My Beloved,
I just have to share this.
This afternoon I met with my church' Spiritual Director. I have been looking forward to this for the past week. After going through the prelimary, name, address, etc. details, there was enough time to have a "session".

She wanted me to talk about life, from birth to now, highlighting my religious and spritual events. I shared all I could remember about how "Staunch Roman Catholic" my father was when I was growing up. Fast forward.

She wanted to know about my First Holy Communion. Age 10 I believe. I shared that I didn't remember anything special, except that we knelt at the atlar railing to receive. She asked me more about things from that age.

I went back to when I was five and my mom was real ill (her mom just passed away and my mom got real sick). One day my two older b's and I were playing/fighting when my dad came home. He told us that we were "bad", the apt was a mess, we making our mom sick. At the age of five that stuck with me until age 22. I finally remembered and realized it in an exercise I did in an adult education course called "Life Spring". This was 17 years later, of shyness and feeling not much worth outside of my mom and brothers and extended family.

I told the SD that I was shy in school after that because, "who would want to be friends with a bad person". I got close, emotionally safe, with the priests and nuns. I remember when I was ten, the pastor came to class and asked who wanted to be an altar boy? I said I wanted to. Partly with sibling rivalry (both b's had been altar boys), and partly because I wanted to serve God. When I came home I told my mom and dad. They slapped me in the face (figuratively) by telling me I would not be allowed to do it. That the priests and nuns were sinning against God. My folks took it very deeply when Vatican II ended the Latin Mass, and priests and nuns especially dressed in civilian garb. This was very hard for me, "Honor thy father and thy mother.", and I wanted to honor and serve God as well. But if I disobeyed my mom and dad, that would be dishonoring God by disobeying His commandments.

We stopped there and the SD asked me where God was in this. She told me to bring God in to this picture. So, I closed my eyes and let God come to me. It was difficult, satan was filling my mind with wicked thoughts. But I finally saw Jesus. He stood behind me (this ten year old boy) and placed His hands under my armpits and picked me up off the floor. He then stood in front of me and held my face in His hands. He told me, "It's OK. I know the intent that was in your heart. There will be other times you can serve Me." I felt calmness and peace, and started to weep tears of joy. The SD wanted me to stay there in that moment, and I did. Then I said "Goodbye, Jesus." The SD told me to remember His Touch and Words and that He would always be there. I told Jesus I would call Him whenever I needed comfort.

WOW. I'm tearing up again, just writing this.

May Jesus hold your face in His hands when you are hurt and troubled,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

PS I would love to write some more, miss you all, but I need to get my Bible reading in tonight.

Thank you for sharing such a personal and stirring experience.

It touches so many parts of your life, doesn't it? From being told you were bad, to your mother's illness, to the disappointment you felt when told you couldn't serve God by being an alter boy.

There's a lot of meat in what you've written.

Just looking around on this Prayer board tonight has been very uplifting and strengthening. Thank you.

Trying,

Good to hear from you. Praise the Lord that He's working so hard in your life right now! Maybe this is exactly what you needed. I teared up reading this post. It touched me deeply. I pray that you continue to receive more spiritual enlightenments(?). God bless you. And we're all praying for you.

I have my next session tonight. I haven't felt His presence (in that way) since the last session.
For lent I an going to church at 6 am and just speaking to Jesus at the Tabernacle. Yesterday, I didn't feel anything. Today, I was speaking causually, as faithfulwife stated in another posting. I remembered and confessed again the A. Then I was struck by something; I remembered during my A, before my W knew, my W and I had an abortion <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . This was because I told her I didn't think we would stay married.
I felt great remorse because my unborn son or daughter would never see God. Then He showed me that the unborn are baptized by blood and inherit His Kingdom. I was full of joy and wept.

I let you all know what happens after tonight.

May He hold your face in His hands,
ttsmm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tryingTOsaveMYmarriage:
<strong> Then I was struck by something; I remembered during my A, before my W knew, my W and I had an abortion <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . This was because I told her I didn't think we would stay married.
I felt great remorse because my unborn son or daughter would never see God. Then He showed me that the unborn are baptized by blood and inherit His Kingdom. I was full of joy and wept.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This made me catch my breath! I felt tears come to my eyes...

I understand the guilt and remorse, so well, as someone who said and did some ugly things during my A.

I also understand the joy... I had a miscarriage in 1988 (the year following my then-H's first affairs - did marriage stress have something to do with losing the baby? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) and always try to remember that "Amanda" is up in Heaven waiting... that's just a beautiful picture, isn't it?

Hey big guy!

Try not to focus on the feeling. You know His word is fact and never changes. Stand on the promise.

Won't say any more. Don't want you spending too much time here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Nice to hear what your W did. Small victory.

Be good brother.

S&C