You two, whether you want to acknowlege it or not are a unit. You are no longer, and have not been for some time, two individual people. Oh, don't get me wrong, your individual personalities and character traits, your individual needs and interests still exist, but by virtue of the fact that you have shared memories, time, children, experiences, and hopeful futures together, you no longer can wholly function as individuals. You are a new entity! The sooner you recognize and ACCEPT that fact the sooner you can go about the business of "BEING" happy together. <P>Arik, you were the first of the two of you (it does happen the other way around) to revolt against this "new entity" created by your union. "I love my SO, but maybe there is someone else out there who could better meet my needs. Someone who would love me more. Someone who is more like me. Someone who....." You get the idea. It may have crossed your mind that you "stopped looking too soon." These thoughts cross all of our minds (I think) at some time in our life or other. You both became complacent, thinking 'if he/she does not love me the way I am then too bad, this is me.' Then instead of "loving' each other, you expected to "be loved." This exsperience is not unique to your marriage. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN WITH A NEW PARTNER.<P>Arik, the first time you posted you stressed your love for Nicole as being equal to, yet different than that which you experienced with the OW. Our memories are short, and often flavored by whatever need is being neglected at the time. In my case, my H's need for sexual satisfaction was greatly neglected. (Choose the search tool to hear more of my story) The need which was neglected in your marriage was, most likely addressed by the OW. That does not mean that this same need cannot be met by your wife, however, unless you can throw 100% or more into communicating with your wife it will never happen. <P>Nicole, the road ahead of you is hard, particularily if Alek is still in the phase of trying to make you hate him (an easy out, you know) I mean, how can he believe that you can still love him and want to work things out dispite what he has done to dishonor your vows. You are going to have to stand firm in your resolve to show your love, coz you are about to be put through the mill. There were things lacking before in your actions/reactions toward him, and between the two of you those missing elements must be addressed. Even if A holds onto OW for a while longer, you mmust focus on the goal. You are not the one with the addiction. (I would not put up with that for too long of a time, it would NOT be a MARRIAGE BUILDING tactic for OW to be in the picture for too long.)<P>I could go on and on.....<BR>But time is aways a constraint. <P>I will say, Arik, that my gut instinct was to kick your proverbial A##, along with Dazed, because that is something I would have loved to have done to my H at one point in his addiction, but I did manage to restrain myself. <P>I hope you both get something from this.<P>Beth

Thanx for the insightful post, Beth. You are right, we are one entity. Sometimes we revolt against that which is good and stable in our lives. I unfortunately took the revolt to the furthest extent and caused a huge rift in my life, as well as Nicole's. It will take a lifetime to repair what was done. I hope that someday, we can be as we were. If not, then I hope that she realizes that I meant nothing against her as a person, or as my love. I am the dumb one here and I take full responsibility for my affair. Even when Chrissie said, "we can't" I said to her that "if I don't ever get anything more out of this, I want you for tonight". I was very selfish. I was very uncaring to the one woman in my life (bar none) who has accepted me through all of my faults and inequities. I was even uncaring to Chrissie's relationship with her husband. Maybe if I hadn't pushed, she wouldn't be in the conflict that she now is. I don't know. I thank you again for taking the time to let us see your real feelings. Take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>We stumble and fall sometimes, and that hurts. But it is the most incredible realization when you look and see that it was your spouse that picked you back up......<P>Take care of and Love each other.....Arik<P><BR>

Thank-you so much for taking the time in creating a post to address our current problem.<BR>I know that I have failed Arik recently in my lack of understanding his spiritual dilema. I have been preoccupied with the ever demanding needs of our children and not giving him the individual attention he needs and deserves. That is one area that I really need to work on-creating that special time everyday that is just for us. I also know that sexual fulfilment was lacking in our marriage, part of this was due to my hanging on to some hurt and pain from being sexually abused as a child. This is one area that I have seen some improvement in as I deal with some of the things that I feel in myself.<P> I also know that during this time of withdrawal it will be nearly impossible for Arik to meet the needs that I have, but I have let him know what they are. Hopefully one day he will be ready to meet them.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited November 27, 1999).]