I don't understand why I'm not angrier at him, it's like what would it take for me to not want to talk to him. What could he possibly do to piss me off if this doesn't. I think it was Harley who said if his wife did this he wouldn't talk to her for the rest of his life. Why am I not like that.I don't mean that I'm not mad, but that is not my prevailing emotion. I am hurt most of all. We talk alot, I listen to his side without screaming at him. We sometimes have dinner as a family, I just don't know why I don't want to kill him. I don't know why I don't hate him. I don't know if I love him anymore, but I know i don't hate him and I think I should. He was so cruel to me, so inconsiderated (duh) and I just keep myself together. I'm actually nice to him at times. I told him he could stay over Christmas eve and spend Christmas morning and day with us. He was so thankful, I did it mainly for the kids. My girlfreind said not many people she knew would do that. She thinks its amazing I could have dinner with him and not throw the frying pan at him.<P>At times I just wish I'd get really really mad, God knows I have reason. I fantasize smacking the ** out of him, I wish I could, but that's not what drives me. I just walk around numb. I don't know if I love him, I don't feel anything right now but confusion.<P>God knows he would KILL me if I did this, once in the summer, he got sooo mad at me when I let a neighbor in to use the bathroom at our block party. We were alone in my house for like 2 seconds and he had a fit. I could imagine if I cheated with 5 different men, he would flip. I just think its not fair I am being so nice. I don't know why, but I did ask him to leave so I guess I'm not that nice huh?<P>Any advise?<BR>thanks<BR>

It could be love or it could also be denial. I was never really angry at my stbx until she kept seeing om while we were doing joint counseling(both times) and also the one time when she did ask to come back and then changed her mind within 5 hrs.<P>Now I can hardly even look at her without the anger/bitterness rising to the top. As soon as she says something that I think is a lie or a justification, then I fly off the handle.<P><BR>But the lack of anger can be a good sign if it is love. If you are able to recover that is one less obstacle you have to climb over .<BR>Just don't suppress it, if you are angry vent here as you don't want to love bust with H.<P>Best of luck and God Bless.

Don't feel alone, Crushed. I'm right there with you. Can't get all that angry. I WANT to get good and angry. I think it would make me feel better.<P>But I'm frustrated. And hurt. I figure it's just my personality. I've never really gotten angry - not good and angry - in my whole life.<P>Makes it easier to Plan A, huh???<P>Lori

hi crushed, there could be many reasons you are not angry. Maybe you understand how ill the man is? Maybe you are just one of those compassionate souls that feels more empathy than some people? Maybe you are so in tune with your feelings that you will not allow anger? Maybe the anger will come later? The whole thing is so cyclical, so varied that one may not know where or when the next emotion will strike. Sad, mad, angry, crying, self-pity, refection, etc. Who knows? <BR>Just don't be surprised at yourself if you stay in the present frame of mind or if you become really pi**ed off one day! <BR>I am glad you mentioned your daughter...the lessons kids learn from seeing this and living it may be some of the most important ones of their life. Regardless of the outcome of the marriage, they see pain, forgiveness, caring, etc. I am glad to see you are not into the screaming matcvhes.<BR>My kids are teens and were aware of what was going on---sort of. They have no idea that their father, my h, was sexually compulsive. They saw how physically ill he was. Neither of us could see any reasons to drag the whole thing out. But they knew of the last affair, the saw the troubles, the reconciliation and the forgiveness. We talked quite openly to them about some things, especially about love and forgiveness, boundaries, std's, etc. Maybe it is my wishful thinking that they will learn from this, to protect themselves, to not repeat the behavior after seeing what it does?

{{{{{{{{{{Crushed}}}}}}}}}}<P>I agree with the others who have responded already... there are lots of reasons for you not to hate your H....<P>I'm slowly moving toward one reason... I hope people here will give the strength for... when it's my time...<P>I feel... I still love my wife... (and don't hate her)... because of my utter dread to move to Plan B...<P>I <B>do</B> believe in the Harley principals.... but I also am not naive enough to think they are a guarantee... I, myself, have said these words to every new comer I've welcomed... and in the last few days... there were many!<P>But... my wife's addiction... seems too persistant... maybe I'm a bit too close to the situation... but I get an uneasy feeling... <P>Sorry to vent on your thread....<P>Prayers for a continuation of your "non"-hatred of your H... God has blessed your H immeasurably with you... I know he'll bless you too!<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Crushed,<P>I think we are twins, separated at birth! I'm like you. I think I was just born without the hatred gene. This, like you, bothers me immensely. I have lots of self-doubt. Like what is wrong with me, to allow this person to walk all over me?? Sometimes, I think I was just programmed to take abuse.<P>Like you, also, I mostly feel hurt and numb. Although, I cannot hate my H, I am beginning to feel apathy towards him. I think it is part of the letting go process.<P>I also wonder, as was previously mentioned, if the hate might come later.

Crushed...I felt compelled to write to you because I see so many similariies from my situation. We are now 9 months into recovery an doing great...better than ever.<P>But...during the whole "coming out" (of the affair) phase, I was NOT angry at him. My family could not undrstand why I did not hate this monstor who did this to me. After he moved out he would come over for dinner (and more ) and no one could understand why I did this.<P>Well, being on the flip side of it I can tell you, the hate will come. At least the anger part of it. Really, it is like the phases of death. Denial,anger resentment, and so on. And remember, if you processt correctly, by feeling wat you feel at he time, it will come. Not everyone feels it he same way, in the same order.<BR>My husband thought that what I was doing was a survival mode and I tend to agree. I mean, if I had focused all my energy on hating him, I would not have been able to focus on me, and healing ou marriage.<BR>It was after I elt safe in his love again that I was able to express my anger. I think initiall I had the thought"If I hate him, and am angry at him, he will leave". So, like I said, after I felt secure in his love again, I was able to express my anger. And I was able to do it in a non-lovebusting ort of way. He helped me through it, but it was still difficult.<P>I hope this helps, you are in a good place, seeking ll this information.<BR>God bless!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>