Friends in Christ,
I am no longer trying to save my marriage. I have it given over completely to God. She told me that she was going to start dating, if she finds someone who she is interested in. She needs to be loved after all the pain I put her through with my A and how I lied and treated her.

I am deeply hurting, and I am truly scared, BUT, its in His Hands now. Where it should have been from the beginning.

After I surrendered my M to Jesus, I went to the store and I asked Him to please give my W a heart of flesh and remove the heart of stone (I said this during the talk with my W as well). When I couldn't talk any more I turned on the radio and heard the following from Ron Hutchcraft: A Word With You
Shall we base our view of divorce or sexual standards or entertainment on what "everybody" thinks? No, we'll believe what God says. His one vote decides it, even if millions are going the other way. Shall we compromise just because suddenly the issue involves us or someone close to us?
I do have some hope, more than some.

God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: ItsInHisHandsNow ]</small>

So what are yor plans for you?

S&C

s&c,
My plans for me are to work on me; to work on my relationship with Jesus. I just joined Restore Ministries last night and am waiting for the books to come in (great, more reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). It's very difficult to let go and let someone else, even God, take full control of a situation. I know His ways are not my ways. Being very analytical by nature, I find it hard to imagine "how" my M will be saved from D; how she will receive eternal salvation. I am scared that I will have to go through a D just to remarry her again, when she has finally allowed the HS into her life.

"Father, please remove my wife's heart of stone and give her a heart of flesh. Enable her to forgive me for all the pain I have caused her. Protect her against all evil (illness, abuse, lies) from the men she might encounter. Keep her in Your protection while she wanders about looking to replace Your love and mine. By Your Son, Jesus, I ask You. Amen."

God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

Yesterday, I sent an info email out to my co-workers. My boss sent back an email stating for me not to send any more emails to the staff without her apporval. I was very angry, kept it to myself, but the thoughts were there. This is was info I was passing around, not TELLING people they should do it this way. I started rationalizing; thinking internal threats, "I'll go to HR and report this nonsense, with all the bs emails that are sent, etc." I was really messed up in my head over this. I felt controlled. Unfortunately, when I feel controlled, my first reaction is this, and I seek to find ways to GET BACK control.

With that anger and resentment in my heart, I opened myself to temptation. Later on, I had to work with some clients, and my eyes, and thoughts, wandered at some of the women I saw. That hasn't happened in a while. But I asked God to keep me pure of heart and mind. I felt very guilty though.

Today, on the way to work, it hit me. Over the past few days, I have been getting smiles and looks from women, at work, in the store, etc. This IS a sign that God IS working on my marriage. Earlier in the week when I GAVE UP on working on the marriage, I GAVE IT over to God. He's the only one who can fix it. But, Satan is trying to seize the opportunity now and is telling me, "See, you know you will never fix your marriage. Your wife will never forgive. Look at these women before you, who ARE interested in you. YOU deserve to be happy. Go on, your marriage is done anyway." Satan loves telling partial truths. I DO deserve to be happy, BUT by God's ways, not the world's.

God bless,
ItsInHIsHandsNow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ItsInHisHandsNow:
<strong> I opened myself to temptation. ....I have been getting smiles and looks from women, at work, in the store, etc. This IS a sign that God IS working on my marriage.

Satan is trying to seize the opportunity now and is telling me, "See, you know you will never fix your marriage. Your wife will never forgive." Satan loves telling partial truths. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IIHHN:

Thanks for posting your insights. They were confirmation of several things God has been showing me lately! I'd like to share:

First point is from your second point above: We had a visiting preacher come to our church lately, and he was sharing how satan is FULL of lies........in fact, (his words here) "satan can NOT (is incapable of) tell(ing) the truth at all, any more than God can LIE! OK, maybe not everybody "got it" the way I did. This was a profound thing to me!!!!

Also (something *I* got from the movie) satan DOES NOT come out and tell an out-and-out lie......usually he just "suggests" things to you.........much as he did Jesus in the Garden. Just "suggested" that one man could not possibly take the sins of all the world.......then leave it for the "human" side of us (or Jesus) to ponder on the suggestion, and turn their back on God.

Last point is from your first point: Is this what you are talking about:
Lately, I have been talking "friendly-like" with a man @ church. Nothing big.....nothing "untoward" - just friendly chatting, almost flirting. NOT in an inappropriate way or anything. Just "fun."

HOWEVER, if I am "standing" for my M, and believing God is going to restore my M, it is inappropriate for me to be "flirting" with another man..........

OK, I got that. Sooooo, the last few times we have been together, this man from church (also div'd) starts talking all friendly............waaaay friendlier than he's ever been.

So I start thinking: "He's a good guy........" "Fairly good looking........." "Seems to have a good, steady job..........." "He loves the Lord..........." "It's not his fault his W left.......just like me"

Tonight, I GET IT!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SATAN'S REALM. Satan is using this man to decieve both of us!!!!! Satan is using our "loneliness" to have us cross lines we shouldn't be crossing, getting TOO friendly, and begin thinking about a possible future together.......

"Forget your vows............." "Forget your stand............." "FORGET YOUR SPOUSE..........they are obviously not saved, so why hold out hope for them anyway?"

I was discussing this with a g/f, and she said she believes this is satan's "biggest, last stand" since he knows withstanding this temptation will bring about the break-through (regarding restoration) that I have been praying for now for almost 3 years.......

Is this what you are saying, too?

PTL \o/

lupo,
You expressed it so much better than I did.
Thank you and God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

IIHHN, I am glad you have brought up this subject. I too have seen the enemy's pathetic attempts to bring me down. Some months back, I had an old friend (who is also a good friend of my H) say something to me that really caught me off guard. He wanted a chance to go out with me. I'M NOT EVEN DIVORCED!! Then, some weeks later some lady at church told me that she wishes I was her daughter-in-law. HELLO?!?! I'M NOT EVEN DIVORCED!! Some weeks after that, an ex-boyfriend's mother, told my mother that ex-b had said that if I lost some weight, he would marry me. I'M NOT EVEN DIVORCED!!!! Which, by the way, my mother responded with..."That means he's not interested in a person, but just a body (way to go mom!). THEN, two weeks ago I had an older man (probably 15 years older or so) ask me out!! I was embarassed because I had never been in such a situation, especially since I've been married for over 5 years now. He didn't know I was married but I made sure I told him and that I was praying and standing with God for the restoration of my marriage. HE was embarassed after. But not too embarassed 'cause he told people at church. Anyways. My point is that YES, the enemy IS trying to tempt. But to me, these are PATHETIC attempts. I love my H and can't picture myself with anyone else - even though now I've seen him with someone else - and up close. Which was another attempt of the enemy to discourage me and make me give up my stand. NO WAY! I've told the enemy many times before and I will tell him many times more..."You have picked on the WRONG person. I am a daughter of God, He loves me and always takes care of His own. So, just leave me alone!!!"

Be strong IIHHN. I am glad God gives us the knowledge to understand these attempts are from the enemy. I am praying for you! God Bless!!

H98

Dear friends in Christ,
What a day, spiritually. I attended the 6th Annual Catholic Men for Jesus Christ conference in New Jersey. It was held at the Christian Brothers Academy in Lincroft. This is not what I am used to in the Catholic Church. There was praise and worship songs, excellent speakers, a true Christian male fellowship.

I wanted to share with you some of what I got from the event and the speakers. Some of this you might know already. For me it was very insightful.
* Fr Landry (Boston) - "A man receives love by giving love to a woman. A woman gives love to a man by receiving it from a man."
If you were to look at men a women when they approach a door: most men push door, while women pull the door. Push - giving, Pull - receiving.
The first time boys play with building blocks they build towers; girls build harbors.
Example of godly men:
St. Joseph - protector, provider, obedient to God, spoke with his actions instead of his words, showed real love, devotion and reverence to Mary and all women.
A Good Soldier - willing to lay down his life for others, dutiful, loyal, sees sacrafices as opportunities, tender and compassionate without being soft, fights for what he believes, follows the chain of command, is courageous (courage is where you are afraid but still percevere(sp).
There are three challenges men (and women) face today that destroying men (and society):
- Responsibility is no longer taught.
- Irresponsibility in sexuality.
- Increased effeminancy(sp).

* Becki Blonski (Madonna House)
"Pray over every decision you make," it can affect so many people.
"Without a sacracfice, there is no true love."

* Congressman Chris Smith
Don't let distractions detract from prayer, Bible, praise, and worship. Find the time. You can't quit. Believe in and follow your convictions.

* Joe Klecko (former NY Jet)
You don't get over by who you are.
His lost everything except his family and Jesus and he rebuilt his life. So the material things are not important. Neither are the prestige, money, position or power.

The fellowship I experienced was something that has been lacking in my experience within the Catholic faith. Dare I say, it was almost evangelical in nature. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I got meet our Bishop again and he remembered me from the previous week when he dedicatd our new church. He said he was praying for me and my family. He is also going to pray for me to make a godly decision on something that is coming up for me in the next 2 months for me. I won't discuss it here, but I have some of your emails and I will be asking for your prayers.

After the event I came home and had a blast with my kids. Then went to church with the kids in the evening.

What a faith-filled day. Received the Eucharist twice (both masses - one for Saturday and the other for Sunday obligation). Received His Word, and praised and worshiped Him today.

I was so moved by today, I am going to talk to my pastor and start a Catholic men's group in my parrish.

Thanks for letting me share with all of you.
God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

TTSMM or IIHH or whoever you are (heehee) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am so glad and encouraged to hear about your awesome day. It's days like these that really help to remind us that God does love us and is with us always.

I'll join with you and the Bishop that you make a godly decision on "that thing" that's coming up in the next two months. Hey--let's make this easy. I'll pray that you make godly decisions every day of your life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Congrats!! I'm so glad you finally had a happy day. YAY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

Hey, howd'ya guess. hee hee.

What clue gave it away?

I want you to know that that changed, as well as my attitude towards the marriage after talking with you.

Thanks and God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow (ttsmm) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tonight, as I was reading the Bible, my wife decided to talk. I won't go through all of the particulars, but, is a woman seeking divorce going to talk to the man she hates for almost three hours?

She shared about her feelings for her x-personal trainer, more than once, and it hurt.
She told me about how she has become the center of attraction with men, at work, at the gym, etc. and how that is making her feel good about herself, especially after how I devistated her.
How she NEEDS a man who will be her comforter.
How not everything in the marriage was bad.
How she could not understand why I thought I was too small (trying to keep it clean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Does a woman bent on divroce talk about her husband's thing in a positive light?
How she needs a man who is not religious. She has only one female friend who is agnostic, the rest of them Catholic/Christian/Jewish.
How she wishes people would stop telling her what to do with her heart and her life (I took this as family and friends of hers telling her to give me a chance. Of course I know that God is speaking to them and speaking to her; the devil right now is speaking louder. Or should I say, she is unwilling to listen to God right now.)

I prayed a lot and only interjected when I couldn't keep my mouth closed. I did ask the Holy Spirit for guidance, though I might/probably said more thatn I should have at times.
I told her that I was going away for 5 days to a program for the sexual addiction. I only needed a small portion of our tax return, and she could keep the remainder to do whatever for the house or herself. She said she was hoping I would go away (not neccessarily to this, she doesn't care, just as long as I am out of the house). I told her that the people running this program call the wives, but that was up to her, otherwise I can inform them not to. She said we were through so there was no need for them to call.
I told her what led up to the affair for me.
Her one word answers when I would request something sexually, or that we should go to counselling, etc.
Her not liking my teeth and therfore not wanting to kiss me.
Basically, if I was so important to you, why did these things not matter?

There were other things, but it's blurred right now.

Abba Daady, Thank You, for allowing me to be here for my wife tonight. Thank You for enabling me to focus on her and to listen to her pain; to understand how much I have hurt her. Thank You for the glimmers of hope that were sprinkled throughout the talk tonight. Thank You for showing where I went wrong in my loving my wife.
I ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit on how I can take what You have blessed me with in showing me these things and not think I can now take over on restoring this marriage. Fill my heart and head with understanding and patience that this will take time, and that it if it is Your will, it will be on Your Perfect Timetable and not my seflish one.
I ask for Your forgiveness and mercy for my impatience and my embarassing and futile attempts at "rushing" or "controlling" Your Will. I pray You will understand my heart and will guide my heart when I try to wrestle my marriage from Your hands. I ask that You break any emotional ties she has with amy other men; that You protect her heart, and body, from temptation and sin.
I praise You for contining to love me, even with all my faults and shortcomings; for rounding, sometimes painfully, those rough edges off of me; for continuing to work on my wife and my marriage.
Thank You, Father, my Dear Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I love You. Amen.

A couple more points I remember from yesterday.

My W told me I can now persue the OW if I want, since she is no longer interested in me. She only hopes that the OW will be kind to our children if they meet.
The devil, thanks to my unfaithful actions, is really screwing with (pardon the expression) her mind. One, she thinks I am still sleeping with this other woman. Two, she wants to make sure that I don't lose touch with my kids, so she concedes me to the OW and understands that the OW might meet the kids.

A good point...
My W told me she remembers when we use to spoon and that I was very romantic to her.


Satan, by the power God the Father has entrusted me over the authority and leadership of my marriage, I bind you away from my wife's soul and mind. I bind you away from influencing her friends and family to continue her on this path of eternal destruction.

Father, I loosen all of her godly friends and family to console her and to counsel her during this difficult time. Guide them to support her in making the right decision for herself and her marriage. Amen.

btw, the program I will attending in May is called Everyman's Battle. I want you to know that I am doing this to save my M, but also for myself, to see if I am really a sex addict and to get the spiritual tools I need to save myself from ever going down that road again.

My two desires and dreams:
To kneel at the foot of our bed, with my W, every night and pray together. To make passionate, tender love to her again.

It's not in my hands anymore; It's in His. And I am very, very scared.

God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

IIHHN,

Yea, though I walk THROUGH the valley.....Just hold His hand, brother. He will help you through it. That's what it means to "let go and let God". Even though you're scared to death of what's going to happen, you walk out on the water like Peter and just reach for His hand, knowing in your heart, not doubting, that He will rescue you. I am proud of you.

Standing,
Thanks for your words. I have been feeling more confident over the last two days, that this is something I MUST DO.
One snafu. I am having difficulty finding a sitter for all five days (my wife works in the evening - don't know which nights yet).

All,
Please pray that God will help me find a sitter and find a way.

God bless,
ItsInHisHandsNow

First off, I did find two sitters to cover ALL the days of the EMB seminar, now I'm scared to see what the outcome will be; what I will discover about myself.

Second, I had another long talk with Marie tonight; she initiated it. I probably said more than I should have (being ttsmm instead of iihhn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). I won't say what we talked about in detail, I'm trying to take the posture that LMX takes, and I am placing all the pain i feel right now, from things revealed tonight, at my Lord's feet.

Pray for me. In one way I feel God IS working on her. Then in another way, I feel Satan in winning the battle. This being a spiritual forum, I won't discuss the topics which pained me, as I had mentioned above, but I can say that she did mention that I should look for another religious woman because I have gotten way to deep into my faith for her.

Abba, Daddy. I lay the pain and sorrow I feel right now, along with my nagging hopelessness for my marriage, at the foot of the cross. I ask for Your Love and Mercy be bestowed upon, as well as Your Forgiveness for trying to restore this marriage on my selfish timetable. Remove that hopeless feeling in my heart and replace it with the hope and understanding that ALL things will be accompished by Your Will. And that by being a child of God, You know what is best for me. Convict my heart and being into acceptance of Your Perfect Timing. Amen.