Greetings fellow Prayer Warriors,

The past couple of weeks have been tough. My W keeps setting deadlines to get the divorce papers, then extending them. I suspect that she is doing it in part because she wants me to feel some of the pain I inflicted on her.

Today is the six month anniversary of me revealing my affair to her. Please pray for us both on this difficult day, but especially for her - that she may find the strength she needs, and that she sees God's path for her. Speaking for myself, I want that path to be with me... but His will, not mine be done.

I pray that all Prayer Warriors, and those in troubled relationships, grow in love and forgiveness, living as Jesus taught us.
Amen

RichardF,

I have a special soft spot in my heart for you and IIHHN...do you know why? It's because my exH is a sexual addict--and really probably also a love addict but does not understand what real love is. Anyway, I am really proud of you two men because you have the courage to admit to yourself (and to others) that you have a problem, AND you're dealing with it. You probably don't know what an ENORMOUS gift that is...just to admit it!! Sadly, my exH is still in denial, and it breaks my heart to see him pursue his addiction to this day.

However, I'm writing to you today, not as you faithful prayer warrior sister, but as a woman who endured the aftereffects of sexual addiction. I wish there were words to express the damage it does to a person when their spouse has an affair, and that's under "normal" circumstances. To say that it crushes you to the core just does not do it justice. EVERYTHING that you thought was steady and dependable in the world is rocked, shaken, and destroyed. Your identity is taken away. Your understanding of your life, how marriages work, and where you are in the universe is ripped apart. For me, even my beliefs of "right and wrong" and "good and bad" were shaken because if I couldn't trust my senses and judgement on something as basic as whether my life partner whom I lived with EVERY DAY loved me--well then what ELSE did I misjudge, misunderstand, or just MISS???

This is what happens with one affair. And gradually some of that can be restored. It is DIFFERENT than it was before, but it is restored. My identity changed from wife to mother to CJ. I came to learn that marriages are two complete individuals voluntarily sharing life--not playing house with someone you're attracted to. Parts of me are forever and irrevocably changed, yet sometimes for the better.

If there are more affairs, though, it's devastation is constant. You never get to recover, and as soon as you think that there's reason to hope and start to build on what you think is solid--there's another affair, or another porn site, or another ONS (one night stand), or another cybersex-email affair. Pretty soon, you KNOW FOR A FACT that you can not trust your senses or judgement at all!! You're constantly suspicious and no amount of "proof" will ever make you feel solid.

RichardF, I'm telling you all this not to make you feel worse or punish you or embarrass you...but rather to make you aware of the kind of damage that your wife is struggling with. It's like the rubble after a violent earthquake or after Sept. 11th. LOTS of stuff is just incinerated to dust, and it just can not be "rebuilt" because it's not there anymore. What she's struggling with is that she can not trust HERSELF anymore.

The good news is that six months is not that long. Six months after Sept. 11th they were still cleaning, organizing, and sorting the rubble and trying to figure out what survived and what didn't, and how to clean it all up. Some stuff was just junked and hauled away, and new stuff will be built in it's place. The same for you my friend. Your wife is still sorting through the rubble. She doesn't trust HERSELF and she knows for a fact that she better not start to believe you or you will send another plane into her building. OH NO!! In fact, she'd rather skip rebuilding just to avoid another plane crash! And frankly, that's reasonable, don't you think?? I'd feel that way too!!

You're job is to stay sober, my man. That is a mighty task, but one I pray every day that you do. Keep your focus on sexual sobriety, and give her time to sort through her rubble and decide if she's safe to build a new skyscraper again. My guess is that she does not feel safe to do so right now, and if you love her you will encourage her to keep herself safe.

She may need to go through years of mourning as our country has done, and after she has sorted through the rubble, found some pieces that are salvageable, thought about and decided to rebuild something ENTIRELY NEW, and drawn up some architectural drawings of her vision of the new building...THEN she might be ready to build a new skyscraper marriage again. And if anywhere along the line you fly one more plane into her airspace, she will go right back into fear.

Six months is not that long. It seems endless, I know, but she is actually doing pretty well. She keeps extending the deadline, and that means she does not want to get the divorce papers. And BTW, I doubt if she's doing this so you can feel some of the pain she felt--I highly doubt it. When your building is hit with a plane crash, and everything that was solid in your life crashes down and is turned to dust, your focus is on the dust. Like someone who's in mourning, she may say hurtful things because she's been so hurt. Okay??


CJ

CJ,

Thank you for the thoughtful words, and the alternative perspective. I believe you are completely right about the way my wife feels she can no longer trust anything - even herself.

As anticipated, Monday was difficult. Our counselor even told us that unless there is some change, some minimal indication of forgiveness or willingness to work things out, he does not believe we can ever repair the relationship. Fortunately, although they may not be visible to others, I see signs that my wife is still considering the possibility of maintaining our relationship, and I pray that we are successful in rebuilding it.

You are also right, CJ, in thinking that the battle to stay sober is more important. Unfortunately, my wife's actions are making that more difficult too. Because she does not trust me to go to the meetings when I say I do (understandable), she has requested that I only attend once per month. This, in conjunction with the fact that she is neither willing, nor able, to hear anything about my struggle with myself and my sexual problem makes things more difficult for me. I don't even feel that I can contact any of the others in the group - any unknown 'phone numbers would be a bad thing at this time - which leaves me feeling more alone in my struggle than I would choose for myself.

Anyway, thanks again for the alternate perspective. It was really helpful.

Richard

RichardF,

First, I have to warn you that I am dead tired and I've been typing for hours, so please excuse any typos...I'm trying to get this thought out before I die of exhaustion.

I have a suggestion that may help, and then a change of perspective for you. My suggestion is S-Anon. You mentioned that you attend or would like to attend SLAA meetings more often, and whilest I am a member of S-Anon and know that there are fewer S-Anon groups and meetings that SA or SLAA, maybe you could attend one meeting "on your own" during the week, and then once a week you two could attend meetings together but apart: you go to your SLAA meeting which runs concurrent to her S-Anon meeting.

I mean no disrespect, but if you were sick with SLAA, then your W was about 99.99% probably sick with S-Anon. Yep, we are the lovely folks you love you dear SA's to our own detriment, and we try to snoop on you, control you, and "make" you be sober. We have issues too, ya know, and it might help her a lot to see that other spouses also struggle with wanting to "make" their H or W be faithful...or also struggle with an unhealthy image of sex=orgasm...or also struggle with feeling insecure when SA H or W goes on a trip or away "on their own." It helps to know you are not alone, and it helps to know that the ridiculous lengths you went to in order to try to 'make' your spouse be faithful were what other people have done too. Hey, you know as well as I do that about 90% of this disease is shame and embarrassment.

So, mid-week lunch SLAA meeting for you...weekend SLAA meeting for you while she goes to S-Anon.

*****

Next, I have a change of perspective for you. You have kidney disease, and for years you denied that you had it and drank. Now, you did not drink like a fish, but because you had kidney disease, when you did drink, the outcome was disasterous. You pretended to yourself that you did not have kidney disease, and when you and your W went to "the party" you drank one vodka tonic and it affected you badly. On the way home from "the party", you lost control of the car and had a horrible wreck. Your W was very injured, but alive.

It took a long time for her to recover, but luckily it was just a broken leg and a pierced lung. She was eventually recovered, and she thought you would never drink again.

You drank again. You drove home from "the party" again, and you had another horribel wreck. Your W was badly injured again, and this time the injuries were much worse. It took her YEARS to recover, and she swore she would never drive with you again.

You admitted to yourself you have kidney disease, and as part of your treatment you need to go on dialysis 3 times a week, and call your one-on-one doctor if you feel symptoms of kidney disease or the temptation to drink. This is a GODSEND to you, because now that you have admitted to yourself that you have kidney disease, you are accepting the fact that you need dialysis and enjoying the way that you feel more healthy...and you don't even WANT to drink because you are doing what makes you healthy!! YAY!!!

Only trouble is, your W. She does not want you to go to dialysis 3 times a week. She thinks you're trying to go to another party. She thinks you can beat kidney disease without the dialysis if you only had willpower. Maybe there's a pill for it!! You tell her that dialysis is good for you and it improves your health, but she says she doesn't like it and doesn't want you to go.

Richard--would you give up dialysis???


CJ

Cindy,

That's a good way to present it....

Unfortunately, right now - today - I'd still be choosing to do what my wife wants unless there is serious risk to myself. (I guess you could say that's a part of my problem, since it is hardly in keeping with the first step is it?)

I wish there were an S-Anon (or similar) meeting locally. Unfortunately I have not been able to find one except in a nearby city, and my wife has told me point-blank that she would absolutely not attend that meeting because it is too far away. Short of me establishing a meeting locally, I don't know what else I can do. If I attempt to make any enquiries on her behalf, she asks "how dare I". (I wonder if it is because she realizes somewhere that she needs help, but is currently afraid to seek it).

Fortunately, things are going well for me. I have a sponsor (who has said basically the same thing as yourself), and will be keeping in regular contact with him. I have also done what our conselor suggested and told my wife of my need / desire for recovery. Perhaps it'll be the straw that breaks the camel's back as far as our relationship is concerned... but only time will tell.

Thnk you again for your support,
God Bless,
Richard

RichardF: I wanted to add some comments. You and your wife might try to find a support group for both of you at church. There are wives who have dealt with SA and have recovered their marriages. I would disagree with your counselor that your marriage might not work out. Jesus promises us through his Word, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." Luke 18:27. Your wife is hurting and will need time to work through this...but if not dealt with the only thing that will pass is Time. She will be able to forgive you if she wants to, and ask God for his help. You need to have an accountabitily partner, one who knows your trials(they are in recovery). You may not ever be cured of SA but God can help you deal with the temptation. Jesus was tempted but did NOT sin. Therefore, for in he himself hath suffered being tempted,he is able to succour them that are tempted.Heb2:18. Turn this over to God and be accountable to Him and your partner. You wife will see the 'changes' in you and your marriage will be restored if this is God's will for your life. I would add that your pray for yourself and your wife if you haven't done so at this point. Jesus always answers prayers...yes,no,wait,or his grace is sufficient for thee....Peace