When I found out that my MD husband had been unfaithful for the last 5 years of my 15 year marriage(I found out just 2 months ago) I was devestated...never him..<P>I got VD from unprotectd sex from the married ER nurses that he was with for those 5 years...<P>When I went to my GYN for treatment I was shocked to find that this risky behavior was particularly prevalent in doctors!!! It appears that the stress and desensitation that medicine brings to the profession prepares them for infidelity. Some MDs with thriving practices will actually quit most contracts and work occasionally just to get kinky sex and not have to pay the wife any support.<P>I have only recently put any topic responses on this forum. This has been the worse summer of my life. <P>My husband is a good doctor, he is wonderful with children, he is admired by all who "know" him. Honestly, he has a photographic memory, is very sweet and considerate in high stress situations.. he loves the adrenalin.. the rush... the life or death...<P>We had our children at home with him delivering them.. He had taught intubation to paramedics for infants and was supportive of them using this knowledge in the field...as a doctor (not being related to him) I would trust him with my life! He has never been sued! A biggy in the ER... he is kind to old people..they love him, bring him presents... but the system... the ways he feels, he has to whore himself to get fair treatment for his patients... it all falls on my plate. I accepted this for a very long time... I understood. In fact I hurt for him.<P>But apparently there are those that work with him that understand more deeply than I. They have a common bond. It doesn't matter if they are married, have little ones at home, no it is like MASH , a post traumatic syndrome. They need each other and I am not in the running. That was even fine for me except that I had to be the bad guy for my husband to feel good about what he was doing.<P>My daughters are beautiful, homeschooled (so that dad can see them when ever he is off), and they have found ballet. My 2nd child all of 13 has danced with ABT and my third with ABT and Moscow. The youngest is only just 8years old... they are so beautiful my life with them is a thing of beauty...his life is full of pain, ugliness, drug abuse, shootings, rapes etc. We are at different ends of the spectrum.<P>I once thought that I could bring beauty into his life. He doesn't want that as it doesn't make him feel. He needs pain to feel...even with sex..it must be anal or painful or unusual to get to his soul. I cannot go there.<P>So I guess I am suggesting that along with the differences in male/female interactions there is something very different with those who choose a life "on the edge". They are addicted to that rush. <P>I have gone several times to "shrinks" because he said I was "crazy","depressed", "angry" oh I can't tell you how many things have been "wrong" with me! I ultimately found out that I was really OK.... damn that felt good to hear that! I took the BIG TEST the one the Menendez brothers took, to find out about my personality...I was told that my children could be taken away if the results were not good, if my husband so wished that.. I said fine! My children deserve the best mother or caretaker and if I am deficient then please protect them! I had been mentally beaten to where I no longer believed that I was OK.<P>The tests showed that I was capable of entering the CIA or FBI should I so be interested! I was fine! No depression!!!!! Now however I am sad, I really wanted and believed in my husband. He has hurt me beyond what I am capable of handling at this time.... He had two, 2 and a half year affairs within the last 5 years... I asked not thinking it could be true, my sister said she knew the signs...and if I wanted to know well just ask him...wow!<P>Now what? I can't do pain...I have all these kids...I quit my carreer as we decided...and he doesn't want a divorce. <P>Is it all just a lie? I waited so long for him...I asked all the right questions. We wanted a family. <P>I was raped by an unknown person at age 5. I was hit by a drunk driver at age 26 and almost died...had the out of body thing... wheel chair for a year... plastic surgery and thank God I am very blonde and don't scar badly... I have always been "fit" never fat..I did get too thin this summer 94lbs and 5 ft 6 in... the stress was horrendous.. but I have always worked it out! There is nothing now, nothing, I used to volunteer for pregnant teens and gave breastfeeding advice and gave lectures etc. He made me quit as he was jealous of my time with anyone but him. <P>This is a long stupid letter...beware all you wives of MD's...I know of too many naughty ones... and they are all into very very kinky stuff. <P>I understand that I have no right to think that this time around I deserve a "soul-mate" but why did I have to suffer along the way? I am a good person, honestly. I for some reason hold the shame that he perpetuates. How can a man with so much good be so evil?<P>ya know he told me that he would sometimes have to wait until one of the nurse's little baby would finally go to sleep until he jumped into her husbands bed with her.... <P>I am lost now. I do have 4 wonderful daughters. But I don't want to mess them up with my problems. We are all seeing a therapist...except my husband he doesn't think he needs one! Typical doctor! <P>Funny thing! When the GYN saw my condition despite the VD he thought I was very sick!!! he sent me to an internist, I was given lots of X-rays (they still want a bone scan for metastisis-but I am not ready for that now), anyway the Xray tech, who was also a physical therapist, said that he knew all these Doctor wives that I knew...he said he and his friend had a great time with them "because everyone knows that doctor's wives are easy...thy get no emotional care.their needs are never met..and all you have to do is sweet talk them ..they are so needy!" <P>I rememinded him that I have never even kissed another man other than my husband in 15 years! What irony! <P>------------------<BR>

ouch! I think your husband needs, help. I quess he figures,you should just forgive him. Unless, he is prepared to get help, I wonder if he will change his ways. Maybe it's time for plan B? Your husband behavior, is putting you at risk, what about his unprotected sex. If your husband had any respect for himself, or you he should have told you after his first affair, so you could both get help.<P>Did your husband tell you? or did you find out?<P>I have hurd before that men in high stress jobs, use sex as an outlet. But, when that starts to happen it dangerous, because it becomes an addiction. <P>I really think you need some expert advice, asap.<P>Time for your MD H to wake and smell the coffee.

I am getting help, thank you for replying. Its funny just a reply means that I am validated in my feelings strange? Yes he needs help but won't get it.<P>He will save many lives but will kill me in the mean time. I have to protect myself.<BR>Thank you so much for writing...

I did ask, and he told me the truth. It is all so sordid. I am having a hard time putting it all together. He won't ever get help. He did get a vasectomy last week! He doesn't want anymore children. Neither do I . But yes he put my life at risk... I don't think he can love me. That is scary. When one has put their life in anothers heart and it wasn't there to begin with...I feel such a fool...and a failure. I am smart, I have a high IQ! I took time! I waited...I loved him.

Love?,<P>Obviously your hard work and strategies have flopped. He's got lots of great qualities and a sinister side, you like the trappings and status for you and your children.<P>Simple. Shock him. Be something you've never been before, be a different person. Fake it 'til you make it. Simply shock your husband and he will develop a new respect and curiousity about you.<P>Frankly, you're not shocking. You're June Cleaver with a business resume. He's bored, he's jaded, he needs a good kick in the a** to turn him back into the man you fell in love with before all the years of stress hardened him. If you really are as smart and desirable to other men as you claim to be and you care about your children's welfar, shock your husband. Dress, be, whatever, just be very different from what he expects or asks for. If you have a strange sexual thought that you would dare share with anyone, act on it and I guarantee you he will sit up and take notice.<P>He doesn't need a Mommy, he needs someone to wake him up.<P>Do it or quit whining about the consequences of not trying it. Good luck.<BR>

i have nothing to offer you right now, but i want you to know i am here and i commend you for all the good you have done with your children and your marriage and your life. i'm sorry you have to hurt so bad.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

You've been the ultimate wife and mother, longsuffering, patient.<P>You deserve the best, but we're stuck with the rest.<P>It ain't working.<P>All I'm saying is try the approach I mentioned. You have a high IQ, use your imagination. And be an actress if you have to, fake it 'til you make it.<P>He's broken all the rules and hurt you badly in spite of all of your efforts and therapy. There's hardly any fantasy you can't justify acting out to try to wake him up. Shock him, he will respect you for it.<P>He deserves a wake up call for being such a jaded pig. Get busy.<BR>

hmmmmmmm, cuckhold, sounds like a good idea...<BR>i feel like LOVE? in a lot of ways, my kids are just younger...<BR>yeah, shock the pants off 'im---if novelty is what he seeks, try it!<BR>chips, dips, chains, whips....<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Hey guys til death do us part is kinda scary! Yeah he likes painful sex but if it is painful to ME...and uh...homey don't play that game! Sure I could get out some whips and chains and **** next thing they could be used on me! not a good Idea..trust me on this one...nothing is too nasty, too painful or too risky for this guy...and he likes being in control..I still weigh only 98 lbs and he could really do some damage..took a whole month after I dressed up real pretty and tried to entice him for me to heal...aint goin there no more! My GYN says gat a lawyer, my therapist says learn to "co-parent"...my husband says lets live each day as it comes...what the hell does that mean? No, I know I am sexxy and could get him goin..it is the stopping that scares me! You need to understand that sex is not love to him..it is control...and he can't feel untless there is an "on the edge" side of it..pain/pleasure...kinky stuff for me....it is not a dress up and play thing with him it is real..and the pain is real..and the healing and medications needed and the exams are very real.. so are the doctor visits and co-payment to the insurance...they are all real....<P>A massage turns into a painful thing...my back is perfectly aligned...I have a straight back, no fat, great 6-pac abdomen and I do not crack when being massaged..but he is hell bent on cracking my back even if I scram out in pain that he is hurting me..you don't get it..he likes to hurt me..I have therefore found myself distancing myself from him as he scares me....<P>

well, you are right, not much you can do with a sadist..and i assume him getting counseling is out of the question?<BR>boy, this IS a toughie...

hi love?,<BR>I am so sorry to read of your situation. There is a stigma attached tohealth care providers that seek mental health treatment in some communities. Maybe he is afraid of that? Maybe not. But would he do phone counseling? Maybe with Harley? I am not sure harley is an expert in this area, but some help may be better than none? <BR>Is this sex thing something new? Maybe he was exposed to s&m with an ow and liked it? <BR>Maybe the need for control is just so far out of control? <BR>Is he using drugs? Problem for some that have easy access like the er, or or icu. <BR>Thinking of you, cl

Don't put up with this behavior. Under no circumstances of religion or anything else should you stay in a violently abusive marriage.<P>Let him know that he either gets counseling to overcome his sadism or you will legally separate from him.<P>And if necessary, divorce him. If you need the money and perks, don't go public. If he threatens you in any way, go public to expose his true reputation. You aren't protecting your kids by putting up with this, you are teaching them that women are weak and deserve to be mistreated. Your children will eventually find out the ugly truth if you think they don't already know.<P>Be strong. Don't be intimitated by this first class creep. He is not the man you married.<P>He either takes dramatic steps to overcome his sadism or you take him to the cleaners both financially and professionally.<P>

Thank you so much, all of you! Yes he is confused...and yep he needs some help..he is an addicitve personality..the ER supplies this with adrenalin and then sex and control issues...<P>Yes I am working on seperating from him, I have my own room, with a lock! He is sadistic! This has been recent..the last 5 yeaars..yeah those nurses must have thought his money was worth it! Funny he makes 5x less now working 2o days a month than he did 10 yeaars ago working 9 days a month! Doctors are not rich anymore...really, we hope we cans end our kids to college...<P>My first is through college...25 now..the others are incredible ballet dancers...have my body..thin but they are flexible! They will easily get dance scholarships...they already qualify! and the oldest is 13! It is an outlet for them...emotional and physsical. I won't ever take it away.<P>I am getting our financial portfolio in order next week as I have a whole week off of ballet!!!!! 6 days a week all day long is haard! and it takes me an hour to get there!<P>anyway I will look into a small home near the studio and University...most of their instructors teach there and know them..<P>This has been the haardest summer of my life as I have had to pretend for so many that life is good! I am very friendly and all the company members love to come to my house and hang out..they surf with my husband, jacuzzi, and essentially hang out and sometimes live here all weekend! My husband loves it as he can escape the inevitable..me!<P>You have all given me the strength that my feelings are valid. And after so many yeaars of emotional beatings it means so much! I have strength now to act!<P>Tonight he begged saying that he loves me so much, and I understand that but I love me and the girls too much to let them know that such behavior is acceptible...he has hurt them numberous times wrestling etc..they know.<P>So I get it! It is getting easier.! <P>Ya know sometimes I wish that I was the betrayer..only because I will never trust again...a piece of life has been taken from me. I do have my kids!