Goodbye!

First, this is not a suicide letter.

Second, DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST if you want to tell me something. I am leaving the MB Prayer Forum and MB web site completely. I will be deleting my favorites to this site. But, I will not be deleting my accounts as I hope that God will use my tragic story and hopeful prayers to help others who are looking to save their marriages and their souls.

Third, when the time comes for me to return, you will know because I will use my name, Genesius, as my handle. I will not be hiding behind TTSMM or IIHHN.

I am a sex addict, an adulterer, a thief, an abuser, a liar, a control-freak, a manipulator, an angry man, a slanderer,… I AM A SINNER. I have been living a lie for so long in my life that the line between truth and falsehood has been nearly obliterated. I have gravely sinned against God, and through those sins, have hurt the woman He entrusted me with. I am 100% responsible for my affair, as I am for my Sexual Addiction. I am also 100% responsible for the state of my marriage, before, during and after the affair. My wife, Marie, is blameless in the whole thing. We men, husbands, are told to “…love our wives, as Christ loves the church…”. We are told to “…give of ourselves to our wives as Christ gave Himself for the church…”. How many times has the church gone against Christ?, and He stills loves her; still protects her, still delights in her. If Marie slapped me every night before going to bed, which she didn’t, I am still commanded to pray for her and to love, if I am to be like Christ.

It doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do. I am sex addict and caused this pain upon myself, my wife, my children, my family, my friends, my community. Though I have not acted out, I must come to terms with the fact that I am a sex addict. Doesn’t matter who tells me I am or I am not, only in my heart, through conviction of the Holy Spirit, do I admit this.

I have been a lousy steward with my finances and because of this, we are on the brink of losing our home. I kept trying to get my head above the water and I fell back in debt (credit cards, buying books – even religious materials, clothes, etc.). By not, having the backbone, and with compassion, telling my wife and children, “No”, when they ask for something, I have dug a pit that I pray God will pull me out of. Not for my sake, but for my wife and children’s. I have locked myself into needing my current job, because I can’t make this salary anywhere else. Meanwhile, with the other woman is still working here, it has been a constant reminder to Marie of my unfaithfulness. It has been a crushing blow to her pride, ego and femininity. I could have/should have taken a stand and bought a smaller house or a town house, instead of our home. I should have “prayed to my Lord for direction” instead of wanting to please my wife (figuring it would wash away the fact that I was unfaithful) and children by selecting a home that was barely in my reach, knowing that I was irresponsible with my finances. But I wanted to make them happy, instead of secure.

That has been my problem for much for my adult life; happiness for the here and now. I could have, lovingly, compassionately, told my wife that this home would put us in a tremendous financial burden. By not being honest with myself, my family will now suffer when/if we have to sell our home. I also looked for the instant gratification. I wasn’t getting “what I want” so I sort the sinful pleasures of another woman. I can’t wait and save money to buy something, so I purchase it on a credit card. I can’t listen to Marie as she let’s out all of her feelings, wanting to be heard, even if it hurts me, because I have hurt back; I have to find comfort and security by hurting her. I can’t be patient and wait with the other cars in traffic because I have to get where I want to go now; damn the other people who are waiting patiently. I can’t wait for God to heal me, Marie, my marriage, my relationships, MY LIFE, so I have to go rushing things; thinking I know better than God of when I am ready and what I need. I can’t wait for God to mold me and shape me, to save Marie, and bring us back together to His Glory and Power, so I masturbate.

I could go on and on, with examples of my sinful actions, excuses, reasons, etc., but that would futile here as I am seeking God’s forgiveness not man’s. I am asking God to enlighten me to write words that “…will build up and not tear down…” the hopes of my fellow brothers and sisters out there.

I am leaving this forum because it is time for me to be with God.

I want you to all know that my prayers here have been from my heart, although I felt the words I wrote were mechanical or, I don’t know, phony. I couldn’t put into the words what I felt inside, which was a deep caring for all of you and your lives. I think God did part of that so I would remove the sin of pride from my heart. I wanted to be acknowledged for my “wonderful prayer writing abilities”. When I should have been acknowledging God for speaking to me and for forming my words of prayer. Everything I have, is from God. It is not of my making, except for those things which are evil of course. Those are of my making; of my turning my back on God; looking for my accolades; for my attention.

I cannot take any credit for writing this as I feel I am just doing what God is telling me. This letter and my subsequent actions are the result of yet again my impatience. I wrote to Restore Ministries International (www.restorem.org), that I was upset over not having an ePartner (Encouragement Partner) who I was compatible with (fit my personal situation perfectly). My email was gentle but had my sneaking undertones of sarcasm and accusation (“what are you hiding”). The gentleman who responded told me that God wants me all for Himself right now. He then went through his personal history of his marriage etc. and posed some things that I have been hiding behind (many of which are mentioned above). I can’t seek from man what only God can give me; healing.

There are some areas where the fellowship and counseling of others is part of God’s plan for me. That will be with my attending an addiction recovery program, finding an accountability partner. I was suppose to attend the “Every Man’s Battle” 5-day workshop this week. But because of how great a steward I am with our finances, I had to cancel in order to out a dent in our bills. The counselor at New Life Ministries told me about Celebrate Recovery (www.celebraterecovery.com) which is recovery based on God’s Word; not “…there is a higher power that you must surrender yourself – be that God or some other force.” The fact is, “I can’t do this without God”. I am terrified of this. I have attended six SA meetings, 5-6 years during the affair, and never said “Hi I’m Genesius, and I am a sex addict.” It was always, “…I’m here to observe; I’m here because I am not sure;…” or whatever lie I could get away with to myself and them. Then last year I attended three SAA meetings. Again no truth from me; “I feel I am a borderline sex addict. My past behavior definitely shows I could have become a full blown sex addict.” BS. So now it is time for me to take that leap of faith, “Hello. My name is Genesius, and I AM a SEX ADDICT.” Then I can let the healing start, and eventually help others and show people God’s Mercy, Grace and Power through His Perfect Purpose for me.

As I mentioned at the beginning, please don’t reply to this posting if you want me to read it. I would say reply to it if you feel you can, I mean if God inspires you to, help others through this pos
ting. If God inspires you that you must contact me, my email address is below. Those of you men, who have my phone numbers, do feel free to call if the Holy Spirit moves you. For those of you ladies, who have given me your phone number, I feel, I know, that corresponding that way is not proper because of my illness. Though you mean it with well, godly intentions, the devil will use it to make me sin in my heart.

I want to thank all of you again for your prayers, your fellowship, your support, your love. You are in my prayers every day; please keep me in your’s.

“Abba Daddy. I thank You, for giving me the wonderful gift of good, godly friends on this forum. There prayers; their love, has pulled me from many disasters, not the least of which was when I wanted to commit suicide last July. I know now this is a new season for me, and it is time to spend time with You alone Lord. I have spent too much time in the world, looking to the world for answers, and comfort. You have placed Your Mercy and Grace upon me, though I am completely unworthy, through these beautiful relationships at this forum. I now You are a jealous God, and are calling me back to spend time with You.
I pray, I know, that you will continue to bless those on this forum with men and women who will speak Your Word, Your Truth, to help heal those looking for answers and comfort. I know that, as my relationship with You grows to what it should be, must be, that another season may come to pass, where You know I will be able to serve those on this forum and/or elsewhere, to Your Honor and Glory. So I won’t say goodbye, really, to my friends here, but that someday, our paths will cross again. If not here, maybe face-to-face, (let me know if any of you come to New Jersey ;-) ,but most assuredly, when we meet again in heaven.
Father I ask You, I pray, that You will work on the hearts of those spouses seeking to end their covenants, be they the betrayed or the wayward spouse. Only You can see into their hearts; only you know how much they can endure before they must break away the ones who hurt them or who they are hurting, and find You. So I hope that saving my marriage is part of Your plan for me and Marie. But I know that it is more important that her soul is saved. I pray that I will be her husband for the rest of my days. But, I also understand that with how treacherous I have been in the marriage, I may not be the husband for her. That is all part of Your Perfect Plan and not for me to question.
Lord, I pray that I will find healing quickly, but not as a quick-fix, but as new man; the man You always intended me to be. I pray that my experiences will awaken the spirit in others, so that they will have a hunger to know You. I pray that I will be a godly, compassionate, understanding father to my children. This is the one area You allowed me not to destroy in my life, and I pray that You will continue to guide me. Thank you.
I ask all of these petitions through the Most Precious Blood, which Jesus Christ, Your Only Begotten Son, spilled for all of us, especially me who is truly unworthy of such mercy. Amen.

God bless,
Genesius

genesius@optonline.net

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: ItsInHisHandsNow ]</small>