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Joined: Mar 2003
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petermg Offline OP
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I blew up on Sat night and we are now separated and she wants me to move all my stuff out. She is really afraid of me and I don't blame her. But I really want things to be reconciled with us and we are seeking personal counceling since we've only been married for 2 1/2 months. A pastor concluded that our problems are so severe that there is no way they crept up in only 2 1/2 months and that we need to both be in personal counceling. I am seeking a room to rent right now and I am sad that all this is happening. Please pray that this will all be used for the Glory of God and that He heals us both and that our marriage will be a testimony of what He can and is willing to do.

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]</small>

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peter,
Welcome to the Prayer Forum. I see you have been at MB for a bit, but I don't know if you have ventured here before, so welcome.

This site tends to slow down during the weekend, so I am sure that you get more replies in the next few days.

First off, I can understand some of what you are going through. I am the BS in my M, and have had a mean temper in the past. The only physical abuse was grabbing her wrists when she walked away after pushing my buttons. But I know that she doesn't feel safe with me because of that temper. Anyway, I digress.

Make sure you are seeing a godly counselor; and pray that she is seeing one (can't control who she sees) but pray that the Holy Spirit will guide her. The counselor will help you work on you, BUT, get into a deeper relationship with God and let Him work on you. Pray, pray, pray.

Father, lift up petermg and his wife. Carry them close to your heart so the author of lies and deceit does not dwell among them and fill their minds and hearts with confusion, anger and hopelessness. Lead them to godly people who are full of wisdom, which is Your Holy Word. Open their eyes to see the mistakes and sins they have committed against You and against each other. Reveal to them why they are acting and reacting they way they are so they make changes that last for themselves, for eachother, and for the bonds of their marriage which is sacred to you.
This we ask my the Most Precious Blood Your Son, Jesus Christ, shed for our sins so we have everlasting life. Amen.


May our Loving Savior, Jesus Christ, hold your face in His hands,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

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petermg,

Along with TTSMM, I encourage you to find a godly individual counselor--and suggest that you consider voluntarily attending anger management classes. I will admit, I went to anger management classes for nearly a year, and they helped me a LOT.

Speaking as a lady, I have heard men say several times, things like: "The only physical abuse was..." and then mention something like pushing, grabbing, holding, etc. Do you men not understand how incredibly scary that is?? I'm not being mean here, I just wonder if you don't understand.

If a woman and man get into a fight, and the woman says HORRIBLE things to the man and pushes all his buttons...if she chooses to fight with him, generally she is about 80-100 pounds lighter and was never really into lifting weights and building muscle. If he chooses to fight with her, he usually is taller, heavier and stronger than she will ever dream of being--and when a 180 pound man of average height grabs the arm or wrist of a 120 pound woman of average height while he is angry and in a rage, it HURTS and it is DAMAGING.

Please do not minimalize this. I'm not saying that wives have the right to hit husbands--I am saying that a woman being "pushed" by a man is VERY, VERY frightening and VERY, VERY much more intimidating. If your wife feels endangered after only 2 1/2 months of marriage, I believe providing her safety and security has got to be the number one option at this time.

(Okay--down off my soapbox)

Petermg, I will pray with you that God will be with you both as you attend IC and each of you work on your own issues. I will pray that God soften and humble your heart so you can see your mistakes, repent from them, and learn a new way to behave. Likewise I will pray that God soften and humble your W's heart as she works on her own issues. Finally, I will pray that God will keep both of you open to reconciling after IC and after things are a lot more healthy in your relationship.


CJ

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faithful,
Thank you. I wasn't making light of the fact I grabbed her wrists. It was my defence (legal defence <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) mechanism kicking in.
Any physical abuse, IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.
Thank you.

Father, I bring before and confess to You my sin of physical abuse to Your Child, my wife, Marie. I thank you for having Your daughter CJ enlight me to my sin and how it has affected Marie. I ask for Your Forgiveness for hurting and hating myself by this sin. I ask for Your Grace that I may make amends. Not as my will, but Thy Will be done in this and in all things. I ask this by the suffering, Your Most Holy Son, endured for me during His Passion. Amen.

God's Mercy,
ttsmm

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peter, you've gotten excellent advice, and I can't add anymore to it -- except to say to DO WHAT THEY SAY.

I did want to second what CJ said: My ex-H did some horrible things to me that I am always loathe to "label" abuse. He always said that I drove him to it.

I forgot a lot of things. Like the time he pulled me by my hair out of the car. We'd been in a fight on the way to the beach, and I'd begun to cry. He hated that. We stopped for sandwiches and I told him I was too embarrassed to get out with my face all swollen and wet. He grabbed my hair and pulled me out. We got the sandwiches and went to the beach.

Years go by and I never thought of it again. Guess who reminded me? Our daughter <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . All three kids were young (under 12) and they were sitting in the back seat.

For me, I thought that the fact that he didn't throw my face on the pavement meant that it wasn't abuse.

I have a million of 'em... all the same, but different, none of them outright beatings, but emotionally beaten all the same.

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This is a woderful place to find positve support.
I try and read as many posts and replies as I can. Answers are sometime in what might seem an unlikely places. Sometimes it's just very comforting to know that someone else here on earth has been through or is going through something similar. Prayer is VERY powerful and there are prayer warriors standing all around you here.
Praying with you!

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TTSMM,

I hope you did not take my comments as a public rebuke of you or what happened between you and your wife. It was never intended to be directed at you or in any way to be harmful. I just felt very strongly, as a lady of rather smallish stature, to point out how scary you big brutes can be sometimes. I used your words "...I only grabbed her by the wrists..." or something like that as an example of what I have heard many, many, many men say: "Oh, there was never physical abuse in our marriage. I only pushed her when she got in my face in a fight" or "I only shoved her out of the way when she would not move out of the doorway" or "I only jerked her arm a little and now she's claiming abuse to her friends" or "I only..."

See, one of the "BIG PICTURE" things that a woman really craves and longs for is security. Most women want to feel safe, want to feel like their children are safe, and want to feel like their home is an unshakably secure foundation. Even if you "...only...", what happens in a lady's head is, "We were in the heat of an argument, and the man I gave my youth, my figure, and my life for SCARED ME. He's so much bigger and stronger than I am--what will he do next time? He's supposed to be gentle with me, and I'm AFRAID in my own home!!"

It seems to me that men do not understand that this is how a woman sees it. If a man pushes, grabs, or shoves another man--don't the men get intimidated (and a fight ensues to proves your NOT intimidated)? Do men say, "I only shoved my friend Bob when he got in my face during a fight"? Or "I only shoved him out of the way when he stood in the doorway and blocked my way"? I may be wrong, but I suspect that the way men relate to pushing, shoving and grabbing is altogether different than the way women relate to that. Men wrestle and play rugby and football; women do ballet, gymnastics, and synchronized swimming! OY!

So fellas, if you've "...only..." to your wife, take it from me--your big, strong, intimidating muscles which were meant to protect her were used to scare her and frighten her.

BTW, tryingTOsaveMymarriage, I want to commend you on your open-heartedness. I truly did not mean my comments to be aimed at you, and yet you took them to heart and realized that your manly manliness had frightened your wife. I'm so touched that you were so willing to see that, and I encourage you to be brave and make amends with Marie, whether she leaves or not. It may mean a lot to her to know that somehow you understand.


CJ

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Oops - Hit a wrong button somewhere and posted this to the wrong thread....

God's blessings to all!

Richard

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Richard F ]</small>

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It's not just physical. I've never touched my wife in anger, not in the 10 years I've known her.

However, I have a loud, deep voice, and she is often intimidated by my words.

While I've never called her a single bad name. (I think the worst thing I've said to her is you are being selfish) she is still afraid when my voice is a certain way.

I don't understand her fear, because she should know that after all of these years, she isn't in physical danger.

However, she does have these fears, and I have to continue to work on being gentle with her.

It may not seem fair, but that is the way it is.

Tony


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