It's time to shake up this sleepy community a little. I am a human being and this is how I feel sometimes...and I suggest we talk about these REAL issues:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=011458

thanks FW for posting this here, i'm going to post a reply on the other forum but just want to say i needed this also the way i've been feeling lately and God Bless Tony/JSC for his repsonse.

prayers to you, RR

Faithful,

I must warn you that some of us have vivid imaginations! As I write this, I see this middle aged woman running down the street with her hiney on fire. The man mowing his lawn, the mailman, the milkman, and the plumber just kinda look and shake their heads. Wondering what heck planet did she come from, yet making no effort to help her. Maybe even afraid to. Gives a new meaning to "lite a fire under it" !!!

However, God's favor has come your way, as I am the PR proctologist and have a shingle out that says "Rear End Repairs Done Here' !!! Give me a call if I can help!! By the way estimates are free!!!

Have a Good Day!!!

Dr Single

Faithful,

I will never be 20 again either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Two years ago, I took a good look in the mirror, and didn't like it one bit.

I prayed, begged God to help me lose weight.
I started doing my part and it took 2 years, but when I look in the mirror now, I like the way I look.

I lost 60 pounds, cut my hair, colored it, started wearing makeup and threw out my sweat pants and bought some sexy lingerie.

Last time I was with my husband he said I look hot, the way I looked when we met. He is attracted to me now.

Maybe everything else in our lives feels out of control, but we can do something about how we look.

We can change our appearance. We can change the way we treat our spouse. We can clean our houses, and make them comfortable and a place where our spouse wants to be. We can create an environment that is harmonious and peaceful and where any man would want to be, where he is cared for, pampered, where he is treated like a prince. We can look our best, and smell good, and be alluring. The quiet confidence, the knowing wisdom that comes with maturity can be very alluring to a man.


We can choose to have a quiet and gentle spirit, which is what really counts, in the end.

We can have control over lots of things!

I am reminded of Esther- she knew how to win the kings heart.

Men are visual creatures, like it or not. I think its how they are wired. I can accept that.

shul, very well said and it was good encouragment. i too prayed a lot for God to be w/me and my H both individually and as man and wife and to help me be the person he (God) wanted me to be and also prayed frequently to lose weight. well God answered both those prayers, of course not the way i wanted it and not at all the way i thought it would be but never the less, God's will is perfect and here I am.

i am probably the best person inside that i have been in my whole life and it's becuase of what has happened and due to the miracle God has worked in my heart. the outside is a little slower but i am making progress. i've lost about 40lbs since dday and still plan on losing 30lbs more in order to reach the IBW for my height. i'm finding it hard to balance being greatful and glad for what i have accomplished w/actually trying to get "approval" or at least turn a head here and there. i pray daily for God to continue to help me but also to fill me w/the right attitude in all this.

it's hard to dress nice even sexy and/or attractive and then also consider the way that God would want me to dress. difficult balance and i'm really striving to accomplish both. dress in style but yet in a way that wouldn't be an offense to anyone. some times it's easier than others. javasanscontour offered a good prayer for me yesterday because i think i'm starting to feel more frequently the need to be attractive and i don't want to disappoint God but at the same time i just feel so totally unwanted and undesirable. i do want someone to desire and want me, my husband and anytime i think that's not going to happen ever again and that maybe i'll meet someone new, i just get sad, sick, and guilty for feeling that way.

anyway, i'm sure i'm not the only one to have felt this way but when you are the one experiencing it it's hard to know what to do w/these thoughts and feelings. the best thing i can do is pray however and will continue to do that. God Bless, RR

Okay, first, thanks to everyone for posting. I usually feel a little better when someone replies (haha!). And singleguy, THANK GOD for you! You are so funny, you made me spit coffee all over my screen!! (When was the last time you spit coffee on the prayer forum??) I'm so thankful we have a resident hiney doc in the house. Sadly, my guess would be that if my tookus WERE aflame, you would turn your head alright, but it would probably be for scientific reasons like: "Hmmm...I wonder how she keeps that lit?" or "At the rate of 2mm per second, her caboose should be entirely consumed in ..." or "That would make a very interesting case study for both my proctology leads group AND my psychiatric study group!"

heeeheeee--back atcha!

Second, I totally get the message that Shul is trying to get across, which is: if I want to be attractive, get busy and do some attractive things for myself. I like that idea a lot and have decided this is actually a path I am going to pursue. Funds are pretty limited right now, so no "spa treatments" at this time...but I can fix myself up a bit and maybe do mother/daughter spa day with my daughter at home...complete with manicures, pedicures, fixing up our hair etc.

HOWEVER, there is one huge thing that bothers me, to be completely honest. BTW, bear in mind this is NOT my most spiritual side or wise side--just my human side. The fact of the matter is that, Shul, you have your husband. This is just being factual here--I do not and it is different. That is to say, there is a whole different dynamic when you still have your spouse and when your spouse is no longer in your life.

Ummm...here's the whole story: my exH was a serial cheater and his targets were usually a very similar profile...about 25yo, willowy and wispy, blonde, and dancers or gymnasts or cheerleaders with those thin, small-breasted, boyish, pixie figures. The only variation he would sometimes go for is different hair color. OBVIOUSLY I have a pretty big trigger around that whole issue, and I acknowledge that as being MY problem and no one else's. Well, I can not begin to tell you how many times I WISHED AND WISHED AND WISHED that I was the willowy, wispy type, but I just am not--not even close. I am short and strong and sturdy and large up top, curves EVERYWHERE, and soft and snuggly. My bod was MADE for huggin' and softball!! In my mind, different kinds of bodies for different kinds of things--right? Anyway, for FOREVER, I tried to be thin, minimize, etc. Hey, I just do not look like a Barbi doll, but I sure wanted to because that's what my exH liked!

After years of not being appreciated for the type of body I have, and after the divorce was final, do you know what went through my mind?? WHEW!! I don't have to try to be his kind of pretty anymore! I can be MY kind of pretty! YAY! I also figured that I am such a fun, smart, wonderfully interesting woman that it wouldn't be long until someone at least NOTICED and recognized the person I am--inside and out.

Well it's the 21st century, and in American, those men who are single look for the BARBI'S! I was shocked and a little upset to realize just HOW image-focused all the singles scene is!! (To be honest, it makes me angry). AARRGGHH!! Back to that cheerleader place again!

Men are visually hard-wired...cool. Men say they want quality and not quantity...cool. How does that translate into turning a head?? Big beautiful BRAINS, right??


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After years of not being appreciated for the type of body I have, and after the divorce was final, do you know what went through my mind?? WHEW!! I can be MY kind of pretty! YAY! I also figured that I am such a fun, smart, wonderfully interesting woman that it wouldn't be long until someone at least NOTICED and recognized the person I am--inside and out.

Well it's the 21st century, and in American, those men who are single look for the BARBI'S!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Awwwwww, I want to give you the biggest HUG!!!
I can totally relate to this "not the right body type" mentality. Heck, I'm not ANY "body type" - I mean, I would prolly be the kind your xH would have looked twice at. No, maybe just look ½ at.

Why? B/c maybe I have the BODY, but I definitely do NOT have the face. Yes, I have a pretty, petite body type, and never really let myself gain TOO much excess weight, BUT (here it comes!), I had severe acne when I was a kid (and well into my 20's - 30's), so I have severe scars all over my face......

THAT is *my* "cross to bear." I ALWAYS felt like men don't look twice b/c I wasn't very pleasant to look AT, face to face. After all, since they ARE visual creatures, they want the whole package, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

CJ, listen - NO!! Not all of them!!! SOME of them are beyond the "surface" stuff. My H is one of them!!! NONE of the women he ever "chased" is very pretty by any standards. I consider myself lucky that he always considered the INNER self more beautiful than any other part......

And I love him for that.

They are out there. There IS a guy out there who will see the REAL, BEAUTIFUL you that we all know!!! The witty, funny, intelligent, serious, loyal, *wonderful* YOU!!!

Besides, you don't need a whole stable of them!!! YOU ONLY NEED ONE!!!

And he's out there. And in God's perfect time, He'll bring him to you!!

Not one second sooner - not one second too late. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope this helps. I really dont' want you to be sad about this. WE ALL KNOW HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE. What wrong with guys where YOU live?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

God Bless,

Faithful,

I know men who like big fat women, big breasted women, short women, skinny women...

Anyway, if they only look at the outside, they are pretty boring, and who wants them, right?

Btw, I know a woman who is the perfect Barbie doll type, who is getting older and who is in a panic that her b/f will not want her, now that her looks are going.

I think we have to do the best we can with what we have.


(Anyway, what really turns a man on, is a woman who thinks he is a gorgeous stud; who happens to love his pot belly, and thinks his bald head is sexy...)

Shul

ps; Husband has called twice today, no reason. Hmmm. I am praying...

FaithfulWife,

If I have made you laugh, then it was all worth it!! Laughter can soothe a heavy heart more than anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think that maybe you are a lot more attractive than you think. Plus God does have just the right man out there for you. Maybe God felt you needed a rest right now more than you needed a man. I would ask yourself if you are REALLY ready to date right now. I understand getting lonely, been there, done that. But are you really ready if a man tok an interest in you. Sometimes right after a divorce we are very confused about things, and being alone is so much safer. We are very gullible right after a breakup, and I feel you need much more time. Plus maybe deep down, you are putting out those [stay away from me] signals. Be honest with yourself. We talk the talk, but we are by no means ready to walk the walk. Let me tell you, you are going to change soooooo much in the coming year. Do things that you like to do. There's an old saying that says: if you're not happy where you're at, you'll never be happy where you're going. Learn to love yourself the way you are, start to fix those little things that you have control of, and forget what your ex wanted in a woman. You are using his desires to judge yourself. DON'T!!! There will come a man who thinks those gals your hubby liked are bad news. And when you find the right one, cheating will no longer be an issue.
I know we hate to wait for things anymore, but have patience my dear!!

God Bless!!!
Dr Single <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS: I want patience and I want it now!!!

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

Did someone say "rump roast?"

Tony

Roughroad,

I know what you mean about wanting to feel attractive , but not go too far.

I think being rejected is such a painful blow to all of us,our self esteem, it is ok to see yourself as desirable. It will give you back a sense of your femininity, confidence.

As for the balance, dressing; you can wear modest clothes on the outside, but underneath...well thats why they call it 'Victorias Secret', lol. You will know, and it will show in the way you walk, move. You will have an aura .

The men know what I mean.

cj: Being married to the SA myself I wonder if it's really just your self-esteem that is hurt. I bet you ARE beautiful, I bet you ARE funny, I bet you ARE stunning and lots of men would love to have you as a girlfriend or wife. I've had lots of people tell me I'm pretty...I just don't see it. I see the 41 year old woman that my husband doesn't treasure. With that mindset though, I'm sure I couldn't find another man if I tried....it's my self-esteem that is shot to he**.

I say give your list of qualities in a man you'd like to God....shoot, I bet he can answer those prayers too!

Here's one prayer I'd be happy to get in agreement with you on! (SMILE)...Dear Father, please bring CJ a man...Lord, you know what is important to her and the values she seeks in a man. And please Lord, hurry! (WINK)

Angelia

p.s....I sent you an e-mail to your yahoo account.

Shul!!!

Looks like neither girls nor guys can keep "secrets" from each other!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank God!!!

sg <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Lupo--Thanks for the hugs chick. I think I'm just having a day. Luckily, I know of hundreds of women of all sorts of body-types, and the women I love and feel warmly toward are NOT the ones who are physically perfect, but rather are loving, wise, kind, and funny. Yep, my head knows this, but my heart isn't listening. Hey--especially with us chicks, that happens doesn't it?? I think painting my nails with my daughter will do me a world of good. Oh, btw, I have no idea what's wrong with the guys where I live! Maybe their cowboy hats are in their eyes!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Shul--I actually heard a funny thing about this very topic today on the radio. They were discussing the women who had brains and wits versus the women who had looks, and the lady DJ's said they'd rather have the brains and wits because if you have wits when you're young, you can learn to use them and have them for all your life...but if you have looks when you're young, you can learn to use your looks, but once they go (and eventually, the looks go), then you have to learn how to use your wits!

Java--RUMP ROAST??!!!! Not THAT is spit milk out your nose funny!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Sunday afternoon may never be the same--I'll have to switch to roast chicken...or maybe not roast AT ALL!!!

And finally, our local hiney doc. You sure got serious on me. But since you dove in, I will too. You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I have made you laugh, then it was all worth it!! Laughter can soothe a heavy heart more than anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. That's why I appreciated your post so much. Oh, shoot, you've been around here long enough to know that I'm usually upbeat and laugh easily. When I feel hurt like I did last night, a laugh is good medicine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that maybe you are a lot more attractive than you think. Plus God does have just the right man out there for you. Maybe God felt you needed a rest right now more than you needed a man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once again, I tend to agree with ya. Attractive? Hmmmm...maybe not so much to the initial glance, and I get that. Okay, actually that is part of my frustration because I think I have pretty good/average looks, no major scars or missing limbs, all my teeth (that kind of thing), but since the initial ice never gets broken, no one ever gets to the really beautiful part. Does that make sense?? It's frustrating and it hurts.

And I know God has a plan for me and that includes the right man for me (if He desires that). I know this because I'm praying for a few things: a) it is the desire of my heart to share my life with someone, and if that would fit into God's plan I would like that; b) work on me to be the person God wants me to be whether that be with or without a man in my life; and c) if there is a person somewhere that He'd like to have in my life, then work on his heart and my heart to prepare us. I think that goes strongly along with b) up above! Anyway, for all I know, He may want to keep me to Himself for a while!

Regarding God thinking I needed a rest for a while more than I needed a man, hey I KNOW for a fact that was the truth. We were separated for a year and have now been divorced for a year, and I purposely took that time off to work on myself, get to know myself, get my life settled, get my kids settled, get some direction in my life--you know that kind of stuff. I realize this is naive, but maybe it's BECAUSE I got to know myself so well that I thought I was such a neat person I would not have much trouble finding someone once I decided to look. Well, it was quite a shock to discover that so much of single culture is based on LOOKS. To be blunt, I knew the bar scene would NOT work for me, but the singles events that I tried were pretty meat-markety too!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would ask yourself if you are REALLY ready to date right now. I understand getting lonely, been there, done that. But are you really ready if a man tok an interest in you. Sometimes right after a divorce we are very confused about things, and being alone is so much safer. We are very gullible right after a breakup, and I feel you need much more time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sort of surprised to hear ya say this, but I'll give it a consideration. I'm surprised because I've taken considerable time to be ready and be wise about it if someone WAS interested (BTW, I want to say that again...WISE, not just horny! haha). I don't know--did we cross wires or miscommunicate or something?? I'm having a "I'm sick of being single" day, not a "I've been lonely around the house feeling needy for a week" event. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plus maybe deep down, you are putting out those [stay away from me] signals. Be honest with yourself. We talk the talk, but we are by no means ready to walk the walk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay this I've actually pondered as a possibility, even before you brought it up, and I think there may be some merit here. It's something I'm practicing. See, I was extremely faithful during my married years, and I put those flirty ways away because it wasn't appropriate to flirt with anyone besides my hubby. My guess is that there is INDEED some rustiness there and I need to learn or re-learn some skills. I also know I tend to throw out the "good buddy" vibe but not the "YOWSA!" vibe. So, Good Point!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Let me tell you, you are going to change soooooo much in the coming year. Do things that you like to do. There's an old saying that says: if you're not happy where you're at, you'll never be happy where you're going. Learn to love yourself the way you are, start to fix those little things that you have control of, and forget what your ex wanted in a woman. You are using his desires to judge yourself. DON'T!!! There will come a man who thinks those gals your hubby liked are bad news. And when you find the right one, cheating will no longer be an issue.
I know we hate to wait for things anymore, but have patience my dear!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmm...some of this is a little bit off but let me just say, "Hey Doc! Fix your glasses my man!!" It scares me to think of a proctologist who is not seeing clearly!! OY! or actually OUCH! heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> My divorce was final in 2003!! That's last year. Memorial Day was memorable. heehee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> HOWEVER, two things you say are SPOT ON.

#1--using this last year to get to know myself and be happy where I am has been AMAZING and FUN. Actually that whole journey started probably five years ago, but I had a long way to go to find me and find my playful heart again. Anyway, I wouldn't trade this past year for anything, and a big part of it is because I know who I am now--no one can wear away on that now because it's firm in my head. I know how to be a completely whole individual, and it's cool...as in deep-down soul cool. Nahhhh...this is more like a generalized HRRMPH! If I am just wonderful the way I am, and no one is looking, then the guys miss that inner beauty--if I go for that physical beauty thing to make the men look, then I'm not me--and if the guys won't look at me when I'm me, then why should I give them a second glance when *I* am a knockout??

#2--spot on about using my exH's standard of beauty to mess with my head now. I do recognize this as a weakness/issue that I have, and I'm working on it. Guess what? Don't tell anyone because they won't believe it, but I'm not perfect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Yeah, I know, I know--it's quite a shock. (smile) But let me ask you this. How EXACTLY does one "get over" the exH's standard of beauty when that is also pretty close to the fake Hollywood standard of beauty that America seems to have adopted? Turned around, it would be much easier to get over this if I had re-inforcement confirming that not all beauty is exterior. Sadly, I am discovering that for many, many, many men, the fake standard and the exterior ARE where they start!

Gee, ProcDoc, you don't expect ME to change, do ya?? Wouldn't it be easier to just change all men and the entire definition of beauty in our American culture?

(I love me!)


CJ

Dear FaithfulW: It sounds to me like you need a hug.

I'd also like to point out that what I see is amazing to me. While I am still hoping for renewal of my marriage, I am realistic too - so I think sometimes of what it would be like if he stopped coming home. And what I feel is that I would never be willing to put myself at risk again. Completely close off.

So the fact that you are willing to look tells me you have incredible courage! I'm impressed.

P.S.

Let me add this:

Maybe the Lord is keeping you alone right now for the sake of your kids?

COuld be they aren't "ready" for the stable parent to be dating just yet.

Just another idea I just had. Thought I'd throw it out there. Make NO mistake about it, God is NEVER late, and He is never early.

It'll happen. In HIS perfect time!

PTL \O/

Sniff... Sniff...

I smell a BBQ.

Sweet lady, I think it would be better for you to determine what kind of man you want; instead of worrying about what kind of man would want you.

I can tell you (from experience) that a mature man will see the woman made in God's image. Whether you are the Barbie doll faced or not. I did more than my share of nights with the model types and I'll tell you that they "ain't all that".

The beauty on the outside goes away. And any one with half a brain should remember that. So it's a good thing that a man choose a woman that keeps her beauty on the inside. That kind can last forever.

Proverbs 31:10-11
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

Did you know that rubies can be more precious than diamonds?

Thay are. And so are you!

Bless you.

S&C <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />