I think I might have just undid all that God is trying to do for this marriage. I know in the end, I can't undo His perfect will, but did I hinder it by my actions? My H & I have had such a good repoire lately that I have felt the need to talk about us more. Lately, he has been very forthcoming with a lot of thoughts & feelings from his end and we have learned so much of how the M went wrong, but yesterday I had such a deepening sense to talk to him & push a little bit. He has been sitting on the fence, not making up his mind of what he wants for this marriage & my patience is running very thin. I try so hard to wait on the Lord, to be patient, after all, love is patient. I have tried to change things within myself that the Lord has shown me need improvement. He is changing me into the wife I was meant to be, I can feel that. I have also asked God to change him into the H he was created to be. He is doing that, very slowly. I had prayed for Adam to get a stable job & that prayer came true - found that out yesterday. He starts a new job, fulltime, great benefits & more money on the 23rd. Only thing is he will be working 2nd shift so he will not see the kids like he is now. He will only see them on weekends, Sat & Sun and added to the time I want to spend with them on weekends (when I have free days), that cuts his hours down with them even further.

Yesterday I felt as if the whole world was collapsing around me & I needed to do something to stop it. I'm afraid that I took matters into my own hands. I confronted my H, I gave my rings to him, told him to sell the rings, told him that I'd give him the money from income tax to go to a lawyer - get it over & done with. That I can't take the pain anymore. I'm afraid that I completely lost it in front of him, something I haven't done yet since this all happened. Was this necessary though, I'm thinking? After the conversation, sometimes heated, calm by the end of the night, he promised me that he would go home & pray about it. He hoped that God would listen to him after everything he has done. He hoped that he hasn't made such a mess of things that God would turn his back on him the way he has turned his back on God this whole time.

My question then is was this necessary in order for him to come back to God, to turn to God for his answers instead of trying to come up with them on his own? I am so fearful that he will hear the wrong answer, he'll justify his own wishes somehow. I don't want to lose him forever. I don't want his soul to be lost forever. I am so very grateful that he is going to pray. To turn to the one person who can help him find the answer.

I know all I can do is wait now but this is so hard! All I can do today is cry & cry & cry. I'm not functioning well at all today and I feel such a deep sense of loss. I plead with God to show Adam the right path to take. I spoke to God this morning & told Him, Okay, God, you have reconciled us (meaning we are friends) & now it's time to restore. If you mind, if it pleases You, please make that time now. I can feel it within my reach. I can almost touch restoration & I don't want to lose that. I don't want to end up putting my H first again, but I miss him so much. I am so sorry God. I am so sorry for loving my H so much that I have lost sight of You in the process. I want You to be first in my life. I want to be happy without Adam, and I'm trying & I'm having such a hard time. Please renew my spirit God. Please create in me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Please help me be the person I was created to be. I believe in the Holy Ghost, the Holy Catholic Church & the communion of the Holy Spirit. I believe that Jesus Christ died for me, to take away my sin, to get me right with you Lord so I could live in paradise forever. Thank you for Your ultimate sacrifice & I will continue to praise Your name until the day I die!!!! I love you Lord with all my heart & with all my mind & with all my soul! Hallalujah!!!! Amen.

Yvette,

i am sorry you are having a tough time today. i truely hope you and Adam talk soon and he is wanting to move forward with you. Waiting is a very hard thing for me to do too. So i wanted you to know you are not alone, we are all here, post here all day if you must, keep busy as best you can. hang in there.

Dear Lord, grant Yvette peace today as she waits for Adam. Give her strength to perservere. Amen

Praise! My H was here when I got home this evening working on his studying with the kids. We haven't had a chance to talk yet, but who knows what will happen when the kids go to bed at 9. Last night he stayed until extremely late. Please pray for us.