My husband had his emotional affair for about 3 months before I found out. He is her boss along with about 10 other women. He does not have daily direct contact but I am sure he does have contact. I said that if he ever ate with, conversed with, held little conversations with her this marriage could never work. He never answered me only looked at me. How can true seperation really happen if H is her boss and he has to work there. How can I be sure that he has really broken this friendly relationship off ? Mondays are so hard for me knowing he is going back and will see her again. Is this just a head game I have to get over??

The name of the game is total seperation, but in this type of case there is no "total", so...<P>Let me begin by saying that I still work with the OM, and I am the betrayer. I won't go into a big 'ol history, but I will say that my H and I have both betrayed in our marriage, he, 12 yrs. ago, me, 8 months ago. But I'm gonna stick with my situation to answer your post.<P>My affair lasted 3 months and produced one hop in the sack (I do not call it making love, because that would be a fantasy - it wasn't). It took several months to believe that. But I realize it clearly now. I have to see this man 5 days a week, in general. Not only did I pick someone where I work, but I picked someone who works 20 feet away from me, someone who'll probably have to exchange at least Christmas cards with, someone who I cannot ignore. It has been <B>over</B> for six months, although there is obvious contact. The contact has made it <B>more difficult</B>, granted, but it can be done. I don't hate the OM, but he isn't on my list of besty friends either, mostly because he used me. I had to go through withdrawl, which was horrible and drawn out longer than necessary because of having to see him, but I <B>did get through it</B> and your H can too <B>if he really wants to</B>. <P>I have prayed, my H has prayed, that the OM will get some job offer elsewhere, and guess what? He has! Whether or not he takes it remains to be seen. I have told him to <B>GO</B>, and recently sat him down (in public, at work) and told him that he needs to quit holding on to some romantic notion that anything will <B>ever, ever</B> happen between us, even years down the road. Now, yes, had we not had contact, he might have let go sooner, but that doesn't mean that anything is going on, or will <B>ever</B> go on between us. <P>My hope is that you understand that it <B>can</B> be done, just not easily. There are reasons why people have to keep jobs, and I am in the midst of that kind of situation (small town, no jobs, I waited 7 yrs. for this job, very specialized, pays double any job I could get - like McDonald's). My H doesn't want me to quit. I have missed tons of work because I don't want to go, have asked to quit, but so far the only answer seems to be for us to pray and hope that the OM leaves. <P>Gee, I hope this helps... the main thing is to succeed in this type of situation: the betrayer has got to want it to be <B>over</B>. It <I>can be done</I>.<P>Best wishes...<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Hi overcomer, my H worked with the ow troughout the affair, and he still does. His schedule changed a couple of times ever since and at this moment they aren't in the same place, but they still have meeting where both will attend - although not many - and he was working directly with her all the time the affair was on and a couple of months after it ended.<P>Still it worked. I'm not sure it can work in all situations but it worked on mine.<BR>In our case ( like in yours it seems ) it was just not possible for my H to leave his job and I had to work around that.<P>His affair was discovered in the first week it started, but didn't end for about 4 months. However we are in recovery ( or we have already recoverd ) for almost two years, and our marriage is happier and stronger than ever.<P>I don't come here as often as I used to, but I'l try to follow up your thread or if you want you can e-mail me at lwnd@hotmail.com<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi sheryl , tried to answer one of your last posts and it never showed up.<BR>How are things ?<BR>Hug<BR>Kat

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am so uncertain of so many things in this relationship. He said there was no sex, for the first couple of weeks he also said he never kissed her but did 2 times he said. I am so afraid to find out he may have slept with he. He has told me over and over he never slept with her. But there were so many lies I just don't know. Found out last week that her number showed up on his phone and he denies how it got there and what the function keys are for. Just this morning I was able to find his phone booklet and figuered out the function keys are for retrieving messages and speed dial. dud!!<BR>Said he did not know what those functions were for never used them. Am I a fool?<BR>#1 Do I continue to investigate (counselor said no) and find something else out<BR>#2 Do I let him maybe continue what he is doing and look the other way until......what?<BR>I do not feel he is being honest. But then how willI ever know if he is honest. Do I walk in Blind Faith. "Love believes all things" even if it is a Lie. Someone please give me an answer. What is the right thing to do.?????

It doesn't work. My husband was also the the boss of about ten women. One of them, he had an affair with. It didn't end until he got fired for it! The best part is that the name of the company is Bimbo! It is behind us, and the OW ended up getting fired herself. Karma.<P>------------------<BR>"Life is What Happens While You Are Busy Making Other Plans"<BR>

Hey Kat, I'm okay, how are you? Email me!!<P>I stand by what I originally wrote, WeNeQn, it <B>can</B> be done, but it takes <B>tons</B> more work than if you have complete and total seperation. <P><P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Dear Overcomer,<P>My husband OW was from work. That seems to be the usual in affairs.<P>He continued to work with her. Cut off the romantic evolvement upon discovery, which came from anonymous phone call from another coworker. They talked much for about 2 months or so about what was going on...then it taper off to only every so many weeks or so...then it was almost 3 months. Finally 9 months later he has gotten another job in the plant where they work. This has also included another shift. So now they won't be seeing each other. <P>He did it for many reasons. One being his old job was hurting him physically.<P>He also realized that having her in his view (eye sight) 6 days a week 8 hours a day was not doing to much for him and the total separation. Although he is very selfish by nature and that was the smallest reason. He did say though that it was time and maybe it would make things better.<P>In would have been way better 9 months ago but, he has done it and it should be the final icing on the cake.<P>We progressed through all of this. It has been some of the longest most painful parts of my life. His too I think but, we are doing fairly well thanks to God. <P>So yes, it is possible. Not preferable but, still possible. <P>There was someone else on this site that wrote me about the very same thing long ago. Gave me much encouragement. If I can come up with the post I will make sure I come back with the hyperlink. <P>In the meantime do everything the site recommends...don't lovebust and be his everything. <B>Pray</B>...boy oh boy I can't say that loud enough. Post here often and rant here if you have too.<P>Hang on to your seat the roller coaster ride can be terrifying but, it gets smoother and smoother.<P>I'll be praying for you and yours.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Emotional infidelity--never knew this type of infidelity existed till it happened to me.About a year ago my H told me he wanted a seperation. After @ a week of talking he decided to stay & work on our marraige. About a month after that I found a note he had written @ his "feelings" for a female coworker. I was totally shattered bc I trusted his fidelity to me completely. Swore nothing physical ever happened between them-which I do believe but like all the other posts @ emotional infidelity it still breaks every fiber of your being. They worked together for 2 1/2 years. She's had a boyfriend the whole time. About 5 months ago he quit his job & now works w/98% men. At old job worked w/70% women. Mid life crisis, bored after 17 years of marriage, she was younger, thinner prettier then me? Probably all of the above. I cringed everyday when he left for work & even though it's been over a year I still think @ the whole thing often. The hurt really subsided when he changed jobs. I know all H's can't just change jobs to get away from the OW but it can really lighten the load from the W's perspective. Keep the lines of communication open & ask, ask, ask all those questions that tearing you apart. It can work out.<P>Keeping the faith,<P>Cassie

Hi sheryl <P>You know how I am with e-mails... it takes the whole memory in the computer ...me and my "great american novel" LOL.<BR> But it's coming, I started it but had to save it on draft because I have been in the computer just for a bit at the time.<P>And yes, maybe it's a lot more of work, but hey, we have to play with the cards dealt. Mine where that he couldn't possibly quit. <BR>Also I sometimes think: If he wanted to continue the affair would it really matter if they worked together or not? WOuldn't they find a way of getting together in any way? I think more important than that is when they realise that they really want to stay in the marriage, and we're working together , "ironing all the wrinkles" to make it better and stronger. AS this starts working out, the need for the "outsider" is not so great, so seing her at work or not becomes less important.<BR>What do ya think? <BR>Hugs to all<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

My nickels worth: <P>I insisted that my h. change his place of employment. They had worked together for almost ten years. His affair was 14 months long -- phone calls during the commute and hotel nooners, some in-office blow jobs and such.<P>It took him five weeks after his confession to find a new position, but he was rewarded richly with a better position in a competitor company. Now he wants to do well in order to blow the OW out of the water professionally (she cheated on him with the boss).<P>Anyway, I insisted on a new position. <BR>When their EA started ten years ago, he told me about it and didn't communicate with her beyond the essentials for three years. The very presence of this person in his office devastated his feelings for me and distracted him until he could sleep with her. <P>It took years, but it did happen (30 times). I would never allow that contact if I was presented with the same situation again.<P>my nickels worth...<P>Liz/Pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Hi. Im or was int he same situation. I wish to God I could give you some good advice but unfortunately Im to bitter as my H was a coworker of his OW and he just now moved in with her as of Friday. If you want to talk email me at Namey2@aol.com<BR>Take care<BR>Michele