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#345659 03/05/04 12:10 AM
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Dear Prayer Warriors,

I'm not kidding when I say that I don't *know* what happened today! In saying that, yes, I saw the "result" but I don't know how it "got there"...

I have been thinking and praying about this since this evening, and came back on to write this... I hope that it is taken as I intend... sincerely... and with sorrow.

If you look at my past posts (all 5000+ of them) you will see that I've never deleted anything that detailed my story. My life, as they say, has been an open book. However this time, today, for the first time, I did. Part of it was to protect someone else's privacy, and part of it was because I had written things, new things, that I didn't want to relive.

You are right, those of you who say that I live in the past. I do. And I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's something I've struggled with, have sought counseling for, and have prayed about for many years. But to re-write/re-live it, is to remind myself of what I'm suppose to be putting behind me. I hope that makes sense.

I regret coming here in the first place - NOT because of any of you - you've been wonderful - but because I am *not* in the same spiritual place that many of you are. I'm not, and I don't know if I ever will be.

I didn't want to just disappear without a proper apology for bringing negativity into your safe place. Like I said, it was never my intention.

God bless you all,

#345660 03/05/04 03:57 AM
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Sheryl,

Your heart and passion is what we want and need here. Nothing else matters.

If you are going to disappear, then this wasn't a safe place and we here have some things to learn. Being able to share where you are, needs to happen without fear, anxiety or embarrassment.

I'm sorry for what has happened. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

S&C

#345661 03/05/04 09:45 AM
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Sheryl,

S&C hit it right on the head. Please hear what he said. None of us are in the same spiritual place, and probably never will be. God has a different course for each of us. We all have our gifts, and our burdens. Please understand that your past is not important to me. I have never gone back a read anyone's past. It doesn't matter, I already know the story! What I care about is your future! And part of your future is here with us, until God calls you elsewhere. You have been a blessing to me. If you were here, I'd give you a big hug and a smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Nothing would be gained by your leaving. What would it accomplish? Running never fixes anything, it only multiplies the problem. Stick with us girl, we are on our way to the promised land!!! You're part of this body, and we'd bleed if we lost you!

From a brother who loves ya as you are!
sg

#345662 03/05/04 09:59 AM
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nb,
I did not see your orig posting so I don't know what all of this is about, BUT, I do know that everyone who comes to this page is a sinner (BS and WS) and ALL OF US need God's help in our lives and our marriages. Just like you, I am an open book on this forum, although I just discovered on another thread that someone didn't know I had done something. It wasn't out of fear, shame or pride, I honestly thought that I had mentioned it, probably in naother forum here at MB.
Anyway, we are not going to accept any excuse for leaving this forum, especially "I regret coming here in the first place - NOT because of any of you - you've been wonderful - but because I am *not* in the same spiritual place that many of you are. I'm not, and I don't know if I ever will be." That is not our job to judge. We are all students here, and we are all teachers here, and we are definitely all children of God here.
If you feel the urge to say/type something and than edit it later on, that is your perogative(sp). I ask that you make certain it is God guiding you to remove it and not your ego, pride, etc. Sometimes, God allows us to be foolish, to grind off some those rough edges that we won't let go of.
I know I am going to face some difficult times here on this forum because of something I posted on another thread. But, perhaps, that is how God wants to tell me and guide me.

Thank you for coming to this forum and for staying here.

Love you sis,
Christ Love be with you,
ttsmm

PS I pray that when I reach a thousand+ postings I will have my M restored. Don't know why, I felt the urge to say that.

#345663 03/05/04 10:22 AM
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I would like to reply to this but I need time to pray for the right words to say. I am thinking about you Sheryl. God bless you today!

#345664 03/05/04 10:27 AM
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Sheryl,

Trying is so right, we are all sinners. Everyone of us has garbage in our past, that's why I don't go back and dig for anything. Whether it's abortion, adultery, theft, lying, stealing, it doesn't matter. It's all the same. And anything we have done has been done by past generations too. We haven't invented anything! Man, I've got junk way back there too. My goal here is not to judge the "wound", but to help it heal! The only time that it's helpful to know what happened is so we know how to treat it. But ALL of it can be healed by the BLOOD of Jesus. We must remember that. He is also the great PHYSICIAN! He can heal us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So please don't leave. Tomorrow there may be a gal come on that desperately needs you, and God assigned her to you to help her! Please stay!

sg

#345665 03/05/04 10:41 AM
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Sheryl,

What to say??

First of all, I also really don't have a good handle on all that happened yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I do know that I spent a lot of yesterday in tears and soul searching, etc.

I guess really that is not a bad thing. God was doing a healing in me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

At the risk of another lecture I will restate:

God sometimes takes us a bit deeper and reveals one more layer of healing. Sometimes we "think" we have an area of our lives beat and God will take us just a little deeper and "test" that area to make sure it is sturdy and sound and unshakable.

Like even Jesus, we will have the enemy come to us time and time again to taunt us saying; "hath God said??".

In my case, I had a powerful day of prayer 3 years ago (which I shared here) and dealing with stuff and a powerful vision etc, and I KNOW what God did for me. I was just having a bad day. I think I am on track today again. But I realize I DO struggle a lot in this area.

YOU helped to bring the REAL issue in my life to the surface by your own "wonderings". As I tried to give you some bread to feed your soul, the major hole in my own soul lie bare.

I realized that I have DEALT with my befores and my yesterdays but there are still little tiny doubts that I carry on a daily basis. The little "foxes" that eat a way at my crop so to speak. God is so good to not just be satisified with a superficial healing and He will probe deeper in our lives to bring about complete and total restoration!

I am now aware of them and the weakness (well, some LOL) and I am going to look to God to help me through them.

Yeah, "through". Sorry but I still believe this is a process. If it was all just whamo, bango, doneo! Why would we need his Him?

I need a Savior, every, single, day.

Not a day goes by that I am not aware of my broken and needy state and I hope I NEVER get to the place where I don't need Him.

Sheryl, people generally do not like suffering. They don't like it in their own lives, and they don't like it in other people's lives.

The truth is though Jesus said; "while you are on this earth you SHALL have tribulations".

The Word also says to "mourn with with those that mourn...." We will BOTH have a season of mourning (and I sense mine is coming to an end and I pray your's too) followed by a great rejoicing and an end to this "winter" season. Spring IS coming!!

I don't understand it all Sheryl and I won't pretend to. I just want to try to comfort you in this as best I can with whatever comfort I have been given from God.

For now I am trying to sort out which is condemnation and which is actual discipline of God so that I can start to line up my life with the Word of God.

"Having done all things, stand" the word says, and that is what I want to do. I want to make sure I have done MY part and then rest in God.

-------

Now to the purely human side of life..... MB...

Sigh

Girl, we have to decide (probably for the gazillionth time now) WHAT MB is and what we are willing to use it to accomplish.

I deleted my posts yesterday because I realized that in my vulnerability I had splashed details (very PAINFUL details, I might add) over the walls of the internet bathroom.

I was sobbing and writing and really pouring out my whole being on those posts and I realized that no one (save S& C) was even acknowledging most of what I was saying.

I deleted the posts because I realized for me, they were at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

Anyway, I have learned (and just slipped) that MB even PRAYER FORUM, is the wrong place to publically reach out, at least for me.

I stick to giving a little advice here and there and mostly just a laugh or a joke. Anything other than that seems to head me into some hurt.

Sad, I think. I think the church NEEDS to be able to deal with some hard issues. I think the church NEEDS to "learn" (again a process) how to hold the hand of the hurting and walk them through patiently bit by bit.

I thought about it a lot yesterday and I came up with one word: "assuming".

"We" assume a lot about one another on these boards.

We assume that we understand what a person is saying and shoot from the hip before we really do.

We assume that the person on the other end of the post is MUCH younger in the Lord than us. We assume that if they are struggling that they must not know scriptures, etc., etc.

We just plain assume. I do it too!

The thing is we rob people of their talents and abilities when we approach people like that.

I have seen that sort of thing on this MB for over a year now and it never gets easier.

I have decided to go back to being a once in a while, hit and miss poster. I don't need the pain in or aggravation in my life.

For me, my H and I have moved 3 times (for work - all necessary moves) in the short year and a half we have been together so I yet to form any friendships. I have only been in this new place a few months.

The church we attend is in the city and so it is impossible to see anyone during the week. I pretty much spend every day, all day, just me and my dog.

I feel that for me I have to be careful not to put much stock in the MB board because of this sort of thing.

I sometimes forget that these people are NOT my friends. Real friends know you, understand you. It's not their (our) fault. This is the internet it is difficult to establish a "real" relationship here, but it IS possible. You and I know that *wink* but it still has it's limitations.

I hope I haven't brought you down any further Sheryl but one thing you will get from me at all times is TOTAL honesty and this how I feel today about it all.

I am anxious to hear your thoughts (if you are like me, you were intending to just lurk and hibernate for a few days/weeks...I hope this post will flush you out tho!! LOL)

Diamonzzz(Deb)

#345666 03/05/04 11:09 AM
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Hi everyone,

I have most of your e-mail addresses but not everyone's so I'm doing this here.

James 1:19 Understand [this], my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry.

Please hear my heart. sg, trying, standing and everyone else that has a concerned heart. N_B and Dzzz went through a very rough and personal time here yesterday. They wanted to be heard and comforted; and we (me included) were way to quick to speak and very slow to listen. I think we are continuing to do that here.

We are not serving them by continuing this. They want our love and acceptance (and I'm sure our prayers) and they will get that from me. Our "pontificating" really is having the opposite effect. I'm sure there were times when Jesus just sat with someone and had compassion for them. All though He may have been silent, I'm sure that silence spoke volumes through His compassion.

Have any of you ever seen an opened wound? If you have; I'm sure you approched it with tendeness and caution (meaning we don't just callously pour alcohol straight on it and scrub it clean). We take care not to cause more pain.

They came here with opened wounds seeking each other and God was doing a great thing between them. I hope they are able to continue that.

But for now, I think we've said enough. The only thing left may be; "I'm sorry, we love you and come back when you're ready. We'll be here with open arms and hearts.

For those that understand what I mean; an amen is all that is necessary. For those who don't you can e-mail me at **edit**.

May God bless every one of you richly today.

S&C

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#345667 03/05/04 03:44 PM
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The end the of week... a long week... I'm glad.

Yes, I'm lurking, and although I may or may not actually disappear, I shouldn't have used that word. I rarely completely disappear, just hide for awhile.

I want to respond to each and every one of you, but I think that Diamonzzz and steadfast & committed did it for me.

Can I just say "Ditto" to what they said?

steadfast and committed -- God bless you for all that you've said in this thread. Especially your last message. You've expressed it perfectly. That's exactly how I felt -- and it seems, from Diamonzzz's post, that it is her truth too.

singleguy, tryingTOsaveMYmarriage, StandingTogether -- Thank you for taking the time to express your thoughts and for encouraging me to stay here and work whatever it is I'm dealing with in my life. I am considering what is best for me, and will take your words to heart. Thank You, and God Bless.

Diamonzzz-- So you took yet another chance and came back to talk? I am surprised and SO HAPPY that you did! ((((((Diamonzzz)))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do know that I spent a lot of yesterday in tears and soul searching, etc.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess really that is not a bad thing. God was doing a healing in me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, I sense more of a "reality check"... but a beginning of healing perhaps.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes we "think" we have an area of our lives beat and God will take us just a little deeper and "test" that area to make sure it is sturdy and sound and unshakable.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ain't that the truth!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU helped to bring the REAL issue in my life to the surface by your own "wonderings". As I tried to give you some bread to feed your soul, the major hole in my own soul lie bare.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and yes. Me too. How did *that* happen? <sad smile>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realized that I have DEALT with my befores and my yesterdays but there are still little tiny doubts that I carry on a daily basis. The little "foxes" that eat a way at my crop so to speak. God is so good to not just be satisified with a superficial healing and He will probe deeper in our lives to bring about complete and total restoration! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, "through". Sorry but I still believe this is a process. If it was all just whamo, bango, doneo! Why would we need his Him? I need a Savior, every, single, day.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never stopped believing that!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Word also says to "mourn with with those that mourn...." We will BOTH have a season of mourning (and I sense mine is coming to an end and I pray your's too) followed by a great rejoicing and an end to this "winter" season. Spring IS coming!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to yell, "Preach it Sister!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now to the purely human side of life..... MB...

I deleted the posts because I realized for me, they were at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

Anyway, I have learned (and just slipped) that MB even PRAYER FORUM, is the wrong place to publically reach out, at least for me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I'm an idiot. I have stayed here MUCH longer than I should have. Plain and simple. I came to the prayer board originally, as I said, to help me stay in MY safe place (this site - I can be so dense sometimes) and yet be surrounded by caring believers who would champion my marriage and my difficult Walk.

I guess we know what happeened, although I don't want to sound like a worse complainer than I do already. God knows it's gone too far already.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, my H and I have moved 3 times (for work - all necessary moves) in the short year and a half we have been together so I yet to form any friendships. I have only been in this new place a few months.

The church we attend is in the city and so it is impossible to see anyone during the week. I pretty much spend every day, all day, just me and my dog.

I feel that for me I have to be careful not to put much stock in the MB board because of this sort of thing.

I sometimes forget that these people are NOT my friends. Real friends know you, understand you. It's not their (our) fault. This is the internet it is difficult to establish a "real" relationship here, but it IS possible. You and I know that *wink* but it still has it's limitations.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is similiar to my truth. All of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope I haven't brought you down any further Sheryl but one thing you will get from me at all times is TOTAL honesty and this how I feel today about it all.

I am anxious to hear your thoughts (if you are like me, you were intending to just lurk and hibernate for a few days/weeks...I hope this post will flush you out tho!! LOL)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah and Nah. You flushed me out - no, not really, I was going to come back and check out this thread anyway -- I wouldn't have written it otherwise. And Nah, becuase you didn't bring me down. I told you that today was going to be another bad day, remember? Well it began with a knock at the door at 9:00 am - registered letter - car insurance has been cancelled for non-payment. (And as a PS: I am NOT asking for money - I need that to be understood - but prayer is welcomed, of course!) I guess to some people it isn't that big of a deal, but to me, it signals the beginning of a nasty, painful descent. This is how it all began last year. 'Nuff said about it though. My point - I was already kind of down.

... but the good news is - the sun came out today. I can't tell how how much better that makes me feel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Diamonzzz, thank you for coming back and writing. I apprecaite it more than you know.

#345668 03/05/04 06:06 PM
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NB,

We will miss you on a daily basis. I understand about the need to "hide" for a while. There was a time when I just couldn't find the words to say to someone so I just silently prayed for them instead. In case you missed my other post on the other thread, I will repeat it here:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sheryl,

Please, please, please! Do not think that my comment was directed toward you. It wasn't. I was simply responding to S&C that he made ME think of how I was feeling sorry for MYself so many times! So many nights that I would sit around & wonder how things could have turned out this way, how life would be better off, my kids would be better off, without me! This in no way reflected how I feel about you! You are loved in ways you don't understand on this board! You have contributed to MY uplifting and for that, I thank YOU!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I have offended you in any way, or said something out of line, I apologize sincerely. As S&C has said, we are here to listen to you. So many times all I did when I came on here was to get my feelings out. I do not believe that you were "feeling sorry for yourself" if that's how you took my comment on the other thread. I was trying to explain that that's how I have felt so many times about myself. I felt that I wasn't contributing much of anything to this board except crying out for help all the time. This was my experience, and I understand completely that you would like to keep to yourself for a while. If this is how you have a chance to heal, then by all means, do it. We are all here for you though should you need one of us to lean upon. I'll even bring the tissues, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sometimes, all we need is a good cry to keep us going on the road to recovery.

If you want to talk with me privately, my e-mail is **edit**. That goes for anyone else on this board. Feel free to e-mail me anytime, anyone. Trying, if you would like to have phone conversations, I believe you expressed an interest in that before, correct me if I'm wrong, then I can give that info to you as well. That goes for anyone else as well. Sometimes it's good to put a voice with an online person so they don't seem so distant.

I would also like to add my admiration for each & every one of you on this board:

Faithfulwife - Thank you for helping me in my recovery process. I appreciate all your words of wisdom & telling me things that I "needed" to hear.
S&C - Thank you for teaching me that patience goes a long way when you're doing it God's way. I admire your patience and committment to God.
Singleguy - Thank you for having a way of making me laugh on my bad days. You always see the light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I really need to have that pointed out to me.
Trying - Thank you for continuing to minister to others, especially to me, even in the midst of your turmoil.
Gentle - Thank you for teaching me that even though things don't turn out the way you want them to at first, God always has a plan, the best plan, for us and things will turn out for the good, His way.
NB - Thank you for giving me thumbs up even when you're hurting inside. I appreciate it more than you know.
Dzzz - Thank you for being a friend to NB. She really needs someone who knows exactly what she's thinking and feeling. You are truly showing God's compassion.
LMX - Thank you for all of your wisdom. You've helped & continue to help those all around you.
LL - Thank you for being one of our prayer warriors. We miss you!

I love each & every one of you and I just had to tell you that. Thank you all for helping me on my walk with Jesus. By the way, is there anyone on here who lives in PA?

May God's blessings shower upon each & every one of you today and always. And remember to keep Jesus #1 in everything you say and do.

EDIT If I have left out any other prayer warrior, please know it was not deliberatley. There are so many that I couldn't remember off the top of my head. It's been a very busy day both at work and at home & I am trying to wind down. Again, please forgive me if I've left anyone out. You can always remind me & I'll post an admiration for them as well. God bless!

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: StandingTogether ]</small>

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#345669 03/05/04 07:18 PM
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Dear StandingTogether,

Thank you for coming back to say these precious words. I especially like how you told each person what they mean to you. Very dear.

I had missed your other post to me -- so thank you for quoting it here, and more, THANK YOU for clarifying what I'd "thought" you said. I was wrong for assuming (see Diamonzzz, I'm not too old to learn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) that you meant me. Tsk, tsk to me. I am sorry!

I do want to reitterate (sp?)... I should not have used the word "disappear" as it sounds like I'm 'taking my toys and going home'... when in fact, I don't know *what* I will do.

This "problem" is not new to me, obviously. I'd discussed it before. The drama, even good drama sometimes, that surrounds me MUST be something I bring upon myself. So that's something to consider.

I know a psychotherapist quite intimately - and she's a Dr. too... and... she's my mother. The worst combo - Dr. Mom!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> We talked a LOT over the summer about this notion of bringing to yourself what you need, want, or even sometimes what you don't want. I think it has some merit.

Just something to think about, that's all.

Again, and finally, I do apologize for my part in what has been a short but pivitol chapter in the annals of the Prayer Board - at least for me.

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<small>[ June 12, 2004, 04:51 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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Thanks Standing Together! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#345672 03/05/04 10:03 PM
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Wow, LMX, I don't know what to say!

Gosh... although I am moved beyond words... I'm also sitting here feeling kind of foolish for this... outpouring... and all of it.

True, Diamonzzz and I had *quite* the conversation yesteray... and although you always realize (at least in the back of your head) that others are reading (it *is* a public forum, after all) you really don't know how your words will touch another.

I hate to "not" come back to this thread, as I did begin it and feel compelled to respond to anyone who does write -- and I will promise to continue doing that.

This has just gotten too big for my head to wrap around.

Again, thank you all...

(and yes, LMX, I will check out that site. Thanx for that!)

#345673 03/06/04 01:13 AM
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<small>[ June 12, 2004, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

#345674 03/06/04 11:23 AM
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No, I don't know Beth Moore, but I will take a look at her teachings. I did go by the site last night, and it looks nice. Thanks again for the referral. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoveMyEx:
[QB]

I really must've missed something I guess. I didn't see anything in yours and Diamonzz post other than the two of you sharing emotions from your "stories" and then later regretting it?? And maybe miscommunication due to the net... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I'd say that's it in a nutshell.

At this point, I'm just ready for "whatever happened" to just go away.

But OF COURSE, I *must* respond when someone is so kind as to write a response first. That someone this morning, is YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#345675 03/07/04 12:41 AM
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Sheryl,

If you get a chance, look into doing a Beth Moore study. She has some great books... they are pretty "meaty"... she really knows the Word very well and is a very good Bible teacher. I've heard her speak in person at a woman's retreat thing, and she was very good.
God bless.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>


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