I am asking for all of your prayers...I recently cheated on my husband with a man I met incidentally through business online. Neither one of us was looking for an affair or a lover and neither one of us has ever cheated on our spouse. We became friends online in dealing with business and decided to meet for lunch after a few months of very platonic business talk....it was like love at first sight for both of us....we basically had fallen head over heels with no effort on either part. We saw each other a total of 7 times over a 3wk. period and it wasnt until our 7th visit that we actually went as far as to cheat and since then both of us decided we cannot do this anymore and dont want to lose our spouses and risk our marriages. I am a Christian woman although one would never be able to tell based on what I did....I am so heartbroken over the whole thing....asked God to forgive me and am trying to go on. The 7th visit just happened 2 nights ago and Im still dealing with the loss of him...my husband and I have been fighting for years and I guess I just fell for someone who showed me so much happiness......I am still trying to make it work with my husband of 5.5 years and am asking for your prayers for our marriage as well as your prayers that God will heal my heart in losing a very good friend (the man I cheated with)......any positive response would be greatly appreciated.....thank you

Dear Fell,
First I am thankful that you have come here looking for help. Many here have gone thru the same thing and will be here to support you and advise you. The first thing you need to do is get on your knees and get things right with God. It is called repentence. Your relationship with God is of first priority. Ask Him to forgive you, and He is "quick and just to forgive". Then I would urge you to go see a pastor who either counsels, or can recommend someone who is of sound Christian doctrine.

Hopefully the counselor will help you recognize the reasons why this happened. With all due respect, affairs just don't happen. Maybe because of the division between you and your husband, you were actually opening the door for one to happen for a long time. I would urge you to reconsider having this person as a so called "friend". He saw your unmet needs,[preying men see these things. Preying, not praying!], and manipulated you into the bedroom. I realize that in your eyes you are attached to this man, but actually he has stolen from you, your husband, his own wife, and from God. He needs to get help for himself and his wife as well.
Eventually you are going to have to tell your husband. I ask that God will help you with that process. I am glad that you want to save your marrriage because no matter how much greener the grass looks on the other side, it never is! So now is the time to get things right with God, yourself, and your husband.

God Bless
sg

I understand your name well, FallenFromGrace -- I felt exactly as you do once... oh, about four years ago. I am going to say some things to you that you *may* not want to hear, but that you *need* to hear. Please know that I am praying as I type, soas not to bring negativity to you at this vulnerable time when you already feel terrible.

First, a little about me: I am/was a Christian woman who had an affair, and it resulted in one trip to a hotel room for sex. I told my H that night. Well, I should say my ex-H, because we are now divorced and I am remarried to my second H. My first marriage died, because of my affair. Yes, there were other reasons... my first H cheated a few times, both before and after my affair. But I was trusting in God to heal our marriage when he cheated the first times (he had 3 OW in the late 80's) - and He did. After my affair, he cheated on me with several more - one a full-fledged physical affair, and I hated myself so much I couldn't conceive of a healing. I filed for divorce, didn't want it but did, he signed the papers, didn't want to but did, and then I met my new H, and jumped right into a marriage. Not my wisest move, but he is wonderful - thank God. Could have gone another way.

Okay, now for the words you may not want to hear, but I believe you need to hear them:

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...our 7th visit that we actually went as far as to cheat... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the first things you need to do is to face that you were cheating, if only emotionally, the FIRST time you met this man. In fact, possibly before. After all, plans had to be made... and someone had to say those first words that attracted the other... that line that's crossed... you know the one, I know you do. I remember with the OM (Other Man) in my situation -- he came to me and said he thought he was in love with me. I worked with him. I *should* have said: Are you NUTS! I'm married! I've been married for 18 years and I NEVER will cheat." Instead I said "Really?"... and you know the rest.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my husband and I have been fighting for years and I guess I just fell for someone who showed me so much happiness</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I understand. My (then)H cheated on me, treated me like the dirt on his shoes, was borderline abusive (some say completely abusive - I have a hard time admitting that - but I cuold tell you stories)... point is, he was not a nice man a lot of the time. But my CHOICE to have an affair was just that: A CHOICE. You need to take FULL responsibility for YOUR CHOICE. You cannot begin to truly heal until you do that.

All throughout this board you will read that you must tell your H of your affair. I have always been an advocate of that, although my disclosure story is a hell-on-earth story. I won't go into that... but what I can tell you is that unless he *knows* how close he came to losing you, how can he correct what he's doing to keep you? I will not tell you you MUST tell, or MUST NOT tell... only you know if there are abuse issues or some reasons you haven't yet shared that make that dangerous. I would suggest however that if you tell, that you do so in a counselor's office where it is safe.

The main thing to remember through all this is that you ARE a child of God, and that he DOES forgive. That's almost the easy part, if you're like me. Forgiving yourself is much harder. I'm not sure you're "there yet" because you've only recently been with the OM. This is the beginning of a long road for you -- and I'm praying for a healing path.

By the way -- if you have any reason to talk to OM -- don't do it. Don't email him, delete him and block him, get rid of his number on your cell, and change your number. There must be NO CONTACT. If you MUST see him for work, I would encourage you to quit your job. I had to do that, and I waited too long. That hurt my marriage too... perhaps more than the affair itself.

I know you're on the prayer board and want gentle responses, I gathered that from your first post. Maybe you've visted some other sections and didn't like the harshness of responses. I know how that feels too. I hope you don't see this as harsh -- I don't mean it to be. I just see someone who, like me, needed someone who'd **been there** to reach out. I hope you see this post in that light.

Thanks for responding to her Sheryl. She needs to know that we support her and want to help her thru this. God bless you for speaking to her with love.

sg

Sheryl,

What a beautiful post! The things you said were filled with such love. Thank God that you prayed while you were typing! This has always helped me too when I need to say something & I'm not quite sure how to say it without sending harsh.

Fell,

I may sound like a broken record in repeating what Sheryl & Single have told you, but this is so true. The first step in healing is admitting what you have done, and taking steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. First step is to ask God for forgiveness and He will start to heal you. As Single has said, confess to your H & pray that God will work on his heart to hear your sincerity in repentance. We are all here for you and praying for you. Come here often for encouragement. Welcome to our family!

God bless sister,

To all of you who responded - thank you for your response and most importantly for your prayers...yes I have beat myself up tremendously and understand what all of you are saying...I take full responsibility for what happened though and do not blame the man I cheated with.....As a Christian I should have been the one to be the example.....I blame myself for that.....it hurts me to think I could have ever done any of this....I know I cannot be friends with him or talk to him anymore and we haven't since that night because we agreed that none of it was right and we had to stop. He also felt guilty for doing this to his wife....he did not want to ruin his marriage....I still ask for your prayers for me to forgive myself as I know God has forgiven me but my guilt alone is enough punishment as I do not even know who I am....A month ago if someone told me I would have done this I would have bet my life on it that it would never happen to me.....you know the Bible says pride cometh before a fall and it most certainly did. The one thing I have learned from this is to be less judgmental of others and more forgiving of others....my entire life I though cheaters were awful, disqusting people and look at me now - I am one of those people that I could not understand. This has been a life altering lesson for me.........so many things to deal with....emotions.....Need to repair relationship with the Lord first...get my spirituality back where it needs to be before I can do anything else. I thank you for your prayers and ask you to pray for me as often as you can.

Father God, I ask that You would bring Fell into a closer walk with You than she has ever had before. I ask that You would remove all fear, and that You would put a peace and a joy into her heart that can only come from You. Be with her, regardless of what is yet to come. Father, I ask that You would make this test that she is going thru bring her to a new level of seeking You. Trusting You. Coming to You in prayer Lord. Father, she has turned pride into humility. Give her a ministry, and help her to abandon judgement. Father, I ask that You would soften and prepare both hearts for what is to come in the days ahead. Be with them both as they begin to work thru the hurt and the pain of what has happened. Father, this marriage was your creation, Your covenant, protect it Lord! Father, let Fell find peace in the 23 Psalm. Let the Holy Spirit minister with the words of that poem of love. Tell her that You will NEVER leave her nor forsake her. That she is Yours until the end of eternity. Restore her Father, as You have done with each and everyone of us. In Jesus name. Amen

Singleguy -

God bless you for you prayers, your faith, your encouragement. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for caring to pray for me and my husband and this entire situation. Although this situation is only days old.....I am starting to feel a little more peace with it. I feel though that I should not tell my husband about what happened because it only relieves my guilt but causes a tremendous amount of damage to him and the future of our marriage. I dont see the point in doing this because I chose to stop it because I did not want to lose my husband over something like this and wanted the chance to continue to try and make it work. Does this make sense to anyone? Does anyone see the point to tell him? He knows how close he came to losing me because he had moved out prior to this happening for about a period of a week.....I just dont know what to do as far as that is concerned...I know he would never stay in the marriage if he knew. I would have no chance of making this work. I think some of you will think its selfish of me not to tell him but I think its selfish of me to tell him because it only makes me feel better....what good does it do? I can understand if asked about something like this that to lie would be a sin......but if it is never brought up, why tell? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated....please continue in prayer. Thanks for being there....you are all I have....no one knows about this except for my forum friends and I need encouragment and strength from God because I know how awful it is what I did and I am very humble and am extremely ashamed and disqusted at myself.. I honestly hate myself at this point and just want to redeem myself in God's eyes. Thank you so much.

I also want to add that my husband is not abusive physically so that would not be a concern. However, I have had 5 years worth of verbal abuse which is why I think I fell for this other man. As far as this other man goes, it started out as a very platonic friendship. We did not part on bad terms but decided we could not ever talk or see each other again. That was that.

Of course I take full responsibility for what happened here....my heart is so heavy because I enabled this other man to commit adultery when as a Christian I should have prevented that and that kills me so much. I am so ashamed....I just have to keep in mind the part of the Bible where Jesus tells the woman who committed adultery that he forgave her and to "go and sin no more."

New-Beginning -

Thank you so much for taking the time to address my issues - I agree with just about everything you said...and understand you have gone thru this same situation....please continue to pray and I would appreciate any more guidance you can provide...you sound very wise....as you have experienced a lot of these same things...yes I know the line that was crossed where the friendship went to flirting and so on....all it took was a few words spoken by him initially to take our friendship to another level. I never had any desire or plans to ever meet him in person. We were just helping each other out over the computer for business reasons and so quickly all of this happened...I feel terrible because it was not worth it...why was I so stupid not to realize that with both of us being married that it would go no where? Not to mention the fact that I dont even beleive in premarital sex and had we both been single I would have still committed a terrible sin before the Lord. I just got caught up in emotion and fantasy and the longing to be wanted and treated nice and the feelings of a "new love." What a mistake.

Anyway I enjoy your comments and please ask that you also continue to be there. I think having friends to talk to about this will help me grow spiritually. As I said before you are all I have......I cannot talk to anyone about this....no one! God bless all of you for caring.

Fell,

Mind if I chime in here? Something you said really disturbed me. As I am the BS (Betrayed Spouse) in my case, I can tell you that not telling your H will cause more damage than telling him. BELIEVE ME! Honesty is always, always, always the best policy. Yes, confessing to your H will relieve you of some of your guilt, you'll be glad to "get it off your chest", but let me ask you this...I'm taking this is the first time this has happened for you. Your H will continue to think you've been a "faithful" wife, when in reality, you're not. He will have been deceived. He believes you are something that you're not. You have to be held accountable for your actions. Every action holds a consequence, unfortunately.

I have no doubt that you are very remorseful and wish you could just undo all that has been done; however, withholding this information from your H will cause more damage than telling him. People, usually, are hurt worse by a lie than the truth. Yes, they will be angry. Yes, they will hurt, but tell me, won't he be hurt worse when he finds out from some other source (you never know) than from his own wife?

No one on this board knows that this is the 2nd time my H has committed adultery. The first time was about 10 years ago when we were in our 2nd year of M. We were living with my parents at the time and things were very, very rocky on the homefront. He moved in with his brother for a short time to work in a different town. During this time, he had a ONS. He never told me about it. When he came home, he never mentioned anything and I was none the wiser. She, the OW, told me about it about 2 years later but I didn't believe her because she was very jealous of our relationship and she did just about anything to tear us apart. My H denied it, saying that she was a troublemaker & was just trying to cause problems. I believed him. I trusted him with everything, her with nothing. I thought she was lying. About 3 years ago, he finally confessed to me that it indeed happened because he could not live with the guilt any longer. I was devastated. I was so angry and felt so betrayed. NOt because of the ONS, but rather, the fact of the lie. I had trusted this man with everything, and he had lied to me, to my face. That fumed me. It took me a very long time to get over it and forgive them both.

Now, 10 years later, he had a full blown EA with another OW. This time he left me for her. When he told me he was leaving, I specifically asked him if there was OW involved. He told me no. He again lied to me. We were separated for 5 months. Although he is back now and we are working together to try & get some normalcy back in our lives again, I can still remember the lies, the secrets, and it is making it very hard to trust him again. Please don't make this same mistake. Tell your husband. Although he might get angry & react the way you think he might, he deserves to know.

Let me ask you this -- would you trust someone who withheld a humongous secret from you? Reverse the roles a little bit. Would you rather be hurt by the truth than with a lie? This is something you need to ask yourself & you will find the answer on whether or not you should tell your H. And pray, pray, pray for the answer. It lies within you. God will give you an answer on what you should do, just be prepared to hear what you might not want to hear.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, I was not trying to do that. I'm trying to help you. But as a person who has had this happen to, I can tell you of my experiences and my reaction to this very big secret. I don't believe you're giving your H very much credit. He just might surprise you. And as I said before, we are all here for you. Pray often and get as close to God as possible. He will help see you through this. If you decide to tell him, pray for the right words and pray that He open your H's heart to forgiveness.

Hope you're not angry for me putting my 2 cents worth. Remember you are a child of God and when you go to your Father and confess your sins, He forgives them & wraps his arms around you and gives you a great big Fatherly hug. Know that you are not alone, He is always with you and He will be with you, as long as you ask HIm, if you decide to have a sit-down with your hubby.

God bless you, Fell, and we are all here if you need to talk some more. I'll be praying for you & your H.

Singleguy,

Also, since I am new here - I was wondering what your situation is - have you been through a divorce as a result of wife cheating? I am in my mid 20's been married 5.5 yrs......feel like I am being blessed with good advice from strong Christians....I will read Psalm 23 tonight please pray again that the HS minister to me through those words. Thank you...

Standing-Together -

Thank you for your comments....understand what you are saying and will continue to pray for guidance for that....thanks so much...please pray for me.....

Hi again FellFromGrace,

You're getting some wonderful responses and heartfelt prayers from the good people here. That is truly a blessing, isn't it?

I want to reach out and help you, and I hope what I've written thus far *has*... however... I'm afraid something that I wasn't expecting came up and bit me in the hiney. Sometimes, even years after something like this (an affair), a trigger can hit and take you right back to the beginning. You'll find this out as you go down the road.

While I want to "be there" to share your pain, I find myself in a quandry -- reliving the pain right now has become impossibly difficult for me. Unfortunately, as I shared with you, my first marriage did not survive the affair, and the consequences of my actions have had far-reaching implications. I pray that your situation is NOTHING like mine -- that your marriage will heal, and that you will know you are forgiven by God and by your husband. Mostly, what I want you to do is forgive yourself. I personally have had some trouble with that.

I will be praying ernestly for you.

God Bless you Fell.. and remember, when you fall... God is there to pick you up... or you can pick yourself up... either way, God is there for you!

Fell,
Welcome to the prayer forum. You are getting some great advice from your brothers and sisters here, and they truly care about you.

I'll give you my two cents worth, and being the wayward spouse in my marriage, I hope it is helpful.

Had an affair over five years ago. It lasted about 4 months. During that time I was "in the fog" as we call it here. So much so, that I rubbed my wife's face in it by introducing her the OW at all place the beach. This was under the pretense that "several people at work" were going to the beach. Did I mention, I work with OW.
During my fog days, I wanted out of the marriage and my wife thought I was having an A. I swore up and down that I wasn't. I became a great lier. Before the A ended, my W got pregnant and I told her that I didn't think it was good time because I didn't think we would stay married. So we had an abortion, this so-called good Catholic boy now broke each commandment at least once.

After the A ended, we tried counselling together, separate, whatever. Every time my W would ask if I had had, or was having an A, I would deny it. My denial was easily justified by my theralists, "If you are trying to work on the marriage, don't tell her." Did I mention none of these therapists were believers. So I bought into my lying.
Even when my W told me about her aunt and uncle who had gone on a religious retreat and had to write about themselves; the priest wanted them to share their writings. When the priest saw that he had had several A's, he tore it up. Not until several years later, did she find out in counselling. Even with that story, I still lied to my W, saying I had been faithful.
Three years after the A, all our fighting because "my W just knew" (as will your H - IMVHO), and the headaches from trying to remember the story, her wanting to put me on a lie detector test, her saying she rather know the truth than live with a lier...I finally caved in and confessed.
After that the M went south very fast. However, I thought that with our new MC (another non-believer) we were working on our M. But now that I came clean with the A, I wanted to not think about it anymore, so I became indignant when she would ask about the details.
Back in May '03, she filed a TRO against me for DV (verbal) and when that was overturned and I returned to our home, she had filed for D.

Long story but the biggest thing here was not, "you cheated on me", but, "you lied to my face when I asked you." Do I think I could have saved the M if I had have told the truth back in the beginning? I think things would have been better.

How will you answer your H 2, 5, 10 years from now, when he asks you, "Sweetie, when I left the house for a week, how were things? Did you miss me?" You answer, "Of course I did?", or "What do you think?" Then he comes back with, "Funny, I was talking with Jack today at the carwash today and he told me his brother Bill had met this hot girl and cheatd on his wife. I don't think you met Jack, but what about Bill?"
So now not only have you cheated on your H, albeit over ten years ago, and it lasted 3 days (not sure of actual duration), but now you have lied to him for the last 10 years. HE has been living with a cheater and a lier for the last years. The last ten years of the marriage, to the woman he made a covenant with, has been lying to him. His thoughts, "Wonder what other things she has lied to me about? Wait, I remember that time at my company Christmas party when she was dancing with David, my boss. Did she....." You will have destroyed him and the last 10 years of your life with him.
Plus, since you intend to no longer have contact with the OM, how do you know he won't have a concious and tell his wife, someday. Even if he told you he never would, remember, he's lied before, he cheated on his wife. What convenantdoes he have with you to keep his word?

Point I am making is, yes you cheated, yes it is over (don't let your pride interfere again - it's over as long as you get on your knees and ask God for His help, His guidance, His love, His mercy, His forgiveness), yes you lied to him. You need to tell him.

After those first three years for me after the A, I know the trust was completely shattered. It might not have been if I had spoken with humility and confessed.

I am not saying it is going to be easy, and I agree with the others here about doing it in front of a godly counselor. With my situation, I still have things (times & dates mostly) to tell my wife, but until we are in a counselors office, I won't. Am I being a hypocrite, perhaps <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . But it was the initial lying that caused the present state of my marriage.

I hope I have not beaten you up too much. This is only my experience and my very humble opinion (IMMVHO). Pray, repent, worship, petition God for insight, wisdom, and answers.

Father, we thank You for rescuing Fell from the destructive path she was trodding upon. We thank You for opening her eyes to her sin, and for softening her heart to repentance. Father, look after Your child and send the Holy Spirit to guide her on her journey of truth. Not only truth in Your Word, but truth in her marriage, truth to her husband. We know that You look after Your children and comfort them when they cry out to You. Hear the prayers of your child, Fell, and ease her mind, her heart and her soul. We ask You, Father, that you open the eyes of her husdand to work on any issues in this marriage that are not strong, secure and full of Your Love. Convict his heart as well for his sins in the marriage. Lastly, Dear Father, we ask to watch over, heal and protect the marriage of the other man. This we ask of You, through the Graces of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

God's Peace with you, and your husband, on the journey ahead,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

Trying,

YOur post was absolutely beautiful! So heartfelt and full of the Holy Spirit. I'm close to tears right now. God bless you brother! YOu have grown so much since your time on here. I admire you for your honesty. Have a wonderul day!

TryingToSaveMyMarriage -

Thank you so much for taking the time to express your feelings. I agree with what you are saying and understand your wife's feelings because I know what it feels like to be lied to and of course I think that most of us would rather know the truth than to be lied in the face.....My husband has no reason to think that I have done this....as terrible as it is.....he has moved out many times over the course of the marriage - we lived in Florida now but every where we have lived if ever we got into it he would leave for a short time....anyway, I just do not see the point here...the other man will not tell his wife...there are so many ramifications if I tell my husband....he will then tell the other man's wife which I feel that it is not his place to tell her in this particular situation......the other man has so much at stake as far as his career - he could and very possibly would lose everything and I cannot do that to him.....I am not keeping this from my husband for my sake but more for the other two people involved....I dont want her to be destroyed by this.......I dont want my husband to be destroyed by this....it was a mistake.....a meaningless one and I just cant see the sense in telling him at this point. Please pray for me because I do not want to lie - and if I am asked directly about whether I have ever cheated I dont think I can lie about it.....My husband has never asked me that before....I have never asked him that before....there were times he stayed out partying all night when we weren't getting along and would come home at 5 am - How do I know he didnt have a one night stand? He would never confess it if he did and I will never know the truth........Thank you so much for all of your responses and for caring....I need all of my forum friends right now so much because I have no one in the world to talk to at all....no one but you brothers and sisters and the Lord knows about what I have done....please continue to help me - and try not to beat me up too bad because there is nothing worse than knowing I have let the Lord down and my own concience is killing me....so please....I know what I did was so wrong....I dont know why I even did it....I have never been promiscuous, always been a Christian and I've never desired sex from another man....I just dont know why I did it - I honestly think I lost my mind.....during that 3 wk. period....like I had a nervous breakdown or something.......keep praying for me....thank you.