Standing,
Bravo on your feelings towards your family.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My sister is also placing a lot of criticism on my H because she never did those things to her partner. Well, doesn't everyone have their own issues that they need to deal with? Doesn't everyone have their own sins to be forgiven for? Why is everyone so quick to judge someone else but can't "remove the plank from their own eye"? She isn't a saint, by all means. No one is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is your life, your marriage, your choice. Remember Genesis 2:24 "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body"
You get to choose your mate, not your family (or your in-laws).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, what about MY flaws? Doesn't seem they think about that. What about the things I did to cause the marriage to sour? I know it's hard to see when one of your family members makes a mistake, but this M was 50/50 and I did cause part of this breakup.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, you are taking responsibility for your actions/in-actions within the marriage. You have done this in previous postings, I know, it's just good to see that the pressure of family and trying to reconcile is not changing your convictions.

Keep up your prayers as you are in mine.
God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingTogether:
<strong> Okay guys,

We've hit a snag. Seems some of my family is not too happy that we have reconciled. I guess in their minds I should have moved on with my life and he wasn't deserving of being forgiven. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yvette, I just wanted you to know, as a mom, that this may not be the case. My son went with a girl for about 2 years +/- and about 1 yr. 3mo. into their relationship, she went out with another guy and broke up with my son. Now, I held her no specific malice, nor did I think she didn't deserve to be forgiven...but when he got back together with her, I was angry. I got together with her and spoke to her about it directly, too.

I was angry at her, not because she and my son got back together--he clearly loved her and was very happy to reunite with her. Nope, I was angry with her because she hurt my son. When they broke up, I was the one who saw him fall apart and dried his tears. I was angry with her that she could treat him like that when he was so valuable to me. I was afraid he would allow himself to be treated poorly just to keep her.

Also, having been through several affairs and lots of abuse, I know what it's like to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, and I did not want that for my child! I had hoped he would find the strength to wait for a healthy, mutually loving and beneficial relationship. You mom may have chosen to stay in her marriage even though it was rocky and hurt her every day, but I bet she hoped for better for you!

So, lovely, if your family members feel angry with him, that's how they feel. They may very well be afraid you are going to be hurt again. Maybe they've seen a pattern you haven't yet...I don't know. But it's conceivable they are looking out for your best interests, even if it is in a way that is not too spiritually mature. Thank God that you have a family that cares if you are hurt. That is a WONDEROUS gift.


CJ

I'm trying to understand this, CJ. I know they must have felt very hurt when my H left too because out of me & my sisters, and even his brothers, we were the only ones to have been married for that long. His twin brother got divorced after a year, his older brother was divorced after 10 years, and my older sister got divorced after 3 years. My younger sister has never been married although she is in a committed relationship for 2 years. I guess I didn't realize how strong they were for one, because they must have been to put their feelings aside at the moment and be there to comfort me in my time of need when all this was taking place.

For two, I admire them for voicing their concerns. They do love me very much, like you said and I guess I have to realize that they are doing this out of love for me. But, what gets me is the fact that they supposedly love my H as well. My mother would pray daily for him to return and now he has, and I guess all the hurt is catching up to her as well. My younger sister & him used to be best friends and now she believes he's changed into a person she never knew & she's having a hard time forgiving him for everything that's happened. I pray that relationship is healed quickly. I hate to see a friendship of 10 years fade away because of people's errors.

My older sister has not been treating him differently. She is concerned, mostly about the kids, and thinks I'm walking back into this blinded by "love". She has extended the hand of Christian love toward him and for that, I am very thankful to her. I am very thankful to all of my family members for loving me that much that they're so concerned. Like I said, we are very close, and I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I lost my H once, I don't want to lose the rest of my family now because I'm trying to make my M work.

I guess I just didn't realize how very hurt everyone was, still is, and I have to come to the realization (which I am) that EVERYONE needs to time to heal from this and get back to a "normal" life, not just me, my H & the kids.

Thanks CJ for opening my eyes a little further to see their hurt, not just my own. They are Christians like me so I know, with God's help, and a lot of prayer, that things will get better between all of us. I just need to have faith.

Yvette,
I don't remember the exact quote, or who said it, so I may be WAY off. "A divorce affects more than 63 people." That's amazing and sad. Keep up the good work on restoring your marriage, on letting Him restore your marriage.

God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

Yvette,

Speaking purely for myself here, I can remember feeling EXTREMELY hurt when my exH's family just abandoned me when we separated. At the time, I honestly loved them--in fact, I was closer to my mother-in-law than my own mother! I was their daughter for fourteen years, and suddenly they didn't care one bit about me. They also sure as heck did not stand up to my exH and tell him that he was wrong!

I couldn't believe it!! How could they not tell him that having an affair was wrong?? How could they not tell him that he had responsibilities and to grow up and get back to his family?? I was his faithful wife for fourteen years, and I truly loved their son, and they never once stood up for me...why?

Well, being a mom, I understand a little better now. I can honestly say that if my son or daughter were to have an affair, I would DEFINITELY tell them to stop immediately and go home to their family. No, I would not support them in their affair--nor would I "accept" the lover. NO WAY!

BUT...having been through my son's breakup with his girlfriend of two years, I can say that as a mom it kills ya to see your own child hurt and hurting. It builds a lot of resentment when the person your child loves cheats on them and devastates them. It's like watching someone who love die without the mercy of dying at the end--it just goes on and on and on.

So, I'm with you. Don't get angry at your family for being apprehensive for you. They are afraid he will do it again and you will be devastated again. They aren't sure if they can live through it again. They are concerned that you are looking through "hopeful" glasses rather than seeing the reality. And you're right--they need to heal just as much as you do. Each one of them is recovering from this in their own way, and for each one of them, he will need to rebuild some of the love and trust that they had together.

When my son and his girlfriend re-united, I spoke to her directly about it, remember?? She let me be angry with her and we worked it out. As more time went by, and she was being a good girlfriend to my son, I gradually grew to love her again and started to trust her again. I'm sure you mom and sisters loved your H and were very hurt (on your behalf) by what happened--but given some time and some behavior on his part that shows he's choosing you and not going anywhere--they'll start to feel safe loving him again. Give 'em some time!!

HUGS!!!!


CJ

Praises to update this morning! My H finally said the words I've been longing to hear for 6 months. I love you. I asked him if he was sure he meant it and he responded that he knew he loved me when he was missing me at work and couldn't wait to get home that night to see me! PTL!

One thing we're trying to figure out. Our MC suggested that we do something big as a celebration of our new beginning together as new people. We're stuck for ideas. We were thinking of renewing our vows, our own this time, but then we thought the way the family is reacting right now, that probably would not be best. Of course, we could do it by ourselves, but I think we'll save that for our 25th anniversary like we wanted to do from the beginning. Does anyone have a suggestion? We got a new puppy, and he got a new car, but we need to do something together to signify the changes that we both have made.

I've also been contemplating posting for a while. It seems that I have praises to sing all the time right now and I read these posts that are so filled with pain and I rethink that. I believe it is my duty now to give back to this board everything you've given to me and that was lots of love and encouragement. I hear all of your turmoil and I see that these marriages are not restored yet and I wonder why me? Why was I one of the lucky ones? Why was I so blessed? I don't have an answer and then I feel like I'm bragging when I say what good things are happening in my M. I want to apologize to everyone if it seems at any time that I'm....what's the word? Gloating?? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I hope not!!!! I truly am not. I feel so very blessed to having "met" all of you and I just want to reach out to every one of you and give you the biggest cyber {{{{hugs}}}}. I just know that God has such big plans for every single one of you. And Faithful, I applaud you on your efforts to help those restore their Ms and THEMSELVES even when you're hurting in your own life. It seems that you've been through quite an ordeal from the posts you have made and I want to give you lots of hugs {{{{{{CJ}}}}}}} and a very big THANK YOU for keeping me focused on my God and my real purpose.

God bless you all today and forevermore!!!!

I agree with your MC to do something to commemorate your newness together. Here are quite a few brainstorm ideas to get you two thinking--pick one you like and modify it to fit you:

1) Buy eternity bands and give them to each other privately--you will know what they mean.

2) Plan a tree with a small ceremony--preferably a tree that will take YEARS to grow, so that your tree can be a living testament in your front yard of years of growth and dependability and life.

3) Plan a ceremony with your kids/family/friends who want to commemmorate--include things that mean something to you, like burning love letters that should be burned and using the ashes to plant a bleeding heart bush.

4) Get each other family necklaces or Best Friend necklaces or other family jewelry that you can use as symbols that work for you.

5) Take a mini-honeymoon, like newlyweds who need a little private time to get their new lives going together.

6) Go to the justice of the peace--just you two--and elope!

7) Write promises to each other...not big, grandiose vows, but promises of how you are willing to meet each other's needs, invest your time and energy, and avoid hurtful habits.

8) Make a new family tradition that you celebrate on the day he came back home--kinda like a birthday, with a cake, a fancy dinner, and sexy adult presents!

9)Create a new holiday or a new tradition, like "every Sunday is OUR day" or "the 6th of each month is Goofy Presents day".

10) Select a new hobby that you BOTH have always wanted to learn and never took the time to do--and choose to do it now. Want to learn how to water ski? Skeet shoot? Go to car shows or dog shows? Bowling? Golf? Square Dancing? Now is the time to invest some of your money in you two as a couple.


I think that will get your creative juices flowing. Have fun!!


CJ

These are some great ideas Faithful. Thanks! I'm going to mention them to him tonight. Hope he goes for something along those lines! I kind of like the idea of eloping - so mysterious and impulsive (just the way he likes to be!). I've always been somewhat of an "uptight" person. I'm trying to learn how to be more carefree and fun. One thing my H told me was that I was very boring (I'm sure he meant that in a "lovable" way YEAH RIGHT!) so I'm trying to loosen up a bit. I think that might be the reason everyone's getting their panties in an uproar - because I'm not being the "predictable" Yvette and they don't quite know how to take that. I've always done "what is expected" of me, even when that goes against something I really enjoy. I've never wanted anyone "mad" at me for making what they view as the wrong decision. In the process, I've been living my life for everyone else and not ENJOYING my life. Sometimes I just want be reckless, nothing disastrous, just a little nutty. But of course, this would go against my "character" and others around me would look down upon it. Then I feel totally guilty. One thing I have made a decision on, and that's not to let other people sway me into their way of thinking. This time around, I'm going to enjoy my life and not really worry about what anyone else thinks. I mean, as long as I'm not hurting anyone, what does it matter? I'm tired of being people's doormat and I want to let people know that I'm making the right choices for ME. The only person I have to please in this world is God and God only, not my mom, my sisters, or my friends. I know I may sound a little peteeved(?) but I'm tired of being told what to do and how to do it. NO MORE!!!