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#345044 02/19/04 09:10 AM
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As of last night, my husband & I agreed to start our road to recovery. Praise the Almighty God! God has answered my prayers to lead H home. H sat with me & filled out all MB questionnaires, agreed to go to MC next week & to start spending RC together. He also has agreed to write the NC letter with my help. I know this will be a very hard road to follow, but with God as the focal point now, as it should be, we will overcome this battle & come out victorious! Thank you to all of you on MB. All my friends! I love you all & I thank God for all of you coming in to my life! God bless you! S&C, I'd like to thank you most of all for being an inspiration to keep having faith & praying for strength to endure.

#345045 02/19/04 10:02 AM
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PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

God IS wonderful, isn't He? I am so happy to hear this. I will pray for your full recovery. God Bless!!!

H98

#345046 02/19/04 10:46 AM
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\0/ Praise be to Our Heavenly Father! \O/

That is great news SFM. I will still keep you in my prayers as you start down this new road.

Father, We thank you for softening SFM's H's heart and allowing Your Love in. Remind them to look to You first when problems occur and surround them in the Glory of Your Rainment, protecting them from evil influences. This we ask through Your Precious Son, Jesus. Amen.

ttsmm

#345047 02/19/04 11:38 AM
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Wait while I close my door...

Standing...

You have so blessed me today. Thank you.

I have been trying to stay away for a while. The stuff I see here just rips at my heart sometimes.

But to come back and see your post; I literally get tears of joy. I am so very happy for you. And if the Lord has been good enough to allow me to be a part of that; so much the better.

BTW - Just to let you know. My inspiration; are my parents, who celebrate their 50th Annivesary today. Vietnam, tours in Korea and Japan, business successes and failures. They've been through a lot. Not to mention the stuff I don't know about.

Bless you, your H and your M. Keep in touch if you want; e-mail is good. It's in my link.

S&C

#345048 02/19/04 05:57 PM
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Yvette,

I totally agree with S&C. It is an absolute joy to hear you tell your story. I would give you a great big brotherly hug if you were here. We all have shared a victory because you are such a part of us. It also should encourage others to not give up, not to lose hope. Sometime let your hubby read down thru these posts and let him see the heartache, the ups a downs of our emotions, and how sweet a report like yours is!!! I believe the Holy Spirit would speak to him if you did.

Now we need to get another marriage saved. I would like to see Trying's next. It would be so neat to see God do a miracle in that home. God, send Your mighty power down on that home!!! But of course I want to see all of the marriages saved soon. And then me Lord! Don't forget little ole me!!!! I will be last Lord, if You will bless all these other marriages according to Your will! Thanks Jesus!

God Bless You All!!!
sg

#345049 02/19/04 09:12 PM
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Thank you all for your replies! I love you all so much! :TEARS: I don't know how I would have survived all this without each and every one of you's encouragement & support. Holding me accountable for any actions, giving me an encouraging word, lifting me up in prayer, I can't thank you enough! I am so overjoyed, so overcome with emotions today I don't know what to do! Sometimes I want to cry, like right now, then other times, I just want to keep praising His name over & over & over. God has shown us the path to go down, & we must follow it. His way, not ours. This is so very hard because we as humans tend to want to do things our way. That selfish pride of ours! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

S&C,
I tried to go to the link, but I didn't find any e-mail address. Is there something I should look for? And Happy Anniversary to your parents! That's my goal for my H & I - to be one of the golden couples on our local TV station celebrating 50 yrs of M! Wouldn't that be glorious?

Thank you for the compliment, sg. It touched me. I kept thinking I was taking & taking & not giving back. I have felt like I was being so selfish, thinking about my own needs & wants. But please know that I have been praying for each & every one of you since I found this forum. I too pray that Trying sees some kind of breakthrough in his M. I am very concerned for him right now & my heart grieves for him & his family.

I am so overjoyed right now but I also see how much heartache is still out there & it grieves me beyond words. It fills me with sadness to know that so many homes are broken right now & I pray that God gives each person standing for their M, peace & contentment.

#345050 02/19/04 11:59 PM
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Yvette,

From the first day you posted on the Prayer Forum you have contributed to the recovery of others. We are very glad you are here.

My e-mail address is located at the bottom of the first post in my link. But here's the address for you. sandc_mb@hotmail.com. E-mail me anytime.

Bless you and your H.

S&C

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

#345051 02/20/04 03:13 PM
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Hello Standing,
Praise God for your miracle and thank you for being here for all of us!
All of us here will be answered soon - God's time. We can not make it any sooner. God has to have a porthole to go through and our spouses must accept God for him to do his work. Some take longer. I know God has an awful job getting through my WS, but I am willing to wait for his promise!
Single I hope you and TTSMM are ahead of me in line as you both have waited longer than me.

God Bless all of you

#345052 02/20/04 03:49 PM
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Hey guys and gals. Go to www.gwwm.com. There is a book there called " It Only Takes One". This guy was divorced and ended up remarrying her. It tells the story, and might help someone here.

God Bless
sg

#345053 02/20/04 04:45 PM
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SG,

I've mentioned this website to my H & he has shown an interest but he has not checked it out yet, probably due to his work schedule. I would like to sit down with him this weekend & let him read through the posts though & hopefully, prayerfully, he'll consider joining too to get encouragement for his end. He really does need someone godly to talk to as those whom he has trusted over the years have always repeated things that were supposed to be held in confidence.

One thing I am concerned with - he is not too happy about writing a NC letter to OW. He wants to just call her & tell her goodbye. How will he see that this is an essential part of the healing process? That this would be a HUGE boost to regaining trust from my end. I have to give him kudos though, because when he realized he needs to be held accountable for his actions, I wanted him to check in with me, call me, etc. to know his whereabouts & that nature. Give me a sense of peace, I guess? He wasn't too happy about that either. He didn't want to be treated like a "child" (one of our other problems among many). The next day though, he did call me at work to "check in" and chatted with me for a while before he left for work. He also has been letting me know what he's going to be doing in the morning before he has to go to work & who he's going to be with. Now, should I ask for phone #'s of these two people (guy friends) he's made friends with while he was gone? I hate checking up on him & having to know every detail. I keep saying to myself that the only person I can fully put my trust in is God. That my H is very human & I cannot trust him completely although I want to. I don't believe I can just go by blind faith though. I know that faith is in things unseen, but God also says not put our faith in man.

S&C and LNC,
Thanks for making me feel so special! AW SHUCKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

#345054 02/23/04 10:04 PM
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Wow! When I came home today H socks, underwear, personal toiletries, were all in a bag on the couch! I can't believe this is actually happening! PTL!!!!

Why am I so scared? I am so nervous about all of this. I find myself wanting to rush into things again, and I have to keep telling myself to take baby steps, this is a process, a long process. If I waited for him to return, then I can wait for the Lord to work while he's here. But why do I have this sense of fear coming over me? I keep fearing that therapy will not work. Lord, rebuke and bind Satan please! He is filling my head with so many doubts and fears! Help me Lord! Friends???

We did go out on a "date" Saturday and had a fabulous time and Sunday was a very relaxful day with the kids and then we had some alone time and went shopping for pool tables. This is one of the things we enjoy doing together (need to get in that RC time).

He is very adamant about not writing the NC letter though. He claims that she has called him twice last week while he was down here all week and he didn't return her calls. I'm finding myself not being able to trust what he tells me even though he has been honest with me about everything else since before Christmas. Should I just close my eyes and step out on faith again with him? I get so confused. This is what I wanted, God's handing it to me and yet I feel so scared. Help, my friends!

#345055 02/25/04 12:26 AM
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Hey, Yvette,

It is reasonable and normal for you to feel afraid and a little untrusting right now--you are openning up and risking your heart again with someone who has already hurt you once. I'm not a big advocate of putting on rose-colored glasses and "pretending" that you two are fine, because in reality you are not fine. But you ARE better and walking toward a goal of reconciliation! YAY!!

One of the things that is often hard for the WS's to understand is that they need to be held accountable for their time, money and phones. They often feel like the BS's are "controlling" them and say stuff like, "Just trust me! I'm not a child!" But there are very specific steps that need to be taken in order to heal both YOU and HIM.

Yvette, it is reasonable for you to not trust him regarding the OW right now. He lied and covered up in the past, and did a good job blaming you for doubting him even though he actually WAS lying! Anyway, if you take out the in-love, marriage component, let me ask you this: if a very good, close friend of yours lied to you and stole some of your money, would you trust them right away? Nope. You would expect them to earn back your trust over some time. You'd expect them to apologize to you and be completely honest with you...then pay you back...then stay away from any of your financial transactions or money in the house...then slowly you might trust them with a couple bucks...and if they were reliable with that you might trust them a little more...until slowly the close friend would be right back where they were and maybe even MORE trustworthy. Can you see that Yvette?? If a friend lied to you and covered up that they stole from you, you would not just give them free and full trust with your next bank deposit in cash, would you?

So then why do WS's pressure BS's to "just trust them" and BS's say to themselves "maybe I should? Am I being bad if I don't?"

This is simple, hon. You are not required to trust him, and he does not have the inalienable right to your trust. It is reason for you to say, "This is what it will take for you to earn back my trust, and I will keep sticking my neck out and risking it as long as you keep earning more and more." That is guarding your heart. It is reasonable to want access to his computer and to all his email addresses...it is reasonable to want access to his cell bill...it is reasonable to want to roughly know his schedule and be able to "check" that he is where is said he was going to be...it is reasonable to look at his mail.

Yvette, you have nothing to hide, right? Would you be upset if he read the notes in your email right now? Is there anything in there that would hurt him or be disrespectful? If there is, then you know what to do. Is there any reason you wouldn't want him to see who you've called on your cell phone? Would you feel constricted if he knew most of your daily schedule and periodically made sure that you were actually where you said you were going to be? How about if he read your mail? Would it bother you or be secretive or anything? Shoot, girl, I'm so in the open that YOU could read my email, look at my cell bill, and read my mail! haha!!

Anyway, I hope you see my point. What you are asking for is very reasonable and not demanding in the least. There is a difference between privacy and secretive.

Now, "Be strong and of a good courage. Be not afraid neither be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wheresoever you go."


CJ

#345056 02/25/04 01:15 AM
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Yvette,

That is wonderful news! God is obviously working.

Try to give your fears to Him and let Him work in your husband's life/heart in His time. It is easy, in the excitement, to want everything "perfect" right now... but if your husband is not ready for something (like coming to MB), you might end up "pushing" him. So, try, try, try to be patient. It's not easy. The Lord can help you though.

Keep giving those fears to the Lord. Fight them with Scripture. Memorize it and when you feel fears, doubts, worries, quote them. Scripture is a weapon because it is the truth and when you dwell on the truth, you won't believe the lies!

I'm really not sure what to tell you about the NC letter. Keep praying about it and apply wisdom... search the Scriptures and apply them. I pray that God gives you wisdom!

#345057 02/25/04 09:33 PM
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You two are so right. Finally, an example of the trusting a friend issue has already happened to me. I love my cousin to death, we're very close, but he has stolen from family members before. This makes me distrust him so whenever he stays over at my house, I am on guard and wouldn't put it past him to steal from me even though we are so close. I suppose then it is the same thing with my H. I believe he understands this. He tells me over & over that he knows I cannot trust him, that he doesn't trust himself, but he's unsure of what kind of plan to come up with to gain that trust back. He has been "checking in" with me every day during the week, calling me at work, letting me know his schedule, etc. so I know where he's at. He has been true to his word so far since he's been back. For instance, he told me he would go to therapy and did go with me today. If you remember before, he would tell me (while he was living alone) that he would go but then wouldn't go, leaving me all disappointed & frustrated. He is going now so that makes me feel better, more relaxed that maybe he does mean what he says when he says he wants to work on things. He keeps telling me that he has not had contact with her since he agreed to come back, that she knows he wants to work things out with me, & he hasn't returned any of her phone calls. Pretty soon he will be completely moved back in here & his other phone will be shut off. She does not have this # and as far as I know, he will not give it to her (he has shown respect in that area). He does not understand the point of the NC letter. His point is that he could send this letter but that doesn't necessarily mean that I can trust him to keep his word. He could very well end up calling her while I'm at work & tell her to forget the letter, he wants to see her. He says he won't do that, but that is just an example. He is right. I do not know if he is being true & not calling her from our home. I cannot hire a PI & check his every move so some degree of trust needs to be there. He just doesn't know what point it has to write this letter. Maybe he's right. He hasn't told me nor acted like I'm treating him like a child. He understands the reasoning behind the check-ins, the distrust, etc. He knows he has broken that trust bond & admitted that he feels extremely badly that I cannot trust him, that he has caused that & he wants to make amends for that. He wants to earn that trust back but he knows this will take a lot of time. He wants to take things slowly, not rush into anything. That's why he was sleeping on the couch. He was not ready to jump back in to share a bed with me. Last night he did come to bed though, so we are moving in the right direction.

He says we are taking steps forward but it will take some time. I know that I probably am trying to "rush" things. He says he is interested in taking a look at the MB site & meeting all of you, but he will do it "someday". Why isn't this answer good enough for me? Someday to me could be a year from now or something. I would like him to take an interest in the friends that I've made on this site. He does want to hear about the messages that have been posted though. He enjoys hearing me talk about all of you & especially the guinea pig comments from the other thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He really enjoyed those!

We are also learning how to communicate with one another without attacking each other, really listening to the other without interrupting, things like that. And in therapy today, my H was quite talkative, unlike before he left when he would clam up because he was afraid of what I might say. He really wants to be totally honest, even if it means hurting my feelings unintentionally. I have to learn how to hear the things that I don't want to hear without feeling attacked personally. He is just expressing himself, I have to remember that. How else am I supposed to know how he feels unless he can be totally open with me? Otherwise, we will fall into the same pattern that led us here to begin with - he knew I wanted to hear I love you all the time and he gave that to me when all the while he wasn't feeling it. He was afraid to tell me because I would get angry or upset so in turn he ended up hiding his true feelings.

I am so thankful that he has agreed to work on this M. That God has answered my prayer of reconciliation and that we are on the road to complete restoration. I have to trust God. He led my H back home, now He will guide us the rest of the way.

Thanks for listening ladies. You really helped me see things a little more clearly.

#345058 02/26/04 09:02 AM
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Yvette,

Hey Sis,for the most part it seems that your marriage relatioship is making some major advances towards healing and recovery. Since the girls have answered your concerns so well! Thank God for our girls on this forum! I will just add what I feel needs to be said. I think your hubby is not understanding the significance of the letter to the OW. All of his points are valid from his point of view. But what he doesn't see is your need for security, and I think that is the real reason that you NEED the letter to be written. And I agree!!! Tell him that the letter may not get sent right away, but you need it for your peace of mind. Tell him that you appreciate all he is doing to be trustworthy, but the two of you sitting down and writing the letter will take your intimacy to the next level. Tell him that he is doing this purely for you! And you can tell him that I will be glad to converse with him here if he would want to. Tell him I am not here to judge him. Just to help him to possibly see things from a new perspective. Yes must realize I might learn some things about you I didn't know. But I don't feel you have anything too scary in your closet. Do YOU????? Just joking!

So anyway, at this time, I am just glad for you. If he is keeping you posted as much as he is, that is good. Why don't you go to www.loveandrespect.com and look around a little. Most men need help with intimacy. Maybe you will see something there that will help!

God Bless You Yvette

sg

#345059 02/26/04 05:45 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hey Sis,for the most part it seems that your marriage relatioship is making some major advances towards healing and recovery </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good to hear this. It makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that from someone else's perspective we're moving forward. Thanks. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank God for our girls on this forum! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN TO THAT!!!! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But what he doesn't see is your need for security, and I think that is the real reason that you NEED the letter to be written.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've tried this, to no avail. I don't think he truly understands from my perspective. I don't know how to get him to see that. I haven't done this to him, so he won't understand.

I don't want to create strife, but I feel so strongly about this. He even asked the therapist if he thought it was a good idea. That maybe the therapist could explain it better of why this letter needs to be written. The therapist told him that that was something we had to decide for ourselves. Although he is a pro-marriage counselor (he would never tell someone to divorce their spouse), he has never heard of the MB program. This makes it very hard. I have been reading a book called, A Christian's Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage. The C has made a lot of points taken from this book (I can tell by what he says). I do believe that God is directing this C's words, but I don't think my H is hearing them all too well. I really can't complain about too much, because, like I said, H is going to C and he seems very sincere in his efforts to try to save this M, to restore trust and try to gain back the love that was lost. I really appreciate and admire him for being totally honest with me, not hiding anything, which is the way it should be. Sometimes the human part of me though, wishes that he would have experienced some of the pain that I have experienced to truly understand where I'm coming from. Is that awful?? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks sg for your reply. It helps coming from a man's perspective. I'll try to get him to come on here & talk to you, but I can't promise anything. He has repeated over & over he will not be forced into anything, persuaded, whatever. He will make the moves into things when he feels ready to do so, not before. This is a smart move because then he would feel "obligated" to do certain things instead of truly wanting to do them from his heart.

#345060 02/27/04 11:07 AM
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Yvette,

Yes, we do as humans wish that people could really understand how we felt, and that it would be good for them to experience our pain. But I will say that God always seems to send someone who HAS or really has compassion for us. Look, God sent us to you didn't He? We know your pain!

I think your situation is moving along nicely compared to some of the others I read elsewhere. Put your hand in God's hand, and everything else in God's hands. Just so you know, I don't have a computer at home purposely!!! I see these posts at 1 and 2 AM, and wonder why aren't these people in bed!!! I want a life away from computers in the evening. I like to walk, and play with my 2 grandsons, Dawson, and Austin! We are the three Amigo's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> And I love the daylights out of both of them. We are buddies!!!

But if you need to ask a question, or want an opinion....

God Bless
sg

#345061 02/27/04 11:16 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see these posts at 1 and 2 AM, and wonder why aren't these people in bed!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cause for some of us it's only 9 or 10 pm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Yvette.

Bless ya both.

S&C

#345062 02/28/04 12:31 AM
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SFM,
That is such great news to hear. I can understand your H's not wanting to send the NC letter. But, he needs to understand that even if there were problems in the M before the A, he cheated, you DIDN'T. He borke your trust in him and he NEEDS to regani it.

When my W suspected my A, but wasn't confirmed, she would always ask me where I was, and would SNIFF me when I came home. I knwe I wasn't cheating anymore, but it made me angry. After I confirmed her suspicions, that continued and I made a big deal over it. I said apologized and said I would never cheat again, because not only did it hurt you and destroy our M, but it is also too much to keep the lies straight. Now I wish she would sniff me again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your H needs to realize that you need to know his whereabouts all the time because you WANT to trust him again.

If he comes here, send him my way and I will give him my opinion (very humble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) of how you are feeling and WHY you are requesting the NC and every thing else.

Side note: Is god working in my M? 2 days ago Marie was ill but stil went to work with no voice. She calls me when she got to work to tell me that she made some really good soup and to have some. Yesterday, she made pizza and she spent time cutting herbs and veggies on my slices.

May God hold your face in his hands,
ttsmm

#345063 02/27/04 11:07 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by singleguy:
<strong> Just so you know, I don't have a computer at home purposely!!! I see these posts at 1 and 2 AM, and wonder why aren't these people in bed!!! I want a life away from computers in the evening. I like to walk, and play with my 2 grandsons, Dawson, and Austin! We are the three Amigo's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> And I love the daylights out of both of them. We are buddies!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, sg, I post now and then at 1 or 2am, and you know why I'm not in bed? Because during the morning I want to be with my children and get them ready for school. During the day, I go to work and do a job that honors God. In the evening, I pick up my kids from school, do homework, make dinner, and listen to their music. At night, I play with my dogs and talk to my friends and loved ones and extended, created family. Finally, I have a commitment to the folks here on this forum to sign on and share the walk. For me it is an important duty to serve my brothers and sisters, and the only time I can sign on is after I've also fulfilled my family commitments and played with my kids!

Then and only then can I sign in and play with y'all! haha

***********

Miss Yvette,

Just so you know, what sg wrote to you is a gold mine. It is completely reasonable for you to crave the security and reassurance that the NC letter stands for; however, do not fall for a trap that I fell for. When my exH had his big A, he treated me so meanly and hurt me so much that I felt as if our marriage vows were broken. In my eyes, the behavior of the A smashed the promise between us, so I thought that if we renewed our vows, it would recreate the vow or renew the promise--like a phoenix rising out of the ashes, a new vow would be made from the death of the old one.

WELL...years went by and we never renewed our vows, and I kept pestering about it (periodically, not all the time) and it just never got done. Finally, I decided to just accept it and be disappointed--he did not want to or was not willing to do this for me. Honestly, it's not the most godly attitude,but I was bummed because it would have helped me heal a LOT and it seemed like he did not want to do what would was in my best interest.

Finally, after giving up hope, one day he asked me why I wasn't pestering him anymore and I told him the truth (which of course, he did not like). So, he booked a trip and a small chapel and we went and renewed our vows.

I remember at the time thinking, "I thought this would be a great healing event in our marriage, and instead it feels like a resentment." He was even grouchy after the vows!

See, Yvette, I fell for a trap. I thought that renewing vows meant, "I love you again" and "I'm in love with you" and "I choose you again over every other woman" and "Let's heal this rift between us" and "You are valuable and loved to me" because to me, I would not SAY vows if I did not feel those kind of things. However, saying those words were just saying words and just going through the motions.

It is easy to focus in on a certain "specific" action or thing we want our spouse to do, thinking that doing that thing will cure something. In reality, it's not so much that specific action--its the day-to-day loving actions that heal or destroy. My exH did finally go through with technically renewing the vows, but it was out of resentment to shut me up--not out of loving day-to-day behavior that he wanted to express in a formal setting before God. July 1st we renewed our vows, and on Thanksgiving Day just a few months later, I found out he was cheating again.

I think an NC letter is important for your security, but don't clamp down on that as the ONLY way of demonstrating loving security. How does your hubby intend to SHOW YOU that you are secure? He may surprise you, and it may be in small loving ways every day.

Okay??


CJ

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