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#346067 04/19/04 05:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
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vmedlin Offline OP
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My situation is a little different than most of the posts I have read in the fact that I was the one who wanted the separation from my H.

A little background on my situation and what I am struggling with. I met my H in July of 95 and we married in May of 98. My H always drank but when our daughter was born in Aug 99, his drinking became much worse and our marriage really started to deteriorate. He worked when he wanted to, spent money like it grew on trees and drank all the time. Over time I became a hateful mean person that I didn't even like to be around and we both verbally abused each other. In October 2002, I was ready to call it quits. He checked himself into rehab as a last resort to try and save the marriage. It was a short 3 day detox but while he was in, I ended up in emergency surgury. We both came home the same day. He was drinking non-alcoholic beer "for the taste" but I later found out he started drinking again 3 days out of rehab. He left me to re-couperate and care for our daughter on my own while he was out drinking. Once I found out, I indeed called it quits and in Dec asked him to move out. Two months later he moved in with a girlfriend and I was dating someone - I was having a good time. It lasted for 6 months then I met someone else. This man and I started going to church and I felt the Lord drawing me to him. Due to my living with this man I was dating - and committing adultrey daily - I resisted. Finally in Feb of this year, the call was strong enough that I asked the man to move out, we broke up and I humbled myself on the alter and gave my life to Christ. My H has not lived with his girlfriend for the last several months - bouncing around from friends houses and now living in a hotel. He wants to work on the marriage desperatly and I want to do as the Lord commands. My problem is with trust. I am having such a difficult time believing my H is telling me the truth. I can't stop thinking he is just telling me what I want to hear. My anger has returned (although not like before)and I am starting to say mean things to him again. I, simply put, don't love him anymore. I have been hurt to much in the past by his lies and abuse. I know the Lord can put the love back in my heart and I pray for it daily because I want to try and save my marriage. I also pray that my husband is sincere in his words and that if he isn't, the Lord will turn him that way. He went to church with me last night and would like to start going with me more often. I am meeting with my pastor tomorrow to discuss my fears and my lack of trust and to try and get some christian advise on what I should do to overcome this. I know prayer is a powerful thing - is there anyone out here who can pray for my situation that I might make the right decisions? If I could only get the love back, I think we could slowly but surely work through this trying time. It has been 17 months since we first separated and I am not in any hurry to move right back in with him. I'm afraid if we rush it, we could both be hurt even more as well as our precious daughter who loves us both so dearly. Any prayers and/or advise would be much appreciated.

Vmedlin

#346068 04/19/04 07:06 PM
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I don't really have an answer for you, but I will pray. I think your situation sounds very hopeful. You might need to do some forgiving of the past, to help with the anger ( I need to take my own advise, lol) and it might be good for you both to take time to really work on premarital stuff, just as if you were starting over, before you live together.


Father,
Thank you for the work you are doing in this womans life, for showing her your love and drawing her to you. Thank you that her husband is willing to go to church with her.

Father, we know that it is your will for marriages to be restored. I pray that there will be healing and forgiveness between them and that they will build a new marriage based on trust and honesty, and faithfullness. Teach them both to love each other as you love us. Thank you for what you are going to do in their lives.


Shul

#346069 04/19/04 07:32 PM
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Hi Vmedlin,

I will be glad to pray for you this evening... that God would give you His wisdom, counsel, advice. I think we can both agree... I'm not God. lol. So you need to take my advice with a grain of salt and see if it works for you... see if it fits in your inner being. In other words, it's your life.

I don't think you have a trust issue... like it's your fault you don't trust someone who has proven himself to lie. Bluntly, trust would be a really naive response. I wouldn't trust that man until he proved himself worthy of trust. It's not your fault you don't trust him - it's the direct result of his behavior. So let him change his behavior and establish trust over time (or not) - instead of you trying to change your feelings without him doing the work of changing his actions.

I know you want to be a good Christian, but the basic truth is that you cannot carry this relationship by yourself, even with a heartfelt desire to do God's will. It takes two... so take responsibility ONLY for your own part.

When a man's words and actions don't line up... believe his feet. Be realistic... not idealistic. In other words, pray for God's best... but respond appropriately to what is happening where the rubber meets the road. Take care of yourself AND walk in love.

I've heard it said that patriotism is the last resort of a scoundrel. Be careful. In marriage, when the wife is a Christian, the last resort of a scoundrel is to fake her religion. You don't believe someone's story... until the story is told by real fruit in their life.

Check the fruit. And, here's my advice, don't believe his lips until the real fruit in his actions is produced. Go with his actions... not what could be mere good intentions that don't really lead him to a new path for his life.

My advice, don't think YOU are the problem... like you just need to "try harder" and "everything will be alright"... cause you so want to have a Christian marriage. You didn't marry a believer. Don't believe you're married to a believer now until he lives a Christian life.

For what it's worth.

God bless,

Laura

#346070 04/20/04 07:57 AM
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vmedlin Offline OP
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Thank you both for you prayers!

Shul - I have read some of your posts as well and I will most certainly lift you up in my prayers as well.

Laura - Basically you hit the nail on the head as far as what I am feeling but for some reason I feel guilt for feeling the way that I do. I don't trust what he says because I have heard it all before. I can forgive but putting myself up for more hurt is something of a much harder task. I do fear that he is only wanting to be a Christian in order to get me back and that he will resume his ways once he has accomplished that goal. Of course my other struggle is with the idea that maybe, somewhere along the way of manipulating me, God truly will touch his heart and change him. I want to take things slowly but he is rushing me. I want him to "court" me and to be a friend to me first and then we can see if anything develops from there. There is no way I can let him move back in right now because if he fails me, it would crush my daughter and she may feel like she is losing her daddy all over again. Right now she has him at his best and she has me at my best and she has made such progress. I can't jeopordize that. She is at such a frail young age. She is not my only concern though since my mental state and well being are at stake. If I become an emotional wreck, how can I be an effective parent to her? My heart is hardened toward him and I just pray that the Lord will be with me always and will help me overcome my personal struggles. Right now we are amicable - it has pretty much been that way since the separation - so I am hopeful that maybe someday we can work things out. He is a really great person on the inside but the alcohol has consumed his life. I also pray that the Lord can help him to overcome his addictions so that we may possibly have a chance. My heart is in turmoil right now and I am so sad.

Once again, thank you for your prayers.

God Bless all of you,
VMedlin

#346071 04/20/04 10:42 PM
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vmedlin, My heart goes out to you. I know how you are feeling all too well. Being married to an alcoholic is so so so hard. Very frustrating life. You were right when you said alcohol consumes your husband's life. It just sucks them down into a deeper hole, farther and farther down. I will pray for you and your husband. You certainly have grounds to feel apprehensive and question his motives.

Lord, I lift up vmedlin to you, asking for Holy Spirit covering for her. Protect her from any wrong motives from her husband. Lord, if he is sincere please let it be made known in such a way she will have no doubt of his sincerity. Father, I pray that You would overwhelmingly convict her husband, drawing him close to You. We ask in Jesus name that You speak to his heart so loudly he cannot ignore it. Father, I pray for divine intervention in this family. We stand on Your Word which tells us You hate divorce and desire that all come to repentance. Lord, please bring this husband to godly sorrow which results in true repentance and turning away from his sinful ways. Cause him to see the great hurt he has inflicted on his wife, the cherished gift you gave him. Lord, I pray that vmedlin is protected from all attacks of the enemy. Give her clarity of mind and heart, and Your wisdom. Guide her in all she does. I thank You Lord, and give the glory to You. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

#346072 04/21/04 06:23 AM
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vmedlin Offline OP
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Thank you for your prayers AW. It is good to know that I am not alone in my struggles and that there are other people out there who are going through or have gone through the same things.

I met with my pastor yesterday and he really helped me. I had told my husband that it would take at least a year of sobriety and trust building before I would feel comfortable allowing him back in my home. I know God hates divorce and I was feeling guilty about this boundry I had set but my pastor agreed that I was right to feel that way. He reassured me that God can, and does, restore love and marriages and that is what he would want for me but that I should by no means jump right back in without him proving it to me. Our marriage was not built on Godly principles in the first place and he advised we needed to take the time to rebuild the marriage on Gods foundation. He suggested pre-marital counseling and that we approach it as if we are starting all over again and date first. These were all the things I was feeling and it put my heart and mind at ease to hear it from my pastor as well.

Then I spoke to my H about it and he lost it. He couldn't believe he would have to wait a year before he could be with his wife and he said he was going to sign the divorce papers and get it over with. That told me it wasn't about trying to work this marriage out but that he wanted sex and to have someone take care of him again and that was what this was all about. I tried to explain to him that if he was truly sincere in wanting this marriage then he would take the time that was necessary - even if it was a year or 5 years - to do it right so that we might last a lifetime together. Then I left. He called several times on my cell phone but I did not answer. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine and he was crying saying he wanted to do whatever it took and that he was willing to wait if that was what I needed. He said he understood my lack of trust and that he would do whatever it took to gain it back.

All I can do is pray and put this in the Good Lords hands and trust in him. I will take each day as it comes and not fret about tomorrow. I think it is the only thing that will get me through.

God Bless you all and my prayers are with you as well.

VMedlin

#346073 04/21/04 09:40 PM
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V,
I think your pastor gave you very sound advice. Sometimes I think that if I had been more firm with my husband when he wanted to come home we would be farther ahead in our restoration. Who knows, maybe he would be sober now. But, that is up to God to handle.

Your husband's reaction seems very typical of someone with alcohol problems. I have seen that same type of behavior in my husband many times. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear in order to get his way. He is an accomplished manipulator as most alcoholics are. Be strong, rely on the Lord, V. He is with you always, even when it seems like there is nothing going right. Nothing is impossible for God. (I am speaking to myself here too -- it's been a bad few weeks.)

I will be praying the Lord has His hand on you constantly, and that He pours out conviction upon your husband. God bless you!!

#346074 04/22/04 07:33 PM
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vmedlin Offline OP
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Thanks AW.

Today has been a trying day. He flips back and forth between wanting to work it out and wanting to just get it over with. Everything I say is wrong in his opinion and he is hearing what he wants to hear. He doesn't like my boundries and keeps trying to get me to change them and when I don't, he says he is going to sign the papers. He still hasn't gone to 1 AA meeting yet he expects me to believe he just up and quit on his own. I know better than that - I've lived with it for almost 9 years. I'm at the point that I can't cry about it anymore. He is going to do what he wants to do and all I can do is worry about myself and my daughter and trust that the Lord will help me through this and lead me in the right direction. I've learned how to just delete his voicemails if they sound negative from the beginning rather than torture myself by listening to them. One day at a time is all I can do right now so that is what I am focusing on. I will be moving in just over a month so that should keep me plenty occupied. I'm also applying as a volunteer at the local Childrens Hospital. I desperately want more children but since that isn't an option right now, I'd like to help the ones in need. Thanks to all who have prayed for me, a total stranger. What an amazing group of people here. I will keep all of you in my prayers as well.

God Bless you all,
VMedlin

#346075 04/22/04 10:27 PM
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V, It sounds like you are doing better. Keeping busy and keeping your mind off the situation is the best thing. Your husband will see the strength and growth in the Lord in you. I pray his seeing that in you will make him desire you more and the Lord more.

I read this verse a few minutes ago and thought of your situation: Matthew 7:6 "give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you". My advise to you would be don't compromise your position. Stay focused on the Lord and His word, because His word will not return void.

Heavenly Father, I pray for VMedlin now, asking for Holy Spirit guidance for her. Father, I pray you would impart your wisdom on her, directing all her decisions. Father, let Your will for her life be so very clear to her. Lord, I ask that you would pour out your peace that passes all understanding upon her. Lead her husband not into temptation but deliver him from all evil please Lord. Send Satan away from this family please Lord. Father, I ask in the name of your precious son Jesus that this marriage be restored and reborn. Fill Vmedlin and her husband with a deep, abiding love for each other; a love so great it could only come from You. Lord, I thank You and Praise You for the glorious things about to be revealed. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

#346076 04/24/04 09:11 AM
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vmedlin Offline OP
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Thanks once again AW! That verse was what I needed to hear. Things have been going OK - my H still thinks I am stupid and that I don't know when he has been drinking. Last night he said he was going to start going to AA because he wanted to save his marriage. I told him not to do it for that reason, that he needed to do it for himself because he wanted to be healthy. I just think if he does it for any other reason than for himself, he won't succeed and he may actually come to resent me for his decision. This morning he called and said he was checking into an intensive program (whatever that means) because he wanted to do it for himself! I pray that he is sincere. Right now I am just cautious and I am afraid to get my hopes up lest he let me down yet again. Just focusing on myself and getting myself healthy (mind, body AND spirit). I can't be of any help to anyone if I'm not healthy myself. God bless you - you have helped me more than you could possibly imagine.

God Bless everyone here and I will keep all of you in my prayers!

VMedlin


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