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#346395 06/05/04 07:30 PM
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I want to say what an inspiration you have been to me. Whenever I see that you have replied to someones call for prayer, I know that I will read it and feel comforted as well. I thank the Lord for your prayers and responses. You always seem to know what to say and pray for. I ask our Lord to bless and keep you and make His face shine upon you.

God Bless.

#346396 06/05/04 07:34 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Learning Lots:
<strong> I want to say what an inspiration you have been to me.

I ask our Lord to bless and keep you and make His face shine upon you.

God Bless. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!!

#346397 06/05/04 10:22 PM
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{{{LL and Lupo}}}

I often think the same about you . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This place has become a refuge for me. I have read so many posts where I think "Yes! thats exactly it!"

I generally do alot of posting on beliefnet.com (where I am known as Shulamitewm), but in this circumstance it is such a comfort to be with those who understand first hand what I am feeling.

And to have insight into what the other side is feeling.


You both have been through so much , and I can see how God has refined you like silver. It is a a hard process, but everyday we are learning more how to love, to give ourselves away, yes?

We are learning the cost of love first hand, but I sense that God will use the broken ones in a special way one day.

I was looking back at an old journal the other day. For years they were a continual lament for God to change my husband because 'poor me' etc...

I realised that now I see him as the hurting one, and my plea is for more love, to reach him.

And this experience has certainly made me decide to love and to trust God in a way that I never had before.

Maybe it takes them to do something so harsh, for our love to really show.

My husband is shocked that I still love him after all this.

Shul

#346398 06/08/04 09:48 AM
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If anyone is reading, I haven't made sense of this yet.

Husband came out on the bus finally, this weekend. I know he really wanted to see us, or he wouldn't have gone to all that trouble, but it had been a month since he was here, and I was going crazy missing him, feeling alone, abandoned.

I was to the point where I was thinking about finding someone else to be with while I wait for God to deal with my husband.

In all these years I have been so lonely, deprived of love and affection, security. 18 years of a nightmare, it feels like, and now he has been giving his time and energy to another woman- it was killing me.

I feel like I have been starved to death, while he feeds others. I have prayed for him for so many years, and I know that God is at work, but I am starving in the meantime.


Anyway, how this thing started with the ow is; she is a widow, and they were friends. She approached my h with the proposition that she is attracted to him , her boyfriend is impotent and she wanted sex with my husband.

So they would get together and have sex. I found out early on, and when I confronted him he told me that he wasn't really attracted to her as it turned out, he found her kind of gross- but he didn't know how to let her down without hurting her feelings, I guess. and she is very persistant, also very not like me- she is vocal about her sexual needs, and not shy about anything. So it wasn't great sex, but not that bad either. He said that he is using her and she is using him, and that for him it is not emotional at all, it is like masturbating.


Anyway, he works in the city and has no friends, and no car so for the past year that he has been in town she drives him around when he needs rides and stuff.

Now he is staying there, at her house, with her and her 5 kids. They sleep together. He hates it there, her kids are awful, and he wants his own place, but no money to get one.

He told me all this on the weekend. It was the first time we have actually talked in years.

I asked him what he really wants, and he said, to be with me, to move to a community where people will respect us , where we can work and live and make a life.to have enough money so the phone isn't always getting cut off, or the electric and so on.

Our financial problems are another symptom of his spiritual condition and his mental illness. He can't hold down a job, won't pay bills etc.
It seems he is finally realising this, and its about time.

Actually we talked alot. I told him how I have been feeling, and I said that I don't want to be with anyone else, but that I am tired of being alone, that I need sex too and I asked him if he would visit on weekends, just for sex and company. Ironic that I am asking him for the same thing she proposed. But he is my husband, and I love him. I am entitled. She needs to find her own man, and I am praying this for her.


I drove him back to town last night, and I felt like we finally are connecting, talking, being more open with each other. He felt good about being with me. I told him not to get the wrong idea. That I am not ok with him being with her, and thats its not ok, but I am trying to make the best of a screwed up situation the best I can.

He said as he was leaving that he loves me and one of these days he will get his head sorted out. For him to say that was alot.


I guess time will tell.

#346399 06/08/04 10:17 AM
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Wow. Keep praying and remeber that God is working on our S's heart. I try to look for the little signs that He is working on them. My W asked me Sunday how much we had left to pay on my student loan. I told her and she said that after its paid we should just start puting that amount into our sons college fund since we were used to it going out anyway. Why would she say that when we have 2 years left to pay and a pending divorce? I don't know, maybe it was God telling me to be hopeful, not to give up on Him or her. I try not to have false hope but I do look for the little things.

#346400 06/08/04 10:13 PM
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Maybe there is no such thing as false hope when God is at work, yes?

I think we can learn from Lupolady, to bank on what God will do.

Maybe we just have to be patient.

I think it sounds like she is coming to her senses, seeing the big picture...

#346401 06/09/04 07:10 AM
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Shul,
I typed in beliefnet.com and nothing came up! Is that the correct address?

Also your observation that Lupo was coming to her senses was very interesting. How did you draw that conclusion?

sg

#346402 06/09/04 08:00 AM
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SG,

I believe Shul was speaking to Learning. BTW, don't mean to threadjack, but I haven't called you b/c my LD was shut off. Didn't want you thinking I was blowing you off! LOL

I think the best way to keep in touch is either here or e-mail. E-mail is probably the best way. Hope your day goes well!

Have to get back to work but I thought I'd pop in & say hello!

Hang in there, Shul, Learning & others reading. It WILL get better! Trust in our Lord to lead you & He will guide you every step of the way.

Peace of the Lord be with you, Y

#346403 06/09/04 08:49 AM
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Standingtogether,
I wasn't meaning anything in a durogatory way. I just thought it was funny the way it was said. I sometimes wonder if I wil ever come to my senses!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Be Blessed
sg

#346404 06/09/04 09:38 AM
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SG,

I know that. I wasn't sure if you misunderstood who she was talking to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't worry, you're full of sense to me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Still love ya,
Y

#346405 06/09/04 12:55 PM
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Lol!

Now that I read what I wrote, even I am confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(I meant to say that LL's wife is coming to her senses..)

Lupolady's senses are just fine!

It is www.beliefnet.com

Christian to christian debate board, ( not for the faint of heart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )


Anyway I sometimes think it is a wonder any of us have any sanity left as we go through this.

I hope you all are having a peaceful day!

Love ,
Shul

#346406 06/09/04 04:00 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by singleguy:
<strong> Also your observation that Lupo was coming to her senses was very interesting. How did you draw that conclusion?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Single,

Don't you ever "accuse" me of coming to my senses!!!!!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I like me just as screwed up as I am!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

*Edited to add:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lupolady's senses are just fine!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THANK YOU, Shul! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

#346407 06/10/04 07:21 PM
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I don't know where else to post this. I was just reading through some of the posts and something struck me.

As much as we talk about meeting his needs/her needs- each others needs- it is not enough for us to really be whole.

Unless we are trusting God to supply our needs, experiencing His love for ourselves, we are not going to be whole, or capable of loving each other freely.

I think that the adultery is a symptom, like drink or drugs or whatever, of our need for relationship with God.

Lots of people have related how they were having financial problems, or family problems, stresses and son before the A happened.

And even if the A ends, unless we work on those things that were stresses before, we won't be able to have the kind of lives we want, be the person we want to be. And to do that we need to be walking with God, trusting him for our needs, experiencing the security of his love and faithfulness in our lives.

And if we know him by his love in others, in each other, so our spouses will see him in us.

I wish I had loved my husband better before all this happened, and that he had seen Christ in me. I wish I had just done what Jesus said; and loved him, really forgiven him, worked on my own logs.

But I think if we can learn to respond to our spouses with love, even in the face of this painful rejection, it is a great witness of the power of Gods love working in us.
I think everything we are going through is a lesson in loving, if we only get it.

I think if we do, our marriage relationship can be better in the long run because we are learning to love and to trust God for our needs. And our spouses will respond to our love. They can't help it. Love is irresistable.

#346408 06/10/04 07:34 PM
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Amen, Shul!

#346409 06/13/04 09:47 PM
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I am so confused and upset.

Hubby has just left for the city, he was here for the weekend.

It was an emotional rollercoaster for him , and I am really a mess.

I want God to just tell me if its done. I can't stand this anymore.

#346410 06/13/04 10:29 PM
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Hey Sis,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was an emotional rollercoaster for him , and I am really a mess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know my rides are usually because my expectations haven't been met. What did you expect to happen this weekend? Was it different than what really happened? What do you think his expectations were? And do you tink they were fulfilled?

I ask this fully aware of the possible emotional dynamics that go on after an A and during recovery. The Lord knows I know how hard it is to tell the person I love what I expect also knowing that they don't expect the same thing. I wanted to tell my W that I expected her to dump OM; tell him she didn't love him and spend all her waking hours making me feel like I could trust her again and that she was in fact in love with me again. It hasn't happened that way and thus the rollercoaster ride goes on.

My W expected to be able to get another job away from OM. It hasn't happened that way either. So her ride continues too. She struggles with seeing me struggle with the fact that she still sits next to OM at work everyday and he's now her supervisor (as well as her feelings for OM).

We continue to work through it all. Through every twist and turn, every up and down. Sometimes with each other, sometimes with God (our Daddy), but never alone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want God to just tell me if its done. I can't stand this anymore.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's done when you say it's done. How you feel about saying it's done, will be determined by how if you feel like you did. Did you do everything in your power and more to make the M better for your H. Are you done yet?

Really I just wanted to let you know I was on MB, saw your post and to tell you someone was praying for you.

Blessings to you.

S&C

#346411 06/14/04 07:06 AM
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S&C,

Thank you.

I don't know what to make of things.

I met him in town, and we came out to the country, where I live and work.

He is staying with her during the week, but she has a house full of kids and I guess its annoying there. He doesn't have any peace or privacy. Here it is quiet, no demands, and he can rest.

We spent most of the time in bed, which was ok, and we talked a bit. In a serious moment I told him that he is getting in the way of his own happiness by getting his needs met apart from Gods way. That he is also standing in the way of this womans life, that I have been praying for her to meet someone who will love her and her kids. And she is getting in the way of her own happiness and his.

That was what I wanted to say to him mainly. For him to see that until he stops doing wrong, he won't have peace of mind or success.

He told me that he feels guilty all the time.

Just before he left, while we were at our house, someone came by and asked about buying the place. A while ago when I was trying to figure out what to do, I asked God , if I should sell the house, to send someone to make an offer. It was strange that my husband was there when this man came.

I was upset, because I thought things might be getting better between us,and I took this as a sign that maybe we are done. I shouldn't have said anything, but I told my husband, who said " well, you can't argue with a sign from God"

Maybe it will be a wakeup call .He is acting like a cake eater. He said when he is here he is 'with me'. But I guess when he is there he is 'with' her?

This whole thing is starting to feel a bit unreal.

I have been trying to build a bridge between us with love, build supports for communication, trust. But his old supports need to come down, I think.

I am going to listen to God today. I need direction.

I am thinking about withdrawing myself, ending contact for a time and leaving him to God to deal with.

One good thing, happened, I got a new cell, so I gave him my other phone and now I can reach ihm in an emergency if I need to .

#346412 06/14/04 02:46 PM
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S&C,

I have been thinking.

He must come out here for a reason. He doesn't have to, and he was being nice, not critisizing or anything. We were both being nice to each other, and getting along.

But at the same time, he is staying with another woman and having sex with her during the week.

I think with me it was better, he likes it out here, more peaceful, he gets attention ect.


One intersting thing that happened, he started telling me about before we wer married- he slept with alot of women, and the weird thing is that they came onto him, and many were older. He was involved on a sexual basis with so many women. They were using him for sex, just like this current woman.

I said to him that this is abuse, that they were using him like a toy. He has done this before, been very promiscuous, and I guess he doesn't realise that it is not right. I guess in the circles he is in, they are sexually very loose, and they don't think anything of it.

To him its just fun.

#346413 06/16/04 01:08 AM
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I think I just LB'd.

I called to wish my husband a good day this morning. He was pleased and said he would call me tonight.

He didn't call.

I feel angry at all the times he has said he will call or show up and didn't.

I called him rather late, and told him to smarten up. I also rather rudely asked him to drop off a book and some money at the office, as I am going to town tomorrow, which he said he would do.

When I asked him why he didn't call he said "I didn't get around to it".

I feel angry hurt and insulted.
I messaged him telling him that and telling him from now on to treat me with the same consideration that I treat him, and that he treats others.

I rarely vent like that, or tell him how I feel when I am angry.

Maybe it is about time, but now I regret it.


Father, let J receive this without being angry. Let him simply admit that he has been inconsiderate, and that I was waiting for him to call. Let him put himself in my shoes.

By your Spirit.

Thank you for all you are doing. I forgive him for all the times he has not kept his word to me, dissapointed me. Help us to treat each other with consideration even in this situation.

Let him see that his actions have put me under an enormous strain. Let him understand how I feel.

Thank you Father. Please let this not hinder your will in our lives.

In future,please warn me when I am about to LB.


Love,
Shul

#346414 06/16/04 03:04 AM
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Hey there young lady,

What are you doing up so late?

Don't have much time so I want to give you this bit. IMHO, I think it's good that your H sees some of your emotions. But what is important is that it is communicated in a constructive manner. It takes practice so don't think it will happen overnight.

Take a look at what you told your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I messaged him telling him that and telling him from now on to treat me with the same consideration that I treat him, and that he treats others.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As cerri (Penny Tupo) would say use some feeling words to tell him how you feel when he does something. The idea is to keep him from getting defensive so he focuses on the message not the way it was delivered.

That's the whole thing about communication. It isn't communication unless the person we are "communicating" with gets the message we intended for them to get. So the question is; did you intend to tell him you were angry or about the action that made you angry? Don't let the message get lost.

Anyway gotta go. Don't be to hard on yourself ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bless you. Good night.

S&C

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