I am just wondering how effective this would be to read up on all the divorce books to prepare yourself of what you may be going through for when the time comes, whether it's in a year or couple of years. I just wonder if reading up on all of the divorce books will help ease the pain (since you will know what to expect) when I go to divorce. I know probably members have read these books after the fact. But, I am just wondering if reading before the fact would help matters at all. I am just afraid, I guess, of all the posts I read how depressed and angry and ready to jump off the bridge parts...etc...

I don't think so. I think getting a good counselor is a better idea if you can afford it.<P>I found "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by, er, I forget, very helpful. But the "divorce books" like "Divorce for Dummies" and what not are more directed at how to impose a divorce on somebody else that works out to your best advantage. It doesn't hurt to read them just so you know what to do, but I don't think you'll find any emotional support there.<BR>

Dear Katya ( of the same name as me ),<BR>I'm not sure about that one.<BR>I never thought about it.<BR>The first thing that comes to mind is that I don't think it would be helpefull. After all if things are turning away from divorce instead of the opposite it seems that it might not be the best idea. WHo knows it might create a negative effect, or something.<BR>But I haven't been here much, so I'm not current on your situation, are things going the D way with you guys? <P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Dear Nonplused, I thought about the counseling route to prepare but figured that maybe books are better,...I don't know.<P>Dear Kat1:<BR>Yes, I know we have the same name. That still makes me laugh. But, to answer your question..yeah, I can see us not being together down the road. Things are not working out. He's not trying but coasting in this marriage. He hasn't done anything to make things work since I found out about his affair about 2 months now. There is still has not been any intimacy or sex. So, the same story goes on. I am beginning to feel that I really don't think that I want to spend the rest of my life sexless, affectionateless, etc. I deserve better. This is not better. I deserve to be treated like a wife, like someone who feels loved and cherished. This is not love and cherished. I want to feel like a woman should. This is not how a woman should feel nor should have to live the rest of her life like this. I am only 40 years old and will not spend the rest of my life with someone who is disrepectful and all the above. Sooooo, this is why I am thinking about what way I can prepare myself, so when the time comes I wouldn't have to be so devastted like so many people on this forum. I want to be prepared. But, since I never went through a divorce or separation, I don't know if that is the way to go to prepare. I have tried everything under the sun and nothing works. I feel that if he really wanted me and this marriage, he would be working his butt off and not the other way around. I would be gone if it wasn't for our 2 small children....

Dear Katya, I can see how discouraging it is for you to feel your needs not met. But hear me out. Maybe your situation just needs more time. It was something that rocked both of you. WE would think - wrong, by the way - that the betrayer would be able to start making things better right away as soon as he/she found that the goal was to continue and better the marriage. It is not so in most cases I know - including mine -. The betrayer also has many issues and feelings to deal with even though he might want the marriage to work. ANd that takes time. If it helps any, in my case the affair went on for about 4 months. I gave him enough time to decide and work on all issues he might have, and still it took about 2/3 more months until things could be considered good. There were times were he was feeling so guilty he would actually turn away from me instead of reaching out for me. Still it worked. <BR>I know that each situation is diferent and the way of feeling and dealing with things is different in each one of us, but maybe counseling could help both of you there, and some more time might work as well.<P>Hugs to you<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Katya,<P>I had to work on my divorce first...<BR>I only found MB at the end of September...<P>and... my W filed for divorce in April... I had to counter-file... since the issue of child custody came up... Now she left the kids with me!<P>With all that being said... I have to agree with Kat1! Had I known about marriage builders back in April... I would have done <B>some</B> things differently... <P>There are a few things that did work out becase of my research... I did get the kids... I did get a restraining order for no overnights between my kids and W's OM. I got my W to (indirectly) build some of her self-esteem, by getting a job (her decision too because she rents an expensive apartment w/ OM living with her... so she gets no alimony)...<P>But along the way... divorce leads to some love busting... It's unavoidable.<P>If you think you're a long way off from the divorce... don't bother getting books on divorce...get some of the other books I mentoned in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009968.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books...</A> post.<P>Prayers...<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Dear Kat1 and NSR:<BR>Thanks for responding. It would be a different matter if my husband was trying. It would be different if he wanted to go to counseling. But, the fact of the matter is, is that he will go a couple of times and then not want to go. It's been like that for years. He says he wants to try and will go. It's been 2 months after his affair and still no change in him. I would even be glad if there was a slight change or to see that he is even trying. But, he is just wasting my time. That's the way I feel about it. Yes, he could be dealing with some issues, but, there is no change in the way he treats me or the way he works in the marriage. It's just one big goose egg. I just can't foresee me being with him down the road. It's been 2 years and going ...without sex, affection, intimacy. it's like he is just coasting in this marriage. He's also a bore. All he does is complain. Everytime we decide to go somewhere, especially with the kids, he whines and complains and gets this negative attitude. Until it effects me and then I get upset, then he decides he's fine and then I am suppose to make a turn around because he decided to be fine. I have come to the point where I hate going anywhere with him. I hate being around him. I am actually happy when he is not home. My world is a much happier place because he is so miserable. Counseling hasn't done anything for our marriage. I am very open and verbal and so he knows exactly what I need and want in the marriage and from him but he is unwilling to give it to me. Now that Christmas time is coming, he wants to get me a gift. I don't want one and told him so. He has treated me horribly the whole year and gets me nothing, no surprises, no little notes or anything. But, now that he is "suppose" to get something for christmas, he expects me to do the same. I have always treated him like gold. I loved him and never even looked at another guy. He was my world. Now, things are different. I truly won't say that I will stop an affair, like I said before. Before, I would have never even thought about such a thing. Now,...I don't know. I'm not looking for one. But, my marriage is totally ridiculous. I know you said each situation is different, but, this one is long over due for all that I have been missing. I deserve to be treated with respect just like everyone on the marriage builders. I deserve to be treated like a woman, like a wife. I deserve to be happy just like everyone should be happy. I did not marry him to be treated like this. I surely didn't wait 35 years of my life to marry someone that treats me like a piece of furniture. So, this is why I asked the question in the first place. I cannot see me with him down the road or even now. But, now I can't do anything about it since my kids are so very small and i am not financially able to get away. I refuse to depend on him or anyone. So, when I do decide to go, I will be financially ready and want to be mentally ready.

Katya,<P>I don't know the history of your H...<BR>but it certainly sounds like H <B>could</B> be in a long term depression.<P>I am no expert, but from what you write about his lethargic behavior... inattentivenss... etc., H should get a "check-up" at least.<P>Maybe if you could talk to H's physician up front... let the doctor know about H's "attitude/demeanor/behavior"... your doctor could make a <B>strong</B> recommendation for some form of mandatory counseling/analysis and/or medication...<P>I hear your despair... and I feel for you...<BR>Prayers for guidance to where you are heading... <BR>But... think about some professional (medical) help too...<P>Jim