Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#346894 07/16/04 11:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 86
J
JoeCM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 86
Hello Gang

It has been a while...I am a drifter - a gypsy some might say..in that I come and go... My walk with God was that way in my marriage after 3 years. Tonite, I write with a heavy heart. My quick summary ---
wife in April after filing for divorce in Sept. 03 said that God told her she could not divorce me. She said that she broke it off with the OM and that she was not coming back to me but staying for the kids. Mothers day she told me she could not stay away from the love of her life and decided to go back to the OM. This was not a shock since she never stopped seeing him or talking with him. She would wake up to his calls and then have her coffee when he came to our house and then go to sleep with him on the phone.
They would stand outside holding each other and pawing each other and say it was breaking up. If I sound upset I am....so since she has returned to him she hides nothing. Has no shame or guilt that she shows. Has no love for me - everything is hate and she shows this in her actions.

Today - she comes back from a funeral in Michigan 2 days ago - called the police thurs. saying I am suicidal - I was at work - called them Fri. AM since there was a caller id on my phone - apparently she told them to go to our church (only I have been attending). She somehow found out where I work - started 3 - 4 weeks ago and took our truck swapping it with the car. No message nothing. She did not stay out our house last night (She did not move out - she says it is best for the kids that they have the house and that I should move out and file for divorce).

She has told me that it was wrong for her to sleep with the guy but everything else is God ordained. That He has given her this love for this man and that I am in the way. That I am the wrongness or the death in her life. The kids have told her they are upset and want us together (3 and 6) and they are praying that God would do this. The youngest asked me why is God not doing this. I have seen my kids now 1 in 4 weeks. Talked with them only that one time. Partly my fault but lately all hers.

I write this asking and begging for help. I love her still and at times I do not want to. I have started to live my life again. Been going to church and home bible studies - working - making friendships with guys. Been giving her space - we have not talked about anything since she returned to this guy. I have badgered her a couple of times but now I try to not start an argument or say the wrong things. I am not perfect though - she seems to hate me more now than before....

Help me. I need prayer. I prayed tonite for the Lord to forgive me for not knowing how to show her love. For caring about having the truck since she has given this guy everything else. I should care more about her salvation and the kids than this stupid truck. She did not come home tonite.

Please help all. Please! I believe God has told me through prayer and word and in my heart He is going to restore this marriage but lately I do not know or are really scared to believe. I need more faith not to think that it will change things but faith to know that God can.

Sorry this is very confusing but I have not been sleeping well....disability and all....

Hope to hear from you... Hi and bye

#346895 07/17/04 01:06 AM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,105
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,105
Joe, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This must be very heartbreaking for you. You definitely need to surround yourself with TRUTH and godly people because the lies that are invading your marriage are strong. And that is what they are... LIES... straight from the pit of hell, if I may be blunt.

Your wife's heart has hardened. With each step she has taken away from God and towards what is wrong, her heart hardens. She is deceived and deceives her own self. That is what happens when we listen to lies, when we justify our sin, and when we disregard the truth and God.

I pray for her and you and your marriage, that the Lord will grab hold of her in a mighty way and that she will repent, humble herself, and turn from her sin. That this other man would literally become repulsive to her. That God would open her eyes, that she will fall to her face with sorrow over her actions, that she will desire to do right and to restore her marriage.

For you, I pray strength, wisdom, comfort, and rest. I, too, heard many lies from my husband during our divorce, during which time he had hardened his heart. I had to fight very hard to not let those lies pierce my own heart, thus, causing me to agree with them or to be defeated, decieved, etc. Even a Christian can deceive their own self. Constantly reading the Bible and knowing God's Word, along with other Believers reminding me of truth, helped me tremendously.

Please allow me to remind you right now, as a Christian sister, of the truth-- NOTHING about her affair is "God-ordained." NOTHING. God would not "ordain" that your wife be unfaithful to you. Nor would He "give" her a love for another man. ("You shall not commit adultery." Exodus 20:14) She can say it 'til she's blue in the face... it is not and will never be the truth. Your wife has made a choice to enter into this relationship, and the reason she is filled with hate towards you and claims what she does, is because this choice has hardened her because it is sinful and it is completely against God's will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

One of the most important things you can do right now is surround yourself with truth, goodness, and love... from God and other Christians. For every lie you hear from her, you need to hear the truth... from the Bible, from Christian radio and books, from other Believers... reminding you of the spiritual battle taking place, reminding you that this is an immoral relationship that does NOT have God's blessing or approval, reminding you that you need to be in prayer because you are really fighting a major war here... a battle for your marriage and family. A battle not fought with weapons of a fleshly war, but fought with spiritual weapons... prayer, righteousness, truth, goodness, faith...

The reason she "hates you more now that before" is because not only is she not rejecting the other man, but she is calling it good and right and of God.

You also face a battle in your own heart... you will battle bitterness, rage, feelings of revenge, pride, etc. You have to fight those feelings just as hard as you have to fight the lies you hear. "The truth will set you free."

I am sorry that we can only minister to you via the net, and I pray that the Lord will bring comfort, strength, and peace into your life in many ways.

I know you must be so very weary, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. The Lord is with you. Cry out to Him. Although He may seem silent and distant, remember that that too is a lie....

I'm so sorry you are going through this and facing this. I cannot imagine your pain and sorrow, and my prayers go out for you. May God act on your behalf quickly and may He bring healing into your family and each of your lives.

#346896 07/17/04 05:34 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
Joe,

I, too, am so sorry to read about what you are going through. The WS's selfish behavior is absolutely impossible to fathom, isn't it?

Please remember - this isn't about you!!! But also remember - God can use this to shape YOU into a Christ-like member of HIS body, His bride. Let Him do that.

Here's some "carnal advice" for you, btw. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. SHE is the one having an A. Let HER move out! Remain steadfast, remain at home, taking care of your kids.

Your W is confused.....what God has "ordained" is that HIS WILL SHALL BE DONE.......and that doesn't include a third party in your M!!!

Give it all to Him. He IS allowing this for YOUR edification, and HE is in control of all that will happen. Remain peaceful in that knowledge.

I am praying for you, and for the situation.

God Bless,

#346897 07/18/04 12:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 86
J
JoeCM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 86
Thank you for your Dear words of encouragement. I need to hear them so much. I am finding that prayer is more than an answer it is a weapon that God uses in our hearts to change us for His good purpose. Dearly, I desire more of Him and yet like Paul find myself struggling with this body of death.

The enemy likes to mask the truth in half lies - so many times I find it hard to not analyze what she does or says. She called tonite to tell me that she and the girls needed to borrow the truck and she hoped that I got the car safely. She then tells me she will be back home on Monday when the air gets fixed. Like life is so normal.

You are right - God has been making it clear to me that this is a spiritual battle! That if He does not do the work in the Spirit it will never be complete and will always be lacking. Why is it that I struggle not with weapons made for this warfare but with weapons of flesh? I long for her and yet I long to be released from this pain. If I love her why do I seem to cry and be miserable at every little bit of pain. She did not get here on her own. I was not there for her. I caused her pain by being selfish and yet I cannot get over my own little foolish manipulations as well.

Please pray that I continue to rest in Him. TO trust in the Lord with all my Heart - leaning not on my own understanding but acknowledging Him in all my steps. I need to rest in Him as that tree beside the still waters - allowing the water of Life to fill me so that every branch in my body will be infused with this life giving source!

#346898 07/18/04 06:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,105
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,105
Joe, Yes, prayer is definitely a "weapon." Even our faith is a weapon. Our righteousness. The Word of God. All are weapons. Interestingly, the Scripture is the only offensive weapon in the Bible. The others are all "armor" that protect us, but the Word of God is said to be a "sword" with which we can attack the enemy. When lies come your way, you can attack them using Scripture, because the truth will expose the lies. And the truth "sets us free."

Satan is a scheming, evil, and destructive being who delights in literally destroying lives and destroying faith in God. He is not some pussycat pushover, but is a murderer, thief, liar, and a very evil being. You have to put on your armor or you will be vulnerable and you will fall for his lies. Even Eve, who was a perfect woman living in a perfect, sinless world, feel for his lies!!

I think your wife wants life to seem "normal." I believe it's part of the deception she is living in right now. She wants to believe that things are okay, that her choice to have an affair is not so bad, that the girls won't be affected by it, that she has not done anything wrong, etc. Thus, she will try very hard to act and appear "normal" and she will react very harshly to you (or anyone) telling her that things are not "normal" or that what she is doing is wrong. It's part of the battle. She's entrapped by the lies and in many ways, enslaved by the Enemy right now. I know that sounds pretty "harsh," but it's really the truth of the matter.

The things you are feeling/struggling with are normal/natural. I also struggled in similar ways. Our emotions can be very powerful and can really affect us. Continue to cry out to God and press through each day... just one day at a time. I personally don't think anyone, no matter how strong they are, can get through something like this (adultery, divorce...) without feeling tremendous pain, confusion, etc (unless they harden their hearts and chose hatred as the means with which to handle their pain).

For those things you did that caused her pain, seek God's forgiveness. Seek her forgiveness. Seek anyone else's forgiveness that it affected. And then, ACCEPT it. If your wife will not forgive, there is nothing you can do (other than to pray and wait with hope that one day she will forgive), but God DOES/WILL forgive. And unlike an earthly spouse, He is not going to divorce you or condemn you or remind you of your wrongs. Don't beat yourself up for the past things you did. "There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus."

If you have spent time in repentance, seeking God's forgiveness, and you have acknowledged your wrongdoings and have sorrowed over them, now you need to live as a forgiven man and accept God's mercy and grace. It is good to grieve over our sins and to sorrow over them, but we cannot remain there. We have to, by faith, accept the mercy of God and His forgiveness, and then walk in Him... by His power, which helps us to change and to fight our sinful natures.

In any marriage, there are NO perfect, blameless, innocent people. We ALL sin and we all do wrong, stupid, and hurtful things. That is why God says to forgive, to bear with one another, to overlook offenses. Without forgiveness, there can be no relationship. I don't think your wife has chosen to forgive. And she has also made a choice to turn away from God and to enter into an adulterous relationship. I truly fear for her and the consequences this will have in her life (some of which, unfortunately, will obviously affect you and your children).

I do pray for your strength, peace of mind, comfort, and wisdom... and also for your wife to turn from her sin and to seek God and desire to be faithful to both Him and to you. I also pray that your faith will be steadfast, firm, and unshaken in the midst of this battle. Keep your eyes on Jesus... He is like your commander-in-chief. Don't take your eyes off him but let Him guide you and sustain you. My prayers, and hopes for your family, are with you.

#346899 07/21/04 10:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 86
J
JoeCM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 86
Thank you for your prayers...They are strong and pure from the love Jesus gives you.

I am a little suprised that I did not hear from more people -- there were others that I did hear from regualarly - Orchid - lkjm -- etc...

I find that when I need to be reminded that I am on the right road - I come here for encouragement. For sometimes - I wonder if I make things worse by being here.

Currently, I do not talk with my WW. I said Hi tonite as I walked by the laundry room - played with my girls and then went to bed. That is the most I have said for days. I live my life as if she does not exist. This is the hardest thing for me to do - yet - I believe that if I am out of the way God will deal with her even though she acts as though her life is perfect except for the husband that she prays will die. Yes,I am still shocked by that...heck - found out that somehow she has a key to my room and that she took the cops in her - even to the point she left the ceiling tile down....she really wants me to say something...not sure what though...

Please pray for patience...I will pray for the Lord to reveal Himself in His small still ways with yall..


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5