Hello Friends and Fellow Travelers,

I am not new to Marriage Builders but have, for reasons I hope to make clear, chosen to begin a new MB journey among Christians with a new name ~ one that relfects my change in direction (I hope).

I have wanted to come to this section of the boards for so long, but haven't felt worthy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have been a very distant Christian, and have dabbled in some things that have taken me away from the Lord, not closer to Him. I have shared some of my "new-found" knowledge with the board at large, and have wondered afterwards if I led someone who was striving for a relationship with God to move away from Him instead. It's not that I'm so important, but rather, that I was a bad testimony. You see, I used to be quite a prolific poster in my day, and had many who read and responded to my threads. I hope that doesn't sound conceited, I don't mean it to.

I have been going through some very bad times in my life recently, much of it as a confused, whirling, crazy-woman. I know that God is not the author of confusion, and have been asking Him for clarity. I believe I have begun to see some light, and have been led by God to come and seek support here. Hopefully I can offer some as well.

There will be some among the board who may realize who I am, and I ask that my anonymity be respected. I am not hiding from my H or my friends, but rather from my enemies. I do not say this in paranoia, but rather as someone who has had her character ripped to shreads and has also felt threatened by some real life people who know me here by my other name. I promise I am not exaggerating. There is a dark force to be reckoned with in my life. I suppose that could be said of many, if not all Christians, now that I think about it. Satan certainly has strongholds.

As I embark on this journey, I would like to ask for prayer and some real and tangible exercises I can do to bring myself closer to God. I understand prayer is so important, as is meditation, but I find both nearly impossible to do right now. My head is swimming with my problems and all that happens is I cry out. I know there is value in that sometimes, but not all the time. I feel far away from God and far away from the things of God. I need a church, but am afraid to commit to one. I need peace, but find none. I guess what I need is a first step, to get going on the road to recovery.

Help!?

Over and Out ~of the Darkness~

Out of Darkness,

Your name speaks volumes. You have finally seen the light! Praise be to God for that! Yes, there is a reason you were led here. Yes, we will encourage you as you start your journey towards God. Do not worry about how long you have been apart from God, the important thing is, you have found your way back to Him again. It's good to hear you realize the sins you have committed and I pray that you will accept Jesus into your heart, your life right now. He is the only way to true salvation!

You're looking for the first step to recovery and that would be it. What I mentioned above. Read scripture, ask God to allow it to speak to you very powerfully & convict you of your sin so you know what you need to change within yourself to make yourself be all God wants. Ask Him to create in you a new heart, one filled with love & kindness & ask Him to forgive you of your sins. This is first and foremost.

If you need any encouragement or need scriptures to be referred to or anyone to talk to privately, please let me know & I will be glad to give you my e-mail address. My prayers are with you. Hold on! It's going to be a bumpy ride but with Jesus at the lead, it sure will be worth it at the end of the journey! God bless you!

Out of the Darkness,
Welcome Home.
IMVHO, the first step is SURRENDER. Lay your problems at His feet. Ask His forgiveness. Tell Him, "Lord, I can not do this (my life, my marriage, my career, whatever it is) on my own. Please help me." If you are truly sincere of heart, look out for the signs He will show you that He is listening. Not neccessarily answering your prayers the way YOU want (remember, He knows what is best for all of us), but He is always listening. And when you tell Him you need His help, He is even more happy (beyond our own imagination) because one of His children is coming home. Remember The Prodigal Son.

This past Tuesday we had a Franciscan Friar do a lecture on "The Healing Images of God", great preparation for lent He said many things that were interesting. One in particular is that when we are really down (whatever emotion/situation that is) pray, pray, pray. Don't think God is too busy to listen to my prayers, because when you do that, it is blasphamy. You are telling God, the creator of ALL, that He can't handle your problems and those of everyone else he created.

Then as SFM stated, READ THE SCRIPTURES. Get into the Bible. I read about 30-45 or more every night, though I miss some nights <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . If something really hits you in His Word, find other sources (books, tapes, etc.) to further it. For myself the two biggest points in the Bible that struck me were; when Jesus says "I AM", just as the Lord said to Moses. The second one was the fruits of the Holy Spirit; those nine gifts, I want so much (especially Patience, Self-Control and Joy). So I bought a book about the fruits and I am constantly checking around for info on names of God.

As for your looking for a church. Date several. Just like when you were dating, looking for that perfect mate, do the same with a church. Check different ones out. See how you fit in with them; see how they will fit in with you. The importance of a church is that we both give and receive from/to it. Once you have a church, you become part of the Body of Christ. So take your time finding the right one by chekcing out many. For myself, I have mostly gone with the local parish, being a Catholic, and have lucked out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Although, I did attend one church in NYC while living in NJ, for over two years (about 25 miles oneway) each Sunday. in fact my W and I loved the pastor and the "feeling" there, we had our wedding ceremony there.

Sorry, for the long, long response. I am speaking from my heart, which is listening to the Holy Spirit.

Again,
Welcome Home!

May God hold your face in His Hands when you are feeling hurt and alone,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

Hi Standing_for_M and tryingTOsaveMYmarriage,

Thank you so much for your responses.

I logged in to see if anyone responded, although I should be taking my trials and tribulations to the Lord in prayer. I really know how to heap the guilt on myself, which is another difficulty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I appreciate your words of wisdom and know that they are true. I chose my name because I want to be out of the darkness, but I am not there yet. I have the book -Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On- by Stormie Omartian, and it's what made me choose my name. I want enough light to see where I'm going. I feel lost and alone.

Confessing my sins is first, and I have done that many, many times ~ in fact, sometimes for the same sin over and over(see the problem with guilt I explained above).

My biggest sin was turning away from His care and making decisions for myself without His leading. I am living with the consequences of those decisions even still, years later. I think I ask for forgiveness over and over because I am reaping the consequences over and over. I hadn't thought of that until just now when I wrote it. Maybe God is already trying to tell me something.

I also want to say that although I am not trying to hide from my H, I am hesitant to share this new identity with him. (He reads MB sometimes and knows my other name, of course.) You see, although he is a believer in Christ (he is Catholic but doesn't go to church anymore, I do not subscribe to a particular denomination, just Christian) he is afraid that I will get tangled up in a church emotionally, and he doesn't want that to happen. It's happened before. I tend to get excited, overly so, and join everything and over-extend myself.

This is a problem in our marriage. I wouldn't say we're "unequally yoked" since our basic beliefs are very close to the same, but I do feel that he doesn't understand what I feel is missing from our lives ~ God's guidance. Actually, this is one of many subtle problems in our marriage, possibly all tied together. I have a lot to think about.

(Added two hours later) I prayed, I surrendered, I begged God for His forgiveness. It was hard, I cried, I moaned and didn't know what to say. But I did it. I also took out one of my Bibles and a Christian book on self-esteem. I don't think I'm ready for the book yet, but I will read a few verses of the Bible. I just wanted to share this.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: Out of the Darkness ]</small>

Welcome OutofDarkness,

Your post is really filled with much humility and it sounds as if God has been working in your life and heart. How good that is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just a few quick comments in reply to your post:

You mentioned you have not felt "worthy." The truth is... none of us are. We are all sinners in desperate, dire need of God, His mercy, and His love. I have been reading the gospels recently, after finishing my very first reading of the entire New Testament (which shames me to say that because I have been a Christian for 20 years and have just now read it in its entirity), and just weeping... so aware of my sin and my need of God. The more I pray, the more I seek Christ, the more I know of Him.... the more I am aware of my need for Him, the more I thirst for Him, the more I am aware of my sin and the truly amazing grace that saves me!

May you also be aware of this amazing grace that saves you.... that God feely offers to all of us.

Your post blesses me and reminds me that God works in people's lives, to change them and to heal them. I have unsaved family members who I have prayed for for years... longing to see a change... and your testimony reminds me, and all of us, that God does still work in lives and still draws people to Him (or back to Him).

You are correct that God is not the author of confusion, and as you continue to seek Him... through prayers, Bible study, fellowship with other Christians, feeding your mind and soul on His truths... you will be "armed" to battle the confusion that might either come from Satan or from your own emotions. It says in Scripture that our hearts are "deceitfully wicked" and we often are our own worst enemies because we don't "hide" His Word in our hearts and thus, we are fighting a battle completely unarmed. Satan attacks us with lies,and if we are not armed, those arrows (lies) will penetrate our hearts and we will be confused... wanting to know the Lord, yet our minds filled with lies.

The more you draw near to God, the more that light in your life exposes the darkness... the lies, confusion, deceptions, etc.

God is good and He loves you more than you can imagine or grasp. You say that you "feel" far from God and you cannot find peace. Persevere. Keep pressing on... keep seeking Him... He is there and He is near you. All you need to do is call out to Him. He is there. It is not easy... it is a journey and it will "cost" you, but there is no life apart from Christ... and in the midst of the battle, He can give you that "peace that passes understanding."

" 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I wil be found by you,' declares the LORD,'and will bring you back from captivity.' (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

Cling to His Word and know that it is true.

You say you need a first step. First step-- simply call out to Him and ask Him for forgiveness. Confess to Him your sin, and by faith, believe and know that as you confess and repent, you are cleansed and are as "white as snow." God wipes your sins away. You do not have to live with guilt or shame or regret. Christ gives us new life and there is "no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." Satan will condemn you... wanting you to beleive that you are worthless and unforgiven... but it is not true. Christ's blood cleanses you from your sins. "By his stripes we are healed."

It's like this: because of sin, we were imprisoned. We received the just penalty for our sins. If you break the law, you go to prison and pay the price. That is what we all have done... broke the law... broke the Commandments... sinned. But God loves us so much that He "sent His only Son."

Death is the ultimate penalty for crime (sin). A death for a death. The death penalty is given as a consequence to someone's crime. We all deserve the death penalty. But as we sat in prison, awaiting the death sentence, God, because He loves us, sent Jesus to this earth... and Jesus willingly died in our place. His death... His blood... it was in place of our death. It was the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus stepped in and said, 'I will set you free. I will take your place. You are a free man, no longer imprisoned, because I am going to take your place on that electric chair."

Every time Satan accuses and condemns us because of our sin... we can ask the Lord to forgive, and He sees the blood of Christ. It covers us. It saves us. And we are not condemned. We are saved.

Through His death and blood, we are free. We receive life. Unbelievable. Indiscribable. It amazes me. But it is TRUE.

The first step for all of us is confessing our sin, believing upon the Lord... acknowledging that Jesus Christ is Lord. From that point, it is a matter of "Help me Lord!"

Help my disbelief. Help me in my weakness. Help me face my fears. Help me fight my battles. Help me break these strongholds. Help me, Lord, and save me. Sometimes, in those valleys that we go through, we can only cling and call out to God to help us.

And then we wait... and we trust Him and believe that He will hear and answer our prayers. We believe that He is with us, even when we cannot feel Him... even when things are bad. We believe His Word that in due time, He will strengthen us, heal us, restore us. We will not be clinging any more but will be helping others who themselves are clinging.

We think of others who've gone before us... men like Job, who were stripped of everything yet were godly men... and it helps us to remember that sometimes God seems "silent" and sometimes we have no answers to our pain and sometimes we must wait and there are no signs, no relief of pain, no "miracles." Sometimes we go through valleys and sometimes, we can only weep... but God is always with us and He is "close to the brokenhearted." Not a single tear is wasted.

It is good that you have come here to the prayer forum and that you talk of going to church, because you need other Believers to walk along side you, to remind you of these truths, to help you know that you are not alone, to pray for you, bless you, encourage you. To remind you that we are all in this battle together.

Well, I tend to be rather verbose and hope that in the midst of all I've said, there is something there to strengthen and bless you.

God bless!

(This is more a reply to your first post, and I will reply to your 2nd one also.)

OutofDarkness,

Reply to things said in your 2nd post.

Your heaping guilt on yourself is something many Christians struggle with. We want to do right, we want to obey the Lord, yet there is a constant battle between our flesh and our spirit. Even Paul, in the Bibe, expressed his frustration with his sinful nature and this battle in which he longed to do right but often found himself doing wrong.

When you do find yourself doing wrong... confess and receive forgiveness. Not a day goes by that I don't confess.. not just one sin, but many... and I don't say that to show you that I confess but to show you how often I sin! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Stormie's books are very good. It is good to feed yourself with solid, sound Christian teaching... primarily the Word but also teaching from godly men and women (like Stormie).

Remember that your feelings are not trustworthy. When you feel alone and lost, remind yourself that you are not. God is with you and there are Christians throughout this world who are your sisters and brothers and who are in this same family of God with you.

Sometimes, though, we do have to go through things "alone." In the Bible, Jesus often withdrew to pray... by himself. It says that he would withdraw to "lonely places." When he died, he was "alone." Even his closest friends left him momentarily. And there are those times in our lives when all we have is God, and God alone... the one who will NEVER leave us or forsake us. There are times, I believe, when He wants us to go to Him and to Him alone and to know that if we had nothing, we would still have Him. But, in His compassion and goodness, He does give us others... people to walk alongside us.

You said, "Confessing my sins is first, and I have done that many, many times" (Sorry... I wrote all about that in my first reply to you. I hadn't read this yet, so maybe it was not what you needed to hear).

You said that you confess often for the same sin. I do too. It's a battle. It really is. You are not alone in this battle. In fact, I have an easier time forgiving others than I do myself. I often feel that I have to confess my sins again... even if they were years ago and have been confessed a million times. I think it's because of regret or shame that I still feel over them. It's not that God hasn't forgiven me... it is my lack of receiving His forgiveness and it is also a lack of taking my thoughts "captive."

Sometimes, I think it is good when we confess our sins not only to God but to others. It says in His Word, "Confess your sins one to another and you will be healed." I believe the reason is is that when we do this, we often receive support, compassion, and love. I have found this to be true in my life... well, I use discernment in who I am confessing to and only confess to other Christians who I know won't judge or condemn me. But often, when I don't confess my sin, I feel very alone... but when I confess it, it is then exposed and in the light, and in a way there is relief... and I am less alone because I am offered love from others and often I hear, "I struggle with that too" or "I have done that too." And I realize that I am the sole sinner on this earth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You said, "My biggest sin was turning away from His care and making decisions for myself without His leading."

"We ALL like sheep have gone astray." We all have. Yes, you are possibly reaping what you have sown from leaving Him... but just as the Prodigal Son was welcomed with love, so you too are welcomed with love from your Heavenly Father.

You said, "I am living with the consequences of those decisions even still, years later." There might be little I can say to take away the consequences. I too live with consequences of some of my sins... some things that I desperately wish I could go back and redo, but know that I can't. I know that I must face consequences, but in the midst, God can help me and I can pray for His mercy.

There is a book... I wish I could remember the name now. It is about a woman (her name was Carla ?) and she murdered some people. She was on death row and she accepted Christ. She was known as this woman who literally glowed with the joy of her salvation. She led other inmates to Christ. She praised the Lord in the midst. And while she and others prayed fervently that her sentence would be revoked, it was not. The penalty for her crime was not forgiven by men... she did receive the death penalty and is now home with the Lord. However, her crime was forgiven by God, and although her circumstances (prison and death penalty) were not taken away, she found joy, peace, and hope in the midst.

(I can't remember the name of the book but I think I own it and will try to find it. It's a Christian author).

And sometimes, God takes away the consequences or lessens them. We can pray and ask Him to and then determine to praise Him whether He does or not.

Pray for your husband and pray that the Lord will draw him to Him... that He will soften his heart towards the things of the Lord. There are a couple of very good books I'd like to recommend to you that are very good for wives, esp. wives of imperfect husbands <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . One is called "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. The other is called "How to Act Right When Your Husband Acts Wrong" by Leslie Vernick. Also, Stormie has a couple of books: "Power of a Praying Wife" and "Power of a Praying Woman" that are both good.


You said, "I prayed, I surrendered, I begged God for His forgiveness. It was hard, I cried, I moaned and didn't know what to say."

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Prov. 28:13

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"The Lord is close to the brokenheartsed and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17

If you have a Christian radio station, I would encourage you to listen to it.. both to the music and any teaching/preaching. You can also listen to Christian radio online (www.kluv.com ) and can listen to various sermons/teaching online. I will try to give you some links tomorrow but here are a couple: www.familylifetoday.org and wwww.family.org

If you have a Christian bookstore in your area, I would encourage you to just go hang out there for awhile if you can. I often will spend an hour or two there... just browsing... reading parts of books, listening to music, maybe I will spend $6 on a small, paperback book or more if I can afford it. But just being there always uplifts me and I feel as if I've been in the presence of God.

I also encourage you to go to church.. whether it be on Sunday or a weekday. Whether it be to speak one-on-one to a pastor or to attend the church service or to go to pray. It will get easier after that first step. If your husband objects, respect him and pray about it. Bathe it all in prayer.

Prayer is simply pouring your heart out to God... confessing, seeking, asking, praising. Don't worry about any right or wrong way to pray,but simply pour out your heart to Him.

I do pray that He will fill you with tremendous peace and that He will reveal Himself to you in some wonderful, special way to confirm to you that He is with you... that He loves you... and that He hears your prayers. I pray that you will know His love and that He will give you rest, comfort, and strength. I also pray that He will have mercy on you and lessen whatever circumstances you find yourself in that are a result of sin. May He do this for you.

God bless you.

One last thing...

Please go to this link and be blessed and touched by God!

http://www.interviewwithgod.com/specialmovie.htm

once it loads, click on "play" and make sure you have your sound on)

Oh, one other thing... go see "The Passion" by Mel Gibson (on 25th). I know that God has been preparing my heart for this, and I beleive that it will be a timely message for you as well and that you will be strengthened and touched by it. God is obviously working in your life right now.

One more...

Here is a link with a ton of links to Christian radio, church, teaching sites. I highly recommend listening to John McArthur, Charles Swindoll, Tony Evans, Moody Church broadcasts, Chip Ingram, and Greg Laurie... some of the links on here. But there's a whole lot of other good ones to listen to also- those are just some of my favs. and I'm aquainted with their teachings and know they are very Biblical.

Maybe start off with Greg Laurie or Chip Ingram (they have a light-hearted, humorous, but Biblical style).

Wherever God leads you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Here's the link: http://www.praiseandworshiplive.com/churchcasts.htm

Praise the Lord for what He is doing in your life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 02:45 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Oh my goodness, I just can't stop!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I found this earlier and just now read it and thought I'd post some of it... it's the interview with Mel Gibson and Diane Sawyer and the first few paragraphs... well, read them and see yourself in them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


----------------------------------------------Feb. 17 — At "the height of spiritual bankruptcy" more than a decade ago, abusing alcohol and drugs, the actor Mel Gibson said he once contemplated hurling himself out a window.

But instead, he turned to the Bible, which ultimately inspired him to direct his new movie, The Passion of the Christ.

"I think I just hit my knees," Gibson told Diane Sawyer in an exclusive interview on ABCNEWS' Primetime. "I just said, 'Help.' You know? And then, I began to meditate on it, and that's in the Gospel. I read all those again. I remember reading bits of them when I was younger."

"Pain is the precursor to change, which is great," Gibson said. "That's the good news."

----------------------------------------------
Goodnight and God bless!!!

Dear Out,

First welcome to this forum. We all came " just as I am " as imperfect people, otherwise we wouldn't need to be here! Also thank God for LMX!!! Isn't she a sweetheart??? There is nothing greater than to know someone cares about you!

You say you confess your sins over and over. God forgives you the very first time, if your request was sincere. It is satan who leads you to believe you need to do it over and over. You need to know satan wants you bound by that sin for eternity! That's why you can't go by feelings but by the word of God. God says if you are faithful[sincere] to ask, He is faithful to forgive. It is done, done, done!!! The next time that guilt feeling hits you, say, "No satan, I have confessed that sin, and God was quick to forgive me. You will no longer manipulate my feelings! God's forgiveness was real, and you will not convince me that maybe somehow it wasn't!" As far as consequences, God will usually assign a season to your consequences, and then they fade away. But if you will ask Him, He can turn the bad ino good. Look how many drug users are now christian pastors, and they use the "past" to set people free from what they are going thru. Like the women in prison who was sentenced to death for murder. The focus at first was that she was a cold blooded killer, and she deserved to die. But then she got saved, and yet even tho she was still that cold blooded killer in reality, God took the focus off of her actions, and let the love of God shine thru her. Think about it! Can you imagine sitting in prison accepting Jesus as your Savior at the hands of a cold blooded killer!!! Jesus took the focus off of what she had done, and refocused it on what HE had done!!! He will do the very same for you girl. He loves you that much! He will take your willingness to be used, and He will lift you up above whatever you have done and He will exalt you if you will only obey!
So believe Him as the GREAT I AM. Know that when He has forgiven you once, it is forever.

As far as getting involved with everything at church, you again are letting your feelings control you. Jesus was tempted by satan several times, once to get ALL the kingdoms of the world. Sounds like a fantastic deal based on emotions. Jesus told him "NO". He went by the WORD of God, which protected him. You ask God what He wants you involved in at church and tell the rest, "NO".

We are all here for you. "Just as I am" is the beginning to a great journey with the Good Lord above. There is no greater place to be than in His Presence. There is no better time to start than right now! Now instead of reconfessing, give thanks, and praise His name. You will be blessed!!!

sg

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

Wow!! Such a lot to digest, think about, and study! Thank you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LoveMyEx, I have read what you've written and there is SO MUCH there.

I know the Carla you speak of, can picture her even. She went to the death chamber. I remember the story. I felt for her too, because her conversion seemed utterly real.

I must reply to something in particular you said that really touched me. It's about being "alone" and how Jesus did some of His thinking/praying alone. Very true, and I needed to hear/read that.

I will comment more when I really dig into all that you've said, but those are my first general impressions.

singleguy, Yes, LMX certainly gave me something to think about! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you for the welcome, and also for sharing how I appear to be relying on my feelings for everything. I was shaking my head "yes" the entire time I was reading what you wrote. This is indeed true about me. My feelings rule me.

Well, I have more to do tonight, and may be back later. I tend to write in the evenings as my H works a late shift.

Thank you again for your replies everyone.

Out,

How are you doing?

Abiding in the Branch

S&C