It has been a while since I have been here. I stopped cold turkey because I could not understand or believe a lot of the stuff that was said in other forums. Let me share where I am at for it might help some questioning God - at least I hope.

Wife filed for D - Sept 12 2003. I have begged her to give me another chance - she has been in an adulterous affair since before July 2003. Christmas Day - the guy proposed and she accepted (I have confronted her on this and she denies it - just as she denied there was a guy in the picture) I do not want the divorce. I am a christian and my wife was one as well. I never met her emotional needs so my bank account was way negative. WS moved out when she filed to her Mothers who is against me with a passion.

Currently, mediation has been scheduled in April. I am asking for custody of the children. Wife is not happy at this. She is very angry and bitter and has witheld the children from visitations with me. She is using the fact that I have medication for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that I take at night - she feels that she knows more about the doctor and that I cannot responsibly take care of our girls during the night. A court date has been set in march to hold her in contempt of court. Of course as a woman her hand will be slapped and then she will probably get away with it again.

I talked with her today and she told me she will absolutely not come back. She sees this guy almost everyday and is now changing jobs to work where he is working - she dropped a bomb on me today - she is not going to put me on her insurance plan at the new job. Of course I wonder if she is just quitting and not going to work somewhere else. She was mad at me for making her return to work when I went out for good on disability.

In this whole situation, my faith has been up and down to the point that my health has kept me from making to church for about 3 weeks now. I feel miserable and have been an emotional wreck - can't stop crying and feeling guilty for my wife totally walking away from Jesus.

JamesP - I can understand some of what you said in your post. Divorce is very hard to handle as a believe especially when you know your WS is or was a believer. My WS has become someone I never knew - she is not the christian woman I married. She won't talk to any of her christian friends or even the pastors at church. She refuses all counseling - she refuses to admit that God is not in her new relationship. She refuses to acknowledge that I love her and that I have returned to my faith. Unfortunately, we fight the flesh, the world and the devil. My wife has completed given herself over to all three and has made me feel guilty over her decisions.

I have gone from complete faith that Father God told me that He would restore this marriage before the divorce happens to where I gave up on ever believing she will come back. I have gone from completely strong and motivated to fatigued to the point of despair. Where has God been? In the same place that He has always been; where has my faith been - in the wrong place.

We are asked to walk by faith in things that are unseen; yet, we want proof. Let me say I - have asked God over and over for confirmation and what I believe that HE shared with me from His Word. Yet, my WS has gotten worse and worse to the point that she has accused me of things that I could not believe a christian could even voice. Her lies are unbelievable - for those who say it is the sin that is speaking - I agree except Free Will is in the way and that means she is being selfish and fulfilling the lusts of the flesh. She believes she has a right to be happy and that God was making her stay with me where she was very unahppy.

It is strange for this has been my relationship with Jehovah God. Jesus says come unto Him and rest - He says to let Him carry our burdens - yet it is easier to despair than to trust. Hence, that is why the enemy has used the same tactics forever. He wants us to feel condemened and guilty for then our faith comes through as a light that has a lampshade on it. Heck, Paul said in romans 12:1 - that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus - yet I find myself taking all the blame and making myself irresponsible in my relationship with Him.

I hate the man I am - and love the man that Christ has called me to be. Yet, I'd rather role in the mud than walk in the sunshine. Tonite, I have been up since I cannot sleep - I have called a favorite prayer line of mine and talked with another guy about faith. I realize now that I am allowing my faith to waiver not God. That I am allowing the enemy to win by listening to everything that my Wife is saying and is doing. I have taken my eyes of the creator of the universe to look at someone who is decieved and vindictive. From one who is holy to one who is full of sin - me myself and I. Is it not selfishness that has gotten me to this point with my wife? So my answer to intimacy with God is that you can have it by being in His Word and allowing through prayer for Him to bring you to His way of things and not your own. Remember that the Word of God is given to us for instruction in how we should live our lives - it is very clear so don't ask what God's will is for you - ask in prayer for how you can be more like Him. That is what I have come back to tonite. I have been a wimpering fool and now it is time to take up the cross and glory in the suffering for Christ. I know in my heart that I have tried everything that I can to try and lure her back; in fact, that is a lot of the problem - in my power and not in HIS. His will be done and not mine.

So I need prayer - to remember that He is on the throne and that no matter what happens He will work it out according to His Good Will. It might not be my desire of my heart with my WS - especially since it looks like she is going to be married a month or two after she gets her D.

Please pray for wisdom and understanding for me to know what is the right way to talk with her the few rare times she will talk and listen.

Thank you for your prayers and for however God leads you to pray.

JoeCM,

You are in my prayers...God Bless you brother!!

Wow, your post touches me. I would suspect my ex-H could write much of what you've written. Our situation differed in some major ways (his final affair had been ongoing, and I'd rebounded into a new relationship too soon), but yes emotionally he felt as you do. Once he realized I was really moving on, he realized his part in the demise of our marriage and felt terrible about it. In fact, he *still* does in some ways. I know, because he's told me.

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but I would like to tell you that my ex-H's attempt at doing God's Will in the face of everything (our divorce and my remarriage) has not gone un-noticed. You just never know who's watching, and who will be touched by your Walk, no matter how much you struggle to maintain it.

What I'm trying to say, awkwardly, is that I have noticed and appreciated my ex-H's attempts at growing in the Lord, and he has been a better man because of it. We have the best possible ex-relationship now, and I am thankful for it. I know that's not the ending you want, and nobody says it *will* be your final outcome. You have some time - you aren't divorced yet!!

Keep on!!!

You are a great writer, and I encourage you to continue writing your feelings - if not here, then in a journal. You have a gift.

God bless you and yes, I will pray.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please pray for wisdom and understanding for me to know what is the right way to talk with her the few rare times she will talk and listen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What has helped me, James, when I would know that I was going to talk to my H, I would say this quick prayer, "May the words of my mouth & the meditation of my heart be acceptable unto You, O God, My Rock & My Redeemer." This helped the words coming out of my mouth be pleasant, non-judgmental, and loving. Hope this helps you. I will be praying for you.

AN update...
Wife moved back into the house on sat. Not to return to me - she wants the divorce and has looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she does not like me or love me and would never come back to me. She believes that she has nothing to repent of with the OM and that if she wants to bring him to the home she will. Tomorrow will be the first day that she will be sleeping here with the girls. She had to re-arrange and buy bunk beds for the girls. On Monday, I recieved notice in the mail that my LTD payments are beign stopped. This means no income.

I feel like Job. My health and work went first, then my wife and kids, and now the only income that was coming in. I am confused as to what it is I need to learn other than putting Jesus first. I have talked with my wife and we have gotten into arguments. She believes that I have not changed and that I am arrogant. She tells me I am not a christian and that her new guy is a believer. Yet, he calls the house and after hanging up on him about 2 times I talked with him briefly to ask him not to call her. He started yelling and ranting and raving at me. I told him my wife said he is a beleiver and that I think not from his stealing my wife. I then hung up.

Please pray that I find the strength to love. That I can get over the pain of love not returned and anger. I find I still have it since it was easy to return to frustration. On Thurs, we have a court date that she wanted cancelled because she says she has to pay the atty and that it will be a waste now that she has moved in - one is to hold her in contempt of court for not letting me see my girls or have my overnites with them - the other is case management.

I need pray. I do want this marriage restored and I do want to stand in the gap for her still. Yet, I am reserved to the fact that she has not changed one bit no matter how much prayer has been offered.

JoeCM,
Place your prayer on the weekly prayer request posting March 10th so more people will see it.

I'll pray for you brother.

My W filed (I rec'd it) just around the same time as you did yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please pray that I find the strength to love. That I can get over the pain of love not returned and anger. I find I still have it since it was easy to return to frustration. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ask for this constantly. I love my W, and I find I have to keep asking God to help me forgive her (for filing). As for the anger....I tell God to "...restore my M, I've changed..." Within 2 seconds a car cuts me off on the highway and I flash my lights at him in anger (less than what I used to do, but...) and God shows me I still have quite a ways to go. Humbling and frustrating. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Peace,
ttsmm

Joe and Trying,

My heart goes out to both of you. I can hear your pain, frustration and hurt coming through your posts. I just want to reach out to you and give you such a big hug! {{{{{{{{{{TRYING}}}}}}}} and {{{{{{{{{{{{{JOE}}}}}}}}. I too know what it feels like to keep reaching out in love to your S to just have them brush you away like you never mattered. It hurts. It's so painful. You lose your self-esteem very quickly. I remember going to my H's room and him telling me that he didn't love me, looking at me straight in the eyes. Telling me that she was the woman he's waited for all his life (like I never made him feel good). I remember one time especially when we had first spoken after he left. I had reminded him that one night, I had to have tests done to see if I had breast cancer. We were both very scared and he was very supportive, holding my hand, anxious to hear the results of the tests. Turns out I didn't have breast cancer, but I remember that the night before the results came back, I had fallen asleep before him and I woke in the middle of the night, staying exactly as I was, not moving, & I heard my H praying. He said to God, God, I love this woman so much. Please keep her with me. Thank you for her. She is so precious. Thank you for allowing me to love her. Don't take her away from me, please. I remembered this prayer and it made me feel so loved. Well, during this conversation with him, I reminded him of that night. He denied ever saying that prayer. I asked him, Well what about my breast cancer scare? Weren't you afraid of losing me? You loved me Adam. Don't deny it. He replied, No, I was concerned that the kids wouldn't have a mother. That hit me like a ton of bricks! I couldn't believe that after 12 years, of all the trials, deaths, births, the things we had shared over the years, he could tell me in an instant that he didn't love me and not even hesitate. I remember him being down here & telling me that he would fight me tooth and nail to get custody of at least one of the kids. He was taking Jovan, the 13 yr old, whether I liked it or not. He didnt care if I would cry because my son was no longer here. He didn't care if his brother and sister would miss him terribly. He wanted things HIS way. I couldn't believe this was the man I married.

There were so many times that I felt I could no longer love this man. That I could no longer continue to be friendly toward him and smile. All I wanted to do was cry, beat his chest, pull his hair out, heck, pull MY hair out! I don't know how many times I fell on my knees and cried to God to have mercy on me! Apologizing over & over for the destruction that I had caused my household. Praying continously to reach Adam's heart, his soul, his mind, convict him of his sins, show him that I was his true calling.

It is perfectly human to have those type of feelings. To feel hurt, angry, frustrated. Allow yourself to feel those feelings. Do not try to shut them out. The goal is though, when you feel that way, to immediately pray. I can remember praying in the middle of one of Adam's speeches about how he was SO happy on his own and that he is truly FREE now. I kept praying & smiling all the while, telling myself over & over that those were Satan's words coming out of his mouth. Satan had such a tight grip on him and he wouldn't let go. But I rebuked him, binded him, in the name of Jesus and I finally told God, I give Him to you. There is nothing I can say, do, that will help him. Only you can help him. Please Lord, do not allow my H to suffer in the pit of torment. Rescue him from the pits of hell and rise him to your glory! Loosen Satan's grip and lead him, guide his every footstep.

I understand your pain and I wish I could make it better but I know only One who can. When you feel this way, talk to Him. Tell Him, Lord, I'm feeling very frustrated today. Ease my frustration and calm my fears. Help me to overcome my anger and hurt and rely solely on your comfort alone. Guide me in my every move, my every step, so I walk in your path and teach me how to be the person I need to be to show Christ's love at all times.

Remember, you are not in this alone. He is holding your hand, carrying you when necessary. He will help you with your frustrations, your fears, your anger, all in His timing though. And sometimes he will use your weaknesses to reach out to someone else. Trying, you have helped me stay focused on the Lord so much throughout this whole time, I cannot thank you enough! Just keep remembering that faith is in things UNseen. No matter what your W says, does or doesn't do, God is still in control and He WILL guide her footsteps, yours too, if you ask Him. I know it doesn't seem that way by the way your W's are acting, but believe me, He is working His power. It's just in the meantime, it can be very scary to wait on His timing. So do what you need to do to take away those fears. Sing praises to Him, dance, work out, whatever you have to do to re-focus your energies and have strength for another day. I'm praying for you my brothers.

Sorry I never replied. It has been very very very hard. As all of you know. I just posted a prayer request. Make a long story short - my wife returned so that she can get me to divorce her. The pain is now worse than it was then and you are correct - it is easy to remember that they are decieved. She had me cancel the D and now that we have paperwork to do it correctly she does not want to sign. She talks to me about the future and as a family doing things and then she goes and sees the guy and then calls him. Anyways.... Thanks.... I needed to read your post tonite - it has reminded me of what God wishes.....

I have sat her watching her with this guy - hands all over each other - calling it love - is it? He is a christian according to him - yet he thinks it is ok to be with my wife. His wife left him for his best friend and he understands how i feel. Can you imagine the audacity? Do you think my wife is playing me for a fool? This miracle has made it tougher - you really do need to know what you are asking God for. I do not believe in divorce - and I will not give her one even though she has taken the knife out of the back and is now stabbing me in the heart. God will work things out for Good - I just pray it is for us to love one another until death do us part - the way He meant it to be and not the way I made it.

Joe