Okay, we've hit another snag in our recovery. I need godly counsel badly. I have prayed for God to heal the relationships that have been wounded from this A. My problems are this --

1) I feel as if I am losing my family, our family, one by one. My sister & my H used to be best friends b4 all this happened & now they don't speak because my sister feels betrayed & lied to. She & my H can both be pretty prideful & neither will budge to make amends w/the other right now. Correction -- my H sent my sis an e-mail apologizing to her for the things that happened & for lying to her & her response was that they should talk by phone or in person but neither of them has done that yet. Please pray that this relationship is healed. Any ideas on ways I could help bring them to reconciliation?

2) My sister's companion's mother was very close to death during the time A & I were separated. I tried to be there for her as support, but as I was unsure of how to support myself through my turmoil, I wasn't there like I should have been. I sent her an e-mail explaining my actions & apologizing for my behavior, but she told me that she does not forgive very easily & that she tends to hold grudges for a long time. She also refuses to speak with A because she looks at him differently now & things will never be the same again. Why oh why did I inform any of my family of what was going on? I think I made a big mistake by opening my big mouth and shaming him in front of others!

3) A's brother is now ashamed to bear his last name. There also was an incident about 10 years ago that his brother says was forgiven, but now is being brought up again along w/the A. He says that he is ashamed of my H's actions, not him personally but why would you want to change your last name? Wouldn't this be a sign that you are ashamed to be a part of that family? Which, in turn, leads to being ashamed to be his brother, i.e, ashamed of him. Am I wrong in thinking this?

Any counsel I could receive of how to handle this in a Christ-like manner would be very much appreciated! Faithful, S&C, singleguy, LL, anyone????!!!

Thanks a bunch. What would I do w/o all of you? I love you lots!

Peace be with you,
Y

Good morning Yvette,

I don't know if there is anything you can do except pray for them and be loving and patient.

You marriage stuff is between you and your husband and God, primarily and your loyalties are to be with him, whatever happens.

Maybe as time goes on and they see that you are on his side, that you have forgiven him and you support him, they will begin to soften.

This might be a lesson in love for them; a witness to the grace of God, as it has been to the people in my life.

Its hard for them to understand, but I tell them that as God has forgiven me, I am compelled to forgive, and that I try to bear in mind that the measure we give is the measure we receive, ( and I have been forgiven much). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love,
Shul

Good morning Yvette,

I understand your situation. It's tough being torn between family and your spouse. But don't lose sight of the fact that they love you and are angry that your H made the choice he made. I know I would have a few ill feelings toward someone that hurt anyone of my family.

When I informed curtain members of my family about our situation. I told them I was going to fight for my M and I told them that my W was going through a very hard time and that she needed their love. I said "if you want to honor me and help me then you will not stop loving her". Then I told them about her infidelity.

My Mom, she's such a wise wise woman of God, basically told me "Your Dad and I know you love us, but she is your W and you made a vow to love her above all others (save God of course). So you need to show her that she is more important to you that we are".

I think it is important for you to contine to show your H you are standing by him, even if it means strained relations with those members of the family. Then, I would have a talk with each one and explain why you have made the choice you made about your M. Then, with all the love you can muster, tell them how much you love them and ask them for their support and to also love your H. Understand that this may take a while also. Remember, time and concistancy. They need that to heal too.

A's change relationships that's for sure. You have no control over how everyone handles it. But how they handle it effects you because you and your H are one and they can't expect you not to hurt.

Your H might need to Plan A them. I truely think that Dr. Harley's concepts are not just for marriages, but for relationships. They have Love Banks just like us. Your H may have to endure some harsh things when all the craps comes out. He will need to provide a safe place for them to vent about how thay feel/felt. Remember he betrayed them too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she told me that she does not forgive very easily & that she tends to hold grudges for a long time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is for her to deal with. Yes she was hurt. But if you apologized in word and deed, then this is her problem. All you can do is to let her know how she hurts you by not accwpting your apology. But let her know that you won't feel guilty about how you handled your problems. She might not know the pain of an A yet.

As for your BIL... Gee. I think there might be other issues there. Does you H pray for BIL? I think he should and he might want to ask God about past issues between them to surface and be resolved. Your H might have more to ask for forgiveness than he is aware of.

I gotta go, Hope i've helped. Love you both. Blessing on you two.

S&C

Thank you S&C & Shul.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its hard for them to understand, but I tell them that as God has forgiven me, I am compelled to forgive, and that I try to bear in mind that the measure we give is the measure we receive, ( and I have been forgiven much). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have told them repeatedly that this is why I was able to take him back & why I fought to hold on to our M. My "SIL" said the reason she's unable to forgive right now is because she herself has been burned one too many times & he was the first man she ever let herself completely trust & he has broken that trust & it hurts very deeply. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to really let that feeling go. I feel very badly that this had to happen. He loves everyone in my family so much & he feels huge remorse for his actions & wants nothing more than to have the family back to the way it was or better. I will pray for that to happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I informed curtain members of my family about our situation. I told them I was going to fight for my M and I told them that my W was going through a very hard time and that she needed their love. I said "if you want to honor me and help me then you will not stop loving her". Then I told them about her infidelity.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I told my family right from the beginning. I kind of wished they weren't here for all the drama that took place when he walked out so they would have kept their respect for him, but I guess God knew I was going to need all the support I could get so that's why they were there. They really were a very big support for me & kept reassuring me & focusing my attention on God & how He wouldn't forsake me & I received a card from my younger sister that stated, If God brought you to it, then He'll see you through it. That meant so much to me at the time. I really needed to hear that.

I guess after all the smoke cleared, & they found out all the other lies he had been telling, they just grew this resentment toward him w/o meaning to and now it just came flooding back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> would have a talk with each one and explain why you have made the choice you made about your M. Then, with all the love you can muster, tell them how much you love them and ask them for their support and to also love your H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have already asked this of them numerous times. My older sister doesn't treat him any differently and neither does my mom (she was my BIGGEST supporter of him returning). It's my younger sister. I guess because they were best friends before & ever since she moved to VA, things were strained to begin with & I think this just added more salt to the wound. But, the good news is, there could be a corner that was turned in the right direction. Last night, my younger sister & her family came up for the weekend & when my H got off work early, he went to my mother's house where they were staying (w/o me knowing it) & talked to her. He told me they didn't talk about anything serious, but she was laughing w/him, joking w/him, etc. kind of like "old times" so this is a good sign that this R can be repaired w/time. I think it gave him a boost so to speak so he doesn't feel so alone now. Praise the Lord for opening this door!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She might not know the pain of an A yet.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, like I described above, she knows it all too well & this lies behind a lot of her reasons for distrust. I try to be understanding of that, but it is very hard. I love her very much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for your BIL... Gee. I think there might be other issues there. Does you H pray for BIL? I think he should and he might want to ask God about past issues between them to surface and be resolved. Your H might have more to ask for forgiveness than he is aware of.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure about this one. I know that as children, my H has always been closer to his twin B than to his older B, I believe because, well, their TWINS! Plus, they live in the same town & visit each other every day. His older B lives in a town 1/2 hour away & I thought things between them had started to turn. We were going to their house, he was coming here, but being they work 2 different shifts, it's hard to spend quality time together. This has made his older B feel "left out", "unwanted", "unloved" & that's hard for me to swallow because we have always tried to show him love & include him in family get togethers, & so on. I think those two should really sit down & talk to each other alone, but they haven't done that. It hurts to see how each other is hurting, but when I told my BILs g/f that I'm sorry he feels that way but I'm to the point that I can't change it. I can only do what I can do. It needs to be up to them. She got very upset w/me & told me I don't care about his feelings. And now we haven't spoken to each other (she is also MY best friend). I am at a loss. I don't know what else to do at this point. I think it's up to THEM, not to me. If I'm wrong, please tell me that. I have been praying for healing from everyone & it seems to be going the opposite way instead of forward.

I'll also add, in the case of HIS family, that we have taken both B's into our home to live when they didn't have a place to stay on numerous occasions. This isn't even thought about in his older B's eyes. He can only focus on the betrayals instead of the kindness that my H has shown him & that hurts a little bit. Okay, a lot! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks for the support.

Y

Good morning Yvette,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...he was the first man she ever let herself completely trust & he has broken that trust & it hurts very deeply. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to really let that feeling go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may be feeling that no man is to be trusted and she very much wants to be able to do that. Regardless, you just like many of us here at MB know that time and consistancy with you and your H speaking and demonstrating your love for them will prevail. You know it works.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He loves everyone in my family so much & he feels huge remorse for his actions & wants nothing more than to have the family back to the way it was or better. I will pray for that to happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your H pray it will?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I kind of wished they weren't here for all the drama that took place when he walked out so they would have kept their respect for him,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, it is much harder to forgive when you see someone living with the hurt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but I guess God knew I was going to need all the support I could get so that's why they were there. They really were a very big support for me & kept reassuring me & focusing my attention on God & how He wouldn't forsake me & I received a card from my younger sister that stated, If God brought you to it, then He'll see you through it. That meant so much to me at the time. I really needed to hear that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd remind them of that. by saying something like; "Hey, I just want you to know how much your support meant to me during my struggle with my M." "...everything isn't completely healed yet so your continued support is very important to me."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the good news is, there could be a corner that was turned in the right direction. Last night, my younger sister & her family came up for the weekend & when my H got off work early, he went to my mother's house where they were staying (w/o me knowing it) & talked to her. He told me they didn't talk about anything serious, but she was laughing w/him, joking w/him, etc. kind of like "old times" so this is a good sign that this R can be repaired w/time. I think it gave him a boost so to speak so he doesn't feel so alone now. Praise the Lord for opening this door!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's right "baby steps" and rejoice in all the little victories.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I try to be understanding of that, but it is very hard. I love her very much.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which tells me things will heal in time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think those two should really sit down & talk to each other alone,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thoughts exactly.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...but when I told my BILs g/f that I'm sorry he feels that way but I'm to the point that I can't change it. I can only do what I can do. It needs to be up to them. She got very upset w/me & told me I don't care about his feelings. And now we haven't spoken to each other (she is also MY best friend).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She probably hasn't told you everything. Maybe the two of you need to talk as well. True friends are the ones that will stick it out during hard times. I knowyou know this already but just keep loving her/them through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I'm wrong, please tell me that. I have been praying for healing from everyone & it seems to be going the opposite way instead of forward.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thing of it like a surgeon during an operation. Sometimes removing something that is a problem means its going to hurt. I watched the movie "Master ad Commander" yesterday. There was a scene where the doctor had gotten shot and a piece of his shirt was still in his body along with the bullet. This piece of cloth could have started to break apart and make the wound much worse. It had to be removed. The doctor was taken ashore and he proceeded to operate on himself. During the operation, the doctor experienced much more pain than the bullet or the cloth ever caused. But he knew in the long run going through the pain was nothing compared to the consequences of not removing them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...we have taken both B's into our home to live when they didn't have a place to stay on numerous occasions. This isn't even thought about in his older B's eyes. He can only focus on the betrayals instead of the kindness that my H has shown him & that hurts a little bit. Okay, a lot! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes it's much easier to focus on the pain than the pleasure. As they see the two of you recovering and loving each other they will allow the closeness to return with them too.

Keep praying (expecially your H). God's not done with His miracle yet.

Bless you both. Hang in there, savor the small victories, jot them in a notebook and look back at them after a while to see the ground that has been reclaimed.

Laterz'

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She may be feeling that no man is to be trusted </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe this is exactly how she feels. Unfortunately, my H falls into that category. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your H pray it will?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, he's still at a crossroads with his spirituality. He's slowly getting it back, but it's taking a very long time. This is one of the things I've been praying for as well. Of course, I don't know what he doesn't tell me though. He could just be very private about it & not want to admit that he's been talking to God? Don't know why though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> True friends are the ones that will stick it out during hard times. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've always worked through everything together. We've been friends for 13 years & we've always been able to talk to each other. I think she might be a little left out because I used to tell her everything about my life and now I'm very selective of what I tell her because I don't want to gossip nor shame my H. She's not quite there yet as she loves to gossip about others & I myself have been questioning if this is the type of person I want in my life. Wow! I can't believe I actually said that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I've felt this way before about her, but then I think about the times she helps me w/the kids or when she comes running at 2 am in her pajamas because I need her & then all those thoughts just go away. I really love her, like a sister almost. I pray that we'll be abe to talk soon. I just know her too well. She's the type of person that will not speak to you, hang up on you even, when she's angry with you & when she's done being angry, then she picks up the phone to call you & you know everything's ok. Don't know if I want to go through that this time though.

Thanks for the blessings. I sure could use them. And I promise I'll write more!!!!! Don't be too sad!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Love ya brother,
Y

Yvette,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, he's still at a crossroads with his spirituality. He's slowly getting it back, but it's taking a very long time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, the enemy has taken him away from God a little bit at a time. I've come to learn that many times that is how we have to take it back. That's why I tend to repeat "savor the small victories" a lot.

One morning I just held my W's hand and said a very quick and short prayer. She was still in the middle of her A. A fewe months later I asked if she would pray with me. Now, she and I pray for each other regularly. Every once in a while she'll even initiate the prayer.

Make sure he knows you are praying for him and ask him to join you. Satan is so aware of how powerful the two of you will become standing against him. I've been telling my W this for the past 2 1/2 years. Two weeks ago she told our pastor the same thing. Big victory!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course, I don't know what he doesn't tell me though. He could just be very private about it & not want to admit that he's been talking to God? Don't know why though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For a long time men have been taught to keep our emotions to ourselves. Unfortunately this is not how God designed us. Men are meant to be passionate and to communicate with those close to us. I'm learning this after being a Christian nearly 19 years.

Hopefully he will learn this soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She's not quite there yet as she loves to gossip about others & I myself have been questioning if this is the type of person I want in my life. Wow! I can't believe I actually said that! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is good. ...very healthy for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't know if I want to go through that this time though.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plus you want to make sure your H knows you are saft to talk to.

Blessings

S&C

A big thank you to S&C for the continued support. I read everything you wrote & I need to stew on that. Thank you -- I needed to hear all of those things.

And a big thank you also to singleguy who talked me through a dark moment tonight. I needed to hear those things too.

Thank you to Shul for the prayers. I always need them. This fight isn't over yet!

Praise the Lord's name!!!!!!

Love all of you so much,
Yvette

Update on situation --

I wrote the following letter to my BIL's g/f stating my POV, H's POV & took my chances that it would be taken w/the love that was intended behind it. I prayed first and started to write. I believe why I had problems communicating w/both BIL & his g/f is because I was reacting out of anger & not praying first for the right words to say. Tell me what you think if you could & if I'm missing something, please let me know. Where general words are expressed, of course I inserted everyone's name (kept quiet for you for anonymity(?)). Be ready, cause this is looooong.

I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation last night & I realize that everyone is going through all kinds of emotions since H's been back. Everyone is entitled to those emotions. I have made it sound like BIL doesn’t have a right to feel the way he does and that is wrong. That is not my intention. BIL does have every right to feel the way he does, everyone has the right to feel the way they have been.

I guess it’s just harder for me to comprehend unforgiveness because when it comes to family, I have always been able to forgive a lot easier. When it comes to my enemies, that’s a different story. That takes a lot longer to do & is something I need to really pray for the ability to do. How everyone else handles it, I have no control over. That is up to them & between them & God.

It seems as if everyone else wants H to “pay”, if that’s the right word for all the hurt he caused everyone, not just me. He realizes that he has hurt a lot of people & he doesn’t know how to repair that. The only thing that he can do, the only thing that has gotten us through this, is taking it one day at a time. On the days that I feel the grief over the A, over the lies, when I feel the panic when I have trigger moments that remind me of his behavior during the affair, I acknowledge those that that’s what I’m feeling & he listens to me share my pain with him. He doesn’t know how to take it away, he can’t take it away. The only thing he can do is listen to me cry and hold me, As he told me before, recently, I screwed up, well, in his words, I f****d up, what more can I say? He has realized that there’s nothing else he can say. Saying I’m sorry won’t take the hurt away, it won’t take the pain away. What more do I expect of him? Sure, I could tell him, He owes me, he needs to make it up to me, he needs to ask for forgiveness every day until I forgive him, but what good would that do? It won’t make me feel better because it has happened. There’s nothing I can do to change it. The thing we have to do is choose to start over, every day. When I feel the hurt, I can either wallow in it or ask God to help me forgive him again. Forgiveness is a conscience choice. If you choose to forgive someone, you need to make a conscience effort to do that every day. And eventually, with time, that forgiveness happens & you look back & say, Hey, I survived that.

I have learned that we cannot control the things that happen to us. We can only choose our actions from it. We can either choose to stay in that dark place of unforgiveness, hurt and depression, or we can choose to say this is a new day. I’m not going to allow this to keep me down. I’m not going to let this break me. You dust yourself off, you pick yourself back up & you choose to start again. And you do that one day at a time, with Jesus’ help.

You want me to acknowledge that BIL is human and he is going to feel the way he does for a while. Fine. I acknowledge that. And like I said he has every right to feel that way. But I think what you are missing, what I want him & you to realize is that H is human too. It works both ways. All H wants is the acknowledgement that he indeed is human & he’s going to screw up. This won’t be the last time that he will make bad choices. What he wants from his brothers, from anyone, is for people to keep on loving him. No matter what kind of bad decisions he makes, no matter how screwed up he gets, he wants people to love him for HIM. Accept him the way he is – flaws & all. You know how BIL has always said he doesn’t care what people think of him – You either accept me for me or you don’t love me at all. He has always told everyone that since I’ve known him. H has reached that point in his life too. He has this mindset that you either love him anyway, or you don’t love him at all. Accept me for me. Mistakes & all. Was this a huge mistake? Yes! He knows that. He doesn’t know what to do to make it better. He doesn’t know what to say to take the pain away. One thing he knows is that he has asked me for forgiveness, he has asked God for forgiveness & I guess the next step would be to ask BIL for forgiveness. Is this what BIL is looking for?

H did say he thinks BIL & him need to sit down & talk to each other. But he doesn’t understand, if this has been a problem for BIL for so long, why BIL didn’t come to him & tell him that before. He tells you, but he won’t come to the person who indeed hurt him, H. H doesn’t have any problems with BIL. He loves his brother very much. BIL is the one who has the problem w/H right now. He hurts because of the betrayals, he hurts because he feels left out. H has no control over how BIL reacts to things, he has no control over anyone else’s feelings except his own. Each person has control over their OWN feelings. Blaming someone for feeling that way only adds more pain because then the other side gets more defensive. And I wish you could see that. Look at what has happened already.

It’s not that H doesn’t care about how BIL feels. It’s the fact that he doesn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t know what more else he can do to change it. BIL needs to deal with this himself. How does he do that? Well, maybe talking to H will be a start. Maybe him coming to H & saying, Hey, I feel this way…. H can then come back to him & say, What can I do to change the way you feel about me? And then steps can be taken to move past this & have a better R. It’s the same thing we did to repair the trust that was broken in our R. I’m the one who didn’t trust him. He trusted me, because I didn’t do this to him. I haven’t done anything to him to compare to this kind of hurt. So he acknowledged that he’s the one that caused me to feel this way & he asked what can I do to have you trust me again? I acknowledged that I indeed was feeling that way & I came to him & said to him H I don’t trust you. It’s going to take a lot of work for me to trust you again. But I had to acknowledge to HIM that I hurt, that I felt betrayed, that I didn’t trust. If you don’t tell someone how you feel, they can’t do anything to change those feelings. They can’t do anything to repair a broken R if they don’t know it’s broken.

Okay, now H knows it’s broken. Does BIL want H to come to him now & say, What can I do to make it better? What can I do to change the way you feel about me? So then BIL tells him what can he do to make things better. BIL needs to come to him & tell him, H, I feel this way because….it really p****s me off that you did……& then H comes to him & says, how can I help change that?

You say that BIL doesn’t feel close to H. And I’m not talking about TB (twin brother) here. TB needs to deal with BIL on his own. BIL & TB need to talk to each other as well. I can only think about my H & how he feels. I live w/him, I don’t live with TB. You also say that BIL acts totally different around you than he does with H. Why is that? H has learned that he needs to be himself now. He isn’t trying to hide who he really is now. He’s no longer trying to do things to please everybody else. The only person he has to answer to is himself & God. The only person he needs to look in the mirror is himself. He needs to live the best life he knows how with the equipment that God gave him. If BIL wants a close R with his brother, then why not be himself around him? Show H who BIL really is. Let H love BIL for BIL. That’s all H wants from BIL. He wants BIL to love him for him. Do you see what I’m trying to say? I agree that neither one has made an effort to be close. I thought they were trying to, I thought they were starting over but obviously that hasn’t been happening. So what needs to be done to change that?

I just think the biggest thing that needs to happen right now is for him & H to sit & talk to each other. This is where it’s going to start. Where the healing can begin to move past this ugly mess & start fresh.

As far as me, you have always told me that I need to be happy with me before anyone else can be happy with me. I am trying to do that. I like who I’ve become. What have I learned? How have I grown? I have learned that the only person who I can change is me. The only person that I need to please is God. No one else. Have I gotten tired of doing things to please everyone else even if that meant I was miserable? Yes. I got tired of it. I make decisions for me, not for anyone else now. I am trying to talk to people with God giving me the right words to say w/o hurting their feelings. Am I doing a good job? No. I’m screwing up. Obviously. I have hurt you with my words on more than one occasion recently. I’m not happy w/myself for doing that. I reacted out of anger instead of praying first for the right words to say and now I have a price to pay because of it. Am I also trying to speak my mind as well? Yes. And it’s very hard to find the balance of speaking my mind w/o hurting someone’s feelings. I’m also trying to be a better W. H didn’t like it when I would tell everyone our private conversations. I’m trying not to do that anymore. Maybe this hurts you because I have always shared everything w/you up till now. I don’t know. Maybe you’re fine with that. I don’t know.

On the occasions that you have come over here, yes, I’ve been quiet. I have a lot on my mind, especially recently. I am also very tired from getting off of work. I really just like to veg out in front of the TV & relax. Sometimes not saying anything. Just me alone with my thoughts. I’m trying not to be such an open book, I’m trying to keep more things private between just us. I’m also trying not to shame him anymore. I’m trying to admire him more and respect him so he can return that with love. I learned about love and respect. They go hand-in-hand. As long as I respect him, he will show me love. Women want love. Men want respect. Usually, that’s how it works. Not in every case, but usually. So I’m trying to form that circle. You called here on Saturday morning. Why? To remind me of bringing the kids over? Yet you didn’t leave a message. I also wonder why? Thinking I might remember on my own? Sometimes, that doesn’t happen. I just ask that you try to remember that not everyone has a great memory the way you have. It wouldn’t have harmed anything to leave a message saying I just wanted to remind you about bringing the kids over at 4 for ______ b-day. And we would have brought them over. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not meeting your expectations. And I’m sorry for that. What do I expect of you? The only thing I expect of you is continued friendship & like H, love me for me, flaws & all. What do we need to do? I don’t know. Maybe filling out those EN questionnaires for us as friends will help. Then we can know what the other’s needs are in a friend & we can try to fill those needs. That stuff works on more Rs than just M. It works with any R. I find them very helpful.

Anyway, I hope I’ve cleared things up from our end a little bit. We don’t dislike either one of you, he**, we love you very much. And like they say, you end up hurting the ones you love the most w/o even realizing it. Neither one of us has meant to hurt anyone and all I can say is I’m sorry this A has caused so much damage. I don’t think H even realizes how much damage was caused until he moved back home and now he’s in a position that he doesn’t know how to repair it. I’ve told him how he can repair it with me, but I think it’s up to everyone else to let him know what he needs to do, what I need to do, to start repairs towards them. All I can do is ask to be forgiven for anything I might have said or done to cause even further damage.

After she read this, she called me & said she cried. We spoke for a while & made arrangements for our SOs to call each other. So H called his B (brother) & they have arranged to talk next weekend when they're both free. I'll have to say a prayer b4 they meet so they will have a productive convo. H did joke w/his B if he should bring along the "boxing gloves". I think he was trying to lighten the mood. BIL didn't like the joke. Guess he wasn't in a joking mood.

So I guess H's on his road back to reconciliation. I guess like w/everything else, only time will tell.

Thanks for the support.

Y