saying what you do (which many people don't pick up on). There should be no room for misinterpretation of your words or actions.
If you say "no contact" and then have contact, how should the ws take it when you say, "we will make our marriage better"?

I told him I loved him because the road conditions were very severe & he had gotten called in to work (one of the reasons he did not come to pick the kids up). If something were to happen to him & I did not tell him I loved him before
But you DID tell him you loved him in the letter.

I would never be able to live with myself.
I know this is just an expression but sure you would. You have a child to care for.

It is not easy to continue to love those who do not love you back.
And when they do not return what love you do show to them or disrespect you, it takes away the love you DO have so much quicker. This is why the no-contact is critical. Your love is not drained because of his actions or lack of actions toward you.

Your love will evaporate slowly (Plan B) or he will pull the plug and drain it pretty darn quickly (not doing Plan B or doing it poorly).

Is he still in an affair or you absolutely positive it has ended?

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I've read the past messages, and I think ther has been a lot of good advivce given, I am looking for some.

Me and my husband have been in limbo since Oct. 03". He's decided he's not happy and wants out. Hasn't gone. I think it is a mid-life thing. We are still living together, sleep in same bed, talk cival, no arguing, I am letting him do his thing, no complaining, etc..I admit I was an awful person to him as in lack of affection and controlling type.

I have prayed to God to heal our marriage and I am a better person. I wouldv'e reacted alot differently in the past. I know I must let him see that I am changing. He has noticed.

My main problem is that there is NOTHING being discussed. We don't talk about what is going on. ON how things can be better. I won't press the isssues because I have read enough to know that can cause things to be worse.

I would love to plan a weekend, just us. How do, or do I do that? I would love to let him know I am not giving up on this marriage, that I love him so much! It hurts to keep it in, yet I am scared to tell him. I've prayed this and asked God to tell me what to do.

I would love some advice, I just need this wonderful person to know I still care and want him to let him know that I want to help him.

I look at it as we've lost 4 months of our lives, although we weren't getting along great, I think this was an eye opener, and believe me my eyes were opened. I never realized how important some things were.

Thanks! Keep praying for me!