Those who know me know that I can be quite a prolific writer (read: annoyingly wordy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). This may turn out to be one of those kinds of posts, so be nice, k? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I have been trying to break free from MB for about three years. After my first (20 year) marriage broke up (during the first year I was here) it seemed pretty silly to be hanging around. But a bunch of us (a group that joined in '99 and ended up divorced) did stick around and went through the pain of breaking up, the dating, and new marriages. Many of those folks *are* still around and posting, if only occasionally.

For me, I had made choices that took me far away from God, my home, my family and my friends. (Those choices are the basis of my discontent, but that explanation will come later.)

I felt very alone, very guilty, and very needy. The internet became my link to the outside world. As much as I felt connected to MB, I needed to get out. I looked for another site that seemed more appropriate [edited to remove site name]and got overly involved, gave too much personal infomration about myself, and plopped myself smack in the middle of the political foray that was brewing at the time. At the same time, my husband and I went through some desperate financial troubles and lost everything we owned, including a place to live.

I clung to the other site I mentioned, and sadly, it did what a few of my old churches had done when trouble hits - split right in half. I was stuck in the middle, and was seen as a friend of one group and a traitor to the other. I was called names and accused of some ugly things. In short, I got burned by the community.

So, I came back to MB, my old "stomping ground"...

This seems to be a trend in my life. I'm overly-dramatic, overly emotional, overly needy, and then hide from the world. CJ will tell you (we're friends outside of here, in case you can't tell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) that I go into "caves"... I don't mean to push people away, but I do sometimes. Then I begin to ruminate about the past and as much as I know I can't go back and fix things, I try. I live in the past, and I know I need to turn around and face the future. I find that difficult to do alone, without some leading.

This is where God comes in, I think.

As far as my Christian walk - well... I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins, that is never in question. I do have some issue with the personal realtionship available to me, since I'm feeling a little sorry for myself in my struggles that continue, and have continued since... well... since before I got here.

Also, some of the peripheral beliefs I question. For example, I saw a therapist that told me I couldn't exercise with my yoga tape because yoga is of Satan. I had to pray in her office to "renounce" it. I don't believe that and think it sounds a little fanatical. It isn't a deal-breaker whether it's true or not, but it did make me stop seeing her.

Further, I am a Liberal, and espouse most of where they stand politically. Still, I love Christ and know what He did for me, so I am a Christian. But honestly, I have been told I am not if I don't believe as some others do, and that frustrates and confuses me.

As time goes on, perhaps I will share a little more about the guilt that drives me. For right now, in the interest of honesty and openness (which I adhere to always) I felt that it would be a good idea to tell you where I stand and see if I still fit in.

<small>[ February 28, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Sheryl, the more you post, the more I feel I have in common with you...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is a lot to ask ...but would you care to email me personally. Just ask and I'll post my email for you ... let me know so I can remove it when you have decided?

Blessings,
Diamonzzz

Hey D,

About emailing -- I have no problem with that... but... let me ask you this, in all honesty: Is what you would like to talk about something that is too personal to discuss here? I ask because perhaps our discussions might help someone else... how do you feel about it?

I will respect your choice... let me know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No, I would like to continue discussing this stuff here too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just thought maybe YOU might want a more personal link ..

I would like to hear more of your story. To tell you the truth I hate to use that search engine, it never seems to bring up the stuff I am looking for so please don't tell me to do a search and read up .. lol

Whatever you would like to discuss is great with me?

I just see so many similiarities between us.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
DZZZ

Well... let me tell you this... between the new_beginning name and another name I used for awhile after I remarried (Nyneve) I have over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> 10,000 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> posts, so I think my entire life is on this site!! LOL LOL

You are right though, sometimes I think it would be best not to rehash my life on here, in public. I'd prefer that some of the things that I've done would hide quietly in corners of the archives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What, in particular, reaches out to you tonight? Maybe we can begin there.

Sheryl. I promise to come back to this either later tonight or tomorrow. I have to leave... I'm late!! LOL

BBl
DZZZ

Hi again D,

Yeah, I actually left for awhile too. We have dial-up, so I can't stay on for hours on end. Oh man, I sure used to! I have to get off and check for messages and make phone calls sometimes, doncha know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let me know what our next subject will be. If something is too personal or I'm not ready to talk about it, I'll tell you. Is that fair? I expect the same from you too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think we may have scared off everyone else... I hope not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I appreciate all different opinions about things, and like to learn.

Hi Sheryl,

I hope we didn't scare everyone else off either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I do know this board isn't as busy as the EN board so ...... take that into consideration too.

I dunno Sheryl, I think what caught my eye in your posts is the similarities.

You were married 20 years. You remarried rather quickly as we have already established. But most of all the affinity to the net .... and the fact that you don't fit the "spiritual" mold for starters?? Hey good news! Jesus never either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Question: Did you meet H two on the net?

Also if my questions get too personal feel free to ignore me.

I know that you came expressly to this prayer forum so I want to be careful to keep our focus on encouraging each other in the Lord but I think telling our stories a little can only help us get to know each other better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have one thing on my heart tonight for you though Sheryl and I will just jump in and say it.

Sheryl no one is gonna reject you here for ANYTHING. You are loved and accepted by anyone that loves and accepts Jesus... period.

I already like you. You are honest, you are bright, and you have lots and lots to give.

So what if you don't "behave" like a few Christians think you should.

If you are determined to learn and grow, God will change you. If you don't need changing in an area He won't do it.

The cool thing about our Father is that He takes us right where we are. All He asks us for is our heart in sincerity and He will do the rest.

We can't do anything apart from Him anyway - "our righteousness is as fithy rags" - so why even bother.

Come just as you are. Like the old saying: "We catch the fish, God cleans em."

I have been a Christian since I was 19 years old but I swear sometimes God is still just starting to take the hook out of my mouth to get ready to START the cleaning.

You are precious to God Sheryl and you are precious to your sisters and brothers in God.

Keep "talkin"

WHAAAAATTT???!! Dial-up!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO! heehe

DZZZ

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

You are absolutely right, Diamonzzz, we *do* need to keep the focus on encouraging each other in the Lord, and I personally need to remember not to forget that my testimony is being watched/read. I've learned some truths lately that have been truly enlightening to my Walk with God.

[removed personal identifiable information]

Now I've forgotten where I was going with this, so I'd better stop for now and re-read what you wrote!! LOL I'll be back... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Diamonzzz:
<strong>
I have been a Christian since I was 19 years old but I swear sometimes God is still just starting to take the hook out of my mouth to get ready to START the cleaning.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah yes, me too, me too. I was 15 when I accepted the Lord as my Savior, but alas, was in a church that believed you could lose your salvation. I actually had to be rebaptized when I was 24, because I was a bad girl in the late 70's and lost Jesus. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That's why I liked the Baptist church so much better, at least I couldn't get lost.

Now I'm Anglican (Episcopal in the States). I like the majesty and formality, but sometimes miss the choruses and the clapping, to be honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok, we are on the same page. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I really think in time we might want to exchange emails .. lol

Ok, two more similarities. I was also a church secretary.

I met my second husband on the net. I also have a caveat. I met him about 20+ years before in RL (we both went to the same churches but didn't know each other and were both married to other people back then.)

We "met" again online years later quite by "accident" if you believe in that, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and so technically we did meet "here".

I met him online but we met in RL within a couple weeks and started to date....

I was divorced 2.5 years when I met and married my H, but I had been online since 99.

I have many, many, stories of my life between the time I left my husband and I remarried.

Although I wasn't walking as closely with the Lord as I had in the past (duh...or I wouldn't have left my Christian husband and let the enemy destroy our home) I didn't technically backslide and I know that God walked me through all the pain and held my hand through all the wanderings.

I am much stronger for the Lord today then I was back then and it's all the Lord.... all of it.... I claim nothing in myself but His grace, and His grace, alone.

I am not afraid to share my failings to others because it just might give someone some hope but I am careful on here not to use my freedom in Christ as a license to sin.

My testimony is, and always will be: DO NOT GET A DIVORCE. Failing that, there is always hope and restoration, God takes us right where we are at.

Thank you God!
DZZZ

Yipes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Here we converge again!! LOL

However, I did totally and completely backslide... and so did my first H. He cheated a few times early in our marriage, and in our 18th year of marriage, I did the unthinkable and had a short-lived, life-changing, one-hop-in-the-sack affair with a jerk at work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My very worst moments of life, bar none.

Mid-life crisis, so cliche'... and then he decided that my wanting to die wasn't enough, and got himself a few more women. One was introduced to him by his Christian friends, Deacons in the church he was attending, and lookie-here, she was still married to her third husband at the time.

Do I have drama surrounding me, or what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I wrote all about it at the time. We called her the ChurchLady. Some church, eh?

Ouch! Glad those days are behind you huh?

Now how long have you been remarried? It will be two years in August for us.

It was a looooooooooong first year in which only this past Oct God did a real miracle in my husband and our marriage took a turn for the better.

I am amazed how well we are doing and it gets better and better. We have many, many friends praying for us though and both of us really, really, want this to work.

Is your H a believer?

DZZZ

We've been married for two and a half years.

He is a registered <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Catholic, and is a believer.

[removed personal identifiable information]

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

My hubby lurks here and posts sometimes but he's not addicted to this like his wifey poo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok... I think I am beginning to get a bit of pix here.

I deal with guilt and pain over my broken family all the time. It is the one thing that I cry out to God for on almost a daily basis.

I can honestly say that I JUST stopped crying every single night in bed over my kids, this past couple of months.

I moved away 3 hours either way from both boys and my whole life changed.

Is this where the bulk of your struggles are? Forgiving yourself for what happened to your family? Or for YOUR part of it? If so, I can RELATE!!

DZZZ

[removed personal identifiable information]

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

You didn't scare everyone away. Sheryl, Dzzz is right, you are loved here on this forum and I am glad you have come here.

There's a lot to cover here. I won't respond to all of it but there are some things that do stand out to me.

First of all I thought my wife was married to the sweetest, loveliest, most gentle H in the world. But I'll let it slide and I'll settle for being the 2nd for now.

I have developed a mantra that basically says "The more intimate my relationship with God; the less I have to worry how everything is going to turn out." And I mean EVERYTHING.

I read this book called "The Sacred Romance". It says that everyone has an unquenchable thirst for something. But only an intimate relationship with God can quench it. We try to use other things to quench it put only find that they never satisfy the thirst. In our quest to quench, we find things the satisfy for a while but in reality we soon find it isn't enough and re crave more. Sometimes its drugs, sometimes its alcohol, sometimes it's someone other than our spouse. It's even ministry in the church sometimes. We crave it to the point of addiction lots of times. They become our lovers "less wild lovers". But thirst is always there.

Then there's God. A truely wild lover. I haven't seen "The Passion of the Christ" yet but I think it really shows us how wild of a lover God is. ...the lengths he hes gone to capture our hearts and free us from our past.

Sheryl, I think you are here because He wants to free you from your past. "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free ~ John 8:32" I read that somewhere <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The truth is, God says when you ask for forgivness and repent he is faithful to cleanse you from ALL unrightousnes. And if He cleanses you who is left to condemn you? (Not a ratorical question). Who is left to comdemn you? It's the Accuser. The enemy of the Rightous One. Who hates all of God's creation and especally his most prized: you and me.

So what do we do? Get intimate with God through reading His word, Prayer and worship. And let God be God through all the other stuff.

Bless you dear sister. We'll talk tomorrow.

S&C

[removed personal identifiable information]

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Sheryl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, there's a phrase... I've read here and heard it in "the streets"... I took a class on The Family (at college - secular) and also was involved in a 12-Step program (Overeaters Anonymous)... they all called it... A Hole in the Soul.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's right. I've also heard it as a God shaped hole in us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am always trying to find something to plug in that Hole.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We alldo so don't get down on yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did want to discuss this idea of God being a "wild lover" though. I'm sorry, but that just "feels" wrong to read and say. Can you explain? It kind of creeps me out. I'm being honest.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aahhh! A discussion about something I am passionate about. I would love to do that. God a "wild lover". Well first of all I'd get the thought of a "Don Juan" or "Richard Gere" kind of "seducer" out of my head right now. I'm not even remotely talking about that kind of lover. We'll call that one a "Player". But God as a wild lover...

Why do stories like Cinderella, or Snow White touch us? I think, for many women, it is because they want to feel like there is someone that will go to the extreme; to fight the Dragon, to brave the Dark and treacherous unknown for the fair maiden. Is that a different picture? Like in Cinderella, the Prince goes throughout the land looking for the one who's foot fits the glass slipper.

What I find amazing is, that it was known throughout the land, the Prince was looking for her. But she never came forward. She had nothing to lose and she never went forward on her own. But the Prince was gentle but persistant in asking "if there were any others in the house". God does that for us. Never barging in; but gently loving us and always asking us "If there is anything else in our house he can bless." He's patient and gentle, but persistant with us. This makes Him a lover of us. So where does the "Wild" come in?

The way I see it is like this. God's love for us is great, but our lives are found stuck in the mire of sin and selfishness. God was determined to provide freedom for us. ...out of our slumber, out of the shackles the enemy would like to keep us in; He fights. But it the payment of sin that's an issues. What's the wildest thing He could do? Pay for the transgressions we commited against Him. Is that insane or what? For the person we sin against to do the punishment!

We know what it feels like when we turn our back on God. He feels so far away. The reality is He's still there; we've just turned our back on Him. ...and we feel miserable. But, Jesus did a really wild and crazy thing. He allowed God to turn His back on Him so we could be healed and saved. We feel basd when we turn our back on God. Think about how Jesus felt when God turned His Back on Jesus when He bacame sin. THAT'S WILD! That He would do that because He loved me and you!

God a "wild lover"? ...you bet!

You'll never find anythig else we put in the "Hole in the Soul" do that. Never.

I told you I was passionate about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I completely agree with you about why I'm here, although I must tell you that this is beginning to make me nervous. I hope nobody's expecting me to grow in leaps and bounds... yes, I'm thirsty enough to have come here for water, but I want to drink and learn slowly this time -- it gets lost otherwise.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand. You don't want to be "drinking water out of a fire-hydrand". Waste of water and you end up picking yourself up 30 feet from the source, shaking your head and asking; "What was that?".

Wow, this got kind of long. So sorry.

Blessings to you and H.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by steadfast and committed:
Aahhh! A discussion about something I am passionate about. I would love to do that. God a "wild lover".

What's the wildest thing He could do? Pay for the transgressions we commited against Him. Is that insane or what? For the person we sin against to do the punishment!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By me:
I completely agree with you about why I'm here, although I must tell you that this is beginning to make me nervous. I hope nobody's expecting me to grow in leaps and bounds... yes, I'm thirsty enough to have come here for water, but I want to drink and learn slowly this time -- it gets lost otherwise.

Your response:
I understand. You don't want to be "drinking water out of a fire-hydrand". Waste of water and you end up picking yourself up 30 feet from the source, shaking your head and asking; "What was that?".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That fire-hydrant analogy (or is that a metaphore, I never know! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) is EXCELLENT.

Thank you for taking the time to explain. I appreciate it so much!!

<small>[ February 27, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>