I am curious about this sexual disorder you<BR>mentioned to Crushed in your post. I read your profile and see you have been dealing with this a long time. Could you tell me how you have coped with it? Is it like dealing with a alcoholic's behavior? <P>I feel H is additcted to porn but refuses to admit it and claims this preoccupation led him to explore outside our marriage. Says he is not going to have such material around anymore, But...... I did find more.

hi devastated, I have been dealing with the whole mess since jan. H had a discovered affair last yr, about this time, and until Jan '99 I had no idea that this had been going on 21+ yrs. I am not naive or dense, he is a good liar and it was never brought home with him. He travels a lot, and most of the affairs were out of town. <BR>He is sexually compulsive, or a sexual addict. Very much like dealing with drug or alcohol addictions, with the best recoveries coming from 12 step programs. And counselors knowledgeable in addiction disorders. There are great webistes such as Sexual Addicts Anonymous and COSA that are very supportive and will give you a lot of info.<BR>To my knowledge my h was not into porn, just live things. From what I understand porn is an addiction also. Does it lead to affairs or one night stands or prostitutes? I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. I doubt that looking at porn with you on a trip caused him to have a sleepover! He has a weakness that he needs help repairing. Personally I do not have an issue with porn, but like everything else there is a time and place for it and moderation is needed. But those that are addicted see it differently...<BR>What is weird here is you say that he said it was the porn, but still is sneaking around with it! He needs some help with this issue. There are some good books regarding sexual addiction. Patrick Carnes is a great author/researcher in the area.<BR>How to cope? Well, first I had to realize it was an illness, nothing to do with me, nothing to do with the marriage. This is a huge stumbling block when reading books, articles, forums about infidelity! The state of the marriage has little to do with their fidelity-they are sick. The recovery process includes making some things better in the marriage-communication is a biggie. Understanding the pain the sick person has is another. The poja follows perfectly with honesty that is imperative for long term recovery. The principles here are perfect for helping these areas. <BR>They have to be able to talk when they feel they are falling. You have to be willing to listen, not beat him over the head, and search for the alternatives. If they are in a 12 step program they will have a sponsor that will help with this also. Download a few of the articles from saa and cosa websites for him to read? The one and only time my h called from out of town and said he ws being tempted almost killed me...but that was the agreement and he was holding up his end. I was expected to hold up mine, talk to him, reassure him, give him a way out. He was fine-left the scene-back to the hotel room alone. A huge step.<BR>Shortly after was when we agreed that there would be no drinking outside the house if I was not there. Alcohol was always involved.<BR>I think that coping with this in some ways is easier than the love affairs. I did not say easy...nothing here is easy!<BR>He refuses to admit he has a problem and that is an issue...took my 21 yrs, getting caught, and being ill to admit that he had a real problem! Let's hope your h figures it out now with your help. <BR>Encourage him to go to a few meetings. Maybe joint counseling if he will not go alone. YOu have to work on the affair as well as the addiction. <BR>Take some comfort in knowing that he never meant to hurt you with his problem, he never loved the one night stand, he never knew it was going to get so far out of hand.<BR>Any help?

Thank you for your reply cl;<P>I will check out the sites you mentioned. However, H will not go to any counciling. I have been dealing with this for 7 years, in regards to his keeping the porn secret. I have tried everything I could think of, talking calmly, including me, counciling, and <BR>of course getting angry when all esle failed.<BR>Yes, alcohol was involved and I don't believe<BR>he expected it to go as far as it did but he did admit to it being a curiousity and said the preoccupation with porn led to this. It kept him from being totally involved with me and our marriage. But, said he is through with it. NOT. He has lied to me so much and <BR>I did a NO NO tonight when I found material.<BR>I told him honesty was so important right now and did he have anything to tell me. Of course he didn't. Acted like he didn't know what I was taling about. I remained calm and told him what I discovered and that it was not there two weeks ago. He denied that this was put there by him within the last two weeks. Called me a liar. Argument ensued.<BR>Finally, after much said in anger, we both calmed down and he went back and forth, to no addiction to maybe he does have an addiction but he can stop just like that. Boy, Have I heard this one before. The thing is as long as he is interested in this and keeps it secret he will get deeper and deeper into it and my fear is it will lead to another one night stand. Aside from the hurt and devastation there is always the matter of STD's and that humiliation I don't ever want to go through again. Looks like along with reading books on betrayal I now have to teach myself how to help him with his secret addition if he will allow it. I know alot of couples who share this to enhance their sexual relationship, I don't have a problem with that but H won't let me be a part. Why?<BR>

hi devastated, try the websites and see if maybe he will do some work on his own? If he refuses formal counseling, then reading and talking with you maybe all you can hope for at this point. He has to want the help too! You can still attend cosa meetings that will help you deal with this mess. They do not have one where I live, but we have a phone group and some e-mail correspondence. It helps to share ideas. What has worked, what has not, what the fist steps are, when to be firm, when to be giving. It is worth trying since you have been so patient for all these years.<BR>Like I said I don't know a lot about porn addiction, but I do believe that it is interfering! And it would bother me that he hides this-does not want it to be a joint activity. Like an alcoholic hiding the bottles? I will have to look in some of htese books I have around here and see if there are more specific ways for dealing with this problem. You only need to find one idea...one that works! Hang in there, cl <BR>

Thanks again cl for your reply.<P>This has always been a very big problem for us indeed. And he never could understand why his keeping it a secret bothered me. I feel like this, either include me or get rid of it. As I have said before, I don't need it but if he feels he does he is not being honest with me as to why. Maybe its the Taboo thing. He gets a charge out of doing things he knows he shouldn't be doing or looking at. I don't know. With all the crappy feelings I am dealing with now I have to try to be more patient. Sometimes I think<BR>SEVEN YEARS of my life with this man has been waisted. When I could have been giving my heart and everything else to someone who would give in return. I do love him and want to give him a chance to be the man I thought I married. But it doesn't mean it is easy. He is stubborn and lies so much. That is why I have a hard time believing all the things he says about our marriage being better than ever now. I'm doing all the reading, research, etc. and he is NOT. He says he doesn't know how to understand my feelings but he is not trying to find out either. I tell him but it would do him good to read some books on the subject not to mention books on addiction (HIS). I think he is still in denial.

denial is an easier road to take...just keep on doing the same old stuff, ignore it and things will go back to being fine?! Hello h? <BR>After learning of his past sexual experiences while married, I read a lot. He was in denial that he had a problem for a pretty short time (cannot remember but maybe a month?). I would print pages and paragraphs and tape them by the toilet in the master bedroom. He always uses that one and guests/kids do not. He was a captive audience in there. I would change them every few days.. add to them. It did get his mind going in the right direction. Pretty soon I was taping them up by the shower door where he waits for the hot water, near the mirror where he stands to brush his teeth, benign devotionals on the frig, etc. He thought this was quite weird at first, asked if they made me feel better! I just said yes, and kept at it. Now he looks for new things to be hung by the toilet, comments on them, starts converstations about it. <BR>Just thinking of some ideas that might help.